Newsjack Series 21 rejects Page 10

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Chernobyl is set to open its control room for the first time since the disaster, although reviews from tourists have been positive, some of the locals have reacted badly.
2. An Italian chef has been arrested after claiming the cannabis he had was for flavour research, however when the police checked his eyes, they were like big pizza pies, but it was not amore.
3. A man from Stoke who was forced to expose his penis after being accused of shoplifting has said he was surprised at the accusation, as he had only just popped out.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Elon Musk as his spacecraft named 'Starship' is ready to launch.
But it's been a bad week for Star Trek fans, as this is mainly a business enterprise.
2. It's been a bad week for climate change after a 315 billion-tonne iceberg broke off from Antarctica.
But it's been a good week for Boris Johnson, who used it as an example of what can be done when an island really wants to leave.
3. It's been a good week for men named Nigel, after 433 of them gathered in a pub in Worcestershire.
But it's been a bad week for one Nigel, who wasn't invited.

Not the best week for me, nothing that really felt quite right, but time to release the rejects!
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Biffa have been fined £350,000 for sending general waste to China, labelled as paper recycling. A spokesperson stated they simply confused which bin to leave out after a bank holiday.
2. After reporting alarming extinction threat to European conker trees. Preparations are under way to soak the trees in vinegar and leave in an airing cupboard overnight.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Bad week for a man named Thomas Cooke, who's received death threats since the company announced its collapse. Good week for Mr. Ryan Air, who was glad of the respite.
2. Good week for a video-game player from Stoke, who has lost 7-stone playing Pokémon Go. Bad week for local motorists, as she's learning to drive on Mario Kart.

Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ 3rd October 2019, 6:09 PM

My rejects for this week:
BREAKING NEWS
1. The Canal and River Trust has been accused of conspiracy after it heavily censored reports on the partially collapsed Whaley Bridge dam. Though a spokesperson disputed these claims saying this isn't a cover-up, it's just a temporary repair

2. US opera singer Jessye Norman has died at the age of 74. Her funeral is expected to go on... forever as 'it ain't over till fat lady sings'

3. Sports company Asics has apologised after hackers played pornography on screens outside its flagship New Zealand store for several hours. A spokesperson for the company said they've learned a lot from the incident including the importance of good digital security, and how to do a proper squat thrust.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. Bad week for Lorraine Kelly after Piers Morgan surprised her with a nude photograph of herself during her 35th anniversary broadcast of Good Morning Britain. But a good week for fans of the show as Piers
Morgan thankfully kept all his clothes on

2. It's been a good week for a fun-loving teenager who lost his car after parking it near a festival and forgetting where he had left it. But it's been a bad week for fans of the movie Dude, Where's My Car? as it's taken eighteen years for them to get a sequel

3. It's been a good week for meat lovers as a new study claims there is no evidence that cutting out red meat limits the risk of cancer, heart disease and diabetes. But it's been a bad week for my pet potbelly pig Michael as he's mysteriously been turned into bacon and somehow got into all my sandwiches

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Late this week. Working late helping folks with claims for Universal Credit. Hope nobody here has to claim it. Wretched benefit.
Deathbymonkey, like 3rd BN best GWBWs seem Newsjack types. Especially no. 1 maybe.

Quote: Costello @ 4th October 2019, 5:08 PM

Not the best week for me, nothing that really felt quite right, but time to release the rejects!
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Biffa have been fined £350,000 for sending general waste to China, labelled as paper recycling. A spokesperson stated they simply confused which bin to leave out after a bank holiday.
2. After reporting alarming extinction threat to European conker trees. Preparations are under way to soak the trees in vinegar and leave in an airing cupboard overnight.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Bad week for a man named Thomas Cooke, who's received death threats since the company announced its collapse. Good week for Mr. Ryan Air, who was glad of the respite.
2. Good week for a video-game player from Stoke, who has lost 7-stone playing Pokémon Go. Bad week for local motorists, as she's learning to drive on Mario Kart.

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Is that what they do with conkers? Liked GWBWs.

Quote: BTF @ 4th October 2019, 5:31 PM

Is that what they do with conkers?

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If you really want to harden a conker, just send it to boarding school!

You don't get stuff like this on NewsJack.

Quote: MrLiamArnold @ 4th October 2019, 4:57 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Chernobyl is set to open its control room for the first time since the disaster, although reviews from tourists have been positive, some of the locals have reacted badly.
2. An Italian chef has been arrested after claiming the cannabis he had was for flavour research, however when the police checked his eyes, they were like big pizza pies, but it was not amore.
3. A man from Stoke who was forced to expose his penis after being accused of shoplifting has said he was surprised at the accusation, as he had only just popped out.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Elon Musk as his spacecraft named 'Starship' is ready to launch.
But it's been a bad week for Star Trek fans, as this is mainly a business enterprise.
2. It's been a bad week for climate change after a 315 billion-tonne iceberg broke off from Antarctica.
But it's been a good week for Boris Johnson, who used it as an example of what can be done when an island really wants to leave.
3. It's been a good week for men named Nigel, after 433 of them gathered in a pub in Worcestershire.
But it's been a bad week for one Nigel, who wasn't invited.

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GWBWs all good.
1 and 3 as good as ones they have put on show tbh.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 3rd October 2019, 9:55 PM

The latest attempts in this cathartic process :

An Italian celebrity has been arrested for possessing cannabis. He claimed a rival chef had grassed him up

Over 400 people named Nigel have met up at a country pub in a celebration of their name. Next week they will all be guests of The Great British Bake Off, when contestants will be baking flans for Nigel

A Southern European species of wasp has been discovered in Warwickshire. When questioned, the wasp said he was here for the stinging jobs that British wasps were unwilling to do

It's been a bad week for a fugitive in China who was discovered living in a cave after 17 years on the run. It's been a good week for Hong Kong chief executive Carrie Lam, who now has somewhere to lie low for a while

It was a good week for Cambridge University who got back a library book borrowed 60 years ago. It was a bad week for the student who still only received a C for his essay

It was a good week for Cambridge University who got back a library book borrowed 60 years ago. But a bad week to be putting the book 'Women - know your limits and shut up' back on the shelves

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Grassed him up - like it!
Library book good angle on book title. Maybe even 'how to be a perfect '50s housewife' or something to do with the Common Market maybe.....Common Market and why we need a referendum.
It was a bad week for the student who borrowed it ; he's been given a C for handing his essay in late.
It was a bad week for the student who borrowed it as he's dead

Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 4th October 2019, 3:21 AM

Enjoyed these ones:

US opera singer Jessye Norman has died at the age of 74. Her funeral is expected to go on... forever as 'it ain't over till fat lady sings'

Victor Meldrew's catchphrase "I don't believe it!" has been voted the UK's favourite in a poll. Surprised by the result, the sitcom's star, Richard Wilson reacted by saying, (DEL BOY VOICE) "Lovely Jubbly!"

A Chinese fugitive, on the run for 17 years, has been found living in a cave. He hopes to persuade a judge and jury that he's finally seen the light.

Over 400 people named Nigel have met up at a country pub in a celebration of their name. Next week they will all be guests of The Great British Bake Off, when contestants will be baking flans for Nigel

Here are my rejects. They did a joke similar to my first breaking news.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Facebook is trialling the removal of the 'like' button in Australia. It's still unknown how many Australians are in favour of the move.
2. Sandra, the orangutang, relocated to the US after being granted the same legal rights as humans. She begged to return to her Argentina zoo after seeing how they treat immigrants.
3. Bill Murray was involved in a four-vehicle crash while in Scotland to take part in the Dunhill Links golf tournament. No holes-in-one, but there were dents in four.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for a Texas man who had a lawsuit brought against him after he farted in his subordinate's office to assert dominance.
It was a good week for me, as I realised I am dominant in bed.
2. It was a bad week for sports company Asics, as pornography played on their shop advertising screens for hours.
It was a good week for female shoppers, whose husbands were refreshingly encouraging about trying on another pair of shoes.
3. It was a good week for a woman in Cardiff who found decades old Beatle material in her bread bin.
It was a bad week for her house guests as her sandwiches tasted really off.

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Liked all of yours. Some very good ones.

Quote: Steev @ 4th October 2019, 11:59 AM

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Rumours in the entertainment world this week suggest that Keanu Reeves is to play a superhero in the Marvel universe. His superpower is said to be "being Keanu Reeves"

2. Designers have added AI to new toilets that will scan your poop to diagnose your ailments. It keeps a log of each user; to avoid the NHS getting bogged down. (With crap.)

3. This week, Elon Musk has shown off a mighty rocket designed to carry astronauts to Mars. Tall, shiny, and phallic-looking, Elon Musk is 48.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a good week for Spitting Image fans as the show is set to return after 23 years.
It's been a bad week for Spitting Image writers, who are too busy holding a chicken in the air, whilst removing a deck chair from up their nose.

2. It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson who is said to have "women problems"
It's been a good week for Jay-Z, as he now has a follow-up single.

3. It's been a good week for supporters of Britain's first black magistrate, Eric Irons, as he was commemorated with a plaque in Nottingham this week.
It's been a bad week for Justin Trudeau. Who wasn't.

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Personally like BN 1 and 3 and GWBW 3.
Maybe 2 could be restructured a little. Not sure. Maybe ....it keeps details of each user recorded in the form of a large log. Or something. I don't know. What do I know.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 4th October 2019, 1:37 PM

My weak efforts this week; I thought I sent 3 GWBWs but there was only 2 on my email so not sure what happened there:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Reports say the Government are 'looking seriously' at making children's vaccines compulsory. A campaigner for vaccinations said it was a shot in the arm.
2. Sports company Asics has apologised after screens outside a store in Auckland showed pornography for several hours. A spokesman warned that anyone who watched it would get an unreasonable expectation of a personal trainer.
3. Speaker and MPs agree to use moderate language if that's ok?

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Denise Welch after she shared her touching stories about fighting depression.
It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson after someone else shared his touching stories.
2. It's been a good week for internet users as the Government announce £5 billion to boost UK broadband.
It's been a bad week for breakfast cereal producers as they were originally excited by the thought of 'Full Fibre'

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Really like GWBWs.
Like BN 3. Maybe could emphasis it more......agree to use moderate language, 'er, if that's ok'. (said in apologetic voice) it

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 4th October 2019, 1:45 PM

We got a joke on this week, but here are the ones that didn't make it:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Samuel L Jackson has been revealed as the latest voice for a popular river-basin associated virtual assistant. When asked if he needed to tone down his language for the role, he said it would be fine, provided stupid mother huggers didn't ask stupid brother-plucking questions.

2. Researchers have discovered bacteria that 'stripteases' to evade anti-biotics. Speaking to journalists, Boris Johnson assured voters the bacteria is just a good friend.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for air passengers who were delayed by a hedgehog on the runway. It's been a good week for opponents of sonic booms near airports.

2. It's been a good week for a former marine who became the first person to drink a sour toe cocktail containing their own severed toe. It's been a bad week for the bartender who collected the tip.

3. It's been a good week for slow readers, after Cambridge University Library forgave a four-thousand-pound late fee. It's been a bad week for the generous worker who forgave the fine, who is a good librarian, but a very bad book-keeper.

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These are all funny

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 4th October 2019, 2:08 PM

Thanks! I have a writing partner, but I also often use the royal we so we are confused a lot.

The one that got on was 'A survey has found Mothers with controlling voices are more likely to cause arguments, while Daddies with controlling voices are more likely to get my phone number.'

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Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 4th October 2019, 2:46 PM

My rejections this week:

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

1. New drug developed for prostate cancer. Proponents and critics of the drug both say you can shove it up your arse.

2. Boris Johnson under fire for allegedly squeezing the thigh of a Sunday Times journalist. Many are disgusted with the behaviour - Who could write for The Sunday Times!?

3. Officials warn against skin-whitening creams. They can cause depression, liver damage and cancer, and even worse, a fondness for the Daily Express, bowls and Ed Sheeran.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. It's been a bad week for Conservatives, as Boris Johnson is in trouble for allegedly touching a woman's thigh.
It's been a good week for Conservatives, as this is the first time anything a Conservative's done has been described as "touching".

2. It's been a bad week for Conservatives, as unpaid Thomas Cook staff protest at the Conservative Party conference.
It's been a good week for Conservatives, because if Brexit goes wrong the Conservatives will need their advice on fleeing the country.

3. It's been a good week for civility, as MPs and the Speaker decide they must use polite language in parliament.
It's been a bad week for MPs who can no longer be called upon, namely: Layla Moran, Simon Hoare and Geoffrey Cox.

Feel free to critique.

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Found 1 and 2 GWBWs funny.

Quote: johnfromsoho @ 4th October 2019, 2:53 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An inflatable Boris Johnson has been spotted above the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester. The gas filled attention seeking device has so far not commented on the blimp.
2. Dominic Cummings' wife denied that she was the second woman whose thigh Boris Johnson had squeezed. More bizarrely she hasn't denied being married to Dominic Cummings.
3. A survey has found that the average person spent £70.69 on a night out or as Londoners call it a quick pint.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Good news this week Chancellor Sajid Javid has pledged to raise the National Living Wage to £10.50 within the next five years. Bad News this week That's £10.50 per week.
2. Good news this week politicians in Westminster parties agree to 'use moderate language Bad News this week Boris Johnson will be resorting to Cripes, Lawks & lummy with a final Wiff-waff!

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2 and 3 BN and GWBW 1 my favourites

Quote: skram @ 4th October 2019, 3:48 PM

Here are my rejected one-liiners:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Concerns that a "Hard Brexit" will lead to a shortage of toilet rolls have been eased by the news that it will also lead to a shortage of fresh fruit and vegetables.

2. Organisers of a Virtual Reality conference hosted by Facebook were disappointed when nobody showed up in person.

3. After announcing his retirement as Speaker of the House Of Commons, John Bercow was spotted celebrating at a French restaurant where he had HORS D'OEUVRE, HORS D'OEUVRE!

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Sports company Asics after hackers showed porn on screens at their store in New Zealand; it's been a good week for Asics as sales rocketed. [cruder version: "it's been a good week for Asics as a record number of customers came in their store."]

2. It's been a good week for Facebook at a Virtual Reality conference where they announced a world where people can chat, mingle and even play games together; it's been a bad week for the delegates who were told it's called "The Real World, Get A Life".

3. It's been a bad week for a young family that was terrorised by a huge wild cat that tried to eat their toy horse; it's been a good week for Thomas Cook executive Peter Fankhausen who is no longer the country's greediest fat cat.

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All good
Bercow nice one!

Quote: KevDP4L @ 4th October 2019, 4:31 PM

Here's my weekly rejects - I think it's fair to say I struggled a bit this week!

Breaking News:
1. A couple in Ecuador have fallen from a third floor balcony while having sex, emphasising the dangers of not practicing safe sex.
2. A study has claimed that there is no evidence red meat is bad for your health, however it also noted that too much gammon can lead to other problems such as Brexit.
3. Fray Bentos have released their first vegan steak and kidney pie. Food critics have praised the pie, saying they never knew vegans tasted so delicious.

GWBW:
1. It's been a bad week for people living in the city, after a new study revealed that living by the sea makes you happier.
It's been a good week for the inmates at Guantanamo Bay, who continue to enjoy their ocean views.
2. It's been a good week for wrestling fans, after Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson announced he would be returning to the WWE.
But it's also been a bad week for wrestling fans, because their parents won't let them stay up late to watch it.

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Ones I personally found funny were BNs. BN 2 ...like it. Maybe suggestion... 'though it qualified this by saying too much gammon did lead to Brexit'. Your version fine though.

Quote: Thosisd @ 3rd October 2019, 6:09 PM

Emails appear to be out, so here are this week's rejects!

A celebrity chef has been arrested after allegedly infusing his recipes with cannabis. He was found in possession of two large marijuana plants, 1kg of Indian hemp, a multipack of Prawn Cocktail Skips, an entire Battenburg and a bag of Tangfastics.

Victor Meldrew's catchphrase "I don't believe it!" has been voted the UK's favourite in a poll. Surprised by the result, the sitcom's star, Richard Wilson reacted by saying, (DEL BOY VOICE) "Lovely Jubbly!"

An escaped prisoner was found hiding in a cave in China after 17 years on the run. Police say they would have found him sooner, but thought the tip off was just Chinese whispers.

It's been a good week for Disney fans after it was revealed that the Frozen 2 soundtrack will feature seven new songs.

It's been a bad week for parents as they know they'll still only be hearing one song...on repeat...forever. Let it go. PLEASE! LET IT GO!

It's been a bad week for McDonald's staff after they were attacked by a man dressed as a shark.

It's been a worse week for Baby Shark, who didn't get his Happy Meal do-do-do-do-do.

It's been a bad week for politics as Theresa May says she won't release a tell-all memoir.

It's been a good week for Theresa as no book deal is better than a bad book deal.

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Really liked BNs and GWBW 3.
Tangfastics - made me laugh.
Catchphrase my favourite.

Quote: Danno @ 3rd October 2019, 6:34 PM

still trying. just.

Tory health secretary Matt Hancock is said to be considering compulsory vaccination of schoolchildren. He wants youngsters to be immune from all four of the big illnesses; measles, mumps, rubella and socialism.

It's been revealed that some of us are more predisposed to the placebo effect than others; alarming news for anyone who's left their doctor's surgery with a bag of skittles and a severe case of rainbow fever.

A Chinese fugitive, on the run for 17 years, has been found living in a cave. He hopes to persuade a judge and jury that he's finally seen the light.

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Really like 1 and 3.

Quote: Joe Oakes @ 3rd October 2019, 7:10 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An Italian chef has been arrested after police found cannabis at his home, "I'm being persecuted for my religious beliefs" protested the devout Pastafarian.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for fans of Spitting Image as the show's return was announced.
It's been a bad week for whoever's job it is to clean up Prince Andrew's puppet.

Notes:
New tactic, I put the subject line as 'Newsjack One-liner Submissions (Gold Edition)'. Knew I should've gone platinum.

BN: Awful and obvious pun that makes me want to self-harm in embarrassment, which is why I thought it was worth a shot.

GWBW:
An objectively perfect joke, so I knew it had no chance.

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Liked gwbw

Some good ones here that were better than ones in the show IMO:

Quote: Thosisd @ 3rd October 2019, 6:09 PM

It's been a bad week for politics as Theresa May says she won't release a tell-all memoir.
It's been a good week for Theresa as no book deal is better than a bad book deal.

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I'm peed off on behalf of Donny Afternoon, I thought his joke was punchier than the very similar (less funny, spell it out slowly) one they used instead:

Quote: Donny Afternoon @ 4th October 2019, 3:21 AM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Facebook is trialling the removal of the 'like' button in Australia. It's still unknown how many Australians are in favour of the move.

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And this one from Exe(llent) Chris should have been a shoe-in IMO:

Quote: Exe Chris @ 4th October 2019, 1:37 PM

1. It's been a good week for Denise Welch after she shared her touching stories about fighting depression.
It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson after someone else shared his touching stories.

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I liked this, but wouldn't it have been funnier if read by a woman? No?

Quote: LateDentArthurDent @ 4th October 2019, 2:08 PM

'A survey has found Mothers with controlling voices are more likely to cause arguments, while Daddies with controlling voices are more likely to get my phone number.'

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These are my sense of humour:

Quote: johnfromsoho @ 4th October 2019, 2:53 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An inflatable Boris Johnson has been spotted above the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester. The gas filled attention seeking device has so far not commented on the blimp.
2. Dominic Cummings' wife denied that she was the second woman whose thigh Boris Johnson had squeezed. More bizarrely she hasn't denied being married to Dominic Cummings.
3. A survey has found that the average person spent £70.69 on a night out or as Londoners call it a quick pint.

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Only an idiot would say no to a joke that combines Fray Bentos and vegans... golden-crusted comedy:

Quote: KevDP4L @ 4th October 2019, 4:31 PM

3. Fray Bentos have released their first vegan steak and kidney pie. Food critics have praised the pie, saying they never knew vegans tasted so delicious.

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With a bit of a tweak I think the Biffa one was worthy... wonder if the conker joke would (unfortunately) fly over the heads of the young NJ producers? Do they even know what conkers is?

Quote: Costello @ 4th October 2019, 5:08 PM

1. Biffa have been fined £350,000 for sending general waste to China, labelled as paper recycling. A spokesperson stated they simply confused which bin to leave out after a bank holiday.
2. After reporting alarming extinction threat to European conker trees. Preparations are under way to soak the trees in vinegar and leave in an airing cupboard overnight.

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Onwards up upwards, I reckon there will be a few BCG one-liners making it on next week

I have not listened yet. Seriously - was the controlling voice read by a man???? I know that it could apply to a man but yes! It should have been read by a woman. IMO.

There are very good jokes in rejects.

Did anyone else put a sketch in? This is my reject:

"David Attenborough - Urban Jungle"

INTRO: A "monster supercat" has been spotted in London where it terrorised a young family - presumably because inner-city children have never seen animals in real life. But these aren't the only wild animals at large in the nation's capital city...

FX - URBAN JUNGLE NOISE

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here, in the depths of the urban jungle, there lies hidden a whole eco-system of wild animals fighting for survival.

FX - URBAN JUNGLE NOISE MERGING INTO HOUSE OF COMMONS NOISE

JOHN BERCOW: Order! Order!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: As we watch these astonishing beasts in their natural noisy habitat, we realise they have evolved their own complex systems of communication.

BORIS JOHNSON: (INCOMPREHENSIBLE MUMBLINGS)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here the apparently incomprehensible babbling of the Giant BoJo draws an all-too-familiar response from its natural rival, the extraordinary Red Backed Corbyn.

JEREMY CORBYN: Consider your position!

FX - GENERAL SHOUTING AND HUBBUB

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: In the wild, unpredictable wasteland of the Commons, such a threat will cause the pack to defend their leader at all costs.

VARIOUS: Prorogue! Prorogue!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: In the face of such hostility, some creatures quietly retreat back into their shells, such as the Lesser-Spotted Theresa May...

THERESA MAY: Sorry!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Other beasts appear almost oblivious to the general furore... here, quietly snoozing under the lights on the front bench, is this endangered member of the sloth family, the Reece-Mogg.

FX - GENERAL HOUSE OF COMMONS NOISE

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: So the question we have to ask is, are we happy that our grandchildren may never see these animals in the wild like this? (PAUSE) I think the answer is probably "yes".

BORIS JOHNSON: Humbug to you, Boaty McBoatface!

Quote: skram @ 5th October 2019, 3:05 PM

Did anyone else put a sketch in? This is my reject:

"David Attenborough - Urban Jungle"

INTRO: A "monster supercat" has been spotted in London where it terrorised a young family - presumably because inner-city children have never seen animals in real life. But these aren't the only wild animals at large in the nation's capital city...

FX - URBAN JUNGLE NOISE

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here, in the depths of the urban jungle, there lies hidden a whole eco-system of wild animals fighting for survival.

FX - URBAN JUNGLE NOISE MERGING INTO HOUSE OF COMMONS NOISE

JOHN BERCOW: Order! Order!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: As we watch these astonishing beasts in their natural noisy habitat, we realise they have evolved their own complex systems of communication.

BORIS JOHNSON: (INCOMPREHENSIBLE MUMBLINGS)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here the apparently incomprehensible babbling of the Giant BoJo draws an all-too-familiar response from its natural rival, the extraordinary Red Backed Corbyn.

JEREMY CORBYN: Consider your position!

FX - GENERAL SHOUTING AND HUBBUB

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: In the wild, unpredictable wasteland of the Commons, such a threat will cause the pack to defend their leader at all costs.

VARIOUS: Prorogue! Prorogue!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: In the face of such hostility, some creatures quietly retreat back into their shells, such as the Lesser-Spotted Theresa May...

THERESA MAY: Sorry!

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Other beasts appear almost oblivious to the general furore... here, quietly snoozing under the lights on the front bench, is this endangered member of the sloth family, the Reece-Mogg.

FX - GENERAL HOUSE OF COMMONS NOISE

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: So the question we have to ask is, are we happy that our grandchildren may never see these animals in the wild like this? (PAUSE) I think the answer is probably "yes".

BORIS JOHNSON: Humbug to you, Boaty McBoatface!

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I did a quick boaty one. Wasn't great IMO but did it as in mood for writing. Can post if anyone interested.... though I know what is wrong with it (everything).

Yours is very good..like it a lot. Way better than my one.
Only tweaks.. I would say the lesser spotted May bird. Maybe you could take off 'the Reece Mogg' and leave it at sloth family.
Then have Mogg snoring and saying something - which identifies him as the prat he is.
Maybe Attenborough could say 'I think the majority would say yes'.
Then Boris could squawk at the end (cos maybe not all know about the ship name eventual choice) 'Majority? Humbug! That ship should be Boatymcboatface not named after you. You ignored the public vote!'. That's assuming you based punchline on ship name choice though I may have got it wrong as I often do!

Thanks for the nice comments as always. I'm sure the good stuff gets noticed, but they deal with such a high volume.

Quote: Thosisd @ 6th October 2019, 10:34 AM

Thanks for the nice comments as always. I'm sure the good stuff gets noticed, but they deal with such a high volume.

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They do deal with a very high volume so I can see why many good jokes will not get on. Their choice of some jokes on the show is intriguing regardless.