Hi guys,
My friend and I created this https://vimeo.com/282734632/0cebcc3893
Would love to see what people thought!
Not sure if it could sustain anything longer than this. We'd originally written a single location sitcom about 3 work colleagues who go to the same bench for their lunch break but we thought we'd start with this short to see if there was anything there.
thanks!
I would feel more comfortable if this was in critique as you want feedback on something you have already done and that leaves more room for offence than advice. That said I know how important feedback is so here's my tuppence .
It has legs ,it's a decent setting for monologues and for me is a great launch pad for flash backs . Its looks professional and its well acted and the characters look funky.
But for me its crude were it doesn't need to be and the 'Oh yeah' observational dialogue for me has had its day, I often sense people now use it in order to offer their credentials.
I just think you have so much going for you in relation to setting actors and equipment that this could be even better/ sharper. I'm not slating it at all I just KNOW you can make this better and catch someones eye when you have as it is a decent caper and I'd watch it .
If it was me I would just start the script off in a mid sentence and have a funny reply that leaves you wondering what the question was? After that let the conversation flow as it would on a bench on a summers day. I like it but I could love it if that helps at all?
Not bad but try more show - not tell.
We knew her phone battery had gone but she still said it.
Better if she made something up as to why she didn't get the photo.
The viewer likes feeling more knowledgeable than the characters
Hi Steve,
You know I've liked other stuff in the past you've done, others - check this out https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/27830/
I think this is a great premise, but I agree with Teddy that is was crude where it didn't need to be. I didn't get the feeling that these people liked each other so why would they want to have lunch together? That said it was very well made and acted.
It must have cost a bit to get Richard Ayoade to dub the voice of the bloke on the right.
Thanks guys! That's really useful feedback. I think we had a bit of a nightmare to be honest ha! We had written a 30 minute episode (happy to send you that script if anyone wanted to take a look) that wasn't too bad - we had got some where with it in terms of production companies etc. However, some of the feedback we were getting was around making a taster to see how this thing would play on screen given it's such a static location.
So we filmed what we filmed above but we'd rushed the filming script (it wasn't part of the 30 minute stuff we'd written) and then we cobbled together the filming as we only had 2 hours to film. Really, we need to write a much better and more thought out short script and then give ourselves enough time to film it.
So I think these comments are probably reconfirming what we feared and that is that it's all a bit rushed.
Thanks so much for watching, and for taking the time out to feedback to us.
P.s. actors were great and would highly recommend them if anyone wanted to use them for anything they did in the future.
Good luck with it Steve. Keep us informed.
Quote: Will Cam @ 11th October 2018, 11:42 AMGood luck with it Steve. Keep us informed.
Thanks Will! Appreciate the good wishes. If you're ever interested I could message you the script but appreciate you're busy.
I really liked this! First of all I thought "Oh no, it's only four minutes long and it's got its own intro music and intro titles (which come up twice) - bigging itself up - which means it's probably got nothing to say" - and then the Dame Judy Bench bit was distinctly weak - but once the characters start interacting with each other, it's really got something. I liked it when the guy with the beard launched into a rant about the younger generation being obsessed with online popularity; even more when the guy with the cardboard cutout of Jeff Goldblum kept trying to sneak into the back of the selfie; and the 'miracle phone' with the battery that lasts forever ran out just at the crucial moment (although I agree that this didn't need to be stated twice). Nice work!
Hey guys,
Just wanted to say a big thank you for all the useful feedback. My writing partner made various changes, some of which as a direct result of these comments, and we've somehow ended up winning the BAFTA Rocliffe Comedy award for the script! Not entirely sure how but we're chuffed, so a big thank you for taking the time to watch it and feedback with comments.
P.s. the script is quite a lot different to this video now!
Quote: Steve Whyley @ 25th June 2019, 3:03 PMwe've somehow ended up winning the BAFTA Rocliffe Comedy award for the script!
Onwards and upwards, Steve!
Well done Steve, what a wonderful achievement.
Thanks both 