ncvgbaes 4- 11.6.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to OTTERFOX for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 -10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - LazySusan, Crindy

Your next topic is SLEEP (chosen by Patrick).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 11.6.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 4 -10 - Otterfox
2 - 2 - 5 - LazySusan, Crindy

MORNING HAS BROKEN (MY BALLS)

ROOM.

Scruffy BLOKE lies slouched on a chair, sleeping...

He wakes up with a start:

BLOKE Oh God, sorry... (yawns, stretches) Christ I'm knackered... Welcome to Daybreak, TV's new f**king early morning show. Apologies for my appearance but last night I had a teensy winsy tad too much to sup and returning to my abode I shat meself. (squirms) Ain't finished yet either... Now the only bugger who'd, I mean my first guest this morning, is Pete the Postman.

Enter PETE, yawning.

BLOKE Hello Pete.

PETE (yawns)

BLOKE Now what got you first interested in the world of posting letters?

PETE I wanted a job.

BLOKE Right... But you enjoy your work?

PETE No.

BLOKE Okay, (stretches) imagine someone wanted to know it's like being a postman, what would you say to them?

PETE Hello.

BLOKE Now there must be some funny stories you'd love to share with us.

PETE No.

BLOKE Please...

PETE All right, there is one.

BLOKE YES!

PETE You know Americans don't have ground floor, they start at first floor?

BLOKE Uh-huh.

PETE Well this Yankee'd addressed a letter for the third floor, only I didn't know he was Yankee so I went to the wrong floor and didn't deliver it.

BLOKE No!

PETE Yeah and it was a bailiff's order, so they ended up repossessing his house. Now this came just after a pretty messy divorce proceeding, and the news that his younger son was gay and his daughter had run off with a cocaine dealer. So it was all too much, he leapt from the roof.

BLOKE Oh God.

PETE No it's all right, he survived, just a coupla broken legs. Well the funny thing is, his intensive care unit's on the fifth floor. And when the bailiff found out he tried to visit but of course he got the wrong floor.

BLOKE Piss off.

PETE Yes, sorry.

BLOKE (yawns) That's all for today, join us tomorrow when I'll be talking to the milkman about (stretches) what got him first interested in...

They collapse.

CUSTOMER: Pardon me.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, hello again, sir. Is the room to your satisfaction? I trust the bed is sufficiently firm.

CUSTOMER: Yes. I mean, no - the bed's fine, but the room's not satisfactory: there's a snake in it.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, gosh, we'd best take a look at moving that.

CUSTOMER: Thank you.

RECEPTIONIST: It should be in your bathroom.

CUSTOMER: No! Look, it is in the bathroom.

RECEPTIONIST: Ah, popped it back yourself did you, sir? Very resourceful - we'll have you on the staff next! But also, checking the records, I think a snake in your bathroom is a mistake.

CUSTOMER: Right. Good.

RECEPTIONIST: There should definitely be more than 1.

CUSTOMER: There is! There's about a dozen of them!

RECEPTIONIST: About a dozen, sir? Could it be 14? It should be 14.

CUSTOMER: I don't know!

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, are a bit wriggly. Tell you what, sir, if you check and there's definitely not 14 snakes, just pick up the old phone and I'll be up in a jiffy. With more snakes.

CUSTOMER: I don't want any snakes! Look, when you said I was down for 14, does that mean there are rooms in the hotel that don't have snakes?

RECEPTIONIST: Of course. You got the snakes because you booked a room with an ocean view.

CUSTOMER: All your rooms with ocean views have snakes in them?

RECEPTIONIST: That's right.

CUSTOMER: But why?

RECEPTIONIST: Cosmic balance. Sort of yin and yang thing. I sort of forget the principle now, but it's along those lines, do you see?

CUSTOMER: No I did not!

RECEPTIONIST: Do I take it from sir's vexation that sir would like to move to a different room? Perhaps one without an ocean view.

CUSTOMER: Yes, please.
RECEPTIONIST: I think 317 is free. It has a view over the car park.

CUSTOMER: Fine. And, just to double check, will it have any snakes in it?

RECEPTIONIST: Of course.

CUSTOMER: OK, then that will be - what?!

RECEPTIONIST: Yep, plenty of snakes, all round the place.

CUSTOMER: But you said that ocean view rooms have snakes.

RECEPTIONIST: They do. You know that, it's you that started this whole rigmarole in the first place. But, I never said that non-ocean view rooms did not have snakes. God strike me short if I did.

CUSTOMER: Right. Listen to this question and answer it as simply as you can: do you have any rooms in this hotel without any snakes in?

RECEPTIONIST: Errrrrm...yes. Yes, we do. The kitchen.

CUSTOMER: Fine, I'll sleep there.

RECEPTIONIST: You can't do that, sir! Health and safety. Imagine if you lay on a cleaver. Nestled up a paring knife in your sleep, oh no, that would never do.

CUSTOMER: In which case you leave me no choice. I am leaving. Have the night porter collect my bags.

RECEPTIONIST: Will do, sir. But we don;t have a night porter. Instead we have...snakes!

SFX: Sound of trapdoor opening and loads of snakes coming out and hissing about the room and all stuff like that.

In a city that never sleeps, it's hard to run a bed shop.

My wife thinks we'll sleep better with some "white noise" on in our bedroom. I do wish she wouldn't refer to my Status Quo albums like that.

I was offered a job in a hammock factory. I asked if I could sleep on it.

I get so tired working at the rice factory. I'm asleep before my head hits the pilau.

I'm a real night owl: I sick up pellets of mice bones before I can nod off.

One thing to help with the sleeping patterns of a new born baby is the use of a harp:I find you can sleep through most of the crying with a bottle of harp or any other medium strength lager.

A SALESMAN RINGS A DOOR BELL. A LADY ANSWERS.

SALESMAN:
Good afternoon ma'am I'm a door to door salesman.

LADY:
I thought you were obsolete in this day and age.

SALESMAN:
We are but not me. I am the lone survivor of a dying breed, the lone wolf...once I stop we will be extinct. Just call me the Spankasaurus.

LADY:
Why?

SALESMAN:
Because that's my name...well it's not my name. My name is Harry, Harry Spanx.

LADY:
So what can I do for you Harry Spanx. What are you selling?

HARRY:
It's not so much what I'm selling but how I sell it and what I'm selling of course.

LADY:
You're really not off to a good start Harry. My door was fully open when I first answered it now it's ajar at best.

HARRY:
I wouldn't worry too much about that as the old saying goes 'when a door closes a window opens.'

LADY:
I don't think that's a saying.

HARRY:
My point is a good salesman always finds a way. I once spent three months in a chimney.

LADY:
So what happens if I close all the windows?

HARRY:
Well then all the doors fly open. You see it's all got to do with pressure. If you don't leave something open then all the pressure builds up inside the house and you know what can happen then...the roof can blow off. Then all the salesmen can just filter in to their hearts content.

LADY:
I thought you were the only one, 'The lone wolf'.

HARRY:
Exactly, all the lone wolves can just hop in through the top of the house rousing you from your sleep asking you if you want to buy hat stabilisers, dust mufflers or even goose helmets.

SHE PUSHES THE DOOR OUT FURTHER.

LADY:
Just open a crack now. So is that what you're selling Mr. Spanx, dust helmets and such?

HARRY:
Not me. Take a look at this case.

HE OPENS A BRIEFCASE.

HARRY (CNTD):
Look at this compartment here.

LADY:
There's nothing in it.

HARRY:
Exactly, but there is something in it. How would you like some ghost wafers - great if you want to get your hands all sticky when eating ice-cream...and here we have covert glass - perfect alternative to genuine glass.

LADY:
You're pointing at nothing.

HARRY:
In that case would you like a spider paw? A wind slicer - no better tool for when you want to cut the air above the grass...Perhaps a shadow makeover...treat your shadow to a wonderful-

LADY:
And fully closed.

SHE SHUTS THE DOOR AND WALKS BACK INTO HER LIVINGROOM. HARRY IS CASUALLY RECLINING ON THE COUCH.

LADY (SHOCKED):
How did you get in here?!

HARRY:
Your windows, covert glass....Ice cream?

HE OFFERS THE LADY A BLOCK OF ICECREAM WHICH IS HALF MELTED AND RUNNING DOWN HIS ARM.

END.

@Otter fox
Visualizing as a series of sequential panels
I think something intriguing is needed to focus on. Like a cordless hose pipe which is of course impossible

'I was once got stuck in a chimney and had to be fed through a tube...'

@Gappy

Quote: gappy @ 10th June 2018, 4:42 PM

CUSTOMER: Pardon me.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, hello again, sir. Is the room to your satisfaction? I trust the bed is sufficiently firm.

CUSTOMER: Yes. I mean, no - the bed's fine, but the room's not satisfactory: there's a snake in it.

.....

View original

Fixed it for you
Snakes sssseriously suck

Is this a crit thing or not ?
I have no idea if I should be posting comments.

INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY - DAY

A DOCTOR sits behind his desk. A patient, MR JENKINS, enters and sits down.

DOCTOR
So then, what seems to be the problem, Mr Jenkins?

MR JENKINS
Doctor, I think I might be narcoleptic.

DOCTOR
You mean the mental condition leading to persistent and random bouts of sleeping during the daytime?

MR JENKINS
No. The other sort of narcoleptic.
(then)
Sorry, short temper and irritability. One of the symptoms.

DOCTOR
And when do these symptoms tend to present themselves?

MR JENKINS
Well, it tends to get really bad every night around 11pm.

DOCTOR
I see...

MR JENKINS
Yeah, I just get this uncontrollable urge to fall asleep.

DOCTOR
And would I be correct in thinking that you do fall asleep? And you tend to wake from this period of sleep around 7 or 8 in the morning, every morning?

MR JENKINS
That's right. But between 11pm and 7am, I'm just out for the count.

DOCTOR
Yes, well, I'm sorry, Mr Jenkins, but I'm not sure there's anything wrong with you--

MR JENKINS
Well, that's not all. I also think I might have insomnia.

DOCTOR
Insomnia? To go with your narcolepsy?

MR JENKINS
Exactly. Because what I haven't told you is that, between 7am and 11pm, I'm awake the whole time!

DOCTOR
Well, physically awake, anyway. Mr Jenkins, I don't think--

MR JENKINS
I've also been showing signs of kleptomania.

DOCTOR
You've been stealing?

MR JENKINS
Oh yeah. Just on the way over here, I stopped off at the supermarket, and they had this little tasting tray of cheese on the deli counter.

DOCTOR
Right. And you took one of those free samples.

MR JENKINS
Exactly! And walked off without paying!

DOCTOR
For the free sample?

MR JENKINS
Yep. They got nothing from me.

DOCTOR
Anything else?

MR JENKINS
Agoraphobia. I spend a lot of my time trapped in the confines of my flat.

DOCTOR
Except when you leave the flat?

MR JENKINS
Yep.

DOCTOR
A process which you're fine with?

MR JENKINS
Most of the time, yeah. That's probably because being out in the open like that eases my claustrophobia...

DOCTOR
Hmm, yes. I think I see the problem, Mr Jenkins. You're suffering from a classic case of hypochondria. You think there's an awful lot wrong with you, but actually you're fine.

MR JENKINS
Oh. Really?

DOCTOR
Trust me, I'm a doctor.

MR JENKINS
Oh thank god. For a moment I thought you were a symptom of my paranoid psychosis that causes me to hallucinate members of the emergency services.

DOCTOR
You do?

MR JENKINS
Yeah. Just the other day I set my chip pan on fire and boom, I started seeing all these firemen everywhere!

DOCTOR
Well, don't worry. It's all just your hypochondria talking.

MR JENKINS
Brilliant. Thanks doctor. I suppose I'm just imagining this pain in my side as well.

He lifts up his shirt, revealing a huge bleeding wound.

DOCTOR
Exactly. Looks fine to me. Of course, I do suffer from a brain disorder that leaves me unable to process the colour red, but I'm sure that's not an issue here.

Mr Jenkins smiles in satisfaction, and then drops dead.

THE END

MUM: Rock a bye baby on the tree top...

BOY: What?

MUM: When the wind blows the cradle will rock...

BOY: A baby in a cradle, in a tree, in a storm!?

MUM: When the brow breaks...

BOY: Jesus no!

MUM: The cradle will fall...

BOY: Why are you telling me this!?

MUM: down will come cradle baby and all.

BOY: That's horrible!

MUM: Sweet dreams darling.

BOY: Well there is not much chance of that is there!?

MUM: I wonder what you are thinking sweetheart? I suppose I'll just have to wait until you can talk to find out.

BOY: Go on, out witch out! And don't turn the light off...oh she did...

Quote: Flook @ 11th June 2018, 2:02 PM

Is this a crit thing or not ?
I have no idea if I should be posting comments.

View original

Hi Flook, not sure if anyone has already answered you by PM?

This is a regular, oddly named, long running skit competition kindly organised by spice girl obsessive Michael Monkhouse, which ends each time at midnight on the date in the Thread title. Critique is welcome - though i suggest it is best if you wait until the comp closes as people often edit up till this time. Please feel free to enter - Jokes, songs, poems, sketches cartoons everything except f**king mime is welcome. And post or no post please join in the voting (rumour is that the Russians are interfering with the voting - which explains why Putin is top of the leader board despite never entering - I personally suspect comrade Gappy is involved).

Quote: playfull @ 12th June 2018, 12:20 AM

Hi Flook, not sure if anyone has already answered you by PM?

This is a regular, oddly named, long running skit competition kindly organised by spice girl obsessive Michael Monkhouse, which ends each time at midnight on the date in the Thread title.

View original

Ah, right, thanks for that.
I wondered why it was so comprehensibly awful

Voting Otterfox.
Yes, feedback wellcum, but preferably after closing time.

Okedokes

Good week overall. Liked some of Patrick's gags again, enjoyed Michael's sketch concept and gappy and Otterfox were typically strong. But I'm tempted to vote for playfull's short and sweet sketch. Reminded me of the early Lois/Stewie Family Guy dynamic.

Another fun week.

I liked the concept of Michael's, simple but very effective; I loved Patrick's first gag; Playfull's Rock-a-bye Baby sketch is much better than my old one (which I thought of just resurrecting to post, before deciding that was very lazy); but my winner is Crindy, tidy sketch.

Comrade Gappich

Tricky this time. Some interesting stuff, some of it felt like a bit of stretching was taking place (in a good way) and a couple of the sketches would have benefitted from stronger endings. So it's.... Otterfox if only for 'covert glass'.

Quote: gappy @ 12th June 2018, 3:54 PM

Playfull's Rock-a-bye Baby sketch is much better than my old one

Comrade Gappich

View original

Did i rip you off Gappich? I must admit it felt horribly familiar when i wrote it!

And Crindy, yes i heard Stewie when i read it back as well. When does tribute become pastiche become plagiarism?