nds nsdfgn 15 - 23.6.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to OTTERFOX for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 -10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Crindy, Playfull, Gappy, me

Your next topic is WORK..
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 23.6.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 4 -20 - Otterfox
2 - 10 - Crindy
3 - 5 - LazySusan, Playfull, Gappy, me

BENNY CAME

(tune: Beatles' Penny Lane, Anthology)

Benny came,
Bares his tadge, creaming over photographs
Of each dick head he's had the pleasure to blow.
And all the penises come in ho's,
Bop and spray their toes.

Poontang's horny, need a crank, ah jism can't be hard.
The little children laugh at Jim because he's black.
And the wanker always wears a cap
When he pours and stains.
Then he came.

Benny came jizz in my ears and in my ass.
Blare and squeeze the gooey, purple eye.
My shit makes his beam black.

Benny came, skeets on a tran shaped like an hourglass.
No quim, its cock spurts juice and more, licks off a queen.
He likes to make his firing domepiece gleam.
It's a seed machine.

Benny came jizz in my ears and in my ass.
Bone till fish flows, fingers dry,
Spunk-sodden teeth and back.

A slimed, jacked delta needs a piddle, gets her flounder out.
A pissing burst with yellow slosh is all she craves.
And Johnny smears his quiff with Jim's bukake.
It's because he's gay.

Benny came, church father shaves another cunny bare.
The silly wanker's anti-gay but kids? OK.
While a higher man sloshes in till a choad's in pain.
Panties strained.

Benny came...

PAM: And that brings us onto the next agenda item, progress on our big event. Gareth, I think you've been doing some work on this.

GARETH: That's right, thank you. Yeah, we've done quite a lot of work, and things are moving, albeit slowly. Although the venue was inventive we've hit upon a few snags. First up, as it's a busy place of work, we'll have to meet out of office hours, which is not too serious, but will take some liaison with their security services. Moreover, as the site is classed as an industrial premises, we will need to source personal protective equipment, and provide training for all our staff. Also, it's liable to be quite cold, the large devices in situ generally warm the building, but of course, they'll not be operational in the evening.

We'll need to do some work vis a vis insurance, both the venue owner's relating to public liability, entertainment being a new venture for them, and our own, in connection with our obligations to our own staff, all of whom will, naturally, be forced to sign indemnity waivers against accident; as we're proposing to serve intoxicating liquor, of course, this will push up the premium, I have our lawyers looking into it.

Speaking of which, ironically although the venue manufactures refreshments, they don't store them in quantities sufficiently small for parties like ours, so we'll have to take a hit and purchase substantially more than we require.

And finally, they don't have any chairs. So we'd have to bring our own chairs. Or go without chairs.

PAM: Right. Thank you, Gareth. I don't know about you, but I'm beginning to feel that it's actually quite a lot of work organising a piss up in a brewery.

GARETH: Yeah, I concur, I do have a plan B; the pub. It ticks all the boxes: warm, chairs, insured, sells Quavers.

PAM: OK! Motion carried, the council outing this year will be at the pub. Any suggestions?

GARETH: Well, my team is very fond of The Elbow, on Bridge Street, but many of our colleagues favour The Arse, round the corner.

PAM: And which do you prefer?

GARETH: Oh, they're both the same to me.

INT. OFFICE. DAY.
CLOSEUP OF 'MARK CARMODY, MANAGER' DESKPLATE. PAN OUT TO SHOW MARK TYPING ON HIS COMPUTER.
CUT TO JAMES MCGRATH NAME TAG. PAN OUT TO REVEAL JAMES SITTING AT HIS DESK. AN EMAIL ALERT PINGS.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
Hi James,
Tom's email is down at the moment could you let him know that the meeting is moved to 2:30.
Thanks & Regards,
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Hey Mark,
I'll be sure to let him know.
Best Regards,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
Thanks,
Could you also tell him that it's in meeting room 5 now, not meeting room 3.
Thanks again,
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Happy to help.
Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with.
Regards,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
That's all for now.
Chat soon.
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Sure thing.
Regards,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
Perfect Stuff.
No need to reply.
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Ok.
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
I'm the manager so to convey my authority I get to send the last email.
Please don't reply.
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Understood.
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
Stop sending mails.
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Of course.
Best Regards,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
Let this be the end of it!
Goodbye,
Mark.

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
This one?
Thanks,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
You should have stopped about five emails ago!!
Send another and I'll see you in my office!

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Which office?
Thanks,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
STOP! SENDING! EMAILS!!!!!

FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
Just to you or everybody?
Thanks again,
Best Regards,
James.

FROM MARK CARMODY:
Send me another email to me and you're fired!!

LONG DELAY......
FROM JAMES MCGRATH:
You don't need to tell me twice.
Thanks for the heads up.
Best Regards,
James.
MUFFLED REPEATED SCREAMS EMERGE FROM MARKS OFFICE.

EXT. STRAWBERRY FIELD - DAY

A group of BUSINESSPEOPLE in smart suits walk uncomfortably through rows of strawberry plants, filling punnets with tasty fruit. Their manager, ROGERS, looks on proudly. A flustered EXEC approaches.

EXEC
Rogers! Here you are! What the hell are you doing?

ROGERS
What does it look like?

EXEC
It looks like you've decided to take your entire team out of the office for an afternoon of strawberry picking three days before we need to hit this year's sales target!

ROGERS
Yes, and they're doing very well, sir. Sandra's already filled five punnets. And I've learned what a punnet is!

EXEC
But...what possessed you to do all this?!

ROGERS
Well, I can't take all the credit, sir. It was your idea.

EXEC
It absolutely was not my idea!

ROGERS
Of course it was. Last week's sales meeting, remember? You told me that we needed to focus on low-hanging fruit.

EXEC
Right, but--

ROGERS
And it doesn't get much lower-hanging than strawberries. Unless you're one of those 'cucumbers are a fruit' people.

EXEC
Rogers, this isn't really what I had in mind.

ROGERS
It certainly sounded like you did, sir. And anyway, this isn't all I've done. Look!

Rogers points to a pole in the nearby car park. A bundle of A4 PAPER flutters awkwardly in the breeze at the top.

EXEC
And what am I looking at here?

ROGERS
It's the new sales plan.

EXEC
Ok. And you've hoisted our new sales plan up there because...?

ROGERS
Well, it's like you suggested in the meeting, sir. That I should run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it.

EXEC
Ok, but--

ROGERS
I mean, so far nobody's actually saluted it, but I'm hoping we might get a bit of interest when everyone goes back to their cars at the end of the day.

EXEC
After their day of strawberry picking?

ROGERS
After that, yes. And before we all head off to the local five-a-side pitch.

EXEC
More team-building?

ROGERS
More of your sales tips, sir. We're going to spend a few hours this evening working on moving the--

EXEC
Goalposts. Right. I see. Look, Rogers, all of those, they were just business jargon, you know? An expression. An idiom--

ROGERS
Well, there's no need to be rude!

EXEC
I just feel like we need to talk about this. Come and see me in my office tomorrow morning, and we'll look at the big picture.

ROGERS
Ah, you've redecorated?

EXEC
No, I mean--Just come and see me, ok?

ROGERS
Actually, I might need your help tomorrow morning, sir. Disciplinary hearing with the head of HR.

EXEC
What?!

ROGERS
Yep. Bit of the old workplace harassment.

EXEC
Wh--? When did this happen?

ROGERS
Funny story actually, sir. It all started when you asked me to touch base with the head of finance...

THE END

Actually, this is quite good - a few commas wouldn't go amiss in areas, but I guess comma's can be personal preference sometimes. This work wouldn't go wrong in most sketch shows. It's not the best, but well worth it for others to work on as a group effort - a fill in piece perhaps? Well done! Teacher gives you seven-and-a-half out of ten.

Actually, who am I kidding saying, "teacher". This mollusc gives you top marks

MR VADER: Please take a seat.

AXE: Thanks (SITS)

MR VADER: Thanks for coming Mr?

AXE: Axe.

MR VADER: (CHECKS LIST) Ah yes 'Axe'. Is that your first name or surname?

AXE: No, it's just Axe.

MR VADER: Oh, right.

AXE: It gives me an air of perceived menace.

MR VADER: Right, well we tend to go with numbers.

AXE: Numbers? That's not very menacing?

MR VADER: It is if you have a big enough number. You would be (LOOKS AT NOTES) Number 17756923.

AXE: I suppose that is a pretty big number. Would I still be able to do my trademark double headed axe juggling?

MR VADER: Not really, all the stormtroopers have the same standard issue blasters

AXE: I suppose I could learn to juggle...

MR VADER: No! No juggling.

AXE: What about my evil laugh?

MR VADER: No axes, no juggling no evil laughing. You just have to burst in, fire your blaster, miss and die. Do you think you could manage that?

AXE: Yer I suppose so.

MR VADER: Welcome to the Empire Mr 17756923

As is so often the case, Crindy's is the neatest and most screen-ready, but my tickle bone is gravitating towards Otterfox this week.

And there's an image I'm never going to use again.

Udderlyf**ked again.

gappy this week.

I don't usually vote in these things but I'll vote for Gappy here. A very nice sketch (except Gareth's first line needs a lot of cutting. Pam should interrupt him before he goes on for too long).

Gappy's writing reminds me of John Finnemore's (how's that for a compliment ).

Tight between Gappy & Crindy - but Gappy just takes it.

Tis Crindy for me this week. Really clever interweaving of the usual workspeak jargon. I actually had an abundance of work sketches as I was asked by a company to come up with some. The marketing agent loved them and her boss hated them and that was the end of that. We filmed a sketch about workspeak jargon too that isn't too dissimilar to Crindys. I got paid for filming it so it's theirs now but here's the script:

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

IT'S BRIAN'S FIRST DAY AT A NEW JOB. OFFICE STALWARDS STEVE AND ADAM INTRODUCE THEMSELVES.

ADAM (OTT):
Hello Brad Cassidy, welcome aboard. I'm Adam and this is Steve. They call us Adam and Steve.

BRIAN:
Great. My name is Brian actually and I was just going to sa-

STEVE:
So Brad, myself and Adam thought we'd touch base with you first thing. Ease you in so to speak. We're like the Uber of greetings.

BRIAN:
The what? I thought I was meeting Mr. Richards. He said he'd be-

ADAM:
Maybe you'd like to weigh in with some details. What firm were you with before joining us?

BRIAN:
I worked on my Dad's farm for a bit and I spent a few years as a plasterer. This is actually my first real office job.

STEVE:
Don't worry, we'll give you a bit of wiggle room.

ADAM:
Sure, we'll let you grab the low hanging fruit.

BRIAN:
What? Are we going to an orchard?

STEVE:
I think you'll love it here. We'll do the heavy-lifting and we'll get the right synergy going.

ADAM:
We have a great sports and social scene here too.

STEVE:
Yeah, and don't mention the water-cooler conversations.

BRIAN:
Water-cooler conversations?

STEVE:
I told you not to mention that.

BRIAN:
Sorry, I was just-

ADAM GESTURES.

ADAM:
So, this is you.

BRIAN:
I-I know who I am but I appreciate you pointing it out.....Oh my desk! Thank you.

ADAM:
Don't worry about the B to B's, just concentrate on the B to C's for now, just until you get up to speed on the ABC's.

STEVE:
Exactly. Everyone is C level to begin with so don't worry about the ROI's and you'll be A-OK!

ADAM & STEVE WALK OFF.

BRIAN SITS AT HIS DESK UTTERLY CONFUSED WITH HEAD IN HANDS. A VOICE APPEARS AS IF FROM NOWHERE.

MR. RICHARDS:
I hope they didn't put you off too much Mr. Cassidy.

BRIAN (FLUSTERED):
Mr. Richards! Hi! I-I-I was just um.. getting my, my head in the right position for the day.

MR. RICHARDS:
Don't pay any attention to them. They're here a few years now and have lost the ability to converse with new starts.

BRIAN:
Thank God! I thought I was going mad. Like there was some hidden language I was unaware of.

MR. RICHARDS:
Relax, get to know the place, you'll see we're very nice really. I mean look at their lovely faces, how could you not like them. Susan O'Brien, Amanda Ryan, Alan Keogh and this is Brian Cussidy. Very close to your name there, almost an exact match.

BRIAN:
Ha! Yes very similar.

MR. RICHARDS:
I'll ping you later to see how you're getting on?

BRIAN:
Ping?

MR. RICHARDS:
Haha! I'm not impervious myself. I'll email you later.

BRIAN:
Brilliant Mr. Richards. I really appreciate your help.

SERIES OF HAPPY SHOTS OF BRIAN TAPPING ON HIS COMPUTER. CONVERSING WITH OTHERS. JOVIALLY EATING LUNCH ETC.

BRIAN GETS A PING SOUND. AN EMAIL FROM MR. RICHARDS.

CLOSEUP OF EMAIL.

MAIL:
Hi Brian,

We've really got to hit the ground running with this one. I've put the feelers out, they've been playing hardball but I believe if we can get our ducks in a row and market this vertically as well as horizontally it will give us enough time to get a fair guesstimate.

There are still a few unknown unknown's to iron out but with your marketing ninja skills we'll be able to go under the radar and over the radar and develop the cutting edge synergy that will get this over the line.

Best Regards,

Mr. Richards.

CUT TO EXTERNAL VIEW OF MR. RICHARDS OFFICE. HE RAPIDLY RUNS TO HIS OFFICE DOOR AND SHOUTS.

MR. RICHARDS:
Oh no! That was for Cussidy, not Cassidy! It was sent in error! Where is he? Where is he!?

A FEW OFFICE WORKERS LOOK AROUND IN SEARCH OF BRIAN BUT HE IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. THEIR ATTENTION IS DRAWN TO THE WINDOW WHERE BRIAN CAN BE SEEN SPRINTING OUT OF THE CARPARK.

END.

Quote: Otterfox @ 27th June 2018, 7:21 AM

I got paid

View original

The best three little words in the English language. Well done.