I don't want to swim Daddy

Hello! This is an animated sketch I'm making as part of my degree, which I'd obviously like to be as good as possible. I think it works so far, but will be grateful for any comments/improvements/thoughts or suggestions other people have on it.

Int. Swimming Pool
There is a shark (Brian) lying on the side of the pool. He is wearing speedos, and has a large armband around his.

BRIAN
Daddy, Daddy! I don't want to swim daddy.

DADDY
Come on Brian. You’re a shark. All sharks can swim.

BRIAN
Loan sharks can't swim daddy. What if I'm a loan shark? I might drown! You don't want me to drown do you daddy?

DADDY
Your won't drown Brian.

BRIAN
Well what if an octopus drags me under and ties me to the floor? Or the jelly fish jump on me and push me underwater daddy, daddy!?!

DADDY
You're a shark brian. Jellyfish won't even come near you.

BRIAN
But I like the jelly fish daddy. I don't want to be a shark. I don't want to swim daddy. I want to be an actor. Like the shark in that Speilburg move."Bri-an phone home"

DADDY
That wasn't a Shark Brian. And you are, now get in the water.

BRIAN
But I might drown Daddy!

DADDY
You won't drown! You've got more chance drowning in the air then you have underwater.

BRIAN
Ahhh! Air drowning!!!

He jumps into the pool with a splash.

End

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I'm not to sure about the end on this, but I think it should work in the final piece, any thoughts?

I am in love with little Brian. What a character.
Good sketch my friend. I am sure it will make a cracking amination.
Loved the Loan Shark lines.

I liked this more than the airport sketch, still on the weak side I'm afraid.

Ok, I have a suggestion for your sketch, you're doing a degree and this will make all your school chums laugh at the... box social or whatever the devil you kids get up to nowadays.

I have changed some of the grammar and tried cleaning it up too.

Int. Swimming Pool. Day
There is a shark (Brian) lying on the side of the pool. He is wearing Speedos, and has a large armband around his fin.

BRIAN
Daddy, Daddy! I don't want to swim.

DADDY
Come on Brian. You’re a shark. All sharks can swim, it's not like you're going to drown.

BRIAN
Well what if an octopus drags me under and ties me to the floor? Or the jellyfish jump on me and push me underwater daddy, daddy!

DADDY
You're a shark Brian. Jellyfish won't even come near you, racist gits.

BRIAN
But I like the jellyfish daddy. I don't want to be a shark. I don't want to swim daddy. I want to be an actor. Like the shark in that Spielberg movie. "Bri-an phone home"

DADDY
That wasn't a Shark Brian, but unfortunately your mother tells me you are, now get in the water.

BRIAN
But I might drown Daddy!

DADDY
You won't drown! You've got more chance drowning in the air, I mean look at it, we're two sharks, we should be dead, this sketch is completely inaccurate!

BRIAN
Ahhh! Air drowning!

He jumps into the pool with a splash.

DADDY
I need a drink.

END.

Ok, it's not top quality stuff, but I'm bored so I thought I would have a bash at "improving" it.

Let me know what you think.

The redraft isn't funny but at least it's an attempt at humour.
The original seemed bereft of jokes. The repeated "daddy" whining pissed me off too!! I suppose it was "gentle" humour or somesuch but not my thing at all I'm afraid.

Yeah, the "daddy" became annoying. I think your punchline is good as a joke and it is nice gentle humour, but I don't think it should be driven to that point. Still use it as the final joke, but I don't think it should build to it.

"Daddy, I'm scared of the water..."

(Include a loads of water based jokes) I'll write some if you really need help.

"Ahhh! Air drowning!"

Don't build up to that last joke though, does that make sense? I'm not sure if you NEED to tell a story or you just want a funny piece? If it's the latter, listen to my advice. If it's not then you need to think of a better punchline.

Hope that helps and isn't too confusing, lol.

I quite liked Hennel's version, myself. The whiney kid kind of makes it for me..you're tempted to drag the little...imp under. Not that I'm condoning drowning children in real life, well, not unless they were some horrors you'd had to adopt or foster or something....not your own obviously.

It's a kiddy shark though, so you'd have to hold him out of the water...

*Pulling him out of the water*

"Take that you little bastard!"

Shows how much bloody attention I was paying! I like it even more now!

I haven't read all the posts yet but if it's part of an animation degree then the images themselves are important and I don't know if it needs to be funny funny to fulfil the brief.

However (I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it) there are Viz characters called the Pathetic Sharks so maybe it isn't such a good choice.

It's technically part of a media production degree, but yeah, the images/animation will count for more then the perceived humour, although making the examiners laugh would be rather useful...

Like the addition of insulting the jellyfish Paul W, and the 'fatherly' questioning of the shark-ness is a great idea. Not sure I want to go quite so self-referential at the end though, but giving the dad the last line is something I'll think on....

Quote: Hennell @ March 8, 2008, 7:10 PM

It's technically part of a media production degree, but yeah, the images/animation will count for more then the perceived humour, although making the examiners laugh would be rather useful...

Like the addition of insulting the jellyfish Paul W, and the 'fatherly' questioning of the shark-ness is a great idea. Not sure I want to go quite so self-referential at the end though, but giving the dad the last line is something I'll think on....

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The redraft isn't great I just felt I could clean it up a bit, But you have a point it is mostly the animation but you make em laugh, that's an extra mark I guess.