Sitcom for critique

Hello everyone have the opening scenes of a new sitcom I'm working on called The Tragic Comic Conspiracy Files. Your feedback is appreciated and much anticipated.

Brief Summary Of sitcom
The Tragic Comic Conspiracy Files is a sitcom about a character named Leon(Early 30's).Who is still living at home with his rather overbearing mother Sylvia (Mid 50's). He works a dead end job in a music shop with his friends Eric (Early 30's) and Jade (Mid 20's). Leon in many ways is a child locked in an adult's body. This leads him to act impulsively to situations coursing chaos whenever obstacles arise in his life.

Ep 1- File 1256. Piece of Cake
Sadly the day is here again. The day that Leon most fears. His mothers birthday. With little money to get her that expensive present she wishes for. Leon's exploits to resolve the situation lead him to some rather unsavoury situations, a run in with the law and a rather nasty piece of birthday cake.

Main critique points
Do you think that the opening scene is to dark? Would it be better removed altogether, starting from the second or third scene? What do you think of the lines? Are they funny? Do some of them need to be cut or changed?Are there any grammar or punctuation mistakes? Does it have potential and Is it worth carrying on with overall? And of course any other points that would improve my writing.

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE - NIGHT.
We see Leon (Early 30's) strapped to a wooden chair with his eyes closed. The room is badly lit by a single light hanging from the middle of the ceiling. In front of him is a long table covered with rotting meat that is infested with flies and maggots.

In the middle of the table is a rather dirty looking birthday cake. Lying next to it is a chainsaw. Seated at the far end of the table is Leon's mother Sylvia (Early 50's). She looks like she's been dead for quite sometime. She has a party hat on and a white banner rapped around her, with red writing (Possibly Blood) saying birthday girl.

Sitting around her are three rather unhinged looking individuals. A man (Mid 50's) a woman (mid 40's) and a younger man (Early 20's). While they are alive Riga mortise looks like it has set in.They look to be members of an American Hillbilly family. Leon's eyes slowly start to open.

LEON
Who are you guys? (Leans forward squinting) Mother is that you? What have you done to her? (Pause) I must say you've worked wonders.

OLDER CORPSE
Shut your goddamn face boy. Now bring out the presents Sharleen.

The woman walks out of the room then back in holding some presents. She passes them to the older man. Who starts to feel them.

LEON
Do we all get a feel?

He opens up a present revelling a severed leg.

YOUNGER CORPSE
Look it's a severed leg.

LEON
I don't remember seeing that on her birthday list. I think maybe we should return it back to its rightful owner. Is there a receipt?

The older man looks inside the wrapping paper confused. He starts to shake it then looks at the other two.

LEON (CONT'D)
Trust me she'll be down the charity shop with it first thing tomorrow morning.

All three of them look at one another strangely. The older man starts to open the next present. It's another severed leg.

LEON (CONT'D)
It's another severed leg. She now has the set.

The younger man starts to open up the next present.

LEON (CONT'D)
Professor Plum, in the Billiard room with the chainsaw, . Anyone else like to take a wild stab in the dark?

They all look at him smiling.

LEON (CONT'D)
I think I should be more careful with how I phrase things.

He opens up the present. This time it's a severed arm.

LEON (CONT'D)
It's a severed arm. Yep, I think we can see where this is going.

YOUNGER CORPSE
(Looking at female corpse) That's the last of the present's mah.

He starts to rummage through the wrapping paper.

YOUNGER CORPSE (CONT'D)
There's no right arm. (Pointing at Leon) There it is.

OLDER CORPSE
Time to give you're mother her birthday present Son.

LEON
No thanks dad. What if I gave her a big wet birthday kiss instead?

He slowly shakes his head at him. Leon starts to panic. He pulls out his phone and starts to fumble about with it.

LEON (CONT'D)
I'm just visiting fake Body Parts dotcom right now. Hope next day delivery will be OK?

OLDER CORPSE
She don't want no fake shit. She wants the real thing.

LEON
Maybe we should take her silence as a no?

OLDER CORPSE
I say we should take her silence as a yes.

The older man grabs the chainsaw off of the table and starts to walk towards Leon.

LEON
You're going to make an awful mess cutting the cake with that.

INT. LEON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Leon wakes up, shooting bolt right up in bed. At the foot of the bed is a strange figure wearing a black robe with a hood up.

LEON
Off out to bingo again mum?

The figure raises its right arm and points at Leon.

HOODED FIGURE
(Deep voice) Cake!

LEON
Bit late for a word association game isn't it?

HOODED FIGURE
(Deep voice) Cake!

LEON
Remember shoulders back, chin forward and really project what your saying across the room. You'll never get that baritone voice you've always desired.

HOODED FIGURE
(Deeper voice) Cake!

LEON
There you go. With a little more practice you'll be filling the Royal Opera House to the rafters.

The figure turns around and opens the bedroom door.

LEON (CONT'D)
Remember practice makes perfect. And what does perfect make?

The figure turns around to face Leon.

HOODED FIGURE
(Deep voice) Cake!

LEON
That's right mother, a big delicious cake. I was going to say millions, but there you go. See you in the morning you mad cow.

The figure closes the door and leaves.

INT. LEON'S MOTHERS HOUSE KITCHEN/ROOM - DAY
Leon is standing on a chair and looking through a cupboard. There are coffee cups out everywhere.

LEON
Have you seen my cup?

SYLVIA (O.V)
What, the one you won for being a mother's biggest disappointment, engraved Leon Thomason born July 12th 1985?

Leon looks annoyed.

LEON
No my favourite cup.

SYLVIA (O.V)
Why do you want that old thing for? No one should ever have to rap their lips around that.

LEON
The same could be said about you.

SYLVIA (O.V)
I heard that.

INTERCUT:

Leon's mother is sitting in the front room eating her breakfast and drinking coffee. Leon pops his head around the front room door.

LEON
Surely you must have noticed that when I have a coffee its always out of my favourite cup?

SYLVIA
You don't think I notice more concerning things. Like my only son is yet to give me grandchildren. He leaves everyday to go to a dead end job and at thirty-two he's still living at home with his mother.

LEON
When you say it like that it does sound a little tragic. Strange, it never sounds quite as bad in my head with all the excuses attached.

She looks toward the room door but Leon has disappeared.

INTERCUT:

Leon is back on the chair again, looking for his cup.

SYLVIA (O.V)
Anyway are you going to be here tonight?

LEON
(Looking confused) Why?

SYLVIA (O.V)
It's my birthday.

LEON
(Mutters) Birthday? So that was what the dream was about last night. And another thing, I would appreciate it if you could refrain from coming into my bedroom, wearing strange clothes and mumbling strange gibberish at me. Leave that to the daytime please.

SYLVIA
I was never in your room last night.

LEON
(Annoyed) Robe, hood, repeatedly mumbling the word cake at me?

SYLVIA
O that reminds me. I must pick up a birthday cake from town today.

Leon shakes his head.

SYLVIA (CONT'D) (O.V)
I'm having friends and family over for a meal to celebrate. It'll give you a chance to meet my new boyfriend.

LEON
I met him last week.

SYLVIA (O.V)
My new boyfriend!

Leon shakes his head.

SYLVIA (CONT'D) (O.V)
You're late for work. It's just gone ten past nine.

LEON
You could have told me. Thanks.

Leon starts to pull all the cups out of the cupboard quickly. At the back is his orange cup.

SYLVIA (O.V)
I presume I'm going to receive my present tonight, am I? (Looking devious) I hope you've got me something nice and expensive Leon?

Leon starts to look worried. He holds up his orange cup and looks at it strangely. He starts to rotate it in his fingers. It reads a mother's biggest disappointment Leon Thomason born July 12th 1985.

His mother walks through into the kitchen holding her coffee cup and breakfast plate. She walks past Leon and smiles at him. Leon looks at the cup again. Then at his mother confused.

END OF SCRIPT

First off just call it " the tragic"
Ep 1 he has no money very shakey without play off i imagine u should make his mum rich he cant get his rich mum a rich gift wd money she gives me cause its her money "

Cant get past second paragraph this dark comedy cross horror not my area all the best with it

INT. DINNING ROOM/DREAM SEQUENCE - NIGHT.
We see Leon (Early 30's) strapped to a wooden chair with his eyes closed.
"Mah i was gonna get u a better gift swear i was , why am i blindfolded

Your the one who pays me get me out of this chair.
" thats the direction i would take it give his mum a chainsaw if u want but eww moments like maggots ect are 70s 80s type stuff

Stay away from 70s 80s eww that not laugh anymore and modernisation i see reference to twitter in there stay away from that to be inbetween life

I see u use pera thials , but in wrong places to add humor
SYLVIA
I was never in your room last night.
(Head twitches )
I always bide by your no female policy rule.

Not direct enough also watch how i write it
SYLVIA (O.V)
I presume I'm going to receive my present tonight. I hope you've got me something nice and expensive.

SYLVIA (O.V)
Am i going to receive my present tonight, or not?
I hope you've got me something nice and expensive?

Your talking not how people talk

Quote: comedywriter dude @ 4th October 2017, 3:45 PM

Your talking not how people talk

View original

Well they don't talk in text speak.

I'll translate that for you.

Thy don talk txt spk.

Do you understand that?

Comedywriter dude - the Writer bits a joke right? lol

You say you struggled to get through the first few paragraphs. Well I struggled to get through the first few words in your post. When I finally did decode what your had wrote most of it doesn't make any sense anyway. Stay away from maggots (70's/80's) didn't realize you didn't get flies and maggots after the 80's someone must of whipped them all out right? You say people don't talk like that. that's because it's a work of fiction, a sitcom.You say that his mother should be rich. Where would the conflict come from. She could already buy anything she wants. I cant see how you could make that into a plot, plus in Britain we like down and outs. The only thing I agree with you on is the line of dialogue that's out of place. It was a last minute thought and maybe I should of left it out.

Word of advice. While it's annoying that you post comments in text. The fact that you post your comedy in the same way baffles me. How on earth do you expect anyone to take you seriously.

Look your probably a really nice guy but please for the love of God can you stop posting using your phone.

Edit - looking at some of your point's again. Once I could understand them some are in fairness true. There are places where what I'm trying to say isn't clear.

What's that you've lost your phone. Three cheers everyone.

Thanks.

The basic dream sequence works, and the way he switches from one horror cliche situation to a similar setup where he calmly assumes it's his mother is an engaging intro which could be very funny with the right direction

But the dialogue does need to be snappier.

"I must say you've worked wonders" is much better as the punchline than something about friending on Facebook. (All the references to the internet feels a bit 90s!)

I don't really get how your family of ghouls are supposed to come across either (Anyone that says "she don't want no fake shit" says "Ain't that right, ma?" not "Isn't that right Mrs Thomason?"), and I'm not sure whether the implied accents go with the horror vibe in the first place.

Descriptions could be shorter too, especially since comedy script readers are lazier than movie script readers. The following conveys your opening few lines in fewer words and puts more emphasis on the comic elements.

LEON (EARLY 30s), IS STRAPPED TO A WOODEN THRONE, EYES SHUT. IN FRONT OF HIM IS A TABLE OF ROTTING, MAGGOT INFESTED MEAT. AND A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

Writing is rewriting

Hello enigmatic,

Good point with dialogue not being snappy enough. I point this out to other people with their work and yet here I am doing it myself. Too many lines was one of my worry's (Maybe I'm trying to compensate for something subconsciously) Ironic that someone else gave me praise about my snappy lines on a superhero sitcom I wrote about three or four pages back.

Another thing I say to people is cut down on the descriptive its not a Comedy drama your writing. Funny how you see this in others work and not your own. Plus the fact that its one of my pet hates when reading others work. So your second pair of eyes have been very helpful on those two points.

The idea of the ghouls (the Hillbilly family ) came from playing the video game Resident Evil 7. People seemed to love the start of the game with this family and I also found it quite amusing, which in turn is a rip off of the film the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The dialogue of going in and out of character needs to be looked at or cut out. thanks for pointing that out.

Those internet lines can be changed or removed.

I'm wondering if you didn't find the the first dream sequence to dark as the episode on a whole isn't really horror. I thought it might put production companies/TV Channels off?

Thanks for commenting.

Quote: comedywriter dude @ 4th October 2017, 3:45 PM

Your talking not how people talk

View original

The irony here is glorious.

I hate to tell you this, Kealy, but dream sequences are very corny, and production companies don't like them. To start with one is the kiss of death, to be honest, particularly as it's so long. You must also try and sort out your spelling and grammar. It's not "should of, would of" done something, but should have or would have. And it's dining room, not dinning room - although that may depend of how noisily you eat.

To be honest I saw the first sequence more as Shaun of the Dead style slightly-silly horror than darkness. Can't comment on Resident Evil as I haven't played it!

Think as a start of a pilot episode it's much more likely to interest people than a man arguing with his mother (think production companies have read a few more of those scripts...). Though it probably does need tying into the character's hyperactive imagination, the mother's weirdness or some other silly horror-related element later on to work overall.

Same goes for the internet lines: if his mother having weird internet friends is a plot point then that one can stay in, but don't think the internet's enough of an intriguing novelty to warrant references to Facebook or SecondHandShop Dot Com

bah , pick on me if you want kick but in stand up and grammar can be fixed. Infact I have alot of contacts and I've seen this type of writing before great concept, but poised the writer is jewish. I helped him or her very much so.
This is poised early writing jewish style (before they come out of there shell), I was just trying to break him out of it.
Could spot it a mile away.

Quote: Chappers @ 4th October 2017, 4:28 PM

Well they don't talk in text speak.

I'll translate that for you.

Thy don talk txt spk.

Do you understand that?

View original

28,334 posts, Glad to be a part of it Chapper

I really didnt want to write that, but you be goin at me on a few posts now, don't be fooled. Grammer mistakes yes "but silly not i be", You will Fail

Quote: Chappers @ 4th October 2017, 4:28 PM

Well they don't talk in text speak.

I'll translate that for you.

Thy don talk txt spk.

Do you understand that?

View original

Strike me down, I am unarmed, and your journey towards 28,336 posts will be complete!

Hi, Everyone, thanks for commenting.

beaky,

Your points reminded me of a documentary I watched on Black Adder. Richard Curtis said the scene he was least proud of was the dream sequence in the Dr. Johnson episode in Black Adders Study. (Favourite sitcom of all time) I already make sure to stay away from flashbacks in my work. So I should have known better. I think what I was trying to do was look for away to grab people's attention with the opening scene. The first scene originally was the scene with him arguing with his mother. Thanks for pointing out the grammar mistakes. I hold my red face in shame. But I need to be told.

enigmatic,

I saw the scene in a very similar way, maybe with some funny birthday music playing in the background to offset the dark humour. Your right that productions companies probably get scenes with characters arguing with their mother quite often. Maybe I need to think of a new opening scene, if I can't make the horror scene work with out having to resort to a dream sequence.

She doesn't have weird Internet friends it was more of just a throw away line.

In the future I may be better of posting a full sitcom in PDF via a link to another website. Then you get the whole plot and can understand what I am trying to achieve.

comedytexter dude,

Some of your points were good. I think I said that at the end of my post. Trust me no ones picking on you. (Alright maybe Chappers ) Its just frustrating when we cant understand what you are trying to say and this is coming from someone who's a terrible speller myself. I'd hate you to stop posting because of how you feel your being treated.

Word of advice, maybe stop posting so much stuff in the showcase thread. You really need to put some thought into your work and now you present it. Take a look back through the posts and see how others present their work.

would be keen to read more about what happens to the character etc

From this scene he came across as a wise cracking pain so I didn't really warm to him.

I would like to know what his hopes and dreams are and how they will be dashed in your sitcom

Hi James,

The scenes do come across as wise cracking. The first two scenes are no longer in the sitcom. I might post the whole thing as a PDF File at some point. It might be awhile as I'm working on a superhero sitcom that I feel is going better. I think I'm going to leave this one until the other is finished.

Thanks for commenting.