lolcov: mummies gap year was my fav, just loved the silliness of it. Couldn't help but think of the expression 'flogging the bishop' as a possible alternative punchline for your porno/religion one.
BTF: Battenburg the hatches....I found that hilarious!!
good stuff peeps.
Here's my rubbish... I didn't send one of them in, can you guess which one? (I realise all of them are worthy contenders for the trash pile, so I suppose if you guess any of them you're a winner).
1. Temperatures got so low, following storm Emma, that reports emerged of a man in Newcastle wearing a coat.
2. Flippy, a burger-flipping robot has begun work at a restaurant in L.A. Flippy has caused outrage, as Republicans assert: "They come over here taking our Mexican people's jobs!"
3. In a bid to put Britain on a diet, health officials have told manufacturers to cut the portion size of processed foods. Ready meal portions will now leave you feeling full, rather than feeling guilty.
4. 3 minutes and 59.4 seconds: The time it took Roger Bannister to complete an historic mile.
20: My personal best for a one mile race, in metres.
5. 25,000: Number of homes left without power following an explosion at an electricity substation in Hartlepool.
9: Number of months till a baby boom in Hartlepool.
6: 18: The number of series of Newsjack
2: The number of series this joke format had legs for.
I also enjoyed the mummy one. Nice one.
Here are my abject failures:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Keith Richards has had to apologise to his bandmate after suggesting he should have a vasectomy. Mick Jagger once again showing who's in charge of the stones.
2. New laws are set to lead to more deforestation in Brazil. The country's shrubbery will be stripped clean, with just a short strip left running upwards from the Amazon.
3. Barbara Streisand has welcomed two clones of her beloved dog into her home, brings a whole new meaning to "Hello, Dolly!".
NUMBER CRUNCHERS:
1. 3: The number of Apple employees who were hurt walking into glass walls.
41,600: The number of female Apple employees having a similar problem with glass ceilings.
2. £22: The amount it cost for a ticket to a cheese festival that ran out of cheese.
£200,000: The amount festival organisers will pay Coldplay to play at next year's festival to ensure there's no shortage of cheese.
3. 100%: Bradley Wiggins insistence that he did not cheat.
100%: How closely this resembles the denial of a certain other cyclist.
Sketch got on but largely reworked so figured I'd share original
DUCK EMERGENCY
INTRO: During the cold weather a man called 999 to report a duck he saw in a Herefordshire parking lot that he was worried about. The police said 999 should only be used for a genuine emergency, and a cold duck a in parking lot was not one - unless it was a school parking lot and the duck was dealing drugs. But how did the caller really expect this to go?
FX: DIALING 999
OPERATOR: Emergency Service Operator, which service do you require, fire, police, or ambulance?
ANIMAL LOVER: I'm not sure actually.
OPERATOR: What is the nature of your emergency?
ANIMAL LOVER: There's a duck in a parking lot that looks-erm, this is a mistake.
OPERATOR: What about the duck in the parking lot?
ANIMAL LOVER: It looks... cold?
OPERATOR: All available patrols. Cold duck in parking lot. Repeat. Cold duck in parking lot.
COPPER: (RADIO) This is Alpha Bravo Foxtrot. Did you just call a 'Cold Duck' ?
OPERATOR: Roger that.
COPPER: On my way.
FX: SCREECHING TYRES, SIREN
COPPER: (RADIO) Do you have the caller there?
OPERATOR: He can hear you. Go ahead
COPPER: Are you still with the duck, Sir?
ANIMAL LOVER: Yes, but I was about to go-
COPPER: (OVER PREVIOUS) We're getting there as fast as we can, but here's what I need you to do in the meantime. Take off all your clothes and drape your naked body around the duck to keep it warm.
ANIMAL LOVER: What?
COPPER: All units. I want vets, supplementary oxygen, and heaters on the double. And duvets - but no goose down. Only artificial fillers. Repeat. Artificial fillers.
.FX: MULTIPLE SIRENS, CARS PULLING UP, A HELICOPTER
COPPER: Right, half of you come with me, and the rest search the perimeter of the parking lot. There could be other cold ducks out there.
FX URGENT BOOTS ON GROUND, DUCK WHISTLES
COPPER: Are you the person who called this in?
ANIMAL LOVER: Yes.
COPPER: Why aren't you caressing it with your naked body like I told you?
ANIMAL LOVER: It has feathers. I don't.
COPPER: THE DUCK COULD HAVE DIED!
ANIMAL LOVER: It's fine. See?
FX DUCK QUACKING
COPPER: Phew. (DEEP SIGHS OF RELIEF) Sorry about yelling like that. I lost a squirrel yesterday. Never gets any easier.
OPERATOR: (OVER RADIO) Alpha Bravo Foxtrot. I have a pensioner couple who've lost their power and heat and are in distress. Can you respond?
COPPER: Tell them that's what calling 101 is for. Bloody time-wasters!
END
[quote name="Donny Afternoon" post="1188253" date="9th March 2018, 2:17 AM"]I also enjoyed the mummy one. Nice one.
Here are my abject failures:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Keith Richards has had to apologise to his bandmate after suggesting he should have a vasectomy. Mick Jagger once again showing who's in charge of the stones.
2. New laws are set to lead to more deforestation in Brazil. The country's shrubbery will be stripped clean, with just a short strip left running upwards from the Amazon.
3. Barbara Streisand has welcomed two clones of her beloved dog into her home, brings a whole new meaning to "Hello, Dolly!".
NUMBER CRUNCHERS:
1. 3: The number of Apple employees who were hurt walking into glass walls.
41,600: The number of female Apple employees having a similar problem with glass ceilings.
2. £22: The amount it cost for a ticket to a cheese festival that ran out of cheese.
£200,000: The amount festival organisers will pay Coldplay to play at next year's festival to ensure there's no shortage of cheese.
3. 100%: Bradley Wiggins insistence that he did not cheat.
100%: How closely this resembles the denial of a certain other cyclist
I think these are all great. I'll have a listen today to hear what gems beat you to the recording. I had a similar barbra Streisand gag..
@Eoin Carney: Thanks for sharing, it's a catchy story and really plays on the eccentricity of us animal-loving Brits so I can just see the Newsjack writing team being immediately drawn to it and having a right laugh with it too. I haven't listened to the show yet, look forward to it. Well done, keep sowing those funny beans!
In the spirit of the indomitable newsjack rejects, I thought it about time I revealed one of my many failed attempts (this week's to be precise) - apologies for the tenuous link and the slightly stale plot; possibly a shining example of a sketch that sets out on a wonky, unconvincing trajectory and tries to right itself. Don't ask me what the name 'madam Fifi' is all about, i have no idea, it just came to me in a flash of perspiration...
Government training provider, Learndirect, has been under the spotlight because of its ongoing poor performance, letting down thousands of learners at a significant cost to the tax payer. Having already been rated as 'inadequate' by Ofsted - well, anyone with a full length bathroom mirror knows that feeling - it makes you wonder just what's been going on at the Learndirect training centres...
Ms Fifi : How about another ice-breaker? I want you to become the embodiment of a fantastical beast from a distant land of make-believe.
Student#1: Aren't we meant to be doing spreadsheets today?
Ms Fifi: Fear not my eager young charger for life is but a stage and a spreadsheet your bouquet.
Student#2: I don't understand. Isn't this supposed to be basic IT and workplace skills?
Ms Fifi: Again, again...only this time with more woe, let me feel the weight of your despair like a yoke about my shoulders.
Student#1: Are we even going to turn the computers on?
Ms Fifi: My computer, my computer, my kingdom for a computer. Why must you shackle yourselves to these binary devices. Let there be drama. You of little job prospects, step forth or forever hold thy p-45.
Students#2: So, is this like a job interview role-play or something?
Ms Fifi: Indeed it is, for the path to gainful employment never did run smooth.
Student#1: Are you even a proper IT teacher?
Ms Fifi: How very dare you fire such an arrow. I am a darling of the stage, I'll have you know my recent performance of Ophelia for the Lightwater Amateur Dramatics Society was described as spellbinding by the Surrey Comet.
Student#1: So that's a 'no' then.
Ms Fifi: Enough! The sands of time are upon us. You, who so nobly seek an ASDA name badge, why should I allow you to nuzzle on the tender bosom of the dairy aisle?
Student#2: Well, I quite like Dairylea triangles.
Ms Fifi: Forsooth. But the performance lacks passion me thinks. You must bare your soul to the audience.
Student#2: Erm, I really 'love' Dairylea triangles?
Ms Fifi: Ah, beautiful. Such tenderness, such vulnerability.
Student#2: Oh, thanks. Can I switch the computer on now?
Ms Fifi: You doth protest too much, but very well, let thy fingers elope.
Student#1: (welling up) Could I just have a moment please, I was just really moved by that Dairylea speech.
No joy for me yesterday. Best one liner I submitted was:
A state-of-the-art MRI scan could reduce a man's prostate cancer diagnosis by weeks. Drs gave the new prostate test the thumbs up.
I did a Burlusconi sketch too. I'll save it in another forum as it's a bit long.....
Link to My Burlusconi sketch: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/34316/
Favourite Monkey I guess it was the last.
Donny I liked 3 and 4 best.
Eoin the sketch is really good. Have you had other successes?
Quote: BTF @ 9th March 2018, 7:10 PMEoin the sketch is really good. Have you had other successes?
Thanks - I had a sketch on a year ago (love letter exchange between Theresa May & Donald Trump) and a nearly email a couple of seasons before that - so hoping NJ makes it to 2019
Well done Eoin. Was that the jelly not jam one?
I really like this forum as it is great to read creative work that people have done and read some funny jokes.
Thanks for sharing your sketch Danno.
My pleasure. Not my best and would have relied very much on some flamboyant voice acting to bring it to life. It actually made me look at it far more critically knowing that it was on display, which is a good thing in terms of development. I'll pop my other attempts up on Thursday.
Back again.
An Anglia Ruskin University graduate has announced on stage that her degree was 'nothing more than Mickey Mouse'. Her behaviour was described as 'highly animated'.
It's been revealed that fake news travels six times faster than the truth on Twitter, which helps explain why it always wins at hash-tag.
Football pundit, Jamie Carragher, has been caught spitting from his Range Rover window at Manchester United fans. An apologetic Carragher has found the footage hard to swallow.
5: The number of tons of smoked and fresh salmon expected to be consumed at The Cheltenham Festival.
6: The number of times Chardonnay sneaked into the VIP tent to fill up her handbag with some.
21,120: The distance, in feet, run during the National Hunt Chase, the Cheltenham Festival's longest race.
2: The average distance, in feet, walked at the festival in high heels without getting stuck.
2) If a man's voice is deeper it may be a sign he's a cheat, a recent study has found. 'Don't know what you mean, I was out walking the dog last night, love.' (spoken bit said in deep gruff voice)
3) The band, Rage Against the Machine, attacked Nigel Farage's use of their name saying he's a 'pissweasel' they hate, peddling inane, racist, blame-heavy bullshit they've been raging against since day one. Farage responded, 'You're not happy then?'
Number crunchers
.
2) 700 - the restricted daily calories Scarlett Moffatt was on at a secret boot camp which led to losing three stone.
100,000 - the pounds she'll have to pay as compensation to buyers of her fitness DVD who lost zero stone.
Last lot.
Quote: Danno @ 15th March 2018, 6:32 PMBack again.
An Anglia Ruskin University graduate has announced on stage that her degree was 'nothing more than Mickey Mouse'. Her behaviour was described as 'highly animated'.
It's been revealed that fake news travels six times faster than the truth on Twitter, which helps explain why it always wins at hash-tag.
Football pundit, Jamie Carragher, has been caught spitting from his Range Rover window at Manchester United fans. An apologetic Carragher has found the footage hard to swallow.
5: The number of tons of smoked and fresh salmon expected to be consumed at The Cheltenham Festival.
6: The number of times Chardonnay sneaked into the VIP tent to fill up her handbag with some.21,120: The distance, in feet, run during the National Hunt Chase, the Cheltenham Festival's longest race.
2: The average distance, in feet, walked at the festival in high heels without getting stuck.
Thanks for posting. I can't see the number cruncher about Chardonnay getting on as not so newsjacky but it did make me laugh. Liked the second N/C - could see that getting on. I do think the number crunchers are a lottery. With maybe 3000 to 4000 and only 20 odd getting on and a number of people deciding at the first stage, it has to be. A lot of these on rejects here could get on the show I feel.