Britpump 12 - 20.11.17

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 -10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Crindy

Your next topic is PUBS (suggested by Gappy).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 20.11.17.

Scorebored is now:
45 - Crindy
40 - Gappy
20 - Otterfox
10 - Zepp, Patrick
5 - Playfull

18 THINGS I MUST STOP DOING

1. Talking about the Spice Girls. Stop right now, thank you very much.
2. Swearing, abbreviating and asking rhetorical questions. I mean, wtf?
3. Making jokes about menstruation. Period.
4. Misusing greetings. I mean, HELLO?
5. Getting blow jobs off toothless old men. They really suck.
6. Jerking off to Mel C videos. My thing will never be the same again.
7. Quoting Blackadder. The long Winter nights will just fly by.
8. Quoting Alan Partridge, but it's such a-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard thing to do.
9. Making childish innuendoes. It's long and hard but I'll pull it off.
10. Anal. It's f**king shit.
11. Second hand porn. It is disrespectful to Mel C.
12. Drinking in pubs. I forget that. I'm too pissed.
13. Using Italian. What a fiasco.
14. Making the same shit formula joke again and again.
15. Putting myself down. Not my fault I'm a c**t.
16. Criticising Americans because they are arrogant, self-obsessed, tedious wankers who think the most articulate adjective is AWESOME, voted for a twot who makes Adolf Hitler look like Baby Spice and think the epitome of female self-empowerment is a woman who has to put said twot's foresk between her tonsils.
17. Saying I'll think of 18 ideas when I can only be arsed to write 17.

ADAM: [ADVERTISING VOICEOVER TONE THROUGHOUT] Why are you wasting time with shampoo and conditioner?

JACK: Pardon me?

ADAM: [TINY BIT MORE AGGRESSIVE] Why are you wasting so much time using shampoo and conditioner?

JACK: Err, dunno. Sorry, mate.

ADAM: Isn't it time you gave some body to that lank, lifeless hair?

JACK: Yeah, sure. I'll bear that in mind.

ADAM: [LOUDER] Why are you still paying over the odds for your car insurance? Eh?

JACK: Look, look, we don't want any trouble, OK? Let's just-

ADAM: Do you want a tampon that will free you from monthly misery?

JACK: Yeah, alright, mate, leave the lady out of this.

ADAM: [SHOUTING] Isn't it time you gave yourself over to luxuriant full-bodied coffee?

JACK: [STERN] Are you looking for hassle?

ADAM: [SHOUTING] I'm offering you a great deal!

JACK: [SHOUTING] I promise, you do not want to set me off!

ADAM: [SHOUTING] 20% off! 20% off!

JACK: [SHOUTING] Right! That's it! Outside, if you want make something of it!

ADAM: [QUIET] Err, yes. Right. I'll fight you [LOW & VERY QUICK] Terms and conditions apply. Fight may not occur. Antagonists reserve the right to climb out of the toilet window. Brown trousers can go up as well as down. Bye.

JACK: [DEEP EXHALATION] He really wound me up.

NAOMI: Jack! You're waving your fists at me! Your knuckles.

JACK: Sorry.

NAOMI: That's how white I'd like my shirts.

JACK: [ADVERTISING VOICEOVER TONE] The whitest whites, with new Zim Automatic.

NAOMI: [BEAT] Who are you talking to?

JACK: I don't know, to be honest. I probably shouldn't have taken all that coke.

NAOMI: I want a divorce.

I went into a pub and asked for a short - the barman gave me jimmy Krankee.

I said 'that's no good I wanted it neat' - so he tucked his shirt in.

Sorry

INSIDE THE 'SNUG' OF 'THE QUEENS LEGS' PUBLIC HOUSE.

DAVE: 70 years they have been married.

JOHN: Bless um.

DAVE: 70 happy years.

JOHN: Severn glorious decades of blissful wedlock.

DAVE: To Liz and Phil!

JOHN: To Her Maj and him indoors.

THEY BOTH RAISE THEIR PINTS AND DRINK.

JOHN: Mind you I heard that it wasn't always plain sailing in the old bedroom department.

DAVE: Get away.

JOHN: Apparently Liz...

HE LOOKS AROUND AS IF AFRAID OF BEING OVERHEARD

...who had been brought up as strictly a missionary girl, was concerned about the rumours that Phil the Greek might favour a bit of the old buggery.

DAVE: Poor girl. And did he?

JOHN: Yes but it was ok, the footman he chose didn't mind.

DAVE: Arrrrrr you!

Gappy.

Very good.

Winner for me was Mr Monkhouse

James: shameless gaggery!

Always good to get a mention of a Krankee, but it is Michael this week.