British Comedy Guide

I read the news today oh boy! Page 2,087

Quote: john tregorran @ 14th September 2019, 10:51 PM

All those digity things are going right over my head.But never mind

Yes. Bloody boring.

Yes.Certainly not as exciting as the Express finding a dinosaur skull on Mars' https://www.express.co.uk/news/weird/1174624/nasa-ufo-conspiracy-space-nasa-mars-spirit-rover-alien-skull-fossil-mars

It would have been less of a shock if it was found under the White House,though.

Quote: john tregorran @ 14th September 2019, 11:44 PM

Yes.Certainly not as exciting as the Express finding a dinosaur skull on Mars'
.

Unbelievable that anyone could be so stupid and shame on the paper for giving the wanker air.

Is he a wanker because he is a UFOlogist or because he is a lying UFOlist?

So I am back on my travels, not having been beyond a mile in two months. I went to Queens Park Rangers versus Luton in the Shepherd's Bush. The ratchet back nearly always involves throwing myself in at the deep end.

The area has an ethnicity which is lovely on most days but not always. Irrespective of race, it is very keen on knife crime. Plus the Luton supporters have a bit of a reputation so there was a big police presence with an organisation that was almost as effective as my own policing method.

And every male QPR supporter is a heavily tattooed and rheumy eyed skinhead who says f**k every two seconds. That is, to compensate for wearing a rather pretty shirt containing hoops. Not only did I get there and back. I enjoyed it hugely. "Come on you Rs".

On a scale of 1-10 the violence/aggression factor was zero. All the people in that area - blacks, browns whites, greens, pinks and flesh coloured are in truth as soft as the softest children's toy - so the press is a liar.

Contrast with the train journey up in the section that is the leafy suburbs and, well, frankly, words fail me. So I will describe this when I can manage to do it because I am still spluttering with absolutely disgust in my fairly clean pants and unwashed socks.

I accept that the last is not so cool but I am always more nicely fragrant than the Shepherd's nether regions because I use Brut and splash it all over me.

The exotic mixture enables me to get served very quickly in Waitroses and also ensures that the local county lines gang take several paces back from me while I am waiting for a bus.

Image

The world's happiest hedgehog! Laughing out loud

Quote: Rood Eye @ 17th September 2019, 11:11 AM

Image

The world's happiest hedgehog! Laughing out loud

Do you know me?

That does kind of look like me in one of my favourite environments. :)

So this is the god honest's truth and it makes me sick to the stomach. It is very difficult to write actually. There was I thinking that Shepherd's Bush would be a bit challenging and it wasn't. That challenge came far earlier at my local station. And I am so appalled by politics now and the broader power establishment that I have to switch it off but you can't do that when it decides to sit next to you on a train. I don't know how old they were. Late 30s? Early 40s? Normally I am kind towards appearances. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. But I'm different when the attitudes are ugly. Then I will lay in. He was as wet looking as can be while being tall and almost certainly on a six figure salary. Her body was totally overfed. And they not only thought very highly of themselves but they wanted the rest of us to hear and effectively be dominated by their conversation with their two young daughters, aged I should think around 6 and 5. Megaphones both.

Well, we never heard from the 5 year old and not a lot from Dad who probably oozes his way through professional life with a civil style while in machiavellian form kills off the plebs. No, this was Mummy's ten minutes and to a far lesser extent daughter Eden, 6. What did Eden want to do as a profession? Eden in spite of malevolent parental influence was not for talking. "I don't want to talk right now" she said. And nor would I. Had I been six and my parents asked that, I would have told them to shrink their egos and f**k off. Fortunately I was otherwise blessed. I had parents who were mightily impressed by the fact that I could tie my own shoelaces at 19 and had never thought of university themselves so when I went it was so far off the scale they were delighted and totally indifferent as the sheer amazement of it grounded us all.

Mummy, who wasn't really talking to her daughter as she was actually addressing we inferiors in the train, is a judge. Eden, the clever little darlin', could see right through it even better than I could. I had every sympathy for her whatever then emerged. If she wanted to be like Mummy, she would have to study hard, pass all her exams, and spend five or seven years in higher education. Would Eden like to speak.?She wouldn't be given an ice cream if she didn't speak. Ice cream. Ice cream. What about that Eden? We don't mind you not speaking - the drippy though hard as nails Dad chipped in here - as sometimes you are very silly. But you know what? When you are not very silly we QUITE LIKE you. Note the lack of full on love. These people were clearly so revolting and that was before the mortal combat. That told me everything about the establishment now. I am about to get to the key point but honestly by the end of it I was literally nearly throwing up.

We get to between posh Purley and South Croydon. Eden decides to speak. Yes she would like an ice cream. She says that she has been silent a very long time. Well, yes dear. I can confirm that it has been three minutes but in broader terms I expect you are right and that you have never had a voice, so bludgeoning and over-inflated are your dark parental goons. Mummy, after all, decides who goes to jail and who does not. "So right Eden", the mother grotesque continues.

So - and here she raises her voice so as to say to the rest of us - plebs just try challenging me - "you are doing very well in your mortal combat game - you have now successfully learnt to stab several characters, haven't you, Good". What comes next is a decent point and a very cheap point but I will do it anyway. The first thing I wanted to say was "do you not recognise childhood?". The second was that these were Lib Dem voting Remainers. Sorry - but there it is. I can't help it.

Eden says "can I do in real life anything that is in the game?". "No" both "parents" say. If you try, we won't let you play the game. This is of course a game that is typified by limbs being chopped off in a random and blasé manner and excessive gore, the like of which I should not want to see. So then in an uncomfortable, this is not right, child like way, she takes it down a fair few notches, a violence having been encouraged and instilled into her in what I can only describe as child abuse by her establishment parents. She mentions a boy who she does not appear to like or dislike especially and asks "but would it be ok if I just kicked him in the willy?". Not one word of this is a lie. Wet Dad is quick to say "no, Eden, no".

Mummy the Judge also says no but then she pauses to reconsider for all of we plebeian train passengers' attentions. "Well" she says, "maybe if we filmed it and stuck it on the computer for humour we could make some money out of it. Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah". I am not a vindictive soul but I have been praying that she will fall off a cliff sooner rather than later. If it was just that the woman was utterly vile, I could cope with it but she is our country too and it is now evil. But I said not one word. A big part of me wishes that the hard men at football sorted it out but most of them are kind. It really makes me shudder. I'm the sort of man who on occasion needs to be amidst a bit of sweat and swearing on the grounds it is largely reassuring and reinforcing and even confidence boosting - I like men without the sexual aspect - you know damn well that whatever happens you are never going to get it from them proverbially or in any other way up the arse. This is not the way with dildo insertion central, whatever the gender or orientation. It's time for direct democracy - or the army.

:)

England

I have a soft spot for the Bush.
visited many times when Stan Bowles was the star.He was better than Rodney Marsh too.Didn't fall over when he got into the penalty box.

I enjoyed that read Horseradish and not in laugh at your misfortune kind of way but because I know what you mean. I'm a live and let live kind of person and like to see people enjoying themselves because that's what life is about but when people become inconsiderate no matter how slight it can really piss me off. It becomes ignorance and people talking loudly on public transport especially to their kids is one of the worst. They are talking loudly on purpose to make sure everyone can hear and that is just rude. If this woman really is a judge you should have got a photo because I have doubts it's ok for them to declare it in public.

In contrast my bus journey this morning was the opposite. A woman and girl of about six got on and sat in the aisle next to me so I could hear them even they were both talking at a normal volume. Not too loud and not whispering but loud enough so they could hear each other. It was an adorable conversation because it was like two adults having a chit chat. I usually hate everyone I see on my journey to work at 7am because of my sleep deprived state but this morning I actually got off the bus with a smile.

Is this news?

Quote: Chappers @ 17th September 2019, 11:24 PM

Is this news?

It happened so it's news. If you don't think it's 'news worthy' there are websites you can join. Tabloid forums for example.

I wonder how many of your posts are as pointless as this wank.

Laughing out loud

If the verdict 'Not Proven' were available to the Supreme Court, I reckon they would take it - i.e. We know Bastard Boris did it but we can't prove it.

I admire your stamina.I've given up caring.There's too many of them.

Quote: Briosaid @ 18th September 2019, 12:11 AM

If the verdict 'Not Proven' were available to the Supreme Court, I reckon they would take it - i.e. We know Bastard Boris did it but we can't prove it.

That's the secret of a successful murder.

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