It's Autumn 2018 and Newsjack is back! Here's a thread for your carefully crafted sketches and one-liners, so at least someone gets to see them, even thought they didn't make the broadcast. If you could praise/comment/criticise other people's work that would be awesome, everyone loves to get some feedback on their work. Let's do this!
Excellent Idea!
J x
Don't forget, if you're on Twitter you can share your one line wonders over there under the hashtag #newsjackrejects
Is there any preferred method of posting my magnificent material that will be unfairly rejected, once I get no email this evening? Six oneliners and two sketches in a single post seems lengthy so do we break them up a bit or just chuck them all in together?
I'm new to contributing to Newsjack. What time are emails normally sent out? Just so I know when to stop obsessively refreshing my inbox and to begin weeping.
Some of mine to start the ball rolling...
1. Amazon and Apple are both worth over one trillion dollars. So if they club together they might just be able to afford a Chelsea season ticket.
2. Elon Musk smoked a joint during a radio interview. It was a very stupid thing to do. He should know that no-one listens to the radio any more.
3. September is called "spider season" as this is when they all come out and run around your house. Don't be scared though - they're just trying to find all of those baby spiders that live in your hair.
NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Serena - A tennis player who is anything but serene
2. Junk mail - The Daily Mail
3. North Korea - Working for twenty years up in Sunderland
My rejects:
A driver has written a poem to escape a parking fine. She promises to avoid paradelle parking on bref double yellow lines.
Mona Lisa's smile was caused by an under-active thyroid, experts reveal after googling her symptoms.
Jerk Twizzler - The wrestling move Jamie Oliver used to apprehend a burglar after shouting 'Jamaican me angry!'
La Publico Toiletto - The first Starbucks to open in Italy.
Scallop Wars - Worldwide pop culture phenomenon, beloved by molluscs.
@ Mike X - I like your number 2 best.
@Thosisd - I like the Starbucks one.
Here are my spurned gags:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A school in China organised a pole dancing performance to welcome parents and children back to school. A slew of mothers got up and left in disgust. While several fathers claimed to be equally disgusted, they said they'd better sit down for a minute.
2. Elon Musk smoked a joint on a live web show. Now we finally understand why he thought sending a car into space playing David Bowie on repeat was a good idea.
3. Outrage was caused when a 15th Century figurine of Mary and baby Jesus was touched up by an amateur. Not the first time outrage has been caused by a Catholic touching up a minor.
NEWSJACKPEDIA:
1. Alex Jonesed: when a powerful worldwide cabal of evil paedophiles hell-bent on world domination have the one man who dares to speak the truth banned from- Sorry, forget that, we're obviously having some trouble with vandalism on Newsjackpedia. Nice try, Alex.
2. Brexitstential crisis: when you question the value and very meaning of an awful decision you made in the past.
3. Borrified: The feeling you get when you've just imagined Boris Johnson's sex life.
FIRKIN - Well, IMHO that "Uberban" one is pretty bad taste and there's no way it would get on Newsjack. In fact with the show's production team being all leftie/PC/SJW-types they may well have blacklisted you as a result.
Rape, incest, paedophilia....
While I'm always the first to laugh at jokes involving these topics, you're unlikely to get these on Newsjack.
Quote: Mike X @ 14th September 2018, 10:27 AM"Uberban" one is pretty bad taste and there's no way it would get on Newsjack.
I total agree with you. But isn't is sad that Uber has shown scant disregard to the issues of rape, and now adds extra protection to their drivers with passenger ratings ? All that's fine, but to poke fun at Uber, and hence support better prevention of rape, isn't fine. If we didn't talk about it, pretty certain Uber wouldn't change. But you are right, its not suitable for NJ.
OK...here goes. These are my jokes that didn't make it (although there was a joke about middle-aged drinking that was clearly better than mine). I'd be interested to hear your feedback.
As an anonymous op-ed against Donald Trump appears in the New York Times, Jeremy Corbyn wonders who wrote the note on the fridge at Labour Party HQ accusing him of finishing all the soya milk.
Man who loses most of his penis to a flesh-eating superbug quits gambling.
Middle-aged drinkers agree to more alcohol-free days, but promise to spend the nights getting totally wasted.
And one for the much-loved Newsjackpedia section...
Clamities - injuries sustained by fisherman in the ongoing Scallop war.
My rejected one liners:
North Korea has held a military parade without displaying any rockets. However, there were still sparklers and toffee apples.
An MP has called for prisoners to be allowed their own mobile phones. He said it's only that fair inmates have a chance for some escapism.
Burberry is to end its practice of burning unsold clothes. Management have reassured customers they remain committed to smoking hot fashion.
Sweat shop: What happens when a British heatwave benefits the retail sector.
The Public Sector: What the Private Sector calls the four day working week.
Professional: A dancer able to fake extreme joy when they find out who their celebrity partner is.
Some strong onsies in here. Keep them up.