Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 10

@Danno Storm in a teacup and the PhD ones especially good
@BTF Like the Amber Rudd one particularly
@Otterfox didn't quite get the Pence one but liked Blade Runner one
@Bigger Piece IS one made me laugh, so did leopard. Thought the sketch has potential but wasn't sure what story it referred to, maybe needs more intro/ context?
@Stobbart42 Liked the oneliners, I'd say solider one works just as well if you end before the last sentence. Like the sketch too, it sends up Trump's free association speaking style nicely, maybe it needs a bit more of a focus/storyline to hang it on?
@TurkeyNotTheBird Like the sketch, especially as hard to find a new angle on Star Wars. The Ruth Davidson allusion particularly made me laugh.
@Mike X Nice, the Nelly one especially made me chuckle

I'm not usually that happy with any sketches I submit, but the following one I thought was alright. Any critiques/suggestions for improvements etc greatly appreciated:

ANGELA: This week it emerged that Airbnb paid less than £200,000 in UK corporation tax last year, despite collecting over £600 million in rental payments for property owners. The digital economy's great, isn't it? You can use an Apple or Microsoft device to Google an Airbnb place and have an Amazon delivery waiting for you when you arrive. And all in the time it takes to close three schools and a hospital. But how would companies react if their customers tried using the same tactics?
FX: PHONE RINGS
HOST: Hello?
AIRBNB CALLER: Good afternoon. I'm calling from Airbnb UK about the property you've registered with us. I believe you're renting out 139a Blackfriars Road?
HOST: That's right, great ratings too. We're getting so many stars, the guy in the flat opposite has set up his own observatory! Though now I come to think about it, he might just be a pervert.
AIRBNB CALLER: Well... quite. I'm ringing because we're having some trouble with your account, and we've not been able to collect the Airbnb service charge. Are you able to settle up over the phone please?
HOST: Ah. Did you say you were calling from Airbnb UK?
AIRBNB CALLER: That's correct.
HOST: Well, there's your problem. The flat is actually registered in Dublin.
AIRBNB CALLER: I'm sorry? 139a Blackfriars Road. That's in London, right?
HOST: Well yes and no. The address is a London address, but the flat is registered in Dublin for accounting purposes. Look, did you ever read the Narnia books as a kid?
AIRBNB CALLER: No.
HOST: Exactly. It's just like that. Outside the front door, it's black cabs and red buses; inside it's shamrocks and Guinness. Outside they're playing Streets of London; inside it's sweet, sweet Molly Malone.
AIRBNB CALLER: This is ridiculous. I must ask you to please just settle your account.
HOST: I'm afraid I can only speak to Airbnb Ireland about this.
FX: PHONE CUTS OFF
FX: PHONE RINGS AGAIN
HOST: Hello?
AIRBNB CALLER: [The same caller as before, doing a questionable Irish accent] Hello, this is Airbnb Ireland, calling to settle your account for flat 139a.
HOST: Ah. Well it's not actually me you need to speak to.
AIRBNB CALLER: [persisting with the accent] What? Aren't you the registered owner?
HOST: Yes and no.
AIRBNB CALLER: What?
HOST: My accountant recommended I split my personality into separate entities. Right now, you're talking to cheeky, knockabout me, resident in London. But all my assets - including the flat - are controlled by my hard-headed businessman persona. He's domiciled in Luxembourg.
AIRBNB CALLER: [Giving up on the accent] Oh for Christ's sake...
HOST: But none of us can do anything without consulting our controlling international playboy persona in the Cayman Islands. And good luck getting that guy off the beach at happy hour, know what I mean?
AIRBNB CALLER: [Snapping] This is nonsense! You can't pretend a building is in a different country or controlled by a different part of your own personality, just to avoid paying the money you owe!
HOST: [pause] Hmmm... Actually, that reminds me. While I've got you on the line, several of my personalities work for HMRC and as it happens, we've been trying to get in touch with someone at Airbnb for a while to discuss tax arrangem-... Hello? Hello?
FX: PHONE CUTS OFF
END

@JonT...Great idea, enjoyed your off-the-wall style.

Great submission all around, if only the show were longer

@Danno - really liked the fortune teller one and the poodle one
@Bigger piece - Really wish they had used the ISIS one, gave me a good laugh
@MikeX - the Hamilton and Nelly jokes had me chuckle and I got a few cross looks at the office
@JonT - Really liked the premise of the sketch. Seeing as my sketch was my first attempt, might not be great advice but since you had a reference to Narnia perhaps you could have escalated that idea too insanity... as you could have the wardrobe have the house classified as being both in Narnia and the UK. Then again that may be terrible advice, I shall retreat back into the shadows.

JonT I really liked the premise - some good humour. I liked the Narnia thing too. I could imagine it on the show though they may shorten it. I wonder if it could be slightly simplified, but as I have never made it on the show what do I know!

Otter fox - could imagine Harrison Ford one on the show.

Bigger Piece - thought third one liner very good.

Stobbart 42 I particularly liked the Catalonia one. Loved Indian buffet.

Stobbart 42 I think the sketch is a good length. Not too long. Nice short simple sentences. I agree with you - it needs more of a punchline but I cannot think of one! Perhaps more of an introduction for Angela to set up the sketch more would round it off well.

TurkeyNotTheBird I really liked the Star Wars theme. I wondered if Ewan could have been introduced as the one in the sketch earlier to make it clear. Or just have Obi as himself rather than the actor (I know Obi isn't real).
Liked the punchline. Wondered if it could work even better with a more current politician though nobody is quite as dark as Lord M.

Mike x my favourite of yours were 2 and 3. Very good.

Thanks for all the positive responses to the one-liner about Downing Street refusing to comment on ISIS claiming responsibility for Theresa May's speech -- I must admit it wasn't an entirely original composition, but it was based on a joke related at dinner last week by a teenage daughter!

Nonetheless, I thought it was probably my best effort to date, and it would have been a great one to have got on air.

I wasn't going to post these from last week because I think they're my weakest submission of the series but here they are anyway:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Toymaker Mattel have ditched plans to sell an AI robot babysitter after a prototype shagged a vacuum it invited round.

2. Problems with iPhone8s becoming unusable because of their batteries swelling have been blamed on too much praise in the tech press.

3. Insensitivity news: the anniversary of the Andes air crash where survivors ate fellow passengers, made famous by the movie 'Alive', has been commemorated by flying family members to a barbecue.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. 500m: yen payout to residents after the Fukushima nuclear accident
100m: years until they'll be able to go to the local bank to pick it up

I liked the AI one -- maybe the word "caught" would have made it a bit punchier.

I think the barbecue gag might be deemed a bit tasteless* for a mainstream BBC broadcast, even though it's a great example of the "small earthquake: not many dead" genre.

*

Just sent in the 1 sketch last week... never seems as funny in the cold light of day after rejection of course:

THE APPRENTICE - THE BREXIT TASK

ANGELA: With Teresa May's leadership of the Conservatives wavering like a field of wheat you might want to run through if you were really naughty - watch out for those EU farmers - party leaders have taken desperate measures to keep Brexit on track, starting in the Cabinet Office itself:

GRAMS: ROMEO AND JULIET BY PROKOFIEV (FROM 'THE APPRENTICE')

LORD SUGAR: Look, this was a simple task - negotiate the cheapest price and the best terms for Brexit. It's not like trying to win a bleedin' snap election is it?

FX: VARIOUS MUMBLES AND GRUMBLES FROM CANDIDATES

LORD SUGAR: Team Silver Spoon - nice pun on my name there - Theresa, you was the PM for this task, what went wrong?

THERESA: Well can I start by saying that this task was exactly the type of opportunity that I wanted...

LORD SUGAR: What, standing in a room full of people who don't like you? You could have stayed here for that couldn't you?

THERESA: Ha, yes, well...

FX: THERESA COUGHS REPEATEDLY

LORD SUGAR: Don't start with that again, you've got more coughin' than an undertaker.

FX: THERESA COUGHS REPEATEDLY

LORD SUGAR: Look, I want to know who you think is responsible for the failure of this task - who are you bringing back into the cabinet with you?

THERESA: Well that would have to be Boris...

BORIS: Scandalous.

THERESA: ...and Jeremy.

LORD SUGAR: Hunt?

THERESA: Corbyn.

LORD SUGAR: He was leading the other bleedin' team!

THERESA: Exactly, I found that very off-putting, it would have been far easier to win this task without another team.

LORD SUGAR: Jeremy, you can go back to the House Of Commons. Theresa and Boris, go outside for a minute whilst I discuss this farce with my trusted advisors - Claude, President of the European Commission and general left-wing socialist...

CLAUDE: (A LA FROZEN) Whooohoo British family!

SUGAR: ..and of course Karren Brady, who has never actually worked for me, but the BBC insist I have a bird on my team to appear less sexist.

KARREN BRADY: Quite right too.

LORD SUGAR: So Claude, how did they mess this up?

CLAUDE: Well I think...

LORD SUGAR: I could run this bloody country with my eyes shut, did I tell you that?

CLAUDE: Well...

LORD SUGAR: How hard can it be? Buy low, sell high, that's my motto.

KARREN: Well...

LORD SUGAR: Fifty years ago I started out with just a hundred quid you know...

KARREN: Yes, you had mentioned that once or twice before...

LORD SUGAR: Right, I've heard enough from you two, bring the candidates back in please.

RECEPTIONIST: Lord Sugar will see you both in the Cabinet Office now.

LORD SUGAR: Theresa, why have you brought Boris back? Couldn't you have done us all a favour and left him in Brussels?

KARREN: That's a good one, Alan.

THERESA: Well there was a feeling within the team that there wasn't that level of support...

LORD SUGAR: Yeah I get that... Boris, was you behind Theresa as your PM on this task?

BORIS: Of course I'm behind her, one hundred thousand percent. One can hardly stab someone in the back from in front can they Sugarbabe!

LORD SUGAR: What about this NHS figure - "£350m saving"? What numpty came up with that figure?

BORIS: That was I, oh Sugarplum fairy. I appointed myself, unanimously, as the financial behemoth of the team, the imperialist numerist if you will - I appraised, I reviewed, I cogitated and subjugated before plucking that figure from thin air.

LORD SUGAR: It seemed to some that you had another agenda all along, Boris?

BORIS: Mwahayyy, I think that is a ludicrous, wild accusation beyond the realms of possibility given that even I don't know what words are going to come out of my mouth when I speak, Sugarloaf. One's esoterically juxtaposed equanimity is pervasive.

LORD SUGAR: You know, I don't understand a bloody word you say Boris.

BORIS: Neither do I. Mwahayy.

LORD SUGAR: OK. Theresa - some of your team mates have said you're like a robot... is that fair?

FX: THERESA COUGHS REPEATEDLY

LORD SUGAR: You chose a babbling guinea-pig for your sub-team lead, what was you thinking? Look, this really was a coalition of chaos... you're both fired. Do you have anything to say?

BORIS: Flagorium epistolorum.

THERESA: But these talks are critical for the British people, without Team Silver Spoon who will lead us through Brexit?!

LORD SUGAR: I happen to know the ideal man for the job actually...

THERESA: But the countdown has already begun!

LORD SUGAR: Quite.

GRAMS: THEME TUNE TO 'COUNTDOWN'

LORD SUGAR: Nick Hewer, you're hired as the new PM!

END

Didn't get round to posting last week's losers. Mainly because I wasn't too proud of some of them, but here they are anyway!

1. Dolly Parton is to read a bedtime story for the CBeebies TV channel. The programme will be aimed at children aged nine to five.
(They went with a better punchline for this one)

2. Boris Johnson has claimed that he would "just say no" if Theresa May attempted to sack him. The controversial move is often referred to in business as "doing a Grange Hill".

3. A rescue was launched after a Spider-Man shaped balloon was spotted floating in the ocean. The previously unknown inflatable has been praised for its portrayal of the superhero and is destined to burst into pop culture stardom.

1. 2048 - the year a man claimed to have travelled back in time from.

2048 - the time he woke up the next day and swore to never drink another Long Island ice tea.

2. 500 million - the number of old style £1 coins still currently in circulation.

500 - the number of old £1 coins in a box under my Nan's bed that she's hiding from the man who lives upstairs...um...in her bungalow. Bless her.

3. 1 - the number of Scottish labour politicians campaigning on Tinder.

47 - the average age of people who want to swipe right but are conflicted as they always vote left.

Quote: Thosisd @ 17th October 2017, 4:37 PM

2. 500 million - the number of old style £1 coins still currently in circulation.

500 - the number of old £1 coins in a box under my Nan's bed that she's hiding from the man who lives upstairs...um...in her bungalow. Bless her.

View original

Good jokes. I had a similar one about the old pound coins, which they didn't use.

Quote: skram @ 17th October 2017, 3:36 PM

Just sent in the 1 sketch last week... never seems as funny in the cold light of day after rejection of course:

THE APPRENTICE - THE BREXIT TASK

ANGELA: With Teresa May's leadership of the Conservatives wavering like a field of wheat you might want to run through if you were really naughty - watch out for those EU farmers - party leaders have taken desperate measures to keep Brexit on track, starting in the Cabinet Office itself:

GRAMS: ROMEO AND JULIET BY PROKOFIEV (FROM 'THE APPRENTICE')

LORD SUGAR: Look, this was a simple task - negotiate the cheapest price and the best terms for Brexit. It's not like trying to win a bleedin' snap election is it?

FX: VARIOUS MUMBLES AND GRUMBLES FROM CANDIDATES

LORD SUGAR: Team Silver Spoon - nice pun on my name there - Theresa, you was the PM for this task, what went wrong?

THERESA: Well can I start by saying that this task was exactly the type of opportunity that I wanted...

LORD SUGAR: What, standing in a room full of people who don't like you? You could have stayed here for that couldn't you?

THERESA: Ha, yes, well...

FX: THERESA COUGHS REPEATEDLY

LORD SUGAR: Don't start with that again, you've got more coughin' than an undertaker.

FX: THERESA COUGHS REPEATEDLY

LORD SUGAR: Look, I want to know who you think is responsible for the failure of this task - who are you bringing back into the cabinet with you?

THERESA: Well that would have to be Boris...

BORIS: Scandalous.

THERESA: ...and Jeremy.

LORD SUGAR: Hunt?

THERESA: Corbyn.

LORD SUGAR: He was leading the other bleedin' team!

THERESA: Exactly, I found that very off-putting, it would have been far easier to win this task without another team.

LORD SUGAR: Jeremy, you can go back to the House Of Commons. Theresa and Boris, go outside for a minute whilst I discuss this farce with my trusted advisors - Claude, President of the European Commission and general left-wing socialist...

CLAUDE: (A LA FROZEN) Whooohoo British family!

SUGAR: ..and of course Karren Brady, who has never actually worked for me, but the BBC insist I have a bird on my team to appear less sexist.

KARREN BRADY: Quite right too.

LORD SUGAR: So Claude, how did they mess this up?

CLAUDE: Well I think...

LORD SUGAR: I could run this bloody country with my eyes shut, did I tell you that?

CLAUDE: Well...

LORD SUGAR: How hard can it be? Buy low, sell high, that's my motto.

KARREN: Well...

LORD SUGAR: Fifty years ago I started out with just a hundred quid you know...

KARREN: Yes, you had mentioned that once or twice before...

LORD SUGAR: Right, I've heard enough from you two, bring the candidates back in please.

RECEPTIONIST: Lord Sugar will see you both in the Cabinet Office now.

LORD SUGAR: Theresa, why have you brought Boris back? Couldn't you have done us all a favour and left him in Brussels?

KARREN: That's a good one, Alan.

THERESA: Well there was a feeling within the team that there wasn't that level of support...

LORD SUGAR: Yeah I get that... Boris, was you behind Theresa as your PM on this task?

BORIS: Of course I'm behind her, one hundred thousand percent. One can hardly stab someone in the back from in front can they Sugarbabe!

LORD SUGAR: What about this NHS figure - "£350m saving"? What numpty came up with that figure?

BORIS: That was I, oh Sugarplum fairy. I appointed myself, unanimously, as the financial behemoth of the team, the imperialist numerist if you will - I appraised, I reviewed, I cogitated and subjugated before plucking that figure from thin air.

LORD SUGAR: It seemed to some that you had another agenda all along, Boris?

BORIS: Mwahayyy, I think that is a ludicrous, wild accusation beyond the realms of possibility given that even I don't know what words are going to come out of my mouth when I speak, Sugarloaf. One's esoterically juxtaposed equanimity is pervasive.

LORD SUGAR: You know, I don't understand a bloody word you say Boris.

BORIS: Neither do I. Mwahayy.

LORD SUGAR: OK. Theresa - some of your team mates have said you're like a robot... is that fair?

FX: THERESA COUGHS REPEATEDLY

LORD SUGAR: You chose a babbling guinea-pig for your sub-team lead, what was you thinking? Look, this really was a coalition of chaos... you're both fired. Do you have anything to say?

BORIS: Flagorium epistolorum.

THERESA: But these talks are critical for the British people, without Team Silver Spoon who will lead us through Brexit?!

LORD SUGAR: I happen to know the ideal man for the job actually...

THERESA: But the countdown has already begun!

LORD SUGAR: Quite.

GRAMS: THEME TUNE TO 'COUNTDOWN'

LORD SUGAR: Nick Hewer, you're hired as the new PM!

END

View original

Really liked this. Love apprentice. Think it works well.

Here's this week's failures:

1. Pizza Hut have revealed they were victim of a cyber-attack. Customers are advised to check their accounts for missing dough.

2. Rapper Eminem has criticised Trump in a televised freestyle rap. In retaliation, the President has declared war on M&M World.

3. Disney have cancelled production of their Jack and the Beanstalk movie due to budgeting issues. Defending the decision, a producer said "don't you understand? These are magic beans!"

1. 20 - the amount of pounds a sacked Tesco security guard was fined for staging a rooftop protest.

20 - the number of points he would have earned had he remembered his Clubcard. 

2. 8 - the number of weeks Bruce Springsteen will be performing on Broadway.

336 - the number of toilet breaks each audience member is expected to take during this extended performance.

3. 500,000 - The amount of pounds Royal Mail 'Fat Cats' are allegedly being paid.

0 - The number of comments Jess the Black and White Cat was willing to provide.

See you next year!

Last, and by all means least, these are my final decidedly-unfunny efforts:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. As parts of the UK were lashed by wind and rain, lexicographers warned of the difference between Storm Ophelia and stormophilia.

2. LucasArts faced an internet backlash after the release of the new trailer, showcasing cute little characters called porgs. Apparently the Star Wars company failed to notice the word is already in use as an acronym for People of Restricted Growth.

3. As the University of Southern California turns down the offer an endowment from disgraced gropey-raper Havey Weisnstein, Newsjack understands it's not the first time he's had an offer declined, and suggests SoCal should leave before the robe comes off.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. 300,000: The weight, in tons, of radioactive mud to be dredged from the site of the decommissioned power station, Hinkley Point A, in Somerset, to make way for the new Hinkley Point C reactor.
Severn: The name of the river where the toxic sludge is due to be dumped, which is why the Welsh are upset.

2. Fourteen: the length, in centimetres, of the Dover sole removed from the windpipe of a fisherman in Bournemouth.
Four ninety nine: the price, in pounds and pence, of a cheap landing net.

3. Ten million: The amount, in dollars, offered by porn publisher Larry Flynt, for information leading to the impeachment and removal from office of Donald Trump.
One: the number of phone calls we're all hoping Flynt will get from Harvey Weinstein.