Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 4

These stones sank with nary a bounce:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Tens of thousands of Euros have been flushed down a toilet in Geneva. Wads of €500 notes have been found cut to shreds in the sewer system of a Swiss bank and three more large deposits turned up in the toilets of nearby bistros. A Swiss investigator said they may have discovered the £350m a week that's been missing since the Brexit vote.

2. A South African student was recorded on CCTV fighting off two armed robbers who tried to steal her bag which contained the only copy of her Master's thesis. After the robbers were later arrested, a South African police spokesman said while this may show that plagiarism is on the increase, it's also a reminder that you should always make a back-up your work.

3. After a Silicon Valley CEO admitted she dyed her hair blonde hair brunette in order to be taken seriously, the President of the United Nations welcomed Donald Trump to his first UN General Assembly with a bottle of Clairol Natural Dark Brown.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. £200bn: the level of consumer debt on credit cards, overdrafts and car loans according to figures released by the FCA.
86% of cars are now bought on PCP, but consumers are advised to consider trying LSD instead.

2. 2,000: The number of flights cancelled by RyanAir after admitting they couldn't manage pilots' holiday rotas.
One: the number of shoes passengers will be able to take on board if they haven't paid for priority boarding.

3. 400,000: The number of Rohingya muslims fleeing for their lives as a horrific wave of murderous "ethnic cleansing" is allegedly carried out by the Myanmar military.
None. Not one. Zero. Zilch: The number of Rohingyas afforded protection by Aung San Suu Kyi's Nobel Peace Prize.

I had hopes for two of my one liners but some seeds fall on fallow land:

In Geneva, authorities are investigating why thousands of euros have been flushed down toilets. They got stuck in the E.U bend.

Ryan Air to email customers about cancelled flights. Ryan Air will send the email for free but charge £1 for a premier font size, £2 for excess attachments and £3 for a lottery scratch card half way through the email.

The Ryan Air story would've been one to avoid as it will be done to death by others.

There's something in the Euro story, and yours has the benefit of being succinct although it doesn't quite work for me (maybe it's seeing "EU" written: it doesn't seem to work as well visually as it would when said aloud).

@Bigger Piece I liked your third oneliner but you need to shorten them all otherwise you won't get a look in. The first two are way too long (the second one is clever). Sorry to nitpick, but I can see you've put the effort in and the topics are rich. Hope this helps.

Quote: Danno @ 23rd September 2017, 11:53 PM

@Bigger Piece I liked your third oneliner but you need to shorten them all otherwise you won't get a look in. The first two are way too long (the second one is clever). Sorry to nitpick, but I can see you've put the effort in and the topics are rich. Hope this helps.

View original

Thanks for the helpful comments!

("That's too long!" seems to be the bane of my life: I'd better reply to one of those emails I keep getting: "Embarrassed in the locker room? Fed up with being called 'Donkey'? Our discrete penile shortening service may be more affordable than you think!")

Last week's failures from me:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Chinese sex doll sharing service suspended by company now concentrating on developing reusable toilet paper.
2. French Connection continue to make losses despite closing underperforming stores. "They're FCUKed" said a City analyst.
3. A mental health charity have warned schizophrenia does not mean you have a split personality. No they haven't.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 350m: pounds extra per week the NHS will get following Brexit, says Boris.
120: decibels of snoring from a nation bored with his self-serving tosh.
2. 10: pound notes, the new design of which will all contain tallow.
100: percent suitable as fuel when the currency tanks
3. 50: flights which will be cancelled per day by Ryanair for the next 6 weeks.
50: flights closer to their ultimate business goal of not having to move people around at all.

Any advice or comments gratefully received!

Quote: Goalo @ 26th September 2017, 10:45 AM

2. French Connection continue to make losses despite closing underperforming stores. "They're FCUKed" said a City analyst.
3. A mental health charity have warned schizophrenia does not mean you have a split personality. No they haven't.

View original

Really like these two, though making the FCUK one work on radio might have proved difficult.

Quote: Damian B @ 26th September 2017, 12:36 PM

Really like these two, though making the FCUK one work on radio might have proved difficult.

View original

I think the initialism is well enough known for "eff cee u-kayed" to work well on radio.

However, the other topic is verboten: far too touchy a subject for this comedic "safe space".

Any thoughts?

INTRO: South African politician, Helen Zille, caused a stir this week after she said that she only showered once every three days to conserve water in her drought ridden town. I personally think that saving water is hugely important, but I'll tell you who doesn't - Brad Pitt. He's not replied to a single one of my 436 requests to drink his bathwater. I wonder if the Zille's love life is fairing any better...

HUSBAND: Helen, there's something I need to tell you.

HELEN: Yes?

HUSBAND: There's no easy way to say this... but I've been cheating.

HELEN: What?

HUSBAND: I've been going to hotels and...and...
HELEN: Spit it out.

HUSBAND: I've been showering behind your back.

HELEN: You filthy animal.

HUSBAND: Actually, no I'm very clean.

HELEN: I thought I smelled soap on you when you came home last night! How could this happen?

HUSBAND: I was away on a business trip and I met Electra.

HELEN: Electra?

HUSBAND: The Electra 3000 power shower.

HELEN: How could you?

HUSBAND: A man has needs, Helen! When I get in her she's warm and wet, with these two big round nozzles that you can put your head between...

HELEN: Spare me the sordid details.

HUSBAND: I never meant to hurt you.
HELEN: Here I am doing everything I can to save water ...I had to wring out your sweaty pants just so I could brush my teeth last night.

HUSBAND: Just turn on the tap.

HELEN: Never!

HUSBAND: Ok, listen, I was wondering... how about you and me go to a hotel and we try out Electra together.

HELEN: A threesome?

HUSBAND: It's my biggest fantasy.

HELEN: Then you should have come home early yesterday.

HUSBAND: Why?

HELEN: (angrily) 'Cos I was shagging the milkman.

END

Here are my rejects for week 3:
Feedback gratefully received.

1. The Kurds have come out in large numbers to vote for independence. There were celebrations in the street as they finally got to vote for their own shelf away from the Jams and the Marmalades.

2. It has been announced that Bruce Willis will return as John Mclane for a Die Hard prequel. Matt Damon is set to co-star in the film, entitled Bourne Hard.

3. Japan's prime minister Shinzo Abe has called for a snap election. Ouch!

@Stobbart42....The first two really made me giggle, lovely plays on words. I think the third one needs that extra layer to take it on to that next level?

Keep on truckin'

Thanks for the kind words, Danno.

By the way, I've been posting my rejects on Twitter under the hashtag #newsjackrejects and was hoping others would too but I seem to be the only one. I even messaged Angela and the NewsjackBBC account to get them to endorse it but they rudely ignored it.

Anyway, I'll keep doing it so anyone feel free to join me :-)

https://www.twitter.com/hashtag/newsjackrejects/live

John Prescott says he gives half his House of Lords attendance fee to his Secretary while the other half knows nothing about it.

1 Number of lines in a really great gag
55 Number of Maltesers Ed Sheeran can keep in his mouth which really is a great gag

I was quite please with this sketch as I though there were a lot of jokes in it. See what you think:

ANGELA:    This week, Mark Sampson was sacked as coach of the England Womens' football team following 'inappropriate behaviour' in his previous post. Some quarters of the press reported that his past relationships with players were common knowledge, whereas others said: "England have a Women's football team?"
Sampson is not the only one out of a job this week. Danish toy firm Lego have cut 1,400 jobs, but fortunately they have not had to dismantle the whole company. Both stories make some individuals particularly vulnerable to dismissal..
FX:    DOOR OPENS
FA_BOSS:    Ah, thank you for coming.
COACH:    (Defensive) When the senior board of the Lego Town Football Association summon the Lego Town Football Coach, I snap to it. I'm not a complete blockhead.
FA_BOSS:    Won't you sit down?
COACH:    I'm more comfortable standing if it's all the same.
FA_BOSS:    Well, at least let me take your hat.
COACH:    Fine.
FX:    POPPING SOUND
FA_BOSS:    So you know why we have asked you here?
COACH:    I suspect you've dragged me in so you can  tear chunks out of my ass.
FA_BOSS:    It looks like somebody beat us to it.
COACH:    Too true. The Lego Town media have taken hearsay and rumours and built them into something garish and ugly. I'm sure the whole case will collapse.
FA_BOSS:     But we have testimony from a former player that your relationship was more than professional. Play the recording please!
FX:    CLICK OF AUDIO PLAYBACK
PLAYER:    (D) I could tell he had feelings for me. He could take his eyes off me all the time I was in the box. What can I say? I guess we just clicked.
FX:    PLAYBACK STOPS
FA_BOSS:    I admit you have assembled a strong team as Lego Town Football Coach, but I can see no option but to let you go.
COACH:    But I have lead this team to success! We've been the cup-holders for three years!  
FA_BOSS:    I know how proud you are of that. After each final, we've had to prise the cup from your grasp.
COACH:    Look, I won't deny that I haven't been able to slot it like I did at my last job. It's been a bumpy road.
But when things go wrong, I've learned to put myself back together. And when I do, I just have to remember to look forwards and not backwards.
FA_BOSS:    I'm afraid there are too many unanswered questions. You never fully explained the holes in your CV.
COACH:    Those are so it will snap into my briefcase! I am so cross about the whole situation.
FA_BOSS:    Really? You look perfectly happy.
COACH:    I always have this expression! Look, I can't switch teams! I have to undergo major reconstructive surgery just to change my shirt! Plus, if you sack me, who will you find to replace me?
FA_BOSS:    In fact, we have a candidate lined up. The current coach at F.C. Subbuteo.
COACH:    Him? He's completely unstable!
FA_BOSS:    He's inexperienced, yes, but we don't he'll have problems getting his feet under the table.
END

Nabbit...Great idea to blend the two news stories. It worked well and had clever, funny lines. Maybe the BBC don't like over-use of brand names!