Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 7

Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 30th September 2017, 11:37 AM

[quote name="Exe Chris" post="1180286" date="29th September 2017, 8:45 PM"]My 'efforts' this week:

3. Labour claims grown-up Brexit stance - as opposed to the Conservative's one which is 'stupid' and 'pooey'

Really good gag!

No joy for mine this week:

Reverend Richard Coles scores 17 in first round of Strictly Come Dancing. Judges tell him he must keep his Psalms flat.

Wind turbine stolen from Welsh village. No leads have yet been generated.

35,000: number of fans that attended an Elvis festival in South Wales.
10: number of fans that cancelled a trip to a nearby colliery due to suspicious mines.

View original

Liked these. Cannot see anything wrong with them. Just wondered if psalms which was witty might take too much thought to recall it is spelt like palms to get the full benefit of the joke.

Hi, been meaning to join in and post my rejects here but never got round to it. These were last week's:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. North Korea claims a hostile tweet from Donald Trump constitutes a declaration of war. A Korean conflict would severely stretch American forces, already at war with CNN, the FBI, the NFL, Meryl Streep, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rosie O'Donnell, Snoop Dogg and the Pope.

2. Labour focus groups admit new policies are based on misreading that across Europe there is a rising tide of nationalisation.

3. Australia has announced plans to establish a national space agency. Ideas include a reusable rocket using the latest boomerang technology, and a moon colony where they could send non-white immigrants.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 33% - proportion of schools currently in budget deficit;
45% - proportion of Conservative MPs who went to private school and don't have to care.

2. 23% - proportion of NFL players who did not stand for the US national anthem last weekend;
80% - proportion of British people who have an opinion on this, without knowing what NFL actually stands for.

And a sketch too, I think there was something in the idea but I couldn't quite get to the funny bits and was too pushed for time to tighten up the bits I had done. Any comments appreciated.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF POSTCARDS
ANGELA: Britain's oldest postcard publishers are set to close, blaming people's shift to sharing holiday pictures on social media for declining sales. No matter how good a photo of the Taj Mahal is, it's just not the same without a 19-year old doing a duck face in front of it. Now Newsjack presents a history of the humble postcard, with facts carefully researched by our crack team of one person spending 15 minutes on the wikipedia page for postcards.
GRAMS: Gentle documentary-style background music
NARRATOR: The first known postcard was sent in 1840 by the writer Theodore Hook, featuring a picture he'd painted himself, and posted to himself. That's the problem with young people in the 1840s, they're all so self-obsessed. But postcards really took off in the 1870s and 80s, when it became popular for tourists to send cards showing where they'd been and what they'd seen. As with any new technology, it usurped what had gone before.
MR GARFORTH: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Garforth's semaphore flag company is to shut down.
FX: GROANS
MR GARFORTH: We just can't compete with the postcard industry. Everyone's on p-mail, you simply have to be nowadays. They're going to the seaside, they're sending back pictures of sea creatures they've found on the beach. We have to face facts, no-one is using semaphore to send a shellfie.
NARRATOR: Like many new technologies, postcards provoked a moral panic, with no-one surprised that some of the most popular designs were pictures of nude women. To the further surprise of no-one, these were largely produced in France.
GRAMS: Accordion music
PIERRE: Our beautiful pictures of ze naked women are selling like 'ot brioche! But naked women will only appeal to half ze market, shall we now make pictures wiz ze naked men aussi?
JULES: Don't be disgusting Pierre! Zis is a respectable naughty postcard company, not a Diet Coke commercial! Zey will have to make do wiz squinting sideways at our uzzer popular design, ze Eiffel Tower!
NARRATOR: The early C20th saw the golden age of American postcards, culminating in the postcard craze of 1907-10, when people became obsessed with sending and receiving postcards.
JIM: We just don't seem to talk any more, Jackie-Sue. You've always got your head in a postcard.
JACKIE-SUE: You got something to say to me? Huh? Well write it on a goddamn postcard and shove it in your...letterbox, correctly addressed and stamped, and I'll read it when it gets here [shouting] COS THATS HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW!!!
NARRATOR: In the 1930s, saucy postcards featuring innuendos and bawdy stereotypes became highly popular, a surprisingly long-lasting fad that led to the Conservative government in the 1950s clamping down on the trade.
POLITICIAN 1: Order! As we sit here in the ruins of a bombed out city, much of our population left injured or bereaved by war, and rationing still in place, it's time to focus on the biggest problem facing our nation today: saucy postcards! [Hear, hear etc]
POLITICIAN 2: Hear! Hear! We need to give these filth-merchants a spanking! We're coming from behind on this, so need to get on top of it, get stuck in and start applying stiff penalties.
POLITICIAN 1: Get out!
NARRATOR: Postcards declined in popularity towards the end of the C20th, and the development of the internet dealt a heavy blow to the industry. For many people, the only time they ever now send a postcard is to an elderly relative who's not online.
GRANNY: Oh, now what's this in the post. A postcard from young Jason, how nice. He was off to Paris I think, now what's the picture of. Oh my gosh, the Eiffel Tower! Now this take me back....
END

Quote: JonT @ 3rd October 2017, 5:12 PM

Hi, been meaning to join in and post my rejects here but never got round to it. These were last week's:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. North Korea claims a hostile tweet from Donald Trump constitutes a declaration of war. A Korean conflict would severely stretch American forces, already at war with CNN, the FBI, the NFL, Meryl Streep, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rosie O'Donnell, Snoop Dogg and the Pope.

2. Labour focus groups admit new policies are based on misreading that across Europe there is a rising tide of nationalisation.

3. Australia has announced plans to establish a national space agency. Ideas include a reusable rocket using the latest boomerang technology, and a moon colony where they could send non-white immigrants.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 33% - proportion of schools currently in budget deficit;
45% - proportion of Conservative MPs who went to private school and don't have to care.

2. 23% - proportion of NFL players who did not stand for the US national anthem last weekend;
80% - proportion of British people who have an opinion on this, without knowing what NFL actually stands for.

And a sketch too, I think there was something in the idea but I couldn't quite get to the funny bits and was too pushed for time to tighten up the bits I had done. Any comments appreciated.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF POSTCARDS
ANGELA: Britain's oldest postcard publishers are set to close, blaming people's shift to sharing holiday pictures on social media for declining sales. No matter how good a photo of the Taj Mahal is, it's just not the same without a 19-year old doing a duck face in front of it. Now Newsjack presents a history of the humble postcard, with facts carefully researched by our crack team of one person spending 15 minutes on the wikipedia page for postcards.
GRAMS: Gentle documentary-style background music
NARRATOR: The first known postcard was sent in 1840 by the writer Theodore Hook, featuring a picture he'd painted himself, and posted to himself. That's the problem with young people in the 1840s, they're all so self-obsessed. But postcards really took off in the 1870s and 80s, when it became popular for tourists to send cards showing where they'd been and what they'd seen. As with any new technology, it usurped what had gone before.
MR GARFORTH: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Garforth's semaphore flag company is to shut down.
FX: GROANS
MR GARFORTH: We just can't compete with the postcard industry. Everyone's on p-mail, you simply have to be nowadays. They're going to the seaside, they're sending back pictures of sea creatures they've found on the beach. We have to face facts, no-one is using semaphore to send a shellfie.
NARRATOR: Like many new technologies, postcards provoked a moral panic, with no-one surprised that some of the most popular designs were pictures of nude women. To the further surprise of no-one, these were largely produced in France.
GRAMS: Accordion music
PIERRE: Our beautiful pictures of ze naked women are selling like 'ot brioche! But naked women will only appeal to half ze market, shall we now make pictures wiz ze naked men aussi?
JULES: Don't be disgusting Pierre! Zis is a respectable naughty postcard company, not a Diet Coke commercial! Zey will have to make do wiz squinting sideways at our uzzer popular design, ze Eiffel Tower!
NARRATOR: The early C20th saw the golden age of American postcards, culminating in the postcard craze of 1907-10, when people became obsessed with sending and receiving postcards.
JIM: We just don't seem to talk any more, Jackie-Sue. You've always got your head in a postcard.
JACKIE-SUE: You got something to say to me? Huh? Well write it on a goddamn postcard and shove it in your...letterbox, correctly addressed and stamped, and I'll read it when it gets here [shouting] COS THATS HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW!!!
NARRATOR: In the 1930s, saucy postcards featuring innuendos and bawdy stereotypes became highly popular, a surprisingly long-lasting fad that led to the Conservative government in the 1950s clamping down on the trade.
POLITICIAN 1: Order! As we sit here in the ruins of a bombed out city, much of our population left injured or bereaved by war, and rationing still in place, it's time to focus on the biggest problem facing our nation today: saucy postcards! [Hear, hear etc]
POLITICIAN 2: Hear! Hear! We need to give these filth-merchants a spanking! We're coming from behind on this, so need to get on top of it, get stuck in and start applying stiff penalties.
POLITICIAN 1: Get out!
NARRATOR: Postcards declined in popularity towards the end of the C20th, and the development of the internet dealt a heavy blow to the industry. For many people, the only time they ever now send a postcard is to an elderly relative who's not online.
GRANNY: Oh, now what's this in the post. A postcard from young Jason, how nice. He was off to Paris I think, now what's the picture of. Oh my gosh, the Eiffel Tower! Now this take me back....
END

View original

Hi
I really liked the postcard narrator premise. I found it a bit different and refreshing. Really liked the French men part.
I wondered if semaphore is widely understood?
I wondered if the sketch was too long and wordy maybe. Like you said, you didn't have time to tighten it up. I like the Granny bit at the end but maybe a stronger ending if you had more time, would be good. I find strong endings very hard. Some of the narration maybe could be cut out as being more about postcard info than jokes or setting up a joke. I think if it was tightened up with more jokes it could sound really good on radio.

the newsjack video guides are always helpful...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p015d8nr

Quote: JonT @ 3rd October 2017, 5:12 PM

Hi, been meaning to join in and post my rejects here but never got round to it.

{SNIP}

And a sketch too, I think there was something in the idea but I couldn't quite get to the funny bits and was too pushed for time to tighten up the bits I had done. Any comments appreciated.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF POSTCARDS

View original

I liked the sketch.

I thought the different scenes worked quite well as an amusing historical survey of the topic.

Had you been able to refine it, you may well have thrown in an "Order! Order!" as an exit to the scene with the politicians.

I've never been able to think beyond the two- or three-handed dialogue ping-pong format, so it's given me food for thought as well.

Is there a school of thought on writing accents?

I haven't seen an 'Allo 'Allo script, but I wonder if a wryly like "(Comedy French Accent)" at the start of the character's first speech block is enough to indicate the style, thereby allowing the lines to be written in standard English?

Cheers folks, appreciate the feedback! Definitely needed more work than I had time to put into it, but if they like the premise NJ have sometimes taken sketches on and rewritten them. No luck this time though!

Yes good idea about accents Bigger Piece. I wrote a sketch, last week, which got nowhere, on Cromwell invading and abolishing the House of Lords. The cleaner opens the door of the Lords and has a different accent to Cromwell. I ended up writing each word as she would say it. I couldn't think of a way to say 'comedy......accent'. I have been a cleaner myself in my time so don't want to be too stereotypical!

Here's this week's misses:

1. Methane emissions from cattle found to be higher than previously believed. Scientists link the discovery to a severe case of Irritable Cow Syndrome.

 2. The cast of the new Charlie's Angels movie have been found. Charlie is said to be relieved and will be more careful in the future.

3. Concerns have been raised that so called 'bags for life' can cause food poisoning. To reduce the risk, shoppers are advised to not eat their bags. 

1. 2 - the number of times you are advised to sing Happy Birthday when washing your hands.

4 - the average age of a person willing to take this advice. ?

2. 3 - the number of scientists awarded the Nobel prize for their study on human body clocks.

7 - the number of times I snooze my alarm clock each morning before my body will function.?

Quote: Thosisd @ 5th October 2017, 6:17 PM

Here's this week's misses:

3. Concerns have been raised that so called 'bags for life' can cause food poisoning. To reduce the risk, shoppers are advised to not eat their bags. 

View original

Love this one.

I know these aren't all gold, but I was happy with the Breaking News gags. Let me know what you think.

BREAKING NEWS:

Michael Gove says an advantage of Brexit is Britain will be able to export more pigs ears. The day there are any advantages to Brexit at all, we'll be able to export pigs wings as well.

Michael Gove claims brexit will be a green brexit. Because it makes everybody sick.

Andrea Leadsom has described Boris Johnson as fantastic. Somebody should tell her it's pronounced fascistic.

NUMBER CRUNCHERS

110,000: Holiday makers stranded overseas after Monarch Airlines went bankrupt.
110,000: Holidaymakers who want to stay overseas following the Conservative party conference

About 100: Things Michael Gove blamed the EU for in his speech at the Conservative party conference.
0: Experts he consulted to find this information.

30%: Amount of people who haven't taken cash out of an ATM in the last week.
30%: Amount of people who just don't have any money.

Here are my also-rans...

Following a surprise visit, actor, Russell Crow, has been filmed singing Sean Kingston's
'Beautiful Girls' to office workers in Harrogate who were left "suicidal suicidal when it was over".

A woman in Derbyshire has given birth in a Co-op car park: a spokesman for the food
retailer wanted to remind other expectant mothers that it also runs a home delivery service.

East Anglian weather forecaster told to 'man up' after wettest September in sixteen years

3: The trio of scientists awarded the Nobel Prize for their pioneering work in the study of body clocks.
2: The number of minutes into their acceptance speech before one had to sleep, one had to eat, and one had to dash to the toilet.

9: The number of concerts cancelled by Marylin Manson after he was injured by a prop whilst performing in New York.
3: The number of times he was accidentally wheeled to the hospital mortuary.

300 million: The amount tabled by chancellor Philip Hammond for rail improvements in the North of England.
300: The number of times he's had to look up 'North of England' on Google Earth

Quote: Danno @ 5th October 2017, 8:03 PM

Here are my also-rans...

Following a surprise visit, actor, Russell Crow, has been filmed singing Sean Kingston's
'Beautiful Girls' to office workers in Harrogate who were left "suicidal suicidal when it was over".

A woman in Derbyshire has given birth in a Co-op car park: a spokesman for the food
retailer wanted to remind other expectant mothers that it also runs a home delivery service.

East Anglian weather forecaster told to 'man up' after wettest September in sixteen years

3: The trio of scientists awarded the Nobel Prize for their pioneering work in the study of body clocks.
2: The number of minutes into their acceptance speech before one had to sleep, one had to eat, and one had to dash to the toilet.

9: The number of concerts cancelled by Marylin Manson after he was injured by a prop whilst performing in New York.
3: The number of times he was accidentally wheeled to the hospital mortuary.

300 million: The amount tabled by chancellor Philip Hammond for rail improvements in the North of England.
300: The number of times he's had to look up 'North of England' on Google Earth

View original

My favourites were second fourth fifth sixth..bet first is funny if you know the song.

Quote: Mrkgrngr @ 5th October 2017, 6:38 PM

Love this one.

I know these aren't all gold, but I was happy with the Breaking News gags. Let me know what you think.

BREAKING NEWS:

Michael Gove says an advantage of Brexit is Britain will be able to export more pigs ears. The day there are any advantages to Brexit at all, we'll be able to export pigs wings as well.

Michael Gove claims brexit will be a green brexit. Because it makes everybody sick.

Andrea Leadsom has described Boris Johnson as fantastic. Somebody should tell her it's pronounced fascistic.

NUMBER CRUNCHERS

110,000: Holiday makers stranded overseas after Monarch Airlines went bankrupt.
110,000: Holidaymakers who want to stay overseas following the Conservative party conference

About 100: Things Michael Gove blamed the EU for in his speech at the Conservative party conference.
0: Experts he consulted to find this information.

30%: Amount of people who haven't taken cash out of an ATM in the last week.
30%: Amount of people who just don't have any money.

View original

Can see some of these on the show . First three are ones I prefer.

Quote: Thosisd @ 5th October 2017, 6:17 PM

Here's this week's misses:

1. Methane emissions from cattle found to be higher than previously believed. Scientists link the discovery to a severe case of Irritable Cow Syndrome.

 2. The cast of the new Charlie's Angels movie have been found. Charlie is said to be relieved and will be more careful in the future.

3. Concerns have been raised that so called 'bags for life' can cause food poisoning. To reduce the risk, shoppers are advised to not eat their bags. 

1. 2 - the number of times you are advised to sing Happy Birthday when washing your hands.

4 - the average age of a person willing to take this advice. ?

2. 3 - the number of scientists awarded the Nobel prize for their study on human body clocks.

7 - the number of times I snooze my alarm clock each morning before my body will function.?

View original

Thought 3 funny in particular.

This week's bin-fodder:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. As two new Banksy works appeared near London's Barbican, former UN graffiti secretary, Bank-Si Moon, said "I might paint on walls, but Trump and Brexit, yeah?"

2. Yesterday at the Tory party conference, Theresa May reminded delegates of the government's commitment to combatting knife crime, especially in the back.

3. After citing a Kipling poem in Myanmar, Boris Johnson quoted Betjeman in Slough today and is expected to read from Sylvia Plath when he addresses British Gas bosses tomorrow.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. Three: The number of Kardashian sisters reported to be pregnant.
Zero: The amount of rubber found amid all that silicon.

2. Two: The number of oversized guns that fell on shock-rocker Marilyn Manson.
One: lesson learned about the centre of gravity and climbing stage props, so please stop ribbing him.

3. Five hundred million: The global box-office takings, in dollars, of Stephen King's It.
Two: The spare sets of underwear cinema-goers are advised to take to this scary film.

DIRTY LAUNDRY

GRAMS: NIRVANA: SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

FX: SNIFFING

ANDY: Nope, not these ...

VIV: What're you doing in the laundry basket?

FX: SNIFFING AND LAUNDRY RUMMAGING

ANDY: Trying to find a pair of pants ...

VIV: Pants? Why do you want pants? Oh, well look, never mind, I'll just design a new pair and make them for you.
(beat)
Let me give you a quick measure.

ANDY: Ooh! The metal on the end of your tape measure's a bit cold!

VIV: (mutters) Thirty four ... and that's, what ... eight ... no, let's say nine ...

FX: SCISSORS CUTTING MATERIAL
FX: SEWING MACHINE

VIV: Right, try these.

ANDY: Great, perfect fit ... oh that bit's a bit floppy

VIV: It's supposed to be! It's a man tube: it's my radical new design. Anyway, give me five hundred quid for your new Dame Vivien Westwood Designer underpants.

FX: COUNTNG PAPER MONEY

ANDY: ... four hundred, four-hundred; five hundred.

VIV: Anyway, why were you sniffing for clean undies? You should do what I do, and just wear your undies in the bath. I have a bath every week and do my smalls at the same time.

ANDY: I do usually, but I'm in a bit of a hurry and I'm not due another wash for thirty days.

VIV: Tell you what then, let's take put the sun roof down and drive through the carwash.

FX: HUGE FABRIC RIP

ENDS

Quote: Bigger Piece @ 5th October 2017, 10:56 PM

This week's bin-fodder:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. As two new Banksy works appeared near London's Barbican, former UN graffiti secretary, Bank-Si Moon, said "I might paint on walls, but Trump and Brexit, yeah?"

2. Yesterday at the Tory party conference, Theresa May reminded delegates of the government's commitment to combatting knife crime, especially in the back.

3. After citing a Kipling poem in Myanmar, Boris Johnson quoted Betjeman in Slough today and is expected to read from Sylvia Plath when he addresses British Gas bosses tomorrow.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. Three: The number of Kardashian sisters reported to be pregnant.
Zero: The amount of rubber found amid all that silicon.

2. Two: The number of oversized guns that fell on shock-rocker Marilyn Manson.
One: lesson learned about the centre of gravity and climbing stage props, so please stop ribbing him.

3. Five hundred million: The global box-office takings, in dollars, of Stephen King's It.
Two: The spare sets of underwear cinema-goers are advised to take to this scary film.

DIRTY LAUNDRY

GRAMS: NIRVANA: SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

FX: SNIFFING

ANDY: Nope, not these ...

VIV: What're you doing in the laundry basket?

FX: SNIFFING AND LAUNDRY RUMMAGING

ANDY: Trying to find a pair of pants ...

VIV: Pants? Why do you want pants? Oh, well look, never mind, I'll just design a new pair and make them for you.
(beat)
Let me give you a quick measure.

ANDY: Ooh! The metal on the end of your tape measure's a bit cold!

VIV: (mutters) Thirty four ... and that's, what ... eight ... no, let's say nine ...
FX: SCISSORS CUTTING MATERIAL
FX: SEWING MACHINE

VIV: Right, try these.

ANDY: Great, perfect fit ... oh that bit's a bit floppy

VIV: It's supposed to be! It's a man tube: it's my radical new design. Anyway, give me five hundred quid for your new Dame Vivien Westwood Designer underpants.

FX: COUNTNG PAPER MONEY

ANDY: ... four hundred, four-hundred; five hundred.

VIV: Anyway, why were you sniffing for clean undies? You should do what I do, and just wear your undies in the bath. I have a bath every week and do my smalls at the same time.

ANDY: I do usually, but I'm in a bit of a hurry and I'm not due another wash for thirty days.

VIV: Tell you what then, let's take put the sun roof down and drive through the carwash.

FX: HUGE FABRIC RIP

ENDS

View original

Really enjoyed the second Breaking News and the Number Crunches

First time I have submitted something to the show, didn't get the email so these "gems" get to live out their lives on this thread

BREAKING NEWS
1. After criticism of a Good Morning Britain interview in which Mariah Carey lounged across a sofa while offering her views on the unfolding Las Vegas attacks, ITV executives confirm that they are looking into having Piers Morgan conduct all future interviews from the naughty chair.

2. After having discovered this week that Puerto Rico is "an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water", aides have said President Trump's geography lessons are coming along well, but that the President is still struggling with the revelations that Turkey is not a big big bird and Narnia is not a sovereign nation.

3. During his conference speech, Phillip Hammond labelled Jeremy Corbyn a "clear and present danger to prosperity" and compared Labour policies to those in Cuba and Venezuela; pressed for a comment Corbyn's office stated that he was confused by the compliment but appreciated the shout-out to his posse.

NUMBER CRUNCHING (only had the one)

1: The number of aged philandering editors of iconic publications reported dead this week.
56,000: Number of calls the FCO has received this week inquiring about the well-being of Boris Johnson.

Quote: Mrkgrngr @ 5th October 2017, 6:38 PM

Michael Gove says an advantage of Brexit is Britain will be able to export more pigs ears. The day there are any advantages to Brexit at all, we'll be able to export pigs wings as well.

View original

I like this one

Quote: Danno @ 5th October 2017, 8:03 PM

A woman in Derbyshire has given birth in a Co-op car park: a spokesman for the food
retailer wanted to remind other expectant mothers that it also runs a home delivery service.

View original

This one is great

Quote: Bigger Piece @ 5th October 2017, 10:56 PM

BREAKING NEWS:

2. Yesterday at the Tory party conference, Theresa May reminded delegates of the government's commitment to combatting knife crime, especially in the back.

3. After citing a Kipling poem in Myanmar, Boris Johnson quoted Betjeman in Slough today and is expected to read from Sylvia Plath when he addresses British Gas bosses tomorrow.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. Three: The number of Kardashian sisters reported to be pregnant.
Zero: The amount of rubber found amid all that silicon.

View original

I liked these ones

Quote: TurkeyNotTheBird @ 6th October 2017, 7:26 AM

2. After having discovered this week that Puerto Rico is "an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water", aides have said President Trump's geography lessons are coming along well, but that the President is still struggling with the revelations that Turkey is not a big big bird and Narnia is not a sovereign nation.

3. During his conference speech, Phillip Hammond labelled Jeremy Corbyn a "clear and present danger to prosperity" and compared Labour policies to those in Cuba and Venezuela; pressed for a comment Corbyn's office stated that he was confused by the compliment but appreciated the shout-out to his posse.

View original

these were good but maybe a bit long ( what do I know though)

This week's all fillers but no killers from me:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Football news: shock defeat for Barcelona on Sunday after the Guardia Civil break in and confiscate 4 of their goals.

2. Mixed reviews for Jane Austen online role-playing game: "it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man playing video games must be in need of a life"

3. Nobel Prize winning Body clock scientists sleep in and miss presentation ceremony.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 80m: pounds per year the NHS is spending hiring private ambulances
999: number of times you have to call before one turns up

2. 60m: cost of Monarch rescue flights
91: the age she's too old to go mountaineering.

3. 41: percentage rise in the number of problem online gamblers since 2013
3-1: chance of that being higher next year. Bet in-play now.

Goalo: loved the Jane Austen quip!