Slipknotcone 27.2 - 7.3.18

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Playfull, me

Your next topic is THE NEWS.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 7.3.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Playfull, Gappy
2 - 20 - me
3 - 5 - Crindy, Otterfox, Frankie

The NEWS... oh, how I hate topical ... but wait, I shall have to put some sort of twist on it.. or maybe spin.. or possibly twirl..

OK, I'm in...

A BETTER WAY TO MAKE THE HEADLINES a sketch by Frankie Mildly Perturbed

INT. PRODUCTION ENVIRONMENT. TWO MEN WORKING ON A NEWSPAPER'S PRINT MACHINES. OLDER MAN IS SHOWING YOUNGER MAN HOW TO OPERATE.

SON:
I can show you a quicker way to do that, Dad!

DAD:
No, you can't

SON:
Yes, I can and it'll get the news out quicker!

DAD:
No, you can't and no it won't. Be told.

SON:
Yes, I can though, dad.

DAD: (frustrated)
Look, son, I've been working in print all my life and six years on this machine. And this is your first day on the job. It's me that's showing you, OK?

SON:
Yes, yes dad but I can show you a better way to do it!

DAD: (getting angry)
No, you can't!

SON:
Yes, I can all you need to do is...

DAD: (getting angrier)
No, you can't... and what's more...

SON: (interrupts, insistent)
Yes, I can!

DAD GRABS HIS SON BY THE ARMS AND PUSHES HIS SONS HANDS INTO THE MACHINE, AN ALARM SOUNDS, AND THE MACHINE GOES INTO EMERGENCY STOP, BUT IT'S TOO LATE, THE SONS HANDS ARE HORRIBLY MANGLED, HE IS IN AGONY AND THERE IS A LOT OF BLOOD. PEOPLE COME RUNNING TO HELP.

DAD: (satisfied)
No, you f**king can't... son...

DAD TURNS TO WALK AWAY.

SON: (moaning then croaks)
Ye-e-s I can... dad...

DAD TURNS BACK BOTH ASTONISHED AND DISMAYED

DAD:
Bloody hell, you can't teach kids anything these days...

BOSS: Hey, Fingers! Come on in.

FINGERS: Morning, boss.

BOSS: Good to see you. You wanna smoke? Oh, I forgot, you quit, good for you. So, what's the news?

FINGERS: Cincinatti Steel has had a disastrous day on the stock market, and there's been an election in Honduras.

BOSS: Oh, Fingers, not that. Gimme the lowdown.

FINGERS: [BASS] Cincinatti Steel has had a disastrous day on the stock market, and-

BOSS: Fingers, Fingers, you misunderstand: how are things hanging?

FINGERS: Well, I think that's really a private issue.

BOSS: No, I mean, what's going down?

FINGERS: The Cincinatti Steel share price.

BOSS: What I'm asking is, what's the rumpus?

FINGERS: Like...a...sleepover?

BOSS: No! Come on, what's the story?

FINGERS: Oh! We're on the ground floor.

BOSS: Sure, but what's up?

FINGERS: The first floor?

BOSS: No, you klutz! Fill me in with the juice!

FINGERS: Are you thirsty?

BOSS: Gimme the skinny!

FINGERS: Now, I'm not sure that one's even a sentence.

BOSS: Fingers! Listen careful: just tell me whether there is any fact that you feel I ought to know.

FINGERS: Oh, I see! Sorry, boss.

BOSS: No problem, lay it on me.

FINGERS: [BEAT] Right, we've hit a communication snag again.

BOSS: Tell me the thing I need to know!

FINGERS: Oh, I forgot. No, wait. OK, here's what I was going to tell you. You know this building we use as our hide-out? It's going to be demolished in one minute, so we need to get out now. Like, basically right away, we can't wait a single sec-

SFX: GIANT EXPLOSION

EXT. CITY STREET, VICTORIAN TIMES - DAY

Two VICTORIAN MEN walk down the street. One stops to buy a newspaper from a grubby-faced PAPERBOY. He unfolds the paper and starts to read.

MAN 1
Ah, the daily newspaper. Such a splendid way of keeping up to date with things that happened in the recent past.

MAN 2
Oh, I completely agree, good man. Why, there is simply no more immediate way of reading about important, world-changing events that happened several days ago without our knowledge nor any impact on our lives. Pray tell, what did happen?

Man 1 continues to read through the paper.

MAN 1
Ah. Apparently there was a war.

MAN 2
By jove. A whole war?

MAN 1
Apparently so.

MAN 2
Did we win?

MAN 1
It doesn't say.

MAN 2
Ah, well, doubtless we'll find out in a few days time. What else?

MAN 1
Well, there's a story here about a new train line those boffins have built. It was set to run for the first time last week.

MAN 2
Good lord. Did it work?

Man 1 turns the page and reads the next story.

MAN 1
No. Thirteen dead, apparently.

MAN 2
And tell me, have they printed the latest football results for us to browse?

MAN 1
The games from last month?

MAN 2
Yes, those ones.

Man 1 scans down the page.

MAN 1
Ah, here we are. They've only got the half times. Full time results due next week.

Man 2 looks over Man 1's shoulder at the results.

MAN 2
Heavens! As things stand, my accumulator's going to come in! Three crowns will be mine!

MAN 1
Hmm. A couple of those results might go either way though. Does one have a 'cash out' option?

MAN 2
Good idea. I shall write a telegram to my bookmaker post-haste.

MAN 1
You'd better be swift. Before he finds out what happened several weeks ago before you do.

MAN 2
Indeed. Tell me, do you ever wonder how one would receive his news in the future?

MAN 1
Oh, well, I suspect it will all be done electronically.

MAN 2
Electronically? How wondrous.

MAN 1
Yes, I would imagine that it would be possible to follow any event happening worldwide instantly from any location. And it will almost certainly be possible to interact with other people following the same news.

MAN 2
That sounds like a marvellous form of collaboration and understanding.

MAN 1
No, I suspect people will just end up arguing with each other over the same points, resulting in everyone merely becoming further entrenched in their own personal views on the subject.

MAN 2
Oh. Oh dear. That doesn't sound very marvellous at all.

MAN 1
Indeed. I believe our system is the better one.

The Paperboy runs up, clutching a slip of paper.

PAPERBOY
Extra! Extra! Breaking news!

He hands the slip of paper to the man with the newspaper, who reads it.

MAN 1
By jove! The prime minister's dead!

MAN 2
Gosh! Frightfully bad luck. Should we make plans to attend the funeral?

MAN 1
I shouldn't worry. It was last week.

THE END

Free tip for sensationalist journalists: in the same headline style as: "The Beast from the East", refer to other threats to the country by rhyming them with a compass point. Try:

Sex Pest from the West
Divorce from the North
Foot and Mouth from the South.

If you run out, keep focusing on news headlines that rhyme. Suggest:

Mike Tyson's bison broke my Dyson
Priest Stole My Yeast in Leith
Linekar Hates Vinegar

Avoid any news relating to Benedict Cumberbatch. And Jason Orange.

What's the difference between the Spice Girls and my mother's legs? The Spice Girls MIGHT get back together.

MANCHESTER EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

MAN: This is an urgent appeal on behalf of the Manchester Earthquake fund.

WOMAN: At 08.50 am on Thursday the 7th of March an earthquake measuring 3.2 on the Richter scale hit Manchester
in the United Kingdom, causing untold damage and distress.

MAN: Many people were woken well before their parole appointments.

WOMAN: Several priceless cobbled streets were slightly improved.

MAN: Three areas of historically and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

WOMAN: Thousands have been left confused and bewildered - trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting has happened in Manchester.

MAN: One resident, Brittany-Marie Dutton, a 15 year old mother of three said "It was
such a shock, little Chardonnay-Bike Shed came running into my bedroom crying.
Luckily my youngest two, Brooklyn-Park Bench and Romeo-Showcase Toilets slept
through it. I was still shaking when I was shouting at Jeremy Kyle on the telly later that morning".

WOMAN: Local businesses have estimated looting to be down by as much as 50% compared
to a normal Monday.

MAN: The Quake's epi-centre was close to Manchester City's Etihad Stadium, though no damage was reported. City
manager Pep Guardiola said he wasn't surprised that no one at City noticed the Quake as the stadium had
been rocking all season.

WOMAN: Manchester United issued a brief statement that none of its fans had been affected by the Quake...as most of
them live in Surrey.

MAN: The British Red Cross have already shipped in 800 crates of Sunny Delight to put some colour back into the
children's faces. And are now issuing the following appeal for help.

WOMAN: £2 buys chips gravy, mushy peas and blue pop for a family of four.

MAN: £7.50 can take a family to Stockport for the day, where children can play safely on a canal bank amongst the
'National Collection' of wonky wheeled shopping trolleys.

WOMAN: £11 will buy an 8 year old a Kappa Shell suit and hooky cigarettes for a week.

MAN: Just 22pence will buy a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

WOMAN: Please act now! Simply email us at Salfordloansharks.com with your credit card
details...

MAN: (interrupting) and pin number!

WOMAN: ...and we'll do the rest. Or if you would prefer to donate cash or your mums mobile
Phone, collection points are available at your local Paddy Power or pay day lender.

(Re-worked an old idea)

F**k! Playfull but all good this wank.

Hard to pick again. I certainly prefer it when it's hard.. or harder..

CRINDY (..just, very quirky, I liked it)

A wide variety this comp. But it is Crindy for me. A nice idea. I particularly liked the 'half time' football scores...

It's a funny thing with these games. Sometimes I vote for the most rounded, well-written piece, and sometimes for the one unconnected line that makes me laugh. If this week were the former, it's be Playfull all the way, but today it's Patrick with "Mike Tyson's bison broke my Dyson", which I find inexplicably amusing

PS Frankie, I loved the feel of yours, but didn't really understand the end. Am I missing something or did it just, sort of, stop?

PPS Michael, I think the scores should be reset to zero for this round...?

Quote: gappy @ 8th March 2018, 10:45 PM

PS Frankie, I loved the feel of yours, but didn't really understand the end. Am I missing something or did it just, sort of, stop?

View original

You've heard of 'Stream of consciousness', surely? Well, mines more 'Stream of excrement!'

Hi all, Crindy for my vote.

Very close run thing, but playfull takes it from gappy for me.