Newsjack Rejects - Spring 2018 Page 2

I assume, like the previous rejected threads, it's OK to post rejected sketches as well as one-liners?

This is my first time I've posted my failures to the community, but I've been submitting to Newsjack for 2 series now, and with some success - I've had both sketches and one-liners aired. In fact, last series, I got either accepted or "close but no cigar" emails for 4 out the 6 episodes.

Preamble over, here is my (rejected) sketch. Any feedback or criticism would be hugely appreciated.

ANGELA: An airline passenger who tried to take an "emotional support peacock" on a flight with her has been turned away because of health and safety concerns. Now, I'm no David Attenborough, but I'm fairly sure that birds usually have some other way of travelling long distances. There's a good reason you never see a haddock in a speedboat, and why no cheetah has ever bothered to apply for a driving licence. Let's face it: animals and vehicles, do not go.

FX: AMBIENT AIRPORT SOUNDS

CREW: Excuse me, I'm going to have to stop you there. What do you think you're doing?

PASSENGER: Is there a problem? I'm just trying to board the plane.

CREW: With a gazelle?

PASSENGER: Oh yes, it's fine. She's my emotional support gazelle, Barbra. I simply won't fly without her.

CREW: And this massive aquarium tank on wheels containing...?

PASSENGER: A Humboldt squid.

CREW: Right, a Humboldt squid. And why are you trying to trundle that on board?

PASSENGER: Oh, that's Barbra's emotional support animal. Barbra is also terrified of flying, and won't set foot on a plane without Albert.

CREW: And I suppose this wolverine is because Albert the squid is also scared of flying?

PASSENGER: Don't be ridiculous! Albert has a crippling fear of water. Can't exactly take a squid out of his tank though, can I?

CREW: And the wolverine, is he happy to fly without an emotional support animal?

PASSENGER: Of course -

CREW: Great.

PASSENGER: - but he does have a severe gazelle phobia. If not for his emotional support antelope, Dave, there is no way he'd be getting this near to Barbra.

CREW: Sorry? He has a crippling fear of gazelles, yet his emotional support animal is an antelope? Aren't they basically the same animal?

PASSENGER: Keep it down. Dave the antelope gets hysterical if he hears about the concept of irrational phobias.

CREW: Hence, the marmoset?

PASSENGER: Hence the marmoset. Who does, admittedly, get very 'on-edge' with all these wasps about. Which is why we bring the reticulated python.

CREW: Wasps? Sorry, where do wasps come into it?

PASSENGER: Right, we've got ahead of ourselves. Wasps come around in about eight animals/phobias time.

CREW: And the wasps insist on bringing...?

PASSENGER: A gremlin.

CREW: Not a real animal, but at this point, it seems academic to argue the distinction.

PASSENGER: Now, the gremlin, he has no problem with flying, as such...

CREW: Wonderful!

PASSENGER: But heights, well, that's another matter, and I can't see the pilot agreeing to let us scoot along at about three, three-and-a-half feet. So we do insist on an emotional support falcon.

CREW: And the falcon is scared of...?

PASSENGER: The darkness-

CREW: That's not a problem, we can keep the lights on.

PASSENGER: - the band. Who will be joining us to provide support for a monitor lizard with the fear of public speaking.

CREW: Public speaking? Really? And what about this three-toed sloth? Who is he emotional support for? Let me guess. A worm with a fear of being buried alive? A cuckoo with abandonment issues? A hedgehog who faints at the sight of needles?

PASSENGER: No-one.

CREW: No-one?

PASSENGER: No-one. But it's not exactly fair to leave him at home alone whilst the rest of us go on holiday, is it?

And my one-liners, which adds a badly-phrased version of the same Bitcoin joke that clearly everyone has made:

1. Nigel Farage has been in Ireland to give a talk at an "Irexit" conference. Now clearly there's a man who values his EU-given rights to work abroad.

2. Wildlife sanctuary saves bald baby hedgehogs which were born without any spines. Conservative backbenchers ask: is it too late to help Theresa May?

3. Aldi have recalled 38,000 bags of frozen product after a customer opened one to find it contained mixed vegetables and half a rat. Aldi say they have no idea how the vegetables got in there.

1. 25: Years since the film Groundhog Day was released.
25: Years since the film Groundhog Day was released.

2. 30: how many seconds closer to midnight the Doomsday Clock has moved due to US nuclear plans.
58: how many minutes past Doomsday we'll be when the clocks go forward in Spring.

3. $9,000: How much Bitcoin's value has dropped since the start of the year.
$9,350: How much Bitcoin's value has dropped since the start of the year.

Thanks for sharing Callooh Callay. Great idea for a sketch, i enjoyed reading it. Out of your oneliners, the Doomsday clock joke sparkled the most for me. Look forward to reading more

Bloody hell Callooh Callay that's great stuff! I can certainly see why you've had success getting things on in the past. Amazed that sketch didn't make it onto the show, it's much better than a couple they broadcast. Brilliant!

Thank you guys, much appreciated. I'd be only happy to 'pass it forward' and offer critique on anyone else's failed submissions they care to submit.

The quality of content I've seen posted on these threads is generally incredible, and seeing such high quality rejections has definitely cushioned the blows when I've received rejections of my own.

Quote: Callooh Callay @ 11th February 2018, 9:07 PM

The quality of content I've seen posted on these threads is generally incredible....

View original

Please allow me to buck the trend:
1. Walk on girls for male darts players have been removed by the PDC and other sports are beginning to follow suit. With their large breasts, curvy figures and often exposing their tummies to the jeering crowds, there have also been plenty of calls for the players to wear larger T-shirts.
2. In response to the gender pay gap in the BBC, John Humphreys voluntarily took a large salary cut. Having told his producers that he wished to be treated equal to women in the industry, Mr Humphreys was immediately groped, kissed and told to let the producer watch him shower if he "ever wanted to get close to that Mastermind chair again".
3. North and South will be united at the Winter Olympics that begin in Pyeongchang tomorrow (Firday 9th) as professionals from both countries will compete under one banner in the women's ice hockey. Who'd have thought you could make a Korea out of just playing hockey.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 1: The BCG nominated sketch show, Newsjack described as a laugh a minute by Deadringers
10: 10 seconds average time between jokes.

2. 8.5: A students house is burgled in Manchester every eight and a half hours.
1: One of the most unfortunate students in the UK, poor fella.

3. 99: The percentage of people will who laugh at this joke
1: The percentage of people too stupid to get it.

Here goes mine:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Google have launched a lawsuit over the alleged theft of self-driving technology. "There's no evidence Uber's taken anyone else's work" said their defence counsel, KITT from Knight Rider.
2. Plans to develop land on a North Wales flood plain have been recommended on the basis of their potential to boost jobs, mainly in the Coastguard and Air-Sea Rescue.
3. A survey carried out by Microsoft on whether technology can be a distraction to workers found 25% thought Yes, 12% thought No, and 63% thought "wait, there's an auction just finishing on ebay"

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. £1579: What a High St chemist chain charged the NHS for a £2 pot of moisturiser.
0: The number of people who said "Because I'm worth it"
2. 2: Police horses stolen during Superbowl celebrations in Philadelphia.
100: Police horses praying every day Newcastle United never win anything
3. 25: Percent fall in diesel car sales over the past year
0: Chance of Volkswagen hiding those figures.

some really clever stuff here! @Fav Monk...i'd try to tighten up the oneliners by cropping some of the info, wee bit too long at the moment.

That would have been my advice, too. They're good jokes - really good, in fact - but probably a little wordy compared to the standard pithy Newsjack pun. They'd be easy to refine though. Why not "With their large breasts, curvy figures, and exposed tummies" instead of "With their large breasts, curvy figures and often exposing their tummies to the jeering crowds"? It's shorter, and the symmetry of the three aspects makes the metre of the joke better.

'metre of the joke'....too right! am lovin' that! and so important in terms of tempo and timing. It's like spiking a volley ball.

My gags from episode one which they didn't use

New software allows users to digitally superimpose actress's faces onto pornography. Paris Hilton is looking to see if it can work in reverse.

In effort to be more like Bryan Cranston celebrities; Kevin Spacey, Louis CK, and Bill Cosby, will also not be signing autographs from now on

Lady Gaga cancels tour due to severe pain. She apologised to her audience and wished their ears a speedy recovery.

3. The amount of parents now able to make an IVF baby.
33%. The increase of the amount of people complaining about how tired they now are.

75%. The amount of polar bears which are running out of food.
25%. The amount of polar bears who kept a stash of glacier mints hidden for such an occasion.

2012. The last time the Spice Girls reunited.
2012. The Spice Girls current combined age, but that's mostly Geri

I see you mostly opted for the celeb-bash approach. Paris Hilton and IVF registered highest on my grin-o-meter. Very good stuff

Quote: Danno @ 12th February 2018, 7:08 PM

I see you mostly opted for the celeb-bash approach.

View original

Guilty as charged

Another week, another abject failure. Surely these are good jokes, especially the first two? Apparently not though!

ONE LINERS

Terrorists have been taking steroids before launching their deadly attacks. Everyone says it's a terrible waste of life, apart from Lance Armstrong who says it's a terrible waste of steroids.

Eurostar now has direct train services between London and Amsterdam. Unfortunately the toilets will be out of order as passengers have weed everywhere.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

6 - the number of acts who were lucky enough to take part in "You Decide" to see who would represent the UK at Eurovision.
1 - the number of acts who were unlucky enough to WIN "You Decide" and now have to represent the UK at Eurovision.

One....of the Number Crunchers last week cheated by not starting with a proper number. Two....can play at that game.

Here are a couple of my rejects. I'm only posting the two that I genuinely thought were quite good. Any crit is welcome.

1. Details of Prince Harry's wedding have been announced this week with no mention of any changes in polygamy laws. Many are wondering why he gets to marry Meg and Markle?

2. President Trump is to cut US funding for the International Space Station. Instead he plans to build a giant laser beam in space. And make Mars pay for it.

I was happy with #2 because it's even got a topper.

@MikeX - I liked your weed one best. If they rejected that then this must be a cracking episode.

These were forwarded to the BBC's janitor's cupboard, excuse the slight smell of bleach...

Parents are being warned about a craze encouraging children to 'sleep in Ikea overnight'. Ikea has responded by making its beds even more uncomfortable.

Trafford Council has become the first public library authority to scrap fines for late returns. The move is seen as long over-due.

In Waikanae, New Zealand, a celebrity goose named Thomas, who spent years in a bisexual love triangle with a pair of black swans, has died. Mourners are saying he was sick of playing gooseberry.

41: The number of rice sacks stuffed with crystal meth found aboard a fishing boat in Indonesia.
41,000: The number of Indonesians with a hardcore rice addiction now desperate for a fix.

1000: The number of pounds spent by Theresa May on hand-delivering the Article 50 letter to Brussels.
1050: The number of times Boris Johnson had to stop to ask for directions.