Nabbit - really enjoyed the jokes, I suspect they'd be wary legally of anything involving the Mark Sampson allegations though, and it could well be that they'd cross it off on those grounds.
Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 5
@BTF...Highly imaginative!! My main bugbear is the personification, the characters of Trump and Kim Jong-un are crazy enough without invoking them into a pot and kettle so I think it might be one step too far? I actually saw it in my head as a cartoon. I bet you had a lot of fun writing it?
Ok here's mine. Just had confirmation that it was number one which was scripted and cut. Apparently went down well but was lost for time.
1. After being forced to rebrand, the company behind 'John Lemon' lemonade have announced they are playing it safe with their new product, Juice Springsteen.
2. Katie Price has shut down rumours that she was cheated on by Peter Andre. This follows reports that he often spoke of a mysterious girl.
3. Rio Ferdinand has announced he is excited for his first professional fight despite the fact he is yet to apply for a boxing licence. In other news, I can't wait to pilot my first flight for Ryanair.
1. 5000 - the amount of pounds paid at auction for a pair of Adolf Hitler's underpants.
76 - the amount of pounds Donald Trump needs to lose before he can fit into them.
2. 5000 - the amount of pounds paid at auction for a pair of Adolf Hitler's underpants.
1 - the number of pairs still believed to be held at the Albert Hall.
3. 1 - the number of Brides who interrupted their own wedding to support an anti-Brexit protest.
100% - the likelihood that this is a couple who will remain together.
Quote: Stobbart42 @ 29th September 2017, 12:54 AMHere are my rejects for week 3:
Feedback gratefully received.1. The Kurds have come out in large numbers to vote for independence. There were celebrations in the street as they finally got to vote for their own shelf away from the Jams and the Marmalades.
2. It has been announced that Bruce Willis will return as John Mclane for a Die Hard prequel. Matt Damon is set to co-star in the film, entitled Bourne Hard.
3. Japan's prime minister Shinzo Abe has called for a snap election. Ouch!
I liked the word-play #1, although I think the Kurds would need to be accompanied, if not preceded by a lemon, for the joke to really work, although this ins't quite my preserve ...
Is #2 too risque (does it have anything to do with the recent pop bitch rumour about a male actor seen peforming solo ... ?)
I didn't gt #3 at all: is it obscure, or is it me?
Quote: Bigger Piece @ 29th September 2017, 12:16 PMI didn't gt #3 at all: is it obscure, or is it me?
How would a Japanese man pronounce erection?
Quote: nabbit @ 29th September 2017, 9:54 AMI was quite please with this sketch as I though there were a lot of jokes in it. See what you think:
ANGELA: This week, Mark Sampson was sacked as coach of the England Womens' football team following 'inappropriate behaviour' in his previous post. Some quarters of the press reported that his past relationships with players were common knowledge, whereas others said: "England have a Women's football team?"
I think this is an obvious no-go area for Newsjack.
Frankie Boyle could be all over it, like a one-man bukake fest, but I'm pretty sure R4 wouldn't touch it, for reasons of "taste" as well as for it being predicated upon "allegations" ...
Quote: Thosisd @ 29th September 2017, 11:28 AM1. After being forced to rebrand, the company behind 'John Lemon' lemonade have announced they are playing it safe with their new product, Juice Springsteen.
2. Katie Price has shut down rumours that she was cheated on by Peter Andre. This follows reports that he often spoke of a mysterious girl.
Solid jokes. Would probably make the cut any other week.
Some of my rejects were:
Manchester United fans have been urged to stop singing a song about the size of Romelu
Lukaku's penis. A fans' spokesperson said the whole thing was a misunderstanding, as
they were merely praising his glorious tackle.
10,000: The number of EU nationals who have quit the NHS since the Brexit referendum.
100,000: The number of Brexit supporters who, ironically, can't now get a doctor's
appointment till March 2019.
18 billion: The figure offered by Theresa May to secure Britain's release from the EU.
19 billion: The figure offered by Manchester City.
Quote: Damian B @ 29th September 2017, 12:21 PMHow would a Japanese man pronounce erection?
Stiffly?
Quote: Bigger Piece @ 29th September 2017, 12:23 PMStiffly?
Yes. Though we should be careful, lest this whole debate turn a bit lacist.
Quote: Thosisd @ 29th September 2017, 11:28 AMOk here's mine. Just had confirmation that it was number one which was scripted and cut. Apparently went down well but was lost for time.
1. After being forced to rebrand, the company behind 'John Lemon' lemonade have announced they are playing it safe with their new product, Juice Springsteen.
2. Katie Price has shut down rumours that she was cheated on by Peter Andre. This follows reports that he often spoke of a mysterious girl.
3. Rio Ferdinand has announced he is excited for his first professional fight despite the fact he is yet to apply for a boxing licence. In other news, I can't wait to pilot my first flight for Ryanair.
I really liked #1 -- brilliant play on words (they rejected my attempt at a John Lemon, but understandably, as it was v. poor)
#2 & #3 didn't really work for me as I have no real knowledge of the characters, although I think the "fly your own" RyanAir flight
has a lot of mileage ...
The number crunchers didn't hit my H-spot at all 
Quote: Damian B @ 29th September 2017, 12:26 PMYes. Though we should be careful, lest this whole debate turn a bit lacist.
Here's my recent batch of clunkers
(they did have a gold-smuggling joke in the last episode -- I wonder how the contributor managed to sneak it in? And there was an amusingly droll "joint rescue" quip about the stoned hikers that appeared late Monday evening; it caught my eye and I thought about the possibilities it offered, but I couldn't come up with anything)
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Sales of high-visibility vests soared in the run-up to Bi-Visibility Day which fell this year in Dyslexia Awareness Week.
2. Official figures reveal the number of child psychiatrists working in the NHS has fallen to 958. We didn't even know you could get a GCSE in it.
3. As Melania Trump invited a group of youngsters to pick vegetables from the Kitchen Garden planted by Michelle Obama, a White House spokesman said this wasn't plagiarism: they were common vegetables; lots of people have planted vegetables; gardening isn't Melania's first language and, anyway, blame Hillary.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. Twenty: The number of new "activity bars" planned for London, allowing customers to drink beer while engaging in activities like ping pong and crazy golf.
A lot more than twenty: The number of anticipated trips to A&E, caused by mis-hit ping pong balls, sliced golf-shots and fights breaking out in these new activity bars.
2. Five thousand: The amount in Euros, per day, Yoko Ono is seeking in damages for trademark infringement from a Polish soft drinks firm selling "John Lemon" lemonade.
One: the difference in letters between "m" and "n", which is clear to anybody who can actually spell the word "lemon".
3. One: The weight of gold, in kilos, a passenger at Colombo airport was caught trying to smuggle in his rectum.
Twenty-two thousand: The value of the haul, in pounds sterling, which was apparently betrayed by the smuggler's suspicious movements.
Here are this week's passed-over sketches for Yom Kippur.
Comments? Critiques, brickbats or bouquets ... ?
THAT'S NOT LEMONADE!
GRAMS: 'NO SANCTUARY' BY CANADIAN PUNK BAND ZEX
ANGELA: That's not Lemonade!
FANBOY: Eh?
ANGELA: This record! It doesn't sound like Beyonce!
FANBOY: Nah! It's well good! It's bangin'
ANGELA: Nope! It's too weird. (beat) It's going ... OFF!
FX: RECORD SCRATCH
ANGELA: I dunno what's going on. I just bought the last Beyonce album on lemonade-coloured yellow-vinyl and it turns out to be some thrash-metal outfit - or JZ has a lot more to answer for!
FANBOY: Wait, if that's not your girl Beyonce, but it should be, that record could be worth loads! It's like a collector's item, innit! Only EVEN MORE RARER!
ANGELA: What, you reckon I could take it down the Record and Tape Exchange and get fifty quid for it?
FANBOY: Fifty squid!? Nah, way more! They is like gold, innit! Like all them wrong postage stamps with no perforations, Royal Wedding commemorative mugs, the Sex Pistols' "God Save the Quen" on A&M ... They are worth THOUSANDS Ange! You is MINTED!
ANGELA: How come you know so much about stamps?
FANBOY: (muffled) Philatelist
ANGELA: What? You're a philatelist? I never knew!
FANBOY: A what? Nah, Phil 'ad A LIST! My mate Phil, at school, innit. 'E 'ad a list of all these rare things, like dodgy stamps and Sex Pistols' records and Royal Wedding Commemorative mugs and that.
ANGELA: What else would be worth money?
FANBOY: What, records? Well what about a mis-pressing of a U2 album, that was really Sonic Youth Live at Battery Park?
ANGELA: Eh?
FANBOY: 'Cos like U2 is named after a battery, innit?
(beat)
(Patiently) U2 is what batteries used to be called in the olden days, innit, before they were all named after motoring clubs or stop drinking clubs!
(beat)
Or what about a Dizzee Rascal album mispressed with some Slade on?
Not so much grime as old time, innit!
ANGELA: 'Wot U Gonna Do' backed with 'Coz I Luv You'? Well the music might sound different, but the spelling's the same!
FX: RECORD SCRATCH
ENDS
BABY, YOU CAN'T DRIVE MY CAR
FX: SOUNDS OF THE SOUK
SAAD AL-HAJARI: Women should not be allowed to drive cars because their brains are half the size of a man's brain!
MANDI: What!? Half the size? Is that a medical fact?
SAAD AL-HAJARI: Shut up. When women go shopping to the market, the size of their brains shrink even more and become a quarter of the size or a man's brain.
MANDI: But where's the scientific evidence?
SAAD AL-HAJARI: Shut up woman! It is a legal fact that the traffic department would not give a driving licence to a man with only half a brain, so how can it give a licence to a woman who has only half? If she goes to the market, she loses another half. What is left? A quarter!
GOVERNOR LUKE: Shut up Sheikh Al-Hajari. You are spreading controversial views that are not in the national interest. I am suspending you from all your official duties with immediate effect. You can spend more time in your garden.
MANDI: At least someone has got some sense! I can't wait to tell my mum and we can go for a drive around town to celebrate the good news!
GOVERNOR LUKE: Shut up woman! Just because progressive change have allowed you to vote since 2015 doesn't mean you should let these things go to your head. You are still not allowed to drive, so find your guardian and go home.
Now, have the arms and the war planes arrived from Britain ... ?
FX: SOUNDS OF THE SOUK
ENDS
Quote: Damian B @ 29th September 2017, 12:23 PMSolid jokes. Would probably make the cut any other week.
Some of my rejects were:
Manchester United fans have been urged to stop singing a song about the size of Romelu
Lukaku's penis. A fans' spokesperson said the whole thing was a misunderstanding, as
they were merely praising his glorious tackle.
Nice
Stobart, love #1 and #3 is funny but maybe too obvious (like one of mine probably). Liked all of your earlier ones also.
Goalo Number cruncher #2 and 3 are the strongest. Breaking news #3 absolutely not.
Thosisd Your first in each category were very good. "The John Lemon Lemonade" bit didn't scan for me.
Damian B Your first two were good.
Bigger Piece the brevity of the first two is definatly helping this week. Liked #1 and also your avatar.
Any and all feedback welcome on my rejects to date:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A school on the Irish border has been ordered to close, despite being the only school offering a GCSE in tunnelling.
2. Japan are behind on their 2019 Rugby World Cup preparations. They trail North Korea by 2 convertions.
3. A short video criticising the Liverpool FC's manager has gone viral, for more details google "clip Klopp".
NUMBER CRUNCHING
7: the number arrested for the London bucket bombing.
2: the number still at large, as it was a 9 piece family bucket.
30: The percentage of primary schools in cash deficit.
70: The percentage of primary schools not doing nice sharing.
4.1 million: The number of objects Denver Museum currently hold.
4 million: The number of those objects that were left after school trips.
Here's my tumbleweeds from last week...
In Cornwall, a man out walking near St Just had to be rescued after he fell down a 40-foot mine shaft. He's expected to make a full recovery although his hearing may be tinny.
An adult sex robot called Samantha has now gone on sale in the UK. Designers say it performs well in a range of positions but when it comes to sex outdoors it's still a bit rusty.
Or
An adult sex robot called Samantha has now gone on sale in the UK. Designers say it performs well in a range of positions but when it comes to oral it's still a bit chompy!
A party of hill walkers have been rescued in the Lake District after they consumed too much cannabis and were unable to walk properly and no doubt just laughed at faces in clouds, talked about spaced-out ideas like whether the world is flat or round or calling a snap general election.
The UK's oldest postcard firm is closing, unable to compete with the likes of Snapchat and Insta; both far more convenient ways for families to pretend they're actually enjoying being stuck in great uncle Derek's caravanette in Sunny Skegness.
Following emergency repairs, Severn Trent have told customers in Telford not to worry about the colour of their tap water which it's describing as "murky", and also, maybe just a teeny-tiny bit 'typhoidy'.
Whitehaven and York City Knights have set a new record in professional rugby league for the longest game ever played: and in doing so, a record for the most time spent by 26 grown men mud-wrestling whilst trying to knock each other's teeth out.
back to the drawing board...like drawing helps!
Quote: Danno @ 29th September 2017, 11:27 AM@BTF...Highly imaginative!! My main bugbear is the personification, the characters of Trump and Kim Jong-un are crazy enough without invoking them into a pot and kettle so I think it might be one step too far? I actually saw it in my head as a cartoon. I bet you had a lot of fun writing it?
Thanks. I agree with all your points.
Quote: Mrkgrngr @ 22nd September 2017, 5:19 PMHere's a rejected sketch. Have at it.
ARE WE NEARLY OUT YET?
ANGELA: This week Boris Johnson has been accused of... well, a lot of
things, but in an interview with Andrew Marr, everybody's favourite Theresa
May stand in, Amber Rudd, said that Boris Johnson is not in control of
Brexit but more of a back seat driver. She made it clear that Theresa May is
the one driving the car and the rest of the cabinet is going to help her do
that. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want 315 Tories helping me drive
my car. And come to think of it, there's only one car that would fit that many
people.GRAMS: CIRCUS MUSIC
FX: CLOWN CAR PULLING UP, NOVELTY HORN, DOOR
CLATTERING TO THE FLOOR
AMBER: Hello, Prime Minister. I got the car.
THERESA: What car, that Amber?
AMBER: The Brexit Mobile. I said on TV that you were driving the Brexit 'car', so I
thought in case people misconstrued it and thought we were lying to them,
I'd better get us a car.THERESA: And you didn't think a limo would be better?
AMBER: Oh, no. It had to fit the whole cabinet in, so we could help. And I thought 'What
fits an unfeasible amount of people inside?'. And then it hit me. Clown car.FX NOVELTY HORN
THERESA: I mean, really. This is the best you could do? What about a bus?
AMBER: We've not really had much luck with buses.
THERESA: I suppose not. A train, then.
AMBER: You might trip over Jeremy Corbyn on one of those.
THERESA: Hmmm. Okay. And this will fit everybody in?
AMBER: They're already in here. Say hello, everybody!
BORIS: Hello. Can I go for a wee? I seem to have drank a pintaferous amount of tizer.
JACOB R.M.: Aaaammmberrrrr! Boris is making up words again. Tell him language is
sacrosanct. He's getting to be quite vexatious.THERESA: Do I really have to get in with those two?
AMBER: Two? Oh, no they're all here. Jeremy Hunt, David Davies - he said he
definitely wasn't getting in but I talked him round - and, er, the other ones.THERESA: Oh, very well. Budge up.
FX: NOVELTY HORN, DOOR CLATTERING, SQUEAKS, RATTLES
THERESA: Oh. I don't know how to drive this thing. It's a lot more complicated than I
imagined.AMBER: Don't worry make it up as you go along. If anybody asks, just insist you know
what you're doing and say we'll get there in the end.THERESA: So, just like I run the country then. Got it. Of we go.
FX: CLOWN CAR PULLING UP, NOVELTY HORN, PIECES
FALLING OFF.JACOB R.M.: Bother. The car seems to be falling apart around us.
BORIS: (GENERAL BORIS EXCLAMATIONS) Look out for that cliff!
ALL: Aaagghhh!
FX: CAR SCREECHING TO A HALT, CREAKING THEN TUMBLING DOWN
THE CLIFF.ALL: Aaaagghhh!
FX: CAR STOPS FALLING
THERESA: Aaaand...Brexit.
END
I really liked this. I wondered if the clown sketch the previous week might have ruled this out?
Quote: Danno @ 29th September 2017, 1:31 PMHere's my tumbleweeds from last week...
In Cornwall, a man out walking near St Just had to be rescued after he fell down a 40-foot mine shaft. He's expected to make a full recovery although his hearing may be tinny.
An adult sex robot called Samantha has now gone on sale in the UK. Designers say it performs well in a range of positions but when it comes to sex outdoors it's still a bit rusty.
Or
An adult sex robot called Samantha has now gone on sale in the UK. Designers say it performs well in a range of positions but when it comes to oral it's still a bit chompy!A party of hill walkers have been rescued in the Lake District after they consumed too much cannabis and were unable to walk properly and no doubt just laughed at faces in clouds, talked about spaced-out ideas like whether the world is flat or round or calling a snap general election.
The UK's oldest postcard firm is closing, unable to compete with the likes of Snapchat and Insta; both far more convenient ways for families to pretend they're actually enjoying being stuck in great uncle Derek's caravanette in Sunny Skegness.
Following emergency repairs, Severn Trent have told customers in Telford not to worry about the colour of their tap water which it's describing as "murky", and also, maybe just a teeny-tiny bit 'typhoidy'.
Whitehaven and York City Knights have set a new record in professional rugby league for the longest game ever played: and in doing so, a record for the most time spent by 26 grown men mud-wrestling whilst trying to knock each other's teeth out.
back to the drawing board...like drawing helps!
Hi I thought the cannabis one had potential but could have maybe been a bit tighter in structure?
The 'chompy' maybe was a bit risqué but what do I know.
I really liked the tinny joke. Maybe a play on tinnitus?
Quote: Firkin @ 29th September 2017, 1:30 PMStobart, love #1 and #3 is funny but maybe too obvious (like one of mine probably). Liked all of your earlier ones also.
Gola Number cruncher #2 and 3 are the strongest. Breaking news #3 absolutely not.
Thosisd Your first in each category were very good. "The John Lemon Lemonade" bit didn't scan for me.
Damian B Your first two were good.
Bigger Piece the brevity of the first two is defiantly helping this week. Liked #1 and also your avatar.
Any and all feedback welcome on my rejects to date:BREAKING NEWS:
1. A school on the Irish border has been ordered to close, despite being the only school offering a GCSE in tunnelling.2. Japan are behind on their 2019 Rugby World Cup preparations. They trail North Korea by 2 convertions.
3. A short video criticising the Liverpool FC's manager has gone viral, for more details google "clip Klopp".
NUMBER CRUNCHING
7: the number arrested for the London bucket bombing.
2: the number still at large, as it was a 9 piece family bucket.30: The percentage of primary schools in cash deficit.
70: The percentage of primary schools not doing nice sharing.4.1 million: The number of objects Denver Museum currently hold.
4 million: The number of those objects that were left after school trips.
Hi I wondered if the bucket bombing might be something they would not broadcast?
I really liked the primary school one.