Bigger Piece
Thursday 19th October 2017 6:59pm
Cockermouth
137 posts
And a brace of sketchy sketches:
BUFFOONERY ABOUNDS
GRAMS: SLADE: MAMA, WEER ALL CRAZEE NOW
ANGELA: Not only is it the end of the series, but it's also the end of times. The prophecies in the Book of Revelations are being fulfilled as we see a worrying increase in the number of earthquakes, along with war and economic collapse, not to mention an orange buffoon leading the world to oblivion. Very orange. The best orange. Believe me.
FX: VIOLENT THUNDER STORM
LUKE: As we know from Hollywood, one swallow doth not a summer make, and similarly one fish doth not a plague constitute, but something definitely weird seems to have been going on in Bournemouth. A fisherman who tried to kiss a Dover sole was surprised when the fish jumped into his mouth and attempted to swim down his throat.
Paramedics managed to save the fisherman, but the Dover sole was not so lucky.
MANDI: A man who drinks a lot of tea has changed his name by deed-poll to Nathan 'Yorkshire Tea' Garner. Meanwhile, I have an old boyfriend who doesn't need a deed poll to adopt the middle name "farty".
JASON: Firemen in Germany were called to a gym in the city of Worms after an enthusiastic weight-lifter got part of himself stuck in a 2.5Kg weight. Somewhat ironically, the firemen had to use a grinder to remove the dumbbell before reminding weightlifters to stick to more conventional lifting techniques.
ANGIE: And finally, a Psychology student found out his mum liked watching fruity video clips when, in a phone call, she told him she had seen him having sex with an unknown redhead on the platform of a tube station in a viral video. As the video garnered eight thousand re-tweets, British Transport Police prosecuted the miscreant who was found guilty of outraging public decency, even though his video performance lasted only 90 seconds.
No, I am not the unknown redhead in the video, and I am looking forward to meeting my audience again sometime soon in the next series!
Thank you and good night!
FX: VIOLENT THUNDER STORM
ENDS
THE INNIT PROGRAMME
CONTINUITY: And next on BBC Radio Four Super Plus Ultra, as part of the BBC's ongoing inclusivity initiative, John Humphrys, Sarah Montague and Mishal Hussein reach out to a diverse audience with a special woke AF look at news and current affairs with The Innit Programme.
HUMPHRYS: Blood. Sup fam? Today on Innit we is gonna see what's up, yeah? Mishal?
MISHAL: Wigger. Yo. Fo sho. Brexit Secretary David Davies say "me gonna cap the EU chulo dem". Shadow Brexit Secretary Keir Starmer say "chill".
HUMPHRYS: Savage. High key.
MISHAL: Same. Sis?
SARAH: Hunty. [sotto voce] Extra. There are ongoing calls for Theresa May to reshuffle the cabinet and for Foreign Secretary Bozzer or Chancellor Phillip Hammond to be cancelled? Dad?
HUMPRHYS: Later on the Poonani Show, Jenni Murray gonna talk fleek and fly frocks for the sistren dem.
MISHAL: Snatched.
SARAH: Goals. A report out today suggests millennials are not able to communicate as effectively as they would like due to the limited number of emojis available for their smartphones. The BBC's Technology Correspondent, Rory Cellan-Jones filed this report:
RORY: I'm dead.
SARAH: Basic.
HUMPHRYS: So done.
MISHAL: Cancelled.
FX: PIPS (DISTORTED AND TRUNCATED)
ENDS