Newsjack rejects series 20 Page 8

And lo, the last of my rejected jokes for the series...

BREAKING NEWS:

The typical basket of goods used to calculate the rate of inflation has been updated with Smart Speakers for the first time, prompting members of the public to say, Alexa, please stop adding other Alexas to the shopping basket.

Scottish National Party MP, Angus Robertson, has told the Welsh party Plaid Cymru that they are too focussed on Welsh matters and need a rebrand. However, the Welsh politicians became suspicious of his motives when he suggested changing 'plaid' to Tartan.

Kelsey Grammar has revealed that his show Frasier is set for a reboot, or as the British stars of the show would call it: "a whole new clog on one of me hooves, guv'nor!"

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:
#TrashTag: spoiling really good graffiti by adding rubbish graffiti.
Pineapple: longing for the days when people would just eat normal fruit normally.
Superdry: the level of humour in the Captain Marvel movie.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

It's been a bad week for the internet, after its creator, Sir Tim Berners-Lee said it was heading towards "a dysfunctional future" due to the spread of misinformation. It's been a good week for Sir Tim Berners-Lee, whose Wikipedia entry no longer links to Johnny Lee Miller, Rusty Lee, or Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz. For now.

It's been a good week for late night dessert parlours, which have undergone a recent boom in popularity. It's been a bad week for pubs who serve beers with a lot of head, as customers really do want a flake in that.

It has been a bad week for pervs on the Manchester National Express after police stopped a coach to arrest a couple of strangers having sex. It has been a good week for pervs on Northern Rail, as the trains are so crowded, they can get away with dry-humping strangers every day.

BREAKING NEWS

1. In Chicago, R. Kelly has been released on bail despite his 1996 hit single suggesting he's a serious flight risk.

2. In Blackpool, William and Kate were "deeply affected" by a visit to local slum properties and, in particular, by a tenant who described his situation as "between a stick of rock and a hard place".

3. Scientists at Jodrell Bank have been astonished by a message from the Andromeda galaxy saying "Kiri Pritchard-McLean on NewsJack: can you ask her to turn it down a bit? There are people trying to sleep here!"

GOOD WEEK - BAD WEEK

1. It's been a good week for TV drama as Richard Gere returns to the small screen in "MotherFatherSon" on BBC2.
However, it's been a bad week for families who watched the first episode together as many of them are still unable to look each other in the face.

2. It's been a good week for an Australian company inundated with orders for a new scented candle that smells exactly like a McDonald's cheeseburger.
But it's been a bad week for Kim Jong-un who received one of the candles as a gift - and promptly ate it!

3. It's been a good week for Meghan Markle who says she's delighted to feel the "kicking of feminism" inside her.
But it's been a bad week for Piers Morgan who criticised the all-women episode of "Emmerdale" and has received threats that he'll soon be feeling the kicking of feminism behind him.

Bit of a half-hearted effort for me this week in terms of quantity "and quality" i hear you heckle.

Snooker player, Ronnie O'Sullivan, has recorded his 1,000th century. He was clearly exhausted by the feat as during the frame he kept asking for a rest.

A Birmingham City fan has been jailed for running onto the pitch and attacking a
player. The FA said: 'a line had been crossed'...after consulting VAR.

Game of Thrones: Finding the least minging toilet cubicle at a motorway services. (had high hopes)

'Winter is Coming': What 'March to Leavers' will be shouting at Nigel Farage after his umpteenth pub lunch.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Chris Grayling's opening gambit (I didn't submit this one because Jen Knee did a similar one last week and I didn't want to be accused of being a 'tea leaf')

Also did one about safe sex on a national express coach whilst wearing a seat belt which was a right bodge job.

Danno liked the NJPS.
Wishus I personally liked the perv and SNP ones.
Rood Eye my favourites of yours were stick of rock one and the three good week/bad weeks.
See you all in September or whenever it is for some more writing!

This sketch was just a bit of fun based on articles about the misleading names of various products on sale in the EU.

"WHAT'S IN A NAME?"

CHAIRMAN: My fellow board members, as chairman of this food-manufacturing conglomerate, I am delighted to tell you that the European Commission has decided that we may continue to call tonic water "tonic water" even though it has absolutely no health benefits.

FX: QUIET APPLAUSE

MAN: Have they said anything about cheesecake?

CHAIRMAN: What do you mean?

MAN: Well, it's not a cake: it's a pie.

WOMAN: More of a flan, actually.

MAN: And what about Boston Cream Pie?

CHAIRMAN: What about it?

MAN: It's not a pie: it's a cake.

WOMAN: That's true.

CHAIRMAN: We've had no complaints about cakes or pies.

MAN: What about strawberries? They're not berries and neither are raspberries or
blackberries.

CHAIRMAN: We've had no complaints about fruit.

WOMAN: I'll tell you what is a berry though - a banana.

MAN: I'm not sure that's true.

WOMAN: It bloody well is!

CHAIRMAN: Yes, yes. but even if it is true, the name "banana" doesn't suggest it's anything that it isn't.

WOMAN: I know: I was just saying.

CHAIRMAN: Moving along, is there any other business?

WOMAN: A guinea pig isn't a pig.

CHAIRMAN: I now declare this meeting closed.

WOMAN: . . . and they cost more than a guinea.

CHAIRMAN: It's lunchtime: I fancy spaghetti Bolognese (which has absolutely no connection with Bologna) a pint of Danish lager (which I know for a fact is brewed in Manchester) and some peanuts (which aren't nuts at all - they're legumes). I'll just freshen up and I'll see you all over there in ten minutes.

FX: CHAIR PUSHED BACK, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

MAN: He's a wonderful chairman.

FX: MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

WOMAN: He's okay - but nobody loves a smart arse.

END

BASED ON THE "SEX FOR RENT" CONTROVERSY

"FOR LOVE OR MONEY"

FX: DOOR OPENS

GIRL 1: I'm home!

GIRL 2: Did you get any food?

GIRL 1: Yes, my mum gave us a bagful.

GIRL 2: Brilliant! I'm starving.

GIRL 1: Anything happen while I was out?

GIRL 2: The landlord came round for his rent.

GIRL 1: Oh no! What did you tell him?

GIRL 2: I told him the truth. We haven't got any money.

GIRL 1: So, is he chucking us out?

GIRL 2: No, he said if I'd "be nice" to him, he'd accept that instead of money this time (BEAT) so I agreed and that's what happened.

GIRL 1: That's terrible! Absolutely terrible! (TRYING TO CHEER HER FRIEND UP) Still, at least the rent's sorted till next week.

GIRL 2: Not quite: he's coming back for your half at 6 o'clock.

END

Rood Eye, I read and did rather like your first sketch. You write fluently, it seems to me.
Apologies, I just did not quite see the punchline as a punchline but I can be a bit slow with this kind of thing.
Also did you put an intro gag? Apparently it is the thing to do to write an intro with at least one joke in it for Kiri to introduce the sketch - but you may already know this.

Second sketch - good punchline. Good title.

Quote: B T F @ 14th March 2019, 10:24 PM

Rood Eye, I read and did rather like your first sketch. You write fluently, it seems to me.
Apologies, I just did not quite see the punchline as a punchline but I can be a bit slow with this kind of thing.
Also did you put an intro gag? Apparently it is the thing to do to write an intro with at least one joke in it for Kiri to introduce the sketch - but you may already know this.

View original

Hello B T F,

I know almost nothing about NewsJack, I'm afraid.

This was my first ever attempt at NJ submissions and, prior to writing the material, I'd only listened to one episode.

On their website, there's lots of info for would-be contributors but, having said that, there are a hell of a lot of questions that they simply don't address.

I didn't put an intro (per se) or a joke at the start of either sketch: I didn't know I had to. I simply said which news item had inspired the sketch. I thought that was all they wanted.

The last line of the first sketch is hardly a "killer" punchline, I admit - but I thought (perhaps wrongly!) that it worked well enough.

I'm always open to advice.

Only two I actually liked from me this week, 1 BN and one GW/BW

- A woman was injured in Arizona this week after climbing over a zoo barrier to take a selfie with a jaguar; zoo officials warn that '64 Zoo Lane is a kids' show, not a role model'.

- It's been a bad week for Tim Cook, who was mistakenly called Tim Apple by Donald Trump at a conference.
It's been a worse week for Jeff Amazon, Bill Microsoft and Mark Facebook, who didn't get invited to the after-party.

I also did a sketch about dinosaurs, where I did a Jurassic Park riff, but the dinosaurs were politicians but it was a bit naff.

For anyone who noticed one especially shitty entry in Newsjackipedia this week, well...it was mine. And I'm sorry. I wish it didn't have to be like this. And, if nothing else, it represents some of the most surprisingly hardcore editing since they went back and digitally removed all the f-bombs from Vera Lynn's back catalogue. The original was naff. A hastily written, lazy (if whimsical) space-filler. The broadcast version was...I mean, it's not even really a joke any more. Is it churlish to complain? Probably. But I am genuinely curious as to what more experienced folks make of this.

The original: 'Corbyning' - To do nothing at all whilst looking like you're doing even less than that.
The broadcast version: 'Corbyning' - To do absolutely nothing.

I feel slightly vindicated in having mixed emotions about this by the fact that it bombed harder than the aforementioned Forces' Sweetheart.

Anyway, here are the rest of this week's efforts. I quite liked my other two Newsjackipedias...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Hundreds of nursery school headteachers have marched to Downing Street to protest funding cuts. They were meant to arrive on Monday but were delayed until Wednesday because of nap time.
2. NASA has announced that it will establish a 'permanent human presence' on the Moon by 2028. Over 15 million people have signed a petition asking for that human presence to be Ed Sheeran.
3. Prince Edward has become the Earl of Forfar. Already the Earl of Wessex and an O.B.E., he will now be known as Earl Earlobe. [EDITOR: This is a Stupid joke with a capital S.] [CONTRIBUTOR: I know it's with a capital S. I just read it.] [EDITOR: No, that's not fair. That was something I said out loud, not something to be read by you.] [CONTRIBUTOR: Well, tough s***, pal. It's not my fault if you don't understand the format of this imaginary conversation. It's right there, three lines above this one. 'Stupid' - I can see it.]

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. 'Idris Elbow' - The one part of your body that's sexy enough to be in a Bond film.
2. 'Dystopiary' - A sinister post-apocalyptic society with tremendous landscape gardening.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Doctor Who fans in Chippenham, who fell eight short of the world record for the most Daleks in the same place. It's been a good week for the eight missing Daleks, who announced that they had formed a new Independent Dalek Group and then went for tea at Nando's.
2. It's been a bad week for Thameslink Railway, which has spent 240 million pounds on trains that can't be used because the drivers can't see the signals or the track. It's been a good week for Southern Rail, which at last has something to aspire to.
3. It's been a good week for Kim Jong-un, whose party was re-elected unopposed to the North Korean parliament. It's been a very, very bad week for the one man at the Pyongyang branch of Ladbrokes who bet against this result 'for a laugh'.

Quote: Jee Knee @ 15th March 2019, 1:03 AM

I am genuinely curious as to what more experienced folks make of this.

The original: 'Corbyning' - To do nothing at all whilst looking like you're doing even less than that.
The broadcast version: 'Corbyning' - To do absolutely nothing.

View original

The original version is good.

If they wanted to polish it, they could have gone with "To do nothing while appearing to do even less."

The broadcast version is very weak: in fact, it's more than weak; it's nearly a fortnight!

Quote: Jee Knee @ 15th March 2019, 1:03 AM

2. 'Dystopiary' - A sinister post-apocalyptic society with tremendous landscape gardening.

View original

That's good.

This week's oneliners. I knew a couple probably didn't stand a chance for editorial reasons if nothing else. Still foolishly putting a couple in for me, not the show!

A demo of David Bowie's song Starman has been put up for auction. It was expected to sell for £10,000 but the market is subject to significant [sings] ch-ch-ch-changes.

Hail stones the size of mint imperials have hit the Peak District. Local residents described the extreme weather as a breath of fresh air. [Made the show].

A village in the Midlands has been overrun by Amazon distribution lorries going the wrong way. When villagers complained they were sent to Coventry.

It's been a bad week for UK life expectancy which has fallen by six months.
It's been a worse week for people who were recently given six months to live.

It's been a bad week for video games which won't be part of the next Olympics.
It's been a good week for video gamers who now won't have to leave the house.

It's been a good week for the Catholic priest who was allowed back in the church after taking part in orgies.
It's been a better week for the collection plate as lots of people seem to have donated their cars.

Deadlock: When the outcome of Brexit negotiations is decided by Simon Cowell.

R. Kelly: A northern girl called Kelly.

Severe Gail: A particularly dramatic episode of Coronation Street.

Quote: B T F @ 14th March 2019, 8:36 PM

Danno liked the NJPS.
...
Rood Eye my favourites of yours were stick of rock one and the three good week/bad weeks.
See you all in September or whenever it is for some more writing!

View original

Very much in agreement with BTF there!

Quote: Rood Eye @ 14th March 2019, 10:39 PM

Hello B T F,

I know almost nothing about NewsJack, I'm afraid.

This was my first ever attempt at NJ submissions and, prior to writing the material, I'd only listened to one episode.

On their website, there's lots of info for would-be contributors but, having said that, there are a hell of a lot of questions that they simply don't address.

I didn't put an intro (per se) or a joke at the start of either sketch: I didn't know I had to. I simply said which news item had inspired the sketch. I thought that was all they wanted.

The last line of the first sketch is hardly a "killer" punchline, I admit - but I thought (perhaps wrongly!) that it worked well enough.

I'm always open to advice.

View original

I love your first sketch, but yeah needs something for Kiri to say at the start.
The end is a funny enough summing up I think.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 14th March 2019, 10:39 PM

Hello B T F,

I know almost nothing about NewsJack, I'm afraid.

This was my first ever attempt at NJ submissions and, prior to writing the material, I'd only listened to one episode.

On their website, there's lots of info for would-be contributors but, having said that, there are a hell of a lot of questions that they simply don't address.

I didn't put an intro (per se) or a joke at the start of either sketch: I didn't know I had to. I simply said which news item had inspired the sketch. I thought that was all they wanted.

The last line of the first sketch is hardly a "killer" punchline, I admit - but I thought (perhaps wrongly!) that it worked well enough.

I'm always open to advice.

View original

I love your first sketch, but yeah needs something for Kiri to say at the start.
The end is a funny enough summing up I think.

Quote: Auditchris @ 15th March 2019, 6:13 AM

This week's oneliners. I knew a couple probably didn't stand a chance for editorial reasons if nothing else. Still foolishly putting a couple in for me, not the show!

A demo of David Bowie's song Starman has been put up for auction. It was expected to sell for £10,000 but the market is subject to significant [sings] ch-ch-ch-changes.

Hail stones the size of mint imperials have hit the Peak District. Local residents described the extreme weather as a breath of fresh air. [Made the show].

A village in the Midlands has been overrun by Amazon distribution lorries going the wrong way. When villagers complained they were sent to Coventry.

It's been a bad week for UK life expectancy which has fallen by six months.
It's been a worse week for people who were recently given six months to live.

It's been a bad week for video games which won't be part of the next Olympics.
It's been a good week for video gamers who now won't have to leave the house.

It's been a good week for the Catholic priest who was allowed back in the church after taking part in orgies.
It's been a better week for the collection plate as lots of people seem to have donated their cars.

Deadlock: When the outcome of Brexit negotiations is decided by Simon Cowell.

R. Kelly: A northern girl called Kelly.

Severe Gail: A particularly dramatic episode of Coronation Street.

View original

I like them all to be honest. What did you think would not get on for editorial reasons?

Quote: TommyB @ 14th March 2019, 10:55 PM

Only two I actually liked from me this week, 1 BN and one GW/BW

- A woman was injured in Arizona this week after climbing over a zoo barrier to take a selfie with a jaguar; zoo officials warn that '64 Zoo Lane is a kids' show, not a role model'.

- It's been a bad week for Tim Cook, who was mistakenly called Tim Apple by Donald Trump at a conference.
It's been a worse week for Jeff Amazon, Bill Microsoft and Mark Facebook, who didn't get invited to the after-party.

I also did a sketch about dinosaurs, where I did a Jurassic Park riff, but the dinosaurs were politicians but it was a bit naff.

View original

Mark Facebook!!

Quote: Jee Knee @ 15th March 2019, 1:03 AM

For anyone who noticed one especially shitty entry in Newsjackipedia this week, well...it was mine. And I'm sorry. I wish it didn't have to be like this. And, if nothing else, it represents some of the most surprisingly hardcore editing since they went back and digitally removed all the f-bombs from Vera Lynn's back catalogue. The original was naff. A hastily written, lazy (if whimsical) space-filler. The broadcast version was...I mean, it's not even really a joke any more. Is it churlish to complain? Probably. But I am genuinely curious as to what more experienced folks make of this.

The original: 'Corbyning' - To do nothing at all whilst looking like you're doing even less than that.
The broadcast version: 'Corbyning' - To do absolutely nothing.

I feel slightly vindicated in having mixed emotions about this by the fact that it bombed harder than the aforementioned Forces' Sweetheart.

Anyway, here are the rest of this week's efforts. I quite liked my other two Newsjackipedias...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Hundreds of nursery school headteachers have marched to Downing Street to protest funding cuts. They were meant to arrive on Monday but were delayed until Wednesday because of nap time.
2. NASA has announced that it will establish a 'permanent human presence' on the Moon by 2028. Over 15 million people have signed a petition asking for that human presence to be Ed Sheeran.
3. Prince Edward has become the Earl of Forfar. Already the Earl of Wessex and an O.B.E., he will now be known as Earl Earlobe.
...

NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. 'Idris Elbow' - The one part of your body that's sexy enough to be in a Bond film.
2. 'Dystopiary' - A sinister post-apocalyptic society with tremendous landscape gardening.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Doctor Who fans in Chippenham, who fell eight short of the world record for the most Daleks in the same place. It's been a good week for the eight missing Daleks, who announced that they had formed a new Independent Dalek Group and then went for tea at Nando's.
2. It's been a bad week for Thameslink Railway, which has spent 240 million pounds on trains that can't be used because the drivers can't see the signals or the track. It's been a good week for Southern Rail, which at last has something to aspire to.
3. It's been a good week for Kim Jong-un, whose party was re-elected unopposed to the North Korean parliament. It's been a very, very bad week for the one man at the Pyongyang branch of Ladbrokes who bet against this result 'for a laugh'.

View original

That's really interesting, Jee Knee, I mean you have some extremely strong jokes in the rest of your submissions.
Maybe 2 earlobes for Prince Edward, but I can see what you mean!

But you did make the show, that's a feather in your cap. AND we know you're funny. Bloody well done.

Quote: Auditchris @ 15th March 2019, 6:13 AM

This week's oneliners. I knew a couple probably didn't stand a chance for editorial reasons if nothing else. Still foolishly putting a couple in for me, not the show!

A demo of David Bowie's song Starman has been put up for auction. It was expected to sell for £10,000 but the market is subject to significant sings ch-ch-ch-changes.

Hail stones the size of mint imperials have hit the Peak District. Local residents described the extreme weather as a breath of fresh air. Made the show

A village in the Midlands has been overrun by Amazon distribution lorries going the wrong way. When villagers complained they were sent to Coventry.

It's been a bad week for UK life expectancy which has fallen by six months.
It's been a worse week for people who were recently given six months to live.

It's been a bad week for video games which won't be part of the next Olympics.
It's been a good week for video gamers who now won't have to leave the house.

It's been a good week for the Catholic priest who was allowed back in the church after taking part in orgies.
It's been a better week for the collection plate as lots of people seem to have donated their cars.

Deadlock: When the outcome of Brexit negotiations is decided by Simon Cowell.

R. Kelly: A northern girl called Kelly.

Severe Gail: A particularly dramatic episode of Coronation Street.

View original

Love Amazon, Coventry and R Kelly! And well done for making the show.