INT. FIFA BOARDROOM, THE YEAR 2026 - NIGHT
A group of FIFA EXECS sit in luxurious VELVET THRONES at a SOLID GOLD boardroom table. A plethora of gourmet food and drink is laid out in front of them, while nubile SERVANTS wait on their every whim.
CHIEF EXEC
Gentleman, ladies--
(then, glancing around the table)
Oh, well, just gentlemen, I suppose. The 2026 FIFA World Cup was our greatest triumph yet--
EXEC 2
Don't mean to be a pain, but can we please refer to it by the proper title?
CHIEF EXEC
Ah. Yes, of course. As I was saying, Coca Cola™ Presents the 2026 Qatar Airways™ FIFA World Cup in Association with McDonalds™ was our greatest triumph yet. Never before has one single tournament generated so much revenue for the governing body.
EXEC 3
Well, it was a masterstroke of yours to allow a nation with as rich a dubious financial heritage as the Cayman Islands to host it.
CHIEF EXEC
Thank you. And yes, there were some logistical issues in trying to fit the requisite facilities for 48 international football teams onto an island with half the population of Colchester, but I feel we've really made a lasting impression here.
EXEC 2
Absolutely. Now that 90 percent of their contiguous landmass is comprised of enormous, glass-clad football stadiums, I'm sure that the legacy of this tournament is secure.
EXEC 1
Oh yes. Every time a child is blinded by the reflection off one of the stadiums, they'll remember when we were here.
EXEC 2
I mean, the attendance was a tad disappointing. But it's not exactly our fault that the average Gabonese football fan can't find the time to set aside twelve thousand dollars for the flights, hotel costs, matchday ticket and supplementary pass into the Budweiser™ Fan Zone Powered By Gazprom™.
EXEC 1
Plus, once we found out we could just CGI a crowd into any stadium we wanted for the TV pictures, it didn't really matter.
CHIEF EXEC
Exactly. But I reckon that in four years time, we can make Coca Cola™ Presents the 2030 Qatar Airways™ FIFA World Cup in Association with McDonalds™ even more of a glowing success.
EXEC 2
Even more of a celebration of the world's favourite sport?
CHIEF EXEC
Well, no. But with a few new rules, we can double the revenue we receive from sponsors, despotic regimes and cash-rich oligarchs the world over!
EXEC 1
I'm in!
CHIEF EXEC
Now, the good news is that the host nation is already sorted.
EXEC 2
It was very nice of Kim Jong Un to step in like that with exactly the sort of bid we wanted.
EXEC 1
Yep. We've counted it, and it's all there.
EXEC 2
And he's promised not to let such trifling matters as widespread malnutrition and a worryingly high mortality rate among poorly remunerated construction workers to stand in the way of getting twenty four brand new stadiums built in the next four years.
EXEC 1
In fact, if anything, he's said all that'll help.
CHIEF EXEC
Excellent. Now we just need to push through our plans to expand the tournament to 72 teams.
EXEC 1
Perfect! More matches, more revenue streams, and a tournament that would last the best part of three months! What's not to love?
EXEC 2
And there's no chance that might dilute the quality of the product?
CHIEF EXEC
Absolutely not. The crowds will flock in to watch a crunch game between Panama and Uzbekistan at Pyongyang Stadium to see which team automatically qualifies from third place in their second group stage table, and which team ends up in a two-legged inter-group playoff for the right to a spot in the next group stage.
EXEC 1
And if they don't, we'll just CGI them in.
EXEC 2
Well, when you put it like that, I'm sold!
EXEC 1
And with this newly-expanded format, we might even get to see Scotland qualify!
CHIEF EXEC
Well, hang on. We're not miracle workers.
THE END
