SCENE:
Santa is sat on the sofa in his shirt and braces. The left leg of his trousers is rolled up to the knee which is clearly giving him pain. His red coat is over a tiny body we can't see and a man in a dressing gown and slippers has his hand under the coat. Santa for some reason has a brummie accent.
MAN:
What the f**k happened?
SANTA:
Is he?
MAN:
Stone cold
SANTA:
Oh my god
MAN:
How did you even get in here?
SANTA:
Chimney
MAN:
You really do that?
SANTA:
Yeah when I can
MAN:
So why did you even have an Elf with you? I thought you came down alone, and Rudolph stayed on the roof?
SANTA:
New builds, they don't have chimneys, So I've been using elves to get in through vents and cat flaps
MAN:
So, what happened?
SANTA:
We'd been drinking
MAN:
How many have you had?
SANTA:
I don't know 3- 400
MAN:
3-400 I'm surprised you're still alive!
SANTA:
I normally have twice that, but he was getting in first and drinking the stuff that was left out for me
MAN:
How many had he had?
SANTA:
Easily 500
MAN:
So, what happened?
SANTA:
He'd been at me all night with the snipes, you know it's not my fault you can't get your fat arse through cat flaps all that guff
MAN:
Surely that's just a bit of banter?
SANTA:
No Elves are nasty bastards at the best of times but with scotch down them they're a f**king nightmare
MAN:
So, then what happened?
SANTA:
When we got here, I was down first so I had the scotch that you left me, and it was lovely
MAN:
Thanks, it's a very special single malt, I got it for myself as a present
SANTA:
Yeah well, I had that and when I turned around, he was at your bottle. So, I tried to take it off him and he hit me, look at that!
Santa shows the man his knee.
MAN:
It's like a perfectly round little dint
SANTA:
That's an Elf mallet mark that is, lethal they are
MAN:
Is that blood?
SANTA:
No fire engine red paint, it will have been on the mallet. Elves go mad to paint everything f**king fire engine red! It drives me crackers
MAN:
So, then what happened?
SANTA:
I just lost it and put my welly across his throat and snapped his neck
MAN:
Oh my god
SANTA:
I know, you'd better call the cops
MAN:
But what will happen to Christmas?
SANTA:
I've got more on my plate than f**king Christmas to worry about mate, I'm looking at jail here I am!
MAN:
I can keep a secret and if you can? and if we put him in pillowcase with a few spanners to weigh him down you can throw him in the river from your sleigh, so he won't be telling anyone either.
SANTA:
You'd do that for me?
MAN:
I'd do it for Christmas
SANTA:
But your home I've wrecked it during the fight
MAN:
I can straighten this up don't you worry
SANTA:
I can't believe you're doing this for me, you're risking your own freedom
MAN:
With the greatest respect he's an Elf, is it that bad? It has to be similar to killing a dog or a cat? Not nice but it's a fine at best
SANTA:
That's what I thought after I killed the last two. Not a bit of it the judge warned me if I do anymore of them in, I'm looking at a custodial
MAN:
Oh my god I didn't know you'd done it before
SANTA:
I'm getting help honest I've got my name down for anger management and everything. You've never worked with them day in and day out!
MAN:
I'm sorry Santa I draw the line at helping serial killers
SANTA:
What if I sweetened the pot?
MAN:
In what way?
SANTA:
A brand new ipod? A laptop? An X box and ten games? Oh, and a case of that scotch you like?
MAN:
And you promise you'll go to anger management
SANTA:
Nailed on promise
MAN:
Go on then your secrets safe with me Santa
The End
