Newsjack Rejects - Spring 2018

ONE-LINERS

1. A killer whale has learnt to communicate by making tuneless grunting noises. It's already a hot favourite to join The Spice Girls as a replacement for Victoria Beckham.

2. The "Just Eat" app has been criticised for delivering poor quality food. The company is worried that complaining customers have opened a real can of worms

3. Men are being encouraged to have a prostate exam, but are worried that they will get an erection during the procedure and the doctor may accidentally come into contact with it. Hopefully it won't happen - touch wood

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. 100 - the number of premier league goals scored by Harry Kane
101 - the number of Jaffa Cakes that I just ate, so who's the real winner, eh?

2. $60 billion - the amount wiped off the value of Bit Coin this week
6 billion - the number of people who have asked "what the f*** is a Bit Coin?"

3. 50 - the percentage of food sold in the UK that is "ultra-processed"
100 - the percentage of people who think something being "ultra-processed" sounds mega cool

Trying very hard to be objective, these are better than some on the show last night. I can not fathom the selection process except that being too "clever" does not seem to be a top criteria . There were jokes last night that could have come out of a Christmas cracker, the audience even groaned, but if that is what they want!

shame to keep 'em locked away in the dusty sarcophagus that is my Newsjack desktop folder...

High Street bakers, Greggs, will be hosting a romantic Valentine's Day restaurant experience. Couples can enjoy a quick sausage roll followed by a bun in the oven.

Plans in Swansea to introduce charges in school car parks has left students up in arms.

UK military chiefs have described the possibility of 1,000 job losses as 'a kick in the privates'.

1175: The biggest fall in points on the Dow Jones since September 2008.
75: The number of characters in Donald Trump's tweet bragging about it being 'the biggest'.

@Mike - I liked the Just Eat one best. How did that not get on?

@Danno - Loved the 'privates' one. Nice stuff.

Here are my understandably rejected ones:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A policeman has been attacked by a group of people in a Ramsgate graveyard. At the time of the incident, the officer was investigating a plot.

2. West Yorkshire police are looking for a man due to be sentenced for his part in violence at Elland Road last month. They are also in the lookout for the entire Leeds United defense.

3. Climate change is expected to cause the release of large quantities of mercury from beneath the Arctic ice. Local residents will now be able to really measure those increasing temperatures.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
53% - Britain's contribution to Europe's entire wind capacity in 2017
47% - The amount of Europe's wind capacity that didn't come out of Theresa May's mouth.

Jamie Dornan, star of 50 Shades of Grey, has said that the prospective withdrawal from the EU keeps him "up" at night.
So moviegoers will finally get to see a "hard brexit"

Attendance at the annual memorial to famed clown Joseph Grimaldi was down on last year, organisers said fewer clowns were available as there was a vote in parliament the same day.

$60BN : The amount of money lost as the cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, is devalued to $8000.
$0 : The actual amount, of actual money, which was actually lost.

Lauri Love, the British hacker accused of breaking into FBI and NASA computer systems has won his appeal at the high court. The website of the Crown Prosecution Service reported "He's also a very lovely person, wot never done no one no harm. Honest. Guv".

1. Made In Chelsea's Spencer Mathews has proposed to his girlfriend on the stage of a West End's Lion King. Producers say that romantic gesture has left them with an emotional Scar.
2. The BBC have discovered that hundreds of women have incorrectly been given the all clear for cervical cancer. The NHS are calling it a smear campaign.
3. A Spokeswoman for the South Korean winter a Olympics has said relations between the South and North are going downhill fast. Yes, it's called the Luge.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. Minus 6 degrees: the predicted low temperature of UK this week.
Minus 1 degree: UKIPS leader, Henry Bolton having been made to take a fake one off his CV.

Quote: Mike X @ 9th February 2018, 9:17 AM

ONE-LINERS

1. A killer whale has learnt to communicate by making tuneless grunting noises. It's already a hot favourite to join The Spice Girls as a replacement for Victoria Beckham.

2. The "Just Eat" app has been criticised for delivering poor quality food. The company is worried that complaining customers have opened a real can of worms

3. Men are being encouraged to have a prostate exam, but are worried that they will get an erection during the procedure and the doctor may accidentally come into contact with it. Hopefully it won't happen - touch wood

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. 100 - the number of premier league goals scored by Harry Kane
101 - the number of Jaffa Cakes that I just ate, so who's the real winner, eh?

2. $60 billion - the amount wiped off the value of Bit Coin this week
6 billion - the number of people who have asked "what the f*** is a Bit Coin?"

3. 50 - the percentage of food sold in the UK that is "ultra-processed"
100 - the percentage of people who think something being "ultra-processed" sounds mega cool

View original

Funny - particularly like 1 and also no 2 NC

Quote: Watch Maker @ 9th February 2018, 9:42 AM

Trying very hard to be objective, these are better than some on the show last night. I can not fathom the selection process except that being too "clever" does not seem to be a top criteria . There were jokes last night that could have come out of a Christmas cracker, the audience even groaned, but if that is what they want!

View original

I did think there were two particular clunkers on the show. Sometimes it is hard to fathom.

Quote: Danno @ 9th February 2018, 9:52 AM

shame to keep 'em locked away in the dusty sarcophagus that is my Newsjack desktop folder...

High Street bakers, Greggs, will be hosting a romantic Valentine's Day restaurant experience. Couples can enjoy a quick sausage roll followed by a bun in the oven.

Plans in Swansea to introduce charges in school car parks has left students up in arms.

UK military chiefs have described the possibility of 1,000 job losses as 'a kick in the privates'.

1175: The biggest fall in points on the Dow Jones since September 2008.
75: The number of characters in Donald Trump's tweet bragging about it being 'the biggest'.

View original

Particularly like 1
I couldn't think of a Greggs one though I tried.

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 9th February 2018, 1:22 PM

@Mike - I liked the Just Eat one best. How did that not get on?

@Danno - Loved the 'privates' one. Nice stuff.

Here are my understandably rejected ones:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. A policeman has been attacked by a group of people in a Ramsgate graveyard. At the time of the incident, the officer was investigating a plot.

2. West Yorkshire police are looking for a man due to be sentenced for his part in violence at Elland Road last month. They are also in the lookout for the entire Leeds United defense.

3. Climate change is expected to cause the release of large quantities of mercury from beneath the Arctic ice. Local residents will now be able to really measure those increasing temperatures.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
53% - Britain's contribution to Europe's entire wind capacity in 2017
47% - The amount of Europe's wind capacity that didn't come out of Theresa May's mouth.

View original

number 1 clever

Quote: Steev @ 9th February 2018, 1:57 PM

Jamie Dornan, star of 50 Shades of Grey, has said that the prospective withdrawal from the EU keeps him "up" at night.
So moviegoers will finally get to see a "hard brexit"

Attendance at the annual memorial to famed clown Joseph Grimaldi was down on last year, organisers said fewer clowns were available as there was a vote in parliament the same day.

$60BN : The amount of money lost as the cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, is devalued to $8000.
$0 : The actual amount, of actual money, which was actually lost.

Lauri Love, the British hacker accused of breaking into FBI and NASA computer systems has won his appeal at the high court. The website of the Crown Prosecution Service reported "He's also a very lovely person, wot never done no one no harm. Honest. Guv".

View original

I particularly like no 1

Quote: lolcov @ 9th February 2018, 2:26 PM

1. Made In Chelsea's Spencer Mathews has proposed to his girlfriend on the stage of a West End's Lion King. Producers say that romantic gesture has left them with an emotional Scar.
2. The BBC have discovered that hundreds of women have incorrectly been given the all clear for cervical cancer. The NHS are calling it a smear campaign.
3. A Spokeswoman for the South Korean winter a Olympics has said relations between the South and North are going downhill fast. Yes, it's called the Luge.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. Minus 6 degrees: the predicted low temperature of UK this week.
Minus 1 degree: UKIPS leader, Henry Bolton having been made to take a fake one off his CV.

View original

I liked the number cruncher

Not great but am improving slowly

Breaking News

1. 38,000 packets of veg were recalled by Aldi after a rat was found in one; to recoup costs, Aldi have put the dead rat for sale in the middle aisle.

2. Charles and Camilla visited guide dogs at a TV studio where Charles had a tussle with a friendly, playful pooch - it only ended when he grabbed the mike from Camilla's mouth.

3. Pepper, the robot, has been sacked from a shop for not understanding the nuances of communication - when a man said he was desperate for a pee she sent him to the frozen veg cabinet.

Number-crunchers

30,000 - the number of stolen oranges found in two cars in Seville which the drivers told police they were planning to eat
30,000 - the number of packets of laxatives found in the boot.

2 to 1 - the odds that Ann Widdecombe would win Celebrity Big Brother.
20 - the comments Ann Widdecombe made on LGBT rights which could be why she didn't win Celebrity Big Brother!

15 the number of shows Brendan Cole did on Strictly Come Dancing before they dropped him this month
50 - the percentage of his ex-dancing partners he didn't like who are going for a knees-up to celebrate.

I know I am naïve (no need to tell me, I know, I know) but all this analysing what 'works' what 'doesn't work' and trying to figure out what they want seems a bit like sitting down and trying to write a number one hit song.

I feel what you should do instead is write your song from the heart, more chance of getting a winner. If that doesn't work for comedy, then apologies for me talking through my arse. You've left me behind in the pits... I'm a loser.

Quote: Frankie Mildly Perturbed @ 9th February 2018, 5:58 PM

I know I am naïve (no need to tell me, I know, I know) but all this analysing what 'works' what 'doesn't work' and trying to figure out what they want seems a bit like sitting down and trying to write a number one hit song.

I feel what you should do instead is write your song from the heart, more chance of getting a winner. If that doesn't work for comedy, then apologies for me talking through my arse. You've left me behind in the pits... I'm a loser.

View original

but it's such fun

Don't bother trying to be different, that never works!

I will try it my way and see what happens, nothing probably, but I certainly ain't gonna sit around and try and figure out what they want, they'll get what I give them! Maybe this is not the way to win, but I can only play the game this way, my weakness, I guess.

I think as long as the oneliners are short enough and funny enough the rest is anyone's guess. There is a definite modus operandi to the sketches, so it's well worth keeping your ear to the ground when it comes to those.

Some funny gags here (from everyone). Thanks for sharing and keep going!

Well, I'll have a listen to the show and if I can make any suitable contributions, it looks like I'll soon be back in this thread again - posting my own rejects!

Thanks everybody, for posting your stuff here, it is certainly interesting to see what you have contributed. Some of these are funny, I believe the fact that Newsjack have rejected them doesn't mean much really. In fact, I think it means Jack.

Quote: Watch Maker @ 9th February 2018, 9:42 AM

Trying very hard to be objective, these are better than some on the show last night. I can not fathom the selection process except that being too "clever" does not seem to be a top criteria . There were jokes last night that could have come out of a Christmas cracker, the audience even groaned, but if that is what they want!

View original

I am not saying this applies to you or anyone else in this thread, or in fact on this planet. This possibly (or maybe) applies only to people on a planet so far away that it is actually not near here at all...

I think sometimes writers are too 'clever' and often write to show others just how clever they are, especially to show other writers. This is clearly a doubtful approach as other writers aren't interested in your stuff, only their own and I'm sure everyone (except possibly me then.. although surely not?) everyone is writing for the AUDIENCE ..who are of course in the case of NewsJack - other writers. Doh!

You can write for the producers, the cast or the audience or anyone else you think may be involved in the show, take your pick. I would advocate none of these though. I would advocate writing from your heart and just for yourself. If you think it's funny, then someone else will too. And it's usually your mum. Of course, I am talking through my arse and thankfully can be totally disregarded; or silenced by a 'clever' quip. Go on, do it.. do it.. you know you can't resist; or ignore me, yes better still that - ignore the twat.

I am yours, as ever, just a fool you met along the way to success and riches... Spend wisely!

I like your style FMP....by the way, I recall you mentioning that you had a penchant for lyrics? I take it you've heard of The Treason Show and the News Revue comedy shows? They're always on the lookout for topical song parodies.