Newsjack Rejects - Spring 2018 Page 5

@Dano I quite like the Diana one.
@FavouriteMonkey a few very good ones there, particularly the Glastonbury one.
@lolcov the apple one is really groany pun, but a good groany pun.

Here are my failures:

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Researchers in France and Brazil have found a link between eating ultra-processed foods and negative health outcomes. The team behind the study's next project will be to explore the correlation between bears and shit in the woods.
2. Experts have lambasted Youtube proponents of DIY faecal transplants, saying they're full of shit.
3. Former Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell has said that female newsreaders wearing sleeveless dresses is demeaning. People with more clothes on are deemed more intelligent, she claimed from under ten layers of coats.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 290: the number of primary schools involved in the trials of a new multiplication test.
290 schools, each with 270 students that's...carry the 7....eh...Lots and lots: the number of students who'll be taking the test.

2. 3 million: the number of US and UK facebook users under 25 predicted to stop using the site this year.
2.9 million: the number expected to resume using the service after one week of pious boasting.
3. 13: number of Russians charged with tampering with the US Presidential election results.
6,947,222: The number off tweets sent this week labelled #nocollusion.

SKETCH

TUMP INTERVIEW
ANGELA: This week President Trump has been coming under fire like a porn film firefighter. We were privileged to have him in the studio earlier to answer a few questions about the week's tragic and shocking events in the US.

2. ANGELA: President Trump, thank you for being with us. I know it must be a harrowing time for all Americans.
3. TRUMP: Well Angie, you're right. Can I call you Angie?
4. ANGELA: No.
5. TRUMP: I'm gonna call you Angie. This shooting is a very sad event, but I can't help but feel it never would have happened if the FBI wasn't investigating the Trump campaign.
6. ANGELA: You're referring to the claims of collusion with Russia?
7. TRUMP: There was NO COLLUSION Angelie! How many times has Putin told me--I mean, how many times have I told the media there was no collusion. None. Nada. Zip. Nikto.
8. ANGELA: But would tighter gun laws help reduce the number of shootings?
9. TRUMP: If anything they'd increase. Guns make us safer, Angelica. If more students had guns maybe someone could have gunned down that gunman and saved a lot of lives. Children should, in most cases, should be very heavily armed, in order to stop this from happening again.
10. ANGELA: That seems like quite perverse logic.
11. TRUMP: I am not a pervert, Angie-baby! And I don't use pervert's logic. I use very pious reasoning, you can ask Stormy about that.
12. ANGELA: But do you accept that Russia tried to smear Hilary Clinton and support you during the 2016 presidential campaign?
13. TRUMP: Listen Angina. I don't know what happened. The Russians don't tell me everything, or even anything. Yes, I think the election was rigged, but I was elected fair and square, that's the truth. Nobody's Putin words in my mouth. And if these investigations continue there will just be more tragedies like the one this past week.
14. ANGELA: That almost sounds like a threat.
15. TRUMP: Look Anglophile--
16. ANGELA: Angela.
17. TRUMP: There was no collusion, how many times do I have to say that. All I'm saying is, stop trying to investigate if there was a collusion or not, because I'm telling you there was not. What more do you want? You know, the Russians are laughing at us. I talked to them this morning--
18. ANGELA: You were in contact with Russia this morning?
19. TRUMP: I don't know if you'd call it that. I mean, I know Putin. I've never holidayed with him or had a spa day with him...I'd go so far as to say I've never even colluded with him--
20. FX PHONE RINGING IN RUSSIAN ANTHEM
21. TRUMP: Hang on a sec Angelfish. Hello...uh huh...uh huh...ok, I will...da svidania.
22. FX PHONE HANGING UP
23. TRUMP: I've never even met Putin! I know I said just now that I did meet him, but that was a false fact, a bogus truth.
24. ANGELA: Bullshit.
25. TRUMP: Exactly. I've never met him and there was no collusion, I've said that for the last time Angstom.
26. ANGELA: And do you have any message for the victims of the shooting?
27. TRUMP: Yes, I want to very sincerely and humbly say to them...there was no collusion, so there's really no point in even checking.
28. ANGELA: I thinks that's about all we have time for. Thank you for your time Mr.
President.
29. TRUMP: And thank you too. Bye Anzhely.
END

I liked the YouTube 'shit joke' Donny.

The 'bear in the woods' shit joke is on a historical 'absolutely no go' list at Newsjack https://tetsell.wordpress.com/category/newsjack/

The Trump sketch:

They were never going to use a sketch referencing the recent shootings. You haven't captured Trumps 'voice' and it's just conversation ping-pong, and not actually funny.

But what do I know, I haven't submitted anything this series and have never had anything accepted.

Quote: FavouriteMonkey @ 22nd February 2018, 9:49 PM

3. Glastonbury Festival's plan to have a ban on plastic has been met with controversy as festival favourite, Dolly Parton, won't be able to show her face or indeed 30% of her body under these new regulations.

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Very quick thought on this one - I think it'd be better if the reversal that confounds the listener's expectation (i.e. Dolly Parton) goes at the end - as it is, people are anticipating the joke before you've had time to finish delivering it. So maybe something like, "Glastonbury Festival's plan to ban plastic is already having an impact with the Saturday now headlined by 70% of Dolly Parton"

Donny, I laughed at a couple of things in the sketch.
On a personal level, I am never keen when they put on a sketch interview with Angela. That is just me though.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 23rd February 2018, 2:56 PM

Very quick thought on this one - I think it'd be better if the reversal that confounds the listener's expectation (i.e. Dolly Parton) goes at the end - as it is, people are anticipating the joke before you've had time to finish delivering it. So maybe something like, "Glastonbury Festival's plan to ban plastic is already having an impact with the Saturday now headlined by 70% of Dolly Parton"

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I wondered if NJ avoid this type of joke as possibly being seen as stereotyping women etc?

Has anyone heard jokes on the show along these lines? It is just that I have sometimes thought of jokes like this then discarded them for this reason. Dolly Parton is known for this and very happy to be known for it having said that. I like Dolly Parton.

Quote: lolcov @ 22nd February 2018, 10:11 PM

Here are my rejected oneliners. I thought the first one might have stood a chance but sadly no joy. Number crunchers weren't even worth sharing.

ONELINERS
1. A number of Apple employees have been injured at work by walking into large panes of glass at the new Apple headquarters. One worker explained that they haven't had any training on Windows.

2. A man has been rescued from a sewer after being stuck down there for three days. When asked how he was, the man said he was flushed after an uncomfortable evacuation.

3. A tourist has returned a thumb which he stole from a Terracotta Soldier. Chinese authorities are insisting on a harsh punishment after he gave them the finger.

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Liked 1. Yes it was good.
3 is as good as the one that got on in my opinion.

Quote: Will Cam @ 23rd February 2018, 7:45 AM

I liked the YouTube 'shit joke' Donny.

The 'bear in the woods' shit joke is on a historical 'absolutely no go' list at Newsjack https://tetsell.wordpress.com/category/newsjack/

The Trump sketch:

They were never going to use a sketch referencing the recent shootings. You haven't captured Trumps 'voice' and it's just conversation ping-pong, and not actually funny.

But what do I know, I haven't submitted anything this series and have never had anything accepted.

View original

Interesting. Conversational ping pong is in a lot of sketches I have noticed. I am thinking how to vary one I am doing which is conversation back and forth.

Quote: Danno @ 22nd February 2018, 7:05 PM

Back again....as if I never left! Here they are, my 'oneliner non gratas' for episode number three...

Ousted UKIP leader, Henry Bolton, has compared his love life to Princess Diana's. The revelation came while sat at home in his underpants with his lips round a Carling.

Church spires to be used to boost mobile coverage in rural areas. Customers can expect great rates on evangeli-calls and pray-as-you-go.

A shark has fallen from the sky and landed in a garden in Whitstable. Police say it's not an unusual occurrence in seaside towns but await the results of the post-Morecambe.

One third: The number of UK adults who underestimate their calorie intake.
One third: The number of UK adults who think calorie is a vegetable.

81.93: The score given to the French figure skater who danced on with her nipple exposed.
1.93: The extra marks she received for artistic interpretation.

"It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand" Brian Stimpson

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Like shark one. Spire one - think would be better without evangeli. With just pray as you go.

A couple of mine...

Farmers in the Ribble Valley are distraught after dogs killed several of their prize sheep. They've asked the public to send thoughts and prayers and lots of mint sauce.

One million dollars - the amount of money given to needy and homeless people in a music video by Drake.
Ten years - how long it will take him to read the 300,000 copies of Big Issue that he's now got.

Quote: Mike X @ 23rd February 2018, 5:28 PM

A couple of mine...

Farmers in the Ribble Valley are distraught after dogs killed several of their prize sheep. They've asked the public to send thoughts and prayers and lots of mint sauce.

One million dollars - the amount of money given to needy and homeless people in a music video by Drake.
Ten years - how long it will take him to read the 300,000 copies of Big Issue that he's now got.

View original

Like them. Like mint sauce. Your one liners are often a bit different. Not the average pun unlike this one of mine:

A man from Barking fell down a drain and hurt his legs - when asked how he felt about it he said he was absolutely guttered.

Or words to that effect, it was..

Quality gags on here everyone. Really enjoyed:
lolcov: windows in apple
Danno: Carling Bolton was ace, pray as you go was lovely
Mike X: mint sauce

My fallow funnies: (top two...)

A man travelled 20,000 miles from the most northerly pub in the world to the most southerly pub in the world. Barmen asked "The unusual?".

After a change in their distributors, Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants ran out of chicken. KFC customers complain after being offered a paltry menu.

Missed out again. Here are my efforts..

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A boy has been suspended from a Great Yarmouth Academy for sporting a 'Meet me at McDonalds' haircut. He could have saved himself a lot of hassle by wearing it in a bun.

2. Following a record medal haul the Head of the GB Winter Olympic team has said the team is heading in the right direction. Presumably downhill..

3. British Telecom has been told it must share its poles with rivals for ultrafast internet use. A spokesman for BT has rubbished the idea saying 'we have only just recruited the Poles and they are currently undergoing training'.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 150: The number of pies donated to homeless people following a postponed football match.
3,500: The number of away fans chanting "who ate all the pies" at Kenny outside Primark the following day.

2. 70: The percentage of millennials expected to be overweight before they reach middle age.
70: The percentage of millennials missing this news as they have been in KFC since chicken returned to menus on Saturday.

3. 3,200: The number of jobs expected to be lost if Toys R Us can't find a new owner.
3,200: The number of Toys R Us employees receiving a payoff and spending more time with their families - it's swings and roundabouts really.

One-liners

1. Incorrect drugs have being given to thousands of NHS patients, causing appalling levels of harm and death, according to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. And if anyone knows about incompetence causing appalling levels of harm and death - it's Jeremy Hunt.

2. AirBnB is offering new services aimed at the luxury travel market, which is a bit like a food bank stocking up on avocados and hummus.

3. Freezing temperatures across Britain are expected to last all week. People have been told to stay at home and try to relax, however cold it get - which brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill.

Number Cruncher

11 - the number of "intervention providers" employed to tackle extremism on Facebook.
£25 - how much they were paid per hour to do this difficult and stressful work. What a nightmare, imagine the horror of having to talk to someone who actually still uses Facebook

• Whilst China's banned strippers at funerals, the Daily Mail's suggested they perform in care homes - Confucius says 'he who books strippers at old people's homes will dig many graves'.

• 85% the number of high street sex shops selling porn that have closed because people buy online.
• 85% the drop in sales of false beards, false moustaches and wigs.

The Newsjack 'mojo' is starting to evaporate but I'll trudge on for the remaining couple of weeks. I present to you my wastrels (free to a good home)...

After Scotland's six nations rugby win over England, a jubilant Nicola Sturgeon sipped champagne from the Calcutta Cup but denies allegations of snorting a line-out.

The muppets have announced dates for their first ever tour of the UK, a surprise for many who thought they'd already been enjoying a long run at the Houses of Parliament.

The government has banned wild animals from performing in travelling circuses. Leonardo the lion tamer has so far received mixed reviews about his 'all new' thrusty chair routine.

50: The minimum price in pence for a unit of alcohol being recommended by Scottish ministers to lessen the nation's drinking habit.
50: The number of times Heather Macswede has to ring the bell for last orders in the Jolly Jock & Sailor.

Quote: Mike X @ 1st March 2018, 6:22 PM

One-liners

Number Cruncher

11 - the number of "intervention providers" employed to tackle extremism on Facebook.
£25 - how much they were paid per hour to do this difficult and stressful work. What a nightmare, imagine the horror of having to talk to someone who actually still uses Facebook

View original

Here we all are again. I thought that the last one was not newsjacky (whatever newsjacky is) but it did make me laugh.

Quote: Sheepstar @ 1st March 2018, 6:11 PM

Missed out again. Here are my efforts..

Sheepstar,
I could not think of a meet me at McD gag so that first one was clever.

[quote name="Danno" post="1187651" date="1st March 2018, 6:50 PM"]The Newsjack 'mojo' is starting to evaporate but I'll trudge on for the remaining couple of weeks. I present to you my wastrels (free to a good home)...

50: The minimum price in pence for a unit of alcohol being recommended by Scottish ministers to lessen the nation's drinking habit.
50: The number of times Heather Macswede has to ring the bell for last orders in the Jolly Jock & Sailor.

View original

It didn't seem Newsjacky to me (I still don't quite know what I mean by this) but the surprise element of it made me laugh.

Quote: BTF @ 1st March 2018, 6:58 PM

Here we all are again. I thought that the last one was not newsjacky (whatever newsjacky is) but it did make me laugh.

It didn't seem Newsjacky to me (I still don't quite know what I mean by this) but the surprise element of it made me laugh.

View original

I thought the McD one was nailed on. Oh well. I'll keep throwing stuff in.

Anyone got any outlets for this stuff post newsjack??

Hello again buddies, here's my gold for the scrapheap:
1. Despite conservation efforts, voles remain one of Britain's fastest declining mammals, second only to babies named Harvey.
2. Bitterly cold weather and snow sweeping in from Siberia causes mass disruption to work as Britons are unable to talk about anything else.
3. News that 'Millennials are on course to be fattest generation' is set to put a strain on the NHS as well as their belts.

4. Number 1: Former rank of F1 driver, Daniel Ricciardo, who crashed in pre-season training.
Number 2: What he did just before hitting the barriers.
5. 250 tonnes: The amount of cocaine allegedly smuggled by Ecuadorian Prado Alava.
1: The number of entries Prado has in the Guiness Book of Records; for 'world's largest sphincter'.
6. £32,000: The predicted cost, on average, to finance a wedding in 2028.
£32,000: The predicted rise, on average, in taxes, to finance two royal weddings in 2018.

Also, thanks for feedback Dantrobus on last weeks, I was never happy with the wording on that one and your way makes more sense.