Evening all. Very late to the party on this one, so here's an extremely long post for the Series 20 joke compost bin.
WEEK 2 - BREAKING NEWS
1. The BBC is apparently fighting to stop Sir David Attenborough being poached by a rival broadcaster, which is a bit late given that he seems to have already lost both of his tusks.
2. A report has claimed that Britain's renewable energy capacity could quadruple in the next decade. This is largely the result of a proposal to reclassify Piers Morgan as a wind farm.
3. On Monday the Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson claimed that leaving the EU could 'enhance Britain's lethality', presumably in the same way that a horse eating six boxes of All-Bran and a crate of prunes could 'enhance the lethality' of its stable.
WEEK 2 - NEWSJACKPEDIA
1. 'Norway Plus' - Ummm...they're really good at skiing?
2. 'Grayling's Ferry' - A famous philosophical paradox in which a company is both a ferry company and not a ferry company at the same time until somebody actually looks at it and then it obviously isn't.
3. 'Jacob Rees-Mogg' - winner of the BAFTA for Best British Re-animation.
WEEK 3- BREAKING NEWS
1. NASA's Opportunity rover has sent its final message from the surface of Mars. NASA realised that it was time to shut down the exploration vehicle when they received a transmission reading 'Oi, ref, even I can tell that that was offside, and I'm 34 million miles away.'
2. Tyson Fury has signed a fight deal with the ESPN network worth a reported 80 million pounds. When asked for a comment, Fury said 'This should be easy. How hard can it be to knock over a TV camera?'
3. Michael Gove has said that food waste bins should be collected every week, once again underlining his commitment to talking rubbish. [EDITOR'S NOTE: waka waka]
WEEK 3 - NEWSJACKPEDIA
1. 'Huawei' - What posh people say when recovering from amnesia.
2. 'Induced Labour' - When small things are forced out of a larger thing, resulting in much screaming and crying from all concerned.
3. 'Netflix and Chill' - How to catch and store fish. [EDITOR'S NOTE: not topical] [CONTRIBUTOR'S NOTE: your Mum's not topical]
WEEK 3 - GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK
1. It's been a bad week for residents of Birmingham, who are enduring another round of strikes by bin men. It's been a good week for residents of Mordor, who can now feel pleased about having rejected Birmingham's recent twinning proposal.
2. It's been a bad week for the gravy industry as a study has shown that many Brits now prefer ketchup with their roast dinners. It's been a good week for ketchup manufacturers, who are set to make a lot of money in exchange for no real effort and who wish there was some sort of popular railway-based idiom that could express this.
3. It's been a bad week for Liam Gallagher, who has claimed that his brother Noel will sue him if he sings any Oasis songs in a forthcoming documentary. It's been a good week for Liam Gallagher, who has been told that if he doesn't sing in a forthcoming documentary then he will be odds on for the next Nobel Peace Prize.
WEEK 4 - BREAKING NEWS
1. Green Book won the Oscar for Best Picture, but the film has attracted criticism for its sanitised depiction of race relations in 1960s America. One Hollywood insider said 'If I wanted to watch a white man who forgets his racist views suspiciously quickly I'd just watch Mel Gibson.'
2. In the League Cup final last Sunday, Chelsea's goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga refused to be substituted and insisted on staying on the pitch for a penalty shootout which he then lost. He is now the three to one favourite to become the next Brexit Secretary.
3. A dead humpback whale has been discovered in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. Investigators cannot fathom how it ended up in this whale-derness. It can't have been on porpoise. Haha! I'll be here all week. Unlike the Amazon rainforest. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Couldn't be less Newsjack-y in style. See me.] [CONTRIBUTOR'S NOTE: I am well aware of that, and you're a fictional editor, not a fictional teacher, so sod off.]
WEEK 4 - NEWSJACKPEDIA
1. 'Virtue signalling' - I would explain this but I really feel like other voices deserve to be heard instead. Wakanda forever, am I right?
2. 'Conversion therapy' - a Six Nations post-match interview.
3. 'Article 50' - after the obituaries but before the sports pages.
WEEK 4 - GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK
1. It's been a good week for the village of Trawsgoed in west Wales which on Monday recorded the hottest UK temperature in February since records began. It's been a bad week for the village of Trawsgoed in west Wales which will now become absolutely overrun by a tourist.
2. It's been a bad week for manufacturers of pagers as the NHS has been told to modernise and ditch the outdated technology. It's been a good week for manufacturers of plastic cups and really long bits of string.
3. It's been a bad week for a woman who returned from a holiday in Australia with a python hiding in a shoe in her suitcase. It's been a worse week for the python, which discovered that it had been hiding inside its own brother.
