Newsjack Rejects - Spring 2018 Page 9

Thanks for comments on my oneliners. Agree that Obama one could have been worded better.

i enjoyed these sketches but, unhelpfully, I feel they are missing a little something and I'm not quite sure what. I feel the same way about mine. There's something there but somehow not enough. Here's one I sent in for the final Ep. Would be very interested to know what people think is missing/wrong.

EASTERN ENDERS
INTRO
North Korea are to launch two new Soap Operas on their state run TV channel. One can only imagine what the commissioning process has been like...

WRITER: So, you've read it and you're happy with it?

COMMISSIONER: Yes.

WRITER: Oh that's great! I'm so relieved. And you like the title? Eastern Enders?

COMMISSIONER: Yes, yes. That's fine. Oh there was just one thing.

WRITER: Of course. As a writer, I'm happy to oblige. Whatever I can do.

COMMISSIONER: Well that bit where, what's her name, ah yes...Where Jane tells Dave that she'll always love him.

WRITER: Yes.

COMMISSIONER: We just felt it was missing a little something. I hope you don't mind but I've toyed with it a bit.

WRITER: Oh really? OK. Sure I guess.

COMMISSIONER: Yes. Now it goes like this: "Jane: I love you. But not as much as I love our esteemed and wondrous, intelligent and yet also really cute, leader, Jim Jong." So, what do you think?

WRITER: Um. Does it not sort of spoil the intimacy between them?

COMMISSIONER: No. If anything it makes it stronger.

WRITER: I'm presuming that I don't have a say in this?

COMMISSIONER: Au contraire, you have a say. It's just that if you disagree with it, we'll execute you.

WRITER: Well in that case, I think it works very well. Is that all?

COMMISSIONER: Well there is the part in the pub when, what's his name, ah yes, Del, says he's "in charge".

WRITER: And you've rewritten that too?

COMMISSIONER: Just a teeny weeny little bit. Now the line is "You lot all need to listen to me this is my pub. But only because our perfect and brilliant leader who has the strength of the Sun and the virility of a thousand fathers, has allowed me to remain in it."

WRITER: Right. Is that all?

COMMISSIONER: Well there seems to be a little dip in energy on page 17. So we added the following. "Thank heavens that the beloved, really handsome and chiseled one reigns over us so."

WRITER: Sorry, where does that come?

COMMISSIONER: Just before the murder and after the wedding.

WRITER: Right.

COMMISSIONER: Oh and one other thing.

WRITER: Oh for heaven's sake. This is ridiculous. Why didn't you just rewrite the whole thing? What is it? Have you changed the love triangle to a love quartet with his bonkers one!? Is the murder weapon now a nuclear missile? Or have you written out the heart-throb and replaced him with an over pumped, psychotic, narcissistic, weapon obsessed, fat, stupid haircutted, fascist dictator?!

COMMISSIONER: (BEAT) No, it was just a small typo on page 22.

WRITER: Oh bugger. I'm dead now aren't I?

COMMISSIONER: Well. Probably. I think so. Yes.

FX: EAST ENDERS DRUMS TO END

Yes, I know what you mean about that je ne sais quoi...maybe it's just those surprise elements that keeps the audience on their toes and guessing, the 'pulse and energy' of the lines and a confidence/determination to keep them punchy and sharp?

I liked your sketch, there were some killer lines (excuse the pun) and I thought you nailed the ending/twist. It was a bit to-and-fro in terms of the dialogue and the plot was a smidge predictable (which of course goes with the Kim Jung territory and hard to avoid) , BUT, your writing style (the hardest bit) is fab!!

Quote: Danno @ 17th March 2018, 10:55 AM

Yes, I know what you mean about that je ne sais quoi...maybe it's just those surprise elements that keeps the audience on their toes and guessing, the 'pulse and energy' of the lines and a confidence/determination to keep them punchy and sharp?

I liked your sketch, there were some killer lines (excuse the pun) and I thought you nailed the ending/twist. It was a bit to-and-fro in terms of the dialogue and the plot was a smidge predictable (which of course goes with the Kim Jung territory and hard to avoid) , BUT, your writing style (the hardest bit) is fab!!

View original

Thanks for the encouraging words Danno. It helps to know that it's not totally missing the mark. Here's to us all finding the quoi in our je ne sais before the next series!

I know what you mean too Lolcov. I think part of what is missing is NJ rewriting the sketches as I guess they often do! Also the live performance bit. But it is not all of what is missing.

Quote: lolcov @ 17th March 2018, 9:45 AM

Thanks for comments on my oneliners. Agree that Obama one could have been worded better.

i enjoyed these sketches but, unhelpfully, I feel they are missing a little something and I'm not quite sure what. I feel the same way about mine. There's something there but somehow not enough. Here's one I sent in for the final Ep. Would be very interested to know what people think is missing/wrong.

EASTERN ENDERS
INTRO
North Korea are to launch two new Soap Operas on their state run TV channel. One can only imagine what the commissioning process has been like...

WRITER: So, you've read it and you're happy with it?

COMMISSIONER: Yes.

WRITER: Oh that's great! I'm so relieved. And you like the title? Eastern Enders?

COMMISSIONER: Yes, yes. That's fine. Oh there was just one thing.

WRITER: Of course. As a writer, I'm happy to oblige. Whatever I can do.

COMMISSIONER: Well that bit where, what's her name, ah yes...Where Jane tells Dave that she'll always love him.

WRITER: Yes.

COMMISSIONER: We just felt it was missing a little something. I hope you don't mind but I've toyed with it a bit.

WRITER: Oh really? OK. Sure I guess.

COMMISSIONER: Yes. Now it goes like this: "Jane: I love you. But not as much as I love our esteemed and wondrous, intelligent and yet also really cute, leader, Jim Jong." So, what do you think?

WRITER: Um. Does it not sort of spoil the intimacy between them?

COMMISSIONER: No. If anything it makes it stronger.

WRITER: I'm presuming that I don't have a say in this?

COMMISSIONER: Au contraire, you have a say. It's just that if you disagree with it, we'll execute you.

WRITER: Well in that case, I think it works very well. Is that all?

COMMISSIONER: Well there is the part in the pub when, what's his name, ah yes, Del, says he's "in charge".

WRITER: And you've rewritten that too?

COMMISSIONER: Just a teeny weeny little bit. Now the line is "You lot all need to listen to me this is my pub. But only because our perfect and brilliant leader who has the strength of the Sun and the virility of a thousand fathers, has allowed me to remain in it."

WRITER: Right. Is that all?

COMMISSIONER: Well there seems to be a little dip in energy on page 17. So we added the following. "Thank heavens that the beloved, really handsome and chiseled one reigns over us so."

WRITER: Sorry, where does that come?

COMMISSIONER: Just before the murder and after the wedding.

WRITER: Right.

COMMISSIONER: Oh and one other thing.

WRITER: Oh for heaven's sake. This is ridiculous. Why didn't you just rewrite the whole thing? What is it? Have you changed the love triangle to a love quartet with his bonkers one!? Is the murder weapon now a nuclear missile? Or have you written out the heart-throb and replaced him with an over pumped, psychotic, narcissistic, weapon obsessed, fat, stupid haircutted, fascist dictator?!

COMMISSIONER: (BEAT) No, it was just a small typo on page 22.

WRITER: Oh bugger. I'm dead now aren't I?

COMMISSIONER: Well. Probably. I think so. Yes.

FX: EAST ENDERS DRUMS TO END

View original

Lolcov, thanks for posting. I like the idea, timing, articulate style, murder/wedding joke, typo joke and East Enders theme. My ideas: intro - joke could be worked on a bit. Could have GRAMS East Enders theme music at the start to pull the audience in. A lot of lines could be cut by half, two-thirds or even taken out. My sketches can always have loads cut when I reread. There could be more of a punchline (hardest bit for me). As regards shortening it, for example, I think with 'Oh for heavens..' I think the joke gets lost a little.
I like where it says 'just before the murder...' and was thinking it could say 'just before the murder and the bomb explosion at the wedding but after the car crash and the prison scene' or something to emphasise the joke. They had one sketch on Kim Jong taking over and stealing the limelight early in the series so I wonder if, whilst this is clearly different to that, they would want a very different Kim Jong sketch in the same series. With 'two voice' sketches they have a ping pong feel to me though performance livens them up (though with 3 or more voices they can get sprawling and out of control in terms of structure in my sketches). Mine feel ping pong. Maybe a sound effect, a third/fourth voice or a restructuring or all of these could liven it up. In this sketch three or four voices/big fun characters could be great. Could be more of a link to East Enders to add to the jokes? Maybe very obvious, recognisable 'East Enders type' lines then a Kim Jong play on them/performance to get a laugh. Maybe even a character voice from the soap or someone with an East End accent. If the words were cut down, it adds space for more jokes.
The title could be something even more linked to North/South Korea like Koreanation Street (not much use as it's East Enders!)
Could even have Kim Jong as the landlord pulling a pint (thought of corny 'head too big' on a pint joke/pun - sorry awful). Maybe at the end you could have Kim Jong versus the archetypal boss of East Enders from past years, Peggy Michell (takes me back) who obviously takes him down. Just my strange ideas (moves away from the main theme of your sketch though - hope I am not talking rubbish). It is easy to look at other people's sketches and see them in a different light - less easy to do it with my own. Good luck next series. Hope it is helpful.

As a newbie who has tried to get stuff onto Newsjack - without success - for ages, I figured I would chuck out a few of my favourite one-liners which have missed the mark this series...

1. Cocaine kingpin Washington Prado Álava has been extradited from South America. The US prosecutor announced that, "This is a great day for justice, although my request for some top-class Colombian was clearly misunderstood."

2. An Indian man is recovering after having the world's largest brain tumour successfully removed. The previous record was a Mr. D. Trump of New York, whose malignant growth retained some of his hair and went on to plaster busses with ludicrous statistics and dangle from zip-wires, before becoming the UK foreign secretary.

3. Emma Watson was sporting a misspelled 'times up' tattoo at the Oscars, leading to claims that this gives her support a black mark. Or, as Tesco and J K Rowling would call it, a dark mark.

4. North Korean Leader Kim Jog-Un has announced he wants to 'vigorously advance' closer ties with the south. There was widespread relief when he clarified he meant 'ties' as in 'maniacally strapping to a bomb in a silent film', and not '50 Shades of Grey'.

5. Porn star Stormy Daniels has filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump over their alleged affair, instantly becoming the envy of 200 million Americans as the only one who can actually sue him for screwing her

Number Crunching

40: The number of Egyptian mummies unearthed in an ancient tomb
0: The number of opportunities to use the pun 'Pharaoh-zen in time' we are ever likely to get again

8th: The date in March when Twitter trolls come out to say "Huh! So when is Internationals MEN'S Day?!"
19th: The date in November when those same people say, "Oh I see, I stand corrected". Just kidding, it's when they say, "Meh, whatever, go drink bleach"

1: The number of presidents in China in 2018
0: The number of new presidents in China for the rest of all time

51: The percentage of 18-25 year olds who lack awareness of cyber security according to a new survey
51: The percentage of survey results obtained by hacking respondents' emails

Bishbashbosh - I thought your last two number crunchers really funny.

@lolcov: Just a thought but as a two way dialogue between writer and commissioner could be a little dry why not write a scene from the soap opera?

It could take standard soap tropes and then subvert them because everything has to be about how great the supreme leader is. E.g. man finds out his wife is having an affair, hidden in the wardrobe is... Kim Jong. Man then has to say what an honour it is to have the supreme leader sleep with his wife... etc.

It's the same idea as your sketch but we'd be seeing it in action rather than hearing about it. There'd also be more voices and variation in the sketch.

Quote: BTF @ 17th March 2018, 12:17 PM

Lolcov, thanks for posting. I like the idea, timing, articulate style, murder/wedding joke, typo joke and East Enders theme. My ideas: intro - joke could be worked on a bit. Could have GRAMS East Enders theme music at the start to pull the audience in. A lot of lines could be cut by half, two-thirds or even taken out. My sketches can always have loads cut when I reread. There could be more of a punchline (hardest bit for me). As regards shortening it, for example, I think with 'Oh for heavens..' I think the joke gets lost a little.
I like where it says 'just before the murder...' and was thinking it could say 'just before the murder and the bomb explosion at the wedding but after the car crash and the prison scene' or something to emphasise the joke. They had one sketch on Kim Jong taking over and stealing the limelight early in the series so I wonder if, whilst this is clearly different to that, they would want a very different Kim Jong sketch in the same series. With 'two voice' sketches they have a ping pong feel to me though performance livens them up (though with 3 or more voices they can get sprawling and out of control in terms of structure in my sketches). Mine feel ping pong. Maybe a sound effect, a third/fourth voice or a restructuring or all of these could liven it up. In this sketch three or four voices/big fun characters could be great. Could be more of a link to East Enders to add to the jokes? Maybe very obvious, recognisable 'East Enders type' lines then a Kim Jong play on them/performance to get a laugh. Maybe even a character voice from the soap or someone with an East End accent. If the words were cut down, it adds space for more jokes.
The title could be something even more linked to North/South Korea like Koreanation Street (not much use as it's East Enders!)
Could even have Kim Jong as the landlord pulling a pint (thought of corny 'head too big' on a pint joke/pun - sorry awful). Maybe at the end you could have Kim Jong versus the archetypal boss of East Enders from past years, Peggy Michell (takes me back) who obviously takes him down. Just my strange ideas (moves away from the main theme of your sketch though - hope I am not talking rubbish). It is easy to look at other people's sketches and see them in a different light - less easy to do it with my own. Good luck next series. Hope it is helpful.

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Thanks for this feedback. Really interesting points which I will think about next time and I think that you're right, it would have been better to have just got into East Enders and had Kim Jong in it rather than describing it from the outside. You see...This is why people collaborate! Thanks again.

Quote: Auditchris @ 17th March 2018, 4:16 PM

@lolcov: Just a thought but as a two way dialogue between writer and commissioner could be a little dry why not write a scene from the soap opera?

It could take standard soap tropes and then subvert them because everything has to be about how great the supreme leader is. E.g. man finds out his wife is having an affair, hidden in the wardrobe is... Kim Jong. Man then has to say what an honour it is to have the supreme leader sleep with his wife... etc.

It's the same idea as your sketch but we'd be seeing it in action rather than hearing about it. There'd also be more voices and variation in the sketch.

View original

Yes. This is a similar point to BTF's and I completely agree. It's funny isn't it that it seems so obvious when someone points it out but at the time of writing, there doesn't seem to be a better way of doing it. I think maybe the lesson for me will be to not rush and wait for the better angle to come. Many thanks for feeding back. It's great help.

Quote: BTF @ 17th March 2018, 1:06 PM

Bishbashbosh - I thought your last two number crunchers really funny.

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@BTF

Thanks - I appreciate that! I find it really interesing, reading through the forum, how different jokes hit the spot for different people. Looking at my own, I like the Colombian cocaine and Stormy Daniels ones the best

@locov

Just to throw my 2p in the hat - I love the idea of your sketch and, combining a few ideas above, you could have the same format (writer - commissioner) but include lines from the scene as clips. As in, the soap actors deliver their lines properly, with the 'Dear Leader' rewrites overdubbed which (in my head at least...) adds another dimension to the jokes and allows you to keep the jokes about plotlines.

@locov

Just to throw my 2p in the hat - I love the idea of your sketch and, combining a few ideas above, you could have the same format (writer - commissioner) but include lines from the scene as clips. As in, the soap actors deliver their lines properly, with the 'Dear Leader' rewrites overdubbed which (in my head at least...) adds another dimension to the jokes and allows you to keep the jokes about plotlines.

Thanks. It's really make me think that next series, for those of you, like me who feel like we're close to getting a good sketch but not quite there, we should try to collaborate on a sketch for NJ. I'm not sure how it would work logistically but it might be an interesting experiment to try. Would anyone else want to give that a go?

For a start, it might help with my typos! Sorry about them.

Quote: lolcov @ 17th March 2018, 5:54 PM

@locov

Thanks. It's really make me think that next series, for those of you, like me who feel like we're close to getting a good sketch but not quite there, we should try to collaborate on a sketch for NJ. I'm not sure how it would work logistically but it might be an interesting experiment to try. Would anyone else want to give that a go?

For a start, it might help with my typos! Sorry about them.

View original

I'm definitely into that!

Newsjack tweeted the Harry Potter sketch from the final show. It's a decent one to discuss in terms of what's making it tick. Foremost, Harry's big laugh opening line after Hagrid's whimsical intro seems to propel the sketch forward and the audience are all ears!
It's a sketch with just two characters, and you could argue that it inevitably falls into the 'to-me to-you' category, however, it gives you a strong sense of character and setting, and also that other magic ingredient 'conflict'. Be interested to hear what you made of it?

I think that sketch was definitely elevated by the fantastic Daniel Radcliffe impression. I'll need to go back to analyse the content more carefully.

I remember some nice links between the real world and Harry Potter terminology e.g. 'Sold it to a couple of muggles'.

But most NJ sketches seem to stick to the gag/setup/gag/setup rule. Most are very economical.

Think my fav sketch from the final ep was the Louis Theroux one - again, a really good impression. I wonder how much the particular talents of that week's cast play into the selection of sketches. Probably quite a lot...

Yes, sounds obvious but its worth remembering that impressions/voice acting are a big part of Newsjack so sketches with recognisable characters are bound to appeal.