Agreed, the Jane Austen quip is ace.
Also, wasn't there a very similar breaking news bit to your 3rd breaking news item about the Body Clock Scientists? Seemed to be a re-worked version of your submission. Either case, that was also a great one.
Yeah I think my submissions were a bit too long, seeing everyone else posts theirs has had be realize I need to get to any joke I am attempting a lot faster.
Liked these
Quote: Thosisd @ 5th October 2017, 6:17 PM1. Methane emissions from cattle found to be higher than previously believed. Scientists link the discovery to a severe case of Irritable Cow Syndrome.
3. Concerns have been raised that so called 'bags for life' can cause food poisoning. To reduce the risk, shoppers are advised to not eat their bags.
Quote: Mrkgrngr @ 5th October 2017, 6:38 PMLove this one.
I know these aren't all gold, but I was happy with the Breaking News gags. Let me know what you think.
110,000: Holiday makers stranded overseas after Monarch Airlines went bankrupt.
110,000: Holidaymakers who want to stay overseas following the Conservative party conference.
Quote: Danno @ 5th October 2017, 8:03 PMA woman in Derbyshire has given birth in a Co-op car park: a spokesman for the food
retailer wanted to remind other expectant mothers that it also runs a home delivery service.9: The number of concerts cancelled by Marylin Manson after he was injured by a prop whilst performing in New York.
3: The number of times he was accidentally wheeled to the hospital mortuary.
Quote: Bigger Piece @ 5th October 2017, 10:56 PMThis week's bin-fodder:
2. Yesterday at the Tory party conference, Theresa May reminded delegates of the government's commitment to combatting knife crime, especially in the back.
Quote: Goalo @ 6th October 2017, 11:40 AMI like this one
1. Football news: shock defeat for Barcelona on Sunday after the Guardia Civil break in and confiscate 4 of their goals.
2. Mixed reviews for Jane Austen online role-playing game: "it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man playing video games must be in need of a life"
3. 41: percentage rise in the number of problem online gamblers since 2013
3-1: chance of that being higher next year. Bet in-play now.
Plus, wasn't your number 3 actually on the show? I thought there was one about the body clock scientists sleeping in?
A few from me:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Women in Saudi Arabia are now allowed to drive, but must still defer to a male when making all major decisions; pretty much like Theresa May and the Conservative Party, then.
2. In a bold attempt to set new standards in airline customer service, Monarch Airlines have declared themselves bankrupt stranding 110,000 passengers abroad - your move RyanAir!
3. A dog walker whose basset hound picked up an intact penis and testicles on a Somerset beach has admitted; 'he was always fond of a bonio'
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 110,000: the number of passengers stranded abroad by Monarch's bankruptcy. 100: the percentage of Monarch passengers who still prefer it to RyanAir
2. 23: The number of guns found with Stephen Paddock in his Mandalay Bay Snipers nest. 0: The number of Republican Senators who can see the link between easy access to automatic weapons and lots of people getting shot.
Quote: Ponderer @ 6th October 2017, 1:02 PMPlus, wasn't your number 3 actually on the show? I thought there was one about the body clock scientists sleeping in?
I've not actually listened to the show yet, I'll download it at the weekend but I assume they aired a gag that was the same idea as mine (quite encouraging) but better worded ( less so ). I didn't get an email off them anyway.
I have been helplessly giggling for about 10 minutes over the Bonio gag, so thanks for that.
My Picks....
@Thosisd....Bags for Life Gag....great fun
@Mrkgrngr....Pigs Ears....too funny!!
@Bigger Piece....Bank-Si Moon...made me chuckle
@TurkeyNotTheBird...The Trump Geography Joke....They are long but I like your style!!
@Goalo....Liked your numbers and Jane Austen gag
@Ponderer...Dog walker gag
sorry if i missed anybody, it was quite a scroll.
The body clock oneliner was on the show pretty much verbatim, obviously a popular topic:
"Three scientists have won the Nobel Prize for research into the human body clock, they were unable to attend the ceremony because they all slept in"
Good luck and keep submitting!!
Quote: Thosisd @ 5th October 2017, 6:17 PM3. Concerns have been raised that so called 'bags for life' can cause food poisoning. To reduce the risk, shoppers are advised to not eat their bags.
Like it. 
Quote: Danno @ 5th October 2017, 8:03 PMA woman in Derbyshire has given birth in a Co-op car park: a spokesman for the food
retailer wanted to remind other expectant mothers that it also runs a home delivery service.
Strong. They'd probably use that most weeks. Surprising they rejected it.
The one I got accepted was:
Monarch goes bankrupt after losing £291m. Queen Elizabeth is now barred from all betting shops on the high street.
I noticed that they did shorten it slightly, but hey ho.
My rejected number crunchers were:
61 million: The revised estimated cost of renovating Big Ben.
30: The number of years Big Ben will have to be wound back because of Brexit.
Four: The number of new leaders appointed by Ukip in the past 12 months...
Five: The number of new leaders appointed by Ukip in the past 12 months...
5,000: The number of number crunchers submitted for this week's show.
0: The number we could be arsed to read out last week.
I just cannot get the knack of these at all.
Quote: Goalo @ 6th October 2017, 11:40 AMBREAKING NEWS:
1. Football news: shock defeat for Barcelona on Sunday after the Guardia Civil break in and confiscate 4 of their goals.2. Mixed reviews for Jane Austen online role-playing game: "it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man playing video games must be in need of a life"
3. Nobel Prize winning Body clock scientists sleep in and miss presentation ceremony.
All three really good. Didn't they read number three out, or one very similar?
So many one liners here and I liked them all to be honest.
I did a Big Ben one too but the one on here was better. Mine was from memory something like:
61 million - the increased cost of the repair bill for Big Ben.
10 - the number of the Downing Street house, in the garden of which Theresa May is growing another magic money tree to pay for it.
Donald Trump has been given a date for a state visit here but has turned it down as he's been told he will have to bend the knee before the queen.
Quote: Damian B" post="1180785" date="6th October 2017,Monarch goes bankrupt after losing £291m. Queen Elizabeth is now barred from all betting shops on the high street.
[quote name="Damian B @ 6th October 2017, 5:15 PM
Like it.
Strong. They'd probably use that most weeks. Surprising they rejected it.
The one I got accepted was:
Monarch goes bankrupt after losing £291m. Queen Elizabeth is now barred from all betting shops on the high street.
I noticed that they did shorten it slightly, but hey ho.
My rejected number crunchers were:
61 million: The revised estimated cost of renovating Big Ben.
30: The number of years Big Ben will have to be wound back because of Brexit.Four: The number of new leaders appointed by Ukip in the past 12 months...
Five: The number of new leaders appointed by Ukip in the past 12 months...5,000: The number of number crunchers submitted for this week's show.
0: The number we could be arsed to read out last week.I just cannot get the knack of these at all.
All three really good. Didn't they read number three out, or one very similar?
I liked all of these. Number crunchers good.
I was going to do a Monarch one on basis Ryanair boss predicted Monarch would not make it through winter and the queen being cross as she had got a flu jab but monarch crashed and I could not make it work. Your one is better.
Quote: Goalo @ 6th October 2017, 11:40 AMI like this one
This one is great
I liked these ones
these were good but maybe a bit long ( what do I know though)
This week's all fillers but no killers from me:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Football news: shock defeat for Barcelona on Sunday after the Guardia Civil break in and confiscate 4 of their goals.2. Mixed reviews for Jane Austen online role-playing game: "it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man playing video games must be in need of a life"
3. Nobel Prize winning Body clock scientists sleep in and miss presentation ceremony.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 80m: pounds per year the NHS is spending hiring private ambulances
999: number of times you have to call before one turns up2. 60m: cost of Monarch rescue flights
91: the age she's too old to go mountaineering.3. 41: percentage rise in the number of problem online gamblers since 2013
3-1: chance of that being higher next year. Bet in-play now.
Very much liked first three.
Quote: Danno @ 5th October 2017, 8:03 PMHere are my also-rans...
Following a surprise visit, actor, Russell Crow, has been filmed singing Sean Kingston's
'Beautiful Girls' to office workers in Harrogate who were left "suicidal suicidal when it was over".A woman in Derbyshire has given birth in a Co-op car park: a spokesman for the food
retailer wanted to remind other expectant mothers that it also runs a home delivery service.East Anglian weather forecaster told to 'man up' after wettest September in sixteen years
3: The trio of scientists awarded the Nobel Prize for their pioneering work in the study of body clocks.
2: The number of minutes into their acceptance speech before one had to sleep, one had to eat, and one had to dash to the toilet.9: The number of concerts cancelled by Marylin Manson after he was injured by a prop whilst performing in New York.
3: The number of times he was accidentally wheeled to the hospital mortuary.300 million: The amount tabled by chancellor Philip Hammond for rail improvements in the North of England.
300: The number of times he's had to look up 'North of England' on Google Earth
Really like 2 4 and 6
Quote: Ponderer @ 6th October 2017, 1:02 PMLiked these
Plus, wasn't your number 3 actually on the show? I thought there was one about the body clock scientists sleeping in?
A few from me:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Women in Saudi Arabia are now allowed to drive, but must still defer to a male when making all major decisions; pretty much like Theresa May and the Conservative Party, then.
2. In a bold attempt to set new standards in airline customer service, Monarch Airlines have declared themselves bankrupt stranding 110,000 passengers abroad - your move RyanAir!
3. A dog walker whose basset hound picked up an intact penis and testicles on a Somerset beach has admitted; 'he was always fond of a bonio'NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 110,000: the number of passengers stranded abroad by Monarch's bankruptcy. 100: the percentage of Monarch passengers who still prefer it to RyanAir
2. 23: The number of guns found with Stephen Paddock in his Mandalay Bay Snipers nest. 0: The number of Republican Senators who can see the link between easy access to automatic weapons and lots of people getting shot.
Bonio one funny . Can imagine the first four on the show.
Apologies for the ones I missed . I am starting to repeat myself and give feedback on same thing twice so better give up but it is interesting to read these.
My rejects:
1. After Catalan Independence clashes forced Barcelona to play their match behind closed doors, there is a new movement to create an independent, autonomous state in the region of Crystal Palace.
2. Prince Charles has said Monarch's collapse was the most disappointing news he'd heard since Freddie Mercury's death led to the demise of Queen.
3. Meghan Markle has denied mistaking Prince Harry for One Direction's Harry Styles, explaining she was introduced to him in person by Prince Will.I.Am.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 1 million - the number of chickens processed each year at the 2 Sisters poultry plant under investigation.
3 million - the number of chicken legs produced each year at the same plant.
2. 4am - the time at which it was announced that Monarch had collapsed.
5am - the time at which a disappointed Prince Charles went back to bed.
3. 1 - the number of lines in this joke.
I note skram (above) is from Exeter - that's at least 3 of us on here with (I think) Chris Hallam. Weird.
Anyway, my rejects this week - didn't even do any number crunchers:
1. Panicked commuters leave train near Wimbledon. Police said the passengers 'self-evacuated'; one replied 'I was scared but I wasn't THAT scared"
2. Michael Gove has suggested a "reward and return" scheme for recycling plastic bottles. An unpleasant and increasing blight on the country over the past few years, Mr Gove has been Environment Secretary for 4 months.
3. Theresa May pledges £10m help to buy boost. No-one realised Boosts were that expensive.
I loved number one. I just sniggered loudly on the train.
"self-evacuated" 
Just catching up with all these. Bloody hell, the standard is good. You could make a solid show of oneliners just from these that never even made the "nearly" stage, let alone all the people that submit but don't post on here. I'll stop berating myself for failures.
@Thosisd Thought the bags for life oneliner was v good
@Mrkgrngr Love the pigs wings oneliner
@Danno Really liked the home delivery oneliner and the bodyclock number cruncher
@Bigger Piece really like the Johnson poem one but the Plath joke might be too close to the knuckle for NJ! Not sure I quite get the references for the sketch, but may have missed the news story.
@TurkeyNotTheBird like the Puerto Rico one and number cruncher made me chuckle too
@Goalo Thought these were all strong, unlucky not to get on.
@Ponderer Favourites are 1 and 3 of the breaking newses. How did I miss the beach bollocks story??
@Damian B I thought the number crunchers were v good.
@BTF liked both of those
@skram Thought these were all strong, especially oneliners 1 & 3, and numbercruncher 1
@Exe Chris all v strong, especially first two
My rejects from last week:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Michael Gove has called for increased recycling of plastic bottles. The move would clean up beaches, protect marine life, and make it safer for the Environment Secretary to slither back into the ocean to spawn.
2. Theresa May has told interviewers she doesn't want a cabinet of "yes men". Instead she has five "Yes women", sixteen "Know-nothings" and one "No Boris, I said no, Boris... Oh for Christ's sake, Boris!"
3. Amber Rudd has accused technology giants of "patronising" politicians trying to regulate the industry. Ms Rudd had prepared a Powerpoint presentation on the topic, but resorted to her notes after it wouldn't go full-screen, the graphs had gone funny; and the clicky thing didn't work.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 2.2 million - number of voters in Catalonia's banned independence referendum;
100 million - people whose only interest is whether or not Barcelona will still be playing in the Spanish league for the release of Fifa 19.
2. 100 million - pounds forecast as loss for 2018, leading to the collapse of the Monarch airline;
17 - Number of gin and tonics in the VIP tent at Aintree, leading to the last time a Monarch collapsed.
And one I cut from this week as there were too many:
4. Gordon Strachan blamed Scotland's failure to qualify for the World Cup on "inferior genetics". He plans to clone Rob Roy with DNA extracted from a midge trapped in amber, saying it would "be easier than teaching that lot to defend a corner".
Quote: JonT @ 10th October 2017, 8:48 PMTheresa May has told interviewers she doesn't want a cabinet of "yes men". Instead she has five "Yes women", sixteen "Know-nothings" and one "No Boris, I said no, Boris... Oh for Christ's sake, Boris!"
Gordon Strachan blamed Scotland's failure to qualify for the World Cup on "inferior genetics". He plans to clone Rob Roy with DNA extracted from a midge trapped in amber, saying it would "be easier than teaching that lot to defend a corner".
Monarch/Queen betting was a great one! No joy so far this series, tho i did have fun writing this one for ep. 2
JANE AUSTEN BOOK PITCH:
ANGELA/INTRO: The new ten-pound note has been released with Jane Austen replacing Charles Darwin. Its many security features designed to discourage forgers include polymer construction and multiple holograms, though the most effective is the use of BREXIT to keep the pound plunging relative to every other currency. But could the author have been have been even more famous if only she'd listened to her publishers?
GRAMS: HARPSICHORD
PUBLISHER #1: So we're super excited about this new manuscript (BEAT) Pride & Prejudice.
PUBLISHER #2: Do you have a middle name, Jane?
JANE AUSTEN: No, though I've always liked the name Theresa.
PUBLISHER #1: J.T. Austen - has a nice ring.
PUBLISHER #1: Why don't you tell us about P & P like we've never read it.
PUBLISHER #2: Which we haven't.
JANE AUSTEN: It's about a young women called Lizzy...
PUBLISHER #1: Love. It.
JANE AUSTEN: ...who has a lively, playful disposition...
PUBLISHER #2: SEX-SAY!
JANE AUSTEN: ...and lives with her four sisters.
PUBLISHER #1: It's getting hot in here!
JANE AUSTEN: She's obsessed with this dark handsome man called Mister Darcy...
PUBLISHER #2: Phwoarrrr!
JANE AUSTEN: ...and he's into her too...
PUBLISHER #1: Somebody open a window!
JANE AUSTEN: ...but he maintains an aloof and frosty disposition towards her.
PUBLISHERS: (UNIMPRESSED) Hmmmm.
PUBLISHER #1: I get it! - they've already done it like jackrabbits on the first date and now it's awkward between them?
JANE AUSTEN: Heavens no! They most certainly have not 'done it'.
PUBLISHER #2: But if he likes her and knows she likes him I don't understand why Darcy's not gagging to bang this chick ASAP?
PUBLISHER #1: Unless... Darcy has a sexual predilection so deviant and perverse that he's afraid of scaring her off.
PUBLISHER #2: Now that would sell.
PUBLISHER #1: Is that how plays out, J.T.?
JANE AUSTEN: (HESITATES) Yes - though I should make it more explicit in the rewrite.
PUBLISHER #1: Great!
PUBLISHER #2: So what superpowers does Lizzy have?
JANE AUSTEN: (PERPLEXED) None.
PUBLISHER #2: Does she solve crimes?
JANE AUSTEN: No.
PUBLISHER #1: Can she time travel?
PUBLISHER #2: That could really open this world up.
PUBLISHER #1: Be great for the sequels.
JANE AUSTEN: She's not a time traveler!
PUBLISHER #2: Have you considered including a schoolboy with a magic wand?
JANE AUSTEN: Absolutely not!
PUBLISHER #1: Let's talk product placement.
PUBLISHER #2: What designer does Lizzy wear?
JANE AUSTEN: She makes her own clothes.
PUBLISHER #1: Does she play an instrument?
JANE AUSTEN: She plays the harp.
PUBLISHER #2: That's more like it.
PUBLISHER #1: Excellent commissions on harps.
PUBLISHER #2: Be sure to add a paragraph where she says how good the harp is...
PUBLISHER #1: And where she bought it...
PUBLISHER #2: And any multi-purchase discounts available...
PUBLISHER #1: There's another product I have in mind - something I could see a sassy gal with man trouble like Lizzy keeping in the dresser...
FX WINDING UP MECHANISM followed by GENTLE BUZZING
PUBLISHER #1: Technically it's called a 'dildo'.
PUBLISHER #2: But you should refer to it in the book as a 'neck massager'.
PUBLISHER #1: We're on to a winner here, J.T.
JANE AUSTEN: Enough! My name is Jane - not J.T. - and I refuse to make any of these ridiculous changes!
PUBLISHER #1: Have it your way, Jane.
PUBLISHER #2: But it won't sell nearly as well.
JANE AUSTEN: So be it. AND ONE MORE THING!
PUBLISHER #1: What's that?
JANE AUSTEN: (HUSHED) Can I keep the neck massager?
END
@ Eoin I really liked that, made me laugh. I can't remember what they used for the Jane Austen £10 story, maybe they had something tied a bit more firmly to the banknote news story. But because your sketch could stand alone from the news story you can reuse it. Sure it would work in different formats too.