Slitcramp 1 - 8.9.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to CRINDY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Crindy
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next subject is OPEN cos Newsjack is rearing its dickhead.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US meese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 1.8.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Crindy
1 - 5 - Gappy

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st September 2017, 7:12 AM

Your next subject is OPEN cos Newsjack is rearing its dickhead.

View original

-------------------------------------------------

INT. DINGY LONDON FLAT - NIGHT

A tiny, filthy hellhole of a flat. Two tired and depressed WRITERS sit surrounded by empty coffee cups, cigarette ash and half-finished bottles of cheap gin.

WRITER 1
Ok, so, new series of Newsjack coming up. And this year's gonna be different. This is the year we make it as hilarious sketch writers!

WRITER 2
Oh yeah, this is it alright! I'm feeling so creative right now!

WRITER 1
Ok then. Sketch ideas: Go!

WRITER 2
Brexit!

WRITER 1
Not Brexit, for f**k's sake! Every dickhead with a refurbished Macbook and a knock-off copy of Final Draft'll be sending them Brexit stuff!

WRITER 2
Well, we could do it with a clever new twist? Like, a really scathing, biting satirical takedown of modern politics?

WRITER 1
How do you satirise it, though? How do you satirise a bunch of people trying to do something they don't really understand even though they don't really want to do it, because they're scared of repercussions from a bunch of people who don't really know what they want them to do, and probably wouldn't even really notice if they did it anyway?

WRITER 2
Give them all funny voices--?

WRITER 1
Ok, hard pass on that one. We need to go subtler. A really obscure, but immediately understandable news story nobody else'll pick up on that we can translate into a snappy, hilarious radio sketch.

He gestures to the screen of his refurbished Macbook.

WRITER 1(Cont'd)
What about this? There's a story here about a guy who tried to explain away getting caught drink-driving on a piece of beer-battered cod he had for lunch?

WRITER 2
I think that might be too obscure. Also, that story's 18 months old. Someone's just posted it on Reddit today for some reason.

WRITER 1
Ugh. Ok, fine, what about a sketch about how stupid Reddit is? I mean, have you actually tried to read anything on there? It's like trying to work your way through a badly-translated Italo Calvino novel backwards!

WRITER 2
Not really topical, is it. Plus, that'll likely alienate most of the BBC script readers. Young people love Reddit.

WRITER 1
Ugh, fine. Good point.

WRITER 2
Also, you really need to stop trying to shoehorn Italo Calvino references into everything. Nobody gets them.

WRITER 1
But it's funny because--

INT. DINGY LONDON FLAT - LATER

More cigarette ends and another bottle of gin have been added to the detritus.

WRITER 2
Ok, look, how about we just do what we normally do?

WRITER 1
We wrap something we've already written around a vague reference to a recent news article and hope they don't notice that the whole thing couldn't even tangentially be considered topical?

WRITER 2
Exactly, like when we tried to claim our 'Drunk Pilots' sketch had something to do with the European Court of Human Rights.

WRITER 1
I dunno. I feel that might be one of the reasons our sketches never get chosen.

WRITER 2
Well, alright, so...maybe we just re-submit one of our old ones and hope they don't remember it, and the quality of submissions this week is particularly bad?

WRITER 1
Oh, yeah, that might work. How about that first one we submitted, years ago?

He wipes a cigarette end off his refurbished Macbook keyboard and brings up the script.

WRITER 1 (Cont'd)
I mean, this was amazing. We were on fire back then!

WRITER 2
Ridiculous that it didn't get picked. What's wrong with a meandering, seven minute long sketch hanging on a really flimsy stereotype about foreigners, where half the gags are in German, most of the others require incredibly specific fart-based sound effects and it just sort of ends without a proper punchline?

WRITER 1
Actually, maybe we should keep at it...

INT. DINGY LONDON FLAT - MUCH LATER

Further bottles of gin and some fast food wrappers have been added to the pile. The ashtray is now overflowing. Both writers look tired and profoundly drunk.

WRITER 1
Oh, god! The submission window closes in an hour!

WRITER 2
Right. Focus. What have we got so far?

WRITER 1
(looking at the screen)
An outline for a sketch about Princess Diana that it turned out Mitchell and Webb had already done, a Word document that just says 'What if Kim Jong-un was Scottish?' in Comic Sans, and six links to funny YouTube videos with less than 50 views that we were considering whether they were safe to steal and pass off as our own.

An alert chirps out from the laptop.

WRITER 1(Cont'd)
Oh, and another warning to register this copy of Final Draft.

WRITER 2
So, nothing then? We've got nothing?

WRITER 1
Exactly! We've got f**king nothing! We've been sitting here for days, trawling through the arse end of every dodgy news site we can find, brainstorming hundreds of different possible nationalities for Kim Jong-un, and we've got nothing!!

WRITER 2
Ok, just relax. Let's just...take a minute, calm down and go with the first thing we think of. No idea's too contrived, no twist too obvious. Live in the moment! Trust in fate! This is the moment we think of our clever, unique topical sketch idea that's gonna make us stars!

They pause, stare into space for a moment and take a swig of gin from a couple of nearby bottles.

WRITER 1
(sighing deeply)
Donald Trump's a Nazi?

WRITER 2
(nodding)
Donald Trump's a Nazi.

They turn back to the reconditioned Macbook and get typing.

THE END

EXTERIOR - SANDY DESERT - DAYTIME

A MAN STANDS BEFORE A MONSTER WHICH BLOCKS HIS PATH.

MONSTER
What has five legs in the morning, three legs at midday and four legs in the evening?

OEDIPUS
ME! I'm SO horny!

OEDIPUS WHIPS OUT AEROSOL AND SPRAYS IT ALL OVER.

MONSTER COLLAPSES.

V/O
The Sphinx effect..

FADE

TEACHING ENGLISH IN ROME
1. DO start with a detailed needs analysis, which should be a pre-course encounter and not a shoddy excuse for the first lesson:
2. Explain to the student the difference betweem accuracy and fluency, and enquire where he needs most attention - but don't just take his word for it! As a professional, experienced teacher, you should be listening attentively and forming your own mental picture.
3. Ask if he has partcular grammar or vocabulary difficulties. This will prove invaluable in structuring the forthcoming lessons.
4. Discuss the four skills (reading, writing, listening, speaking) and enquire where the major problems lie - continuing to 'kill too birds with one stone' as you flesh out your own impression. Some students tend to active skills (speaking, writing) over passive (listening, reading); some tend to the spoken word (speaking, listening) over the written (writing, reading).
5. Summarise the above and plan the course accordingly, taking particular care of the overall course arc as well as individual lesson content...
6. Ready to start? I'm afraid not! Schedule the first lesson within a time frame of at least three weeks. You MUST familiarise yourself with all the materials and if necessary integrate them with last-minute developments.
WELL DONE! YOU ARE NOW READY TO START THE COURSE - or as I call it, voyage into the wondrous world of the English language!
7. Do exactly the same f**king shit you did with all the other f**kers.

[CALLUM, a man in slightly grubby late 19th century outfit - weskit, brown derby, all that stuff - runs into frame on the street, and accosts PASSER-BY]

CALLUM: You! I say, you, what date is it?

PASSER-BY: Err, June 17th.

CALLUM: But the year, man, the year!

PASSER-BY: 2017.

CALLUM: Then it works! My invention works!

PASSER BY: Wow! Let's have a look!

[CALLUM holds up a dog-eared sheaf of papers, the front of which has "2017 Calendar" scrawled across it]

V/O: Calendars: only available from WH Smith.

[Superimposed, small text: Actually not only available in WH Smith]

Cop. Hey you there stop.
Tim: Me
Cop. Yes, you there stop right there
Tim: I am sorry sir how can I help
Cop: Sargent Search him
Srgt: Yes sir
Tim: Can i ask what this for.
Srgt: Nothing found sir
Cop: Search him
Srgt: I just did sir
Cop: I meant anally
Srgt: Right sir
Tim. Hey what hey [high pitched] ah human rights
Srgt: Nothing found sir
Cop: Right then your nicked
Tim: What for
Cop: Wasting police time
Tim: What how.
Cop: My Sargent just searched you.
Srgt: Yes and proper up the bum search as well
Cop: Yes exactly and what did we find [beat] nothing
Tim: So
Cop: So blatant wasting of police time
Tim: What
Cop: We have a beat to walk, work to do and you good sir are innocent and thus wasting our time which is a criminal offence.
Srgt: You made me look up your bum, I know you had cauliflower cheese for lunch, I used to love cauliflower cheese.
Tim: But I don't get it
Cop: Carthago delenda est
Tim: What
Cop: It's latin for ignorance is no defence
Tim: No its latin for Carthage must be destroyed
Srgt: That will be for a jury to decide.

Crindy.

Crindy's is well written as ever, but a bit on the nose for me. Maybe I'm just bitter because I think I may be the Calvino-obsessed one.

SSTT's is decent, but I'm going to go for Zepp, just because it's insane.

Zepp.

Enjoyed the two short sketches and always a fan of Michael's anger, but I'll also go with zapp for managing to seamlessly combine Latin jokes with the scatological.

Quote: Crindy @ 11th September 2017, 11:28 AM

always a fan of Michael's anger

View original

Just for once I'm not pissed off! The idea came cos I had to do a needs analysis with a potential student and it hit me that no matter how much bollocks you feed peoole, you always do the same shit.
Results tomorrow.

I liked SSTT