British Comedy Guide

I read the news today oh boy! Page 2,043

Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 16th May 2019, 5:29 PM

Sounds like the section on The Word and they would always precede it by saying "I'll do anything to get on TV" The worst one I remember was a twenty something guy licking a very elderly ladies armpit. Just to get on TV. I got on TV by being in the audience of The Word and I didn't have to do anything disgusting.

Yes Sick I have that all on DVD somewhere from when they did "The Best of" and another one was a young chap giving a very old lady a very hard tongue lashing of a French kiss. ......................................and again. Sick

Well, the Change UK leaflet arrived. It has a picture of its leaders taking a selfie. They can't see beyond their own camera. I went into my front garden and sat on the steps. Then I stuck my face down into the flower bed. It was just like the old days. All the ants and wiggly worms were there and there was a buzzing bee close to my nostrils. This is the real world. It is organic and I can't understand why anyone would ever want to travel. I was reminded of how vehicles used to be. Always stuck in the garage with a broken engine, accompanied by the smell of oil and tarpaulin. Any queasiness in the tummy was offset by the smile in every wheel and a singing faucet. No teddy bear was worried that he didn't have underpants on.

I didn't wash this morning and won't do so until after polling day. I shall vote with clumps of mud and three butterflies stuck to my hair above a tiny daisy. It's on my cheek, naturally affixed by a sticky blade of grass. Yes, I will be passed by a dozen black four by fours denoting power but only in the sense of a cortege. The ones they house will never know the joys of Jefferson Airplane coming up from the soil through the dandelion stalks and blending with the wireless. That was where decisions were made in the sixties. Every rusted snail in a straw strewn bonnet knew and loved its place, whether that was in clod or sump or pirate ship. Life oozed from every watery patch and even from the dryer parts of the photosynthesis.

I used to swing in my garden. I would swing and swing and sing "Wonderful Dream" while staring up into the sky. The clouds were like countries. It was a map of the world but not the world of my globe where the shapes were different and all wrong. It was obviously more accessible. I could fit my body into it and there it could dissolve. In contrast. if I sat on what was on my desk, I would break it. It would no longer revolve. The further I got into Anne Marie David, the more robust would become my swinging. I would swing and swing until the whole damn thing was almost wrenched out of the lawn. Then I would jump. I would end up on the ground rubbing my head from what would be a terrible bump. But quickly I would be back on the seat doing it all again so that we didn't have to build more runways when I was forced into school..

It was, I think, an ethereal message from Vicky Leandros via Severine which in 2017 got me up into a glider. I used to wave at the gliders during my garden swinging sessions. I had always assumed that the drivers in them were cheerily waving back. It was for this reason that I never happened to agree that there is no such thing as society. Imagine, therefore, my shock when I saw Beachy Head in one direction and Wembley in the other. I couldn't see my swing at all and the local hills I knew looked strangely flattened. In contrast, the movement of the glider was such that it felt like we were travelling around a small ball that was full of what other people laughably call countries . It didn't suit me or my escritoire. So if the Government has to build roads, I do believe now that no one should put in the effort to design them with odd inclines.

Wave

I have a friend in Scunny working for British Steel, and he says it will rip the hart out of Sc**thorpe if they go, they're a bit isolated so he might need to do more than get on his bike and Tebbit once said. But surely, for strategic reasons, we need a foothold in steel ? We still have UK business that need steel. The Chinese (and India) have played a blinder on this, they've slowly been buying up all the natural resources, being the worlds biggest manufactures. If you gain a monopoly, in the way Microsoft had, it's ridiculously profitable. And just as Microsoft pay the small fines for breaking the monopolies rules, China will do the same. As Unison said, the governments procrastination on Brexit killed British Steel and only the government can prop it up. France propped up its motor industry, to great long term benefit. We really do lack business acumen among our MPs. They are so short sighted. For example, the trade war between America and China is throwing up a wonderful opportunities to get business from either side, but our MPs are navel gazing and missing out right now. As Boris said "F**k industry" but guess who pays his salary, taxes from industry ! Let them eat cake...

Quote: Firkin @ 21st May 2019, 8:09 PM

I have a friend in Scunny working for British Steel, and he says it will rip the hart out of Sc**thorpe if they go, they're a bit isolated so he might need to do more than get on his bike and Tebbit once said. But surely, for strategic reasons, we need a foothold in steel ? We still have UK business that need steel. The Chinese (and India) have played a blinder on this, they've slowly been buying up all the natural resources, being the worlds biggest manufactures. If you gain a monopoly, in the way Microsoft had, it's ridiculously profitable. And just as Microsoft pay the small fines for breaking the monopolies rules, China will do the same. As Unison said, the governments procrastination on Brexit killed British Steel and only the government can prop it up. France propped up its motor industry, to great long term benefit. We really do lack business acumen among our MPs. They are so short sighted. For example, the trade war between America and China is throwing up a wonderful opportunities to get business from either side, but our MPs are navel gazing and missing out right now. As Boris said "F**k industry" but guess who pays his salary, taxes from industry ! Let them eat cake...

1. Football in the Region - and Future Employment There

Much against my preference as a devotee of Simon Inglis's book on historical football grounds (most of which have now tragically been demolished), both Grimsby Town and Lincoln City football clubs are looking to follow that awful destructive trend in the immediate years ahead of building new/replacement stadiums. There should be plenty of work to be found for your friend and others in those projects.

Perhaps especially in the latter because - I will let you into a secret here which not a lot of people know other than those of us in the know - Lincoln City who were promoted this year from League 2 to League 1 will be getting promoted to the Championship next year and the Premier League the following year. It sounds totally bizarre but there is on the quiet a huge amount of money floating around in that general area.

2. How the British Created EU Expansion at Lincolnshire's Cost

British Steel as it is now - German - was bought three years ago for £1 and was doing alright just about until the international price of steel went crashing. It could be saved by Government via its "in house" projects like HS2 and Crossrail both of which need loads of steel and precisely the sort of steel that British Steel manufactures.

However, Blair and Brown and then later Cameron and Osborne stuck the clamp on this country's economy by promoting EU power (it wasn't Brussels but New Labour who insisted that it was expanded eastwards and unusually because Brussels liked that message they conceded). Even earlier, it was none other than Shirley Williams (Lib Dem) who had been despatched to Ukraine to draw up its first constitution (I kid you not) in readiness for its future inclusion in the EU (although that constitution has since changed).

So the very idea that Lincolnshire or any other English county. other than the ones which directly involved them, was or is ever uppermost in their minds is a sick joke.

3. The Chinese Dimension - We Are All Communist-Capitalists Now

But in actuality it was far, far worse than that. The sheer number of Chinese people in the North East and North Yorkshire is now simply mind boggling. (Go there and observe it as I did.) That is because Blair (who had a constituency there along with Mandelson, Milburn and Byers) and Brown quietly decided to make up for the depletion of the region's industries by allowing its universities to become six times the size that they had been only a few years ago (3,000 (1985) to 18,000 (2015) with the buildings to go with it in the case of York University alone and it is typical) with considerable access to Chinese money.

One consequence was the need for future British governments, whoever they are, to kowtow to China's communist-capitalist expectations that they would be rewarded by a gigantic Chinese student intake and so now there are more Chinese doing postgraduate courses in the UK than people from the EU. You won't find any newspaper telling you this or indeed Nigel Farage who appears to agree from his lack of statements on the matter that he is fully in agreement with Labs, Cons, Lib Dems and Greens on it. I see no differences on this between any of them.

I mention this because obligations to China obviously extend beyond the universities. If we do a Trump and say to the Chinese that we are not having any of their steel for our rail etc projects as we would prefer the steel to be made in Sc**thorpe, they will threaten to withdraw all their money - and people - from the universities. At that point, those places will end up looking like ghost towns which in fact is precisely what somewhere like downtown Durham still is without a tiny bit of tourism around the cathedral and its Beijing sized campus.

4. Steel Could Be Replaced By a Stock Exchange and Hub of Tulips Etc

One thing I do agree with you on is the all-round ineptitude associated with paving the way forward for Brexit. I would single out Liam Fox here who should have been on TV listing for at least an hour all of the new projects he was arranging but there aren't any. I told him/them that they should build a flower stock exchange/hub in Lincs (great transport links for the rest of the UK) to rival the one in Holland which is so massive that it can be seen from outer space.

Currently all the tulips etc which are grown under canvas in Ethiopia and Kenya etc go rapidly to that place in Holland before being sent on equally rapidly to supermarkets around the world including your local Tesco. We could do that here but when I wrote to them they ignored what I had to say, much as they ignore almost everything else..

I wouldn't even employ you as a scarecrow, darlin':

https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1130131/brexit-news-charity-worker-suspended-farage-acid-attack-tweet-milkshake

Quote: A Horseradish @ 22nd May 2019, 6:44 AM

I wouldn't even employ you as a scarecrow, darlin':

https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1130131/brexit-news-charity-worker-suspended-farage-acid-attack-tweet-milkshake

Stupid old bag. Throwing acid over somebody is a heinous action and NO ONE deserves that.

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FUKKA !

Quote: Firkin @ 21st May 2019, 8:09 PM

I have a friend in Scunny working for British Steel, and he says it will rip the hart out of Sc**thorpe if they go,

And what about poor Nigel? His future was as good as sealed with them. And all those plans we made on his behalf...

Quote: A Horseradish @ 21st May 2019, 8:34 PM

There should be plenty of work to be found for your friend and others in those projects.

Lincolnshire is sparsely populated (for an English county).

Potential job losses = 31,900.
Population of Scunny = 82,334 but I can see that changing dramatically.

The point is, countries need a certain level of self sufficiency, or their negotiation hand becomes very week. You mentioned kowtowing to China, but if they have all the resource, how else do you get it ? Germany and India have made moves, but Germany uses more steel than we do. We need politicians that engage in global economics, not one that can't even get their expense claims right.

Quote: Firkin @ 22nd May 2019, 12:38 PM

Lincolnshire is sparsely populated (for an English county).

Potential job losses = 31,900.
Population of Scunny = 82,334 but I can see that changing dramatically.

The point is, countries need a certain level of self sufficiency, or their negotiation hand becomes very week. You mentioned kowtowing to China, but if they have all the resource, how else do you get it ? Germany and India have made moves, but Germany uses more steel than we do. We need politicians that engage in global economics, not one that can't even get their expense claims right.

1. Self-Sufficiency and Fake News on Steel

The self-sufficiency point is one of my pet subjects. I agree with you totally. George Galloway says about fears over the future of Honda in Swindon words to the effect of "sod Honda". We should and could make British cars there. We have the expertise.

In truth, we know now that the media doesn't tell us properly what is happening anywhere. There was a bloke on this morning who was claiming that China only accounts for 4% of steel here. Other people say it is entirely different so it's all fake news .

2. Job Seekers in Hull (Since the Housemartins)

I have been doing a bit of research today. To take another place in the region, when I visited friends at Hull University in 1983 its student numbers were around 3,000, The place seemed so small that one person I knew could name everyone who was throwing up his guts full of beer and curry in the Land of Green Ginger including himself.

Now they are 20,000 and most of that increase as with Durham and York has occurred in the past 20 years. (Basically if you add up just the increases of Durham, York and Hull students alone it totals a staggering 50,000 plus extra).

But when you look at the number of people employed by the University of Hull it is only 2,500. That is the pathetic number of jobs such expansion has created. So - and unsurprisingly Hull as a city's population is the biggest it has been in 20 years while York's population is probably the biggest it has ever been - huge numbers of those students are going through just three years of study there and then being added to the number of properly local job seekers.

You could say "oh well, Hull, LIncoln etc" (and I also mentioned Grimsby) are not local to Sc**thorpe. No - but at 20-30 miles away from Sc**thorpe, they would if they were in the South East be of commuting distance. The culture is different in the provinces in that people are used to jobs being very local. Arguably, that needs to change. But there isn't much point in them commuting if so many students are graduating in the places to which they would travel for work. The only work is in the initial construction.

3. Electoral Reform - Ringfence the Teenagers

A lot of all the grand university expansion nonsense was done, of course, to ensure that there are more Labour MPs. That's why even Canterbury went Labour. Genuine local people's votes and jobs have been submerged in university cities by the votes of the thousands of acne ridden friends of Mao.

I have written to many politicians saying that university students should be placed in separate regional higher education constituencies so that ordinary constituencies are just for local people. They would all return Labour MPs but there wouldn't be very many of them and normal seats would go back to being truly competitive.

I thought it might at least appeal to Farage but he didn't want to know.

Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 22nd May 2019, 10:27 AM
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FUKKA !

I can never see that man's face without being reminded of copious spittle even when his mouth isn't in full view. Teary

The last time I will ever be able to vote (and even now it's almost impossible).........

EU Election Essay - Part 1

A. I have just opened a tin of Tesco's custard, emptied two thirds of it over my trousers and spooned the rest into each earhole, up my nose and into my shoes. Yep. That's right. It is time for the walk along the long plank to the polling station and it is the only way I am going to get out of the house. It indicates both the absolutely not wanting to go there to myself and absolutely not wanting to be there on my arrival to everyone else.

B. My requirements couldn't in theory be more simple. 1. The honouring of Brexit, preferably with a withdrawal agreement. 2. The safeguarding of the NHS in the future, That's it. Just two things. And yet of 88 candidates from 11 groups in the London constituency, the vast majority will not do 1 and the rest are very iffy on 2. There was a time in ancient history - 2017 - when Mrs May's Conservatives seemed to be that party and if it all went pear shaped, which seemed most unlikely, there was always Mr Corbyn's Labour Party to turn to with gritted teeth. Even Mr Cable then, a man who I actively campaigned for in York in 1983 when he was a Social Democrat (one of three parties to date for which he has stood as a candidate and in the good old days of a modest EEC) was an option, lying as he did that he would respect the outcome of the referendum. Sadly none of the above now applies.

C. I like Mrs May. She has been one of this country's outstanding Prime MInisters and hasn't ever set a foot wrong (in my humble opinion). She has done everything by the book. Loyalty to her would enable me to vote for her if she were standing as a party of one person. Sadly she isn't standing and she is a Conservative. And she is going to have her head axed off by Parliamentarians any moment now. A vote for the Conservatives would not be a vote for her. It would be a vote against her, whatever it sought to say, and consequently be a vote for her opponents on either side of her in her own party, for all of the other parties in Parliament who have decided to kill democracy and for the EU which has gone in two years from being a bit of a dodgy friend to someone one hopes to God Vladimir Putin will some time soon find enough balls to invade.

D. "Oh she should have said at the start we are leaving on WTO terms unless they offer a great withdrawal agreement. That way we would have got something truly wonderful". Well, she couldn't could she and we wouldn't have would we. Davis knew it. Raab knew it . Bill Cash and Rees-Mogg knew it was total bollocks too. The arithmetic wasn't there. The Tory Remainers wouldn't have agreed to that starting point and the EU was never going to offer more than it has done. The bullying of her by all concerned is now so stomach-churning that there is no way on earth that I will ever vote Tory again (not that I ever did before 2017). As for Johnson, that just doubles my determination not to do so. We've had more than enough of people from Eton thanks (along with almost everybody else).

E. So what will the Brexit Party offer? The key one is democracy which trounces all else or should do but where, when it romps home on Sunday, will this all lead? It is apparently gearing up for the general election. Can you just imagine it? That manifesto committee room in which nine out of ten Brexit Party bigwigs propose replacing the NHS with private health insurance and Claire Fox and the other leftist person they are using, whoever that might be, complains. They will immediately be shown the door.

F. There is no general election future in them. Labour types who will vote for them today will desert them when that sort of policy comes to the fore and wish that UKIP was still afloat (which it won't be in a couple of months time) for at least UKIP members ultimately argued against Farage that the NHS should be supported. Their policy is that healthcare should be free at the point of use. So, no, the main outcome of a stunning Brexit Party performance now will not be a pro NHS Brexit Party Government but Bozo being ushered in as the Tory Party leader with mere lip service to the NHS and the Brexit Party sidelined. He can't even deliver Brexit because the arithmetic in his own party and Parliament will be exactly the same as under Mrs May.

EU Election Essay - Part 2

E. As for UKIP, its leader Gerard Batten is looking forward to his retirement. He has virtually said that he is getting out almost as soon as Mrs May is being pushed out. This ladies and gentlemen is the main UKIP candidate in London and there isn't a cat in hell's chance that he will be elected. Then, of course, there are the additional angles that we might call here Benjamin and Robinson. Benjamin - a very bright if overly clever-clever man - was not at all wise or indeed mature with his so-called rape jokes. Women, though, will need to forgive me if I say that those are not my main concern about him. That is about what is obviously a radical libertarianism in him which I don't believe would ever be supportive of the NHS. The question, then, is how many Benjamins are there in UKIP and when Batten goes is the full dose of libertarianism going to take it over? Probably yes and oh dear.

D. Robinson is a different kettle of fish. He was appointed by Batten as his adviser. People of ethnic background may need to forgive me when I say that I do not believe that he is a racist or especially a fascist now we know that the true fascism is elsewhere. Clearly he is for Brexit, hence democracy. He would support the NHS. He is standing as an independent in the North West and is one of less than ten candidates in the country, all outside London, who actually would deliver my two humble requirements. The fact that he is a bogey man to the liberal fascist establishment, genuinely, but also because it finds it needs one for its own advantage to my mind merely adds to his appeal. I will laugh my head off if he gets elected (which again is most unlikely) because they will all be totally distraught and it will serve them right. Had I been in the North West I would have felt obliged to vote for him for reasons of my democracy and health.

C. But in two or three other regions, the English Democrats are standing. This is for those who are eligible a more at ease and somewhat less vindictive vote. Fewer controversial associations than Robinson. Of the hundreds of candidates nationwide these apart from him are ludicrously the only people who are both for Brexit and reliable in their support for the NHS. I am very envious of people in the regions in which the English Nationalists are standing. They are the only people too who are anywhere near my requirements and without the overt accusations of racism that follow Tommy. But I can't vote for them as they are not standing in London.

B. So what do I do? I suppose I am going to have to hold my nose and vote for the Brexit Party although I might vote for UKIP. I just don't know and am writing this purely for the reason of delaying leaving my house and going to the polling station where I might have to scribble graffiti on the outside of its walls rather than putting my x in any box. I've got a piece of paper in my pocket with some of the phrases I thought of earlier. It is squelching a bit but I couldn't give a toss. "Shove Custard on Your Tie" is one and "Milkshake Off" is another. I have also got "Ooh Jeremy Cobblers", "All Liberals Are Bisexual", "I Wouldn't Even Grape You" and "Green Loons Cause Climate Change."

A. But I probably won't do it. I've just opened a tin of peas and am going to spend some time spooning them into my socks and pants. Hopefully, my agoraphobia will then go and I'll vote in the old people's centre they have had to close for this charade for Ben Habib. He's the property developer Brexit friend of Nigel. Whether he would support the NHS is anybody's guess but at least he is a democrat of sorts. This is not to say that there isn't a huge problem going forward. If Brexit is ever delivered - ha, ha, ha - there is not one party I could envisage being able to support in any future general election - Corbyn, no, Swinson, no, Johnson no. the Greens' car accident bloke no and Farage where domestic health policy is important (unlike in EU elections), no. So it is almost certainly the last time I will ever be able to vote. Oh no. Now I can't find my aerosol and my upper lip's gone all custardy. I need a hanky. Teary

Quote: A Horseradish @ 23rd May 2019, 12:35 PM

The last time I will ever be able to vote (and even now it's almost impossible).........

EU Election Essay - Part 1

Teary

All too brief again Horse - you musn't feel shy in letting ALL you passions out.

So now I have voted.

Full Voting History - All Elections (general, local, mayoral, European)

1979-1996 : Always SDP or Lib/Lib Dem except once for Tories in a GLC election

(This was a left wing position in the era of Mrs Thatcher/Mr Major - I actually joined the SDP when it was formed)

1997- 2009: Always Lib Dem except once for Labour in Mayoral election and once for Greens in EU election

(Arguably this was also a left wing position in the era of Mr Blair - eg the Libs opposed the Iraq War)

2010- 2016: Green in all elections other than local elections when I voted Conservative

(This was predominantly a left wing position in the era of Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg - the local Con vote was for a friend)

2017- 2018: Conservative in all elections

(This appeared to be more of a centrist position than anything offered by Mr Corbyn or Mr Cable : it was a vote for Mrs May - NOT Oliver Letwin on the one hand or Rees-Mogg on the other hand - note I never voted UKIP under Nigel Farage)

Referendum - Tentatively voted Remain, nearly abstained, accepted the result immediately for democratic reasons - totally sickened that many in Parliament did not do the same - I can't stand the EU now at any price - prepared to accept No Deal but no real love for uncompromising No Dealers in the Tory Party as I prefer May's agreement, warts and all, and do have some questions around Farage (who I find better than ok), not least in regard to his huge ego and establishment leanings

2019 EU elections - UKIP (not the Brexit Party)

This is a far right position into which I have been pushed, along with into anti liberalism, against my will by the extreme, modern, fascist liberal establishment. UKIP can't force it into its senses but more traditional fascists would do especially with army support. Consequently, for as long as there isn't an end to freedom of movement I will not vote in the future unless there is a candidate covered in swastikas and doing regular sieg heils. It seems to me that it might take the latter to smash the former before we can smash them too and get back to democracy. If there is ever an an end to freedom of movement, I will vote for the party which delivers it - I believe it is the best policy for all people of all races already here - as long as that party is fully committed to the NHS and led by Rory Stewart, Andrea Leadsom or at a push Michael Gove. Obviously I would prefer it in many ways to be delivered by Lab, not Cons, but there is no chance of that happening!

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