Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 2

Hi everyone. Long time reader of these Newsjack threads, finally decided to speak up.

I started trying with NJ last series. I had one sketch performed at the final episode recording but it didn't make the cut (fast food university degrees - if anyone heard it).

Made it my mission to send full allowance each week this series. No luck last week with these:

1. A man who buried vodka to dig up and consume three weeks later at a music festival is having his story turned into a movie. The Smirnoff Redemption will be in cinemas next summer. 

2. The pop-rock band Placebo have resumed touring following reports of lead singer Brian Molko's poor health. He has since been prescribed a course of Tic-Tacs and XXX Strong Mints and is said to be feeling much better. 

3. A successful businesswoman has revealed that dying her hair brown and wearing glasses saved her struggling career. In other, definitely unrelated news, Theresa May has arrived in Parliament today sporting a new look. 

11 - the percentage of Britons with a zombie apocalypse survival plan.

89 - the percentage of people who can bloody well get their own underground bunker - I don't have enough Pringles for everyone.

1 - the number of James Blunt's who sailed a rubber dinghy across an audience in Hyde Park.

35, 000 - the number of people in that audience who wished sharp objects were permitted on site. 

17 - the number of 'first day of school' photos that appeared on my Facebook timeline.

0  - the amount I care.

Two of the jokes were close to ones which did make the show, so I'm feeling confident that I'm on the right track. Just need to tighten the writing, look for more unique spins and find harder hitting punchlines.

Not giving up! Best of luck this week everyone. It certainly isn't easy!

Here are mine from last week. Never had a sniff before (why may be about to become clear!)

BREAKING NEWS:
1. As the British Virgin Islands recover from Hurricane Irma, defiant residents roar no amount of disaster relief will make them pay UK tax.
2. Crystal Palace sacking Frank de Boer after only 5 games "ridiculously short-termist" says Mayfly.
3. Man regrets "No Regrets" tattoo.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
143 million: Number of Equifax customers whose personal data has been stolen.
-748: Your next credit score

8.1: magnitude of strongest earthquake to hit Mexico in a century
0: Offers to build new walls by Donald Trump

2.4 billion: euros Google have been fined for manipulating search results to benefit themselves
0: Search results when you type in "Google manipulate search results"

Nice work Goalo! Love the tattoo and Google ones, both excellent (and probably better than a couple of the ones that actually made it onto the show IMHO)

Quote: Mike X @ 19th September 2017, 1:20 PM

Nice work Goalo! Love the tattoo and Google ones, both excellent (and probably better than a couple of the ones that actually made it onto the show IMHO)

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I agree. They were better than some of the rather underwhelming jokes on the last show.

Wow, thanks! It's all a bit deflating when you don't hear anything week after week, so even a teensy bit praise is fuel to keep going next week.

The tattoo one came from a story about a man who'd been arrested for swimming across the Hoover Dam and said he'd no regrets about it and even had a tattoo saying "no regrets". I nearly left that one out because I thought no-one would have seen the story and there wasn't much linking to it anyway. I suppose if someone laughs it doesn't matter.

Loving the opportunity to read our rejected runts! Here are mine ( I suck at all of this, but I REALLY suck a number-crunchers!)

BREAKING NEWS:

1. London's Royal Academy is set to exhibit a ceremonial bowl believed to have been used by cannibals. The exhibition includes a free lunch of liver, fava beans and a nice chianti...[HISS].

2. After their bus broke down, a group of tourists in China were spotted dancing on a motorway. The bus company has been fined for dangerous twerking conditions.

3. Research has shown that parts of the UK suffer from a shortage of psychiatrists. According to a stud - I'm sorry our time is up.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. 10: the number of seconds it takes a new handheld device to identify cancerous breast tissue.
2: the number of seconds it takes Trump to offer a handheld re-examination.

2. 16: the number of Grand Slam titles won by Rafael Nadal.
16: the number of seconds passed since his last wedgie.

3. 469: the number of pages in Hillary Clinton's new memoir What Happened?
1,870: the number of pages in Bill Clinton's new memoir With Lewinksy or my other affairs? Oh, you meant the election? Damn, how do I unpublish this?

Agreed the tattoo and Google jokes are excellent!

Quote: Goalo @ 19th September 2017, 2:08 PM

Wow, thanks! It's all a bit deflating when you don't hear anything week after week, so even a teensy bit praise is fuel to keep going next week.

The tattoo one came from a story about a man who'd been arrested for swimming across the Hoover Dam and said he'd no regrets about it and even had a tattoo saying "no regrets". I nearly left that one out because I thought no-one would have seen the story and there wasn't much linking to it anyway. I suppose if someone laughs it doesn't matter.

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There was a number cruncher about the Hoover damn bloke that made the show (and was very good I thought), but I think it just serves as a reminder of one of main problems - the mass of material they have to wade through and the fact they probably received 10s of jokes based on that story (because it was ripe for a joke). I couldn't think of one, but I did try!

I concur with the others though, your joke was good (and punchy) and it may well have come down to the fact they'd already decided on the number cruncher. Understandably, the producers, editors,writers, etc have to make a call based on their experience and striking a balance with other stuff on the show.

As an aside (in the hope of being nothing other than constructive!), I suggest you add more of the news story's detail - until you mentioned your source in your later message, I had no idea it was related to that story.

It may not in itself have affected your chances (the newsjack lot probably new the main details of the story) but it may have been one of the reasons they rejected yours, because they would have to put some work into adding in some of that detail. I'm guessing here (again!) but for the one liners/number crunchers, I imagine they want to edit as little as possible.

Now, rather than just offering dubious advice, in the spirit of the thread, here we're mine that struck out. On reflection, I think the Legoland one is well harsh!

1. In racing news, Jockey Davy Russell received a 4-day ban after punching his horse. Russell maintained he acted in self-defence, claiming the horse attacked him after he asked, "why the long face?"

2. Toymaker Lego is cutting 1,400 jobs worldwide claiming falling sales and profits. Employees are said to be in pieces.

3. In her recent appearance on Test Match Special, Theresa May expressed her frustration at suggestions she comes across as robotic. "I'm not the least bit robotic. Power off," said May.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

62: the number of miles a man walked in the Australian Outback, before receiving help after crashing his car.

162: the number of times passing motorists shouted "Run, Forrest, Run" rather than stopping to help.

2003: The year Paul Hollywood dressed in a German Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party as a joke.

2017: The year Nigel Farage addressed a far-right German rally because he is a joke.

1: The number of Emmy's awarded to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke Show.

12: The number of points on James Corden's licence for driving without due care and attention.

Quote: Von1 @ 19th September 2017, 4:47 PM

2. Toymaker Lego is cutting 1,400 jobs worldwide claiming falling sales and profits. Employees are said to be in pieces.

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Love that. Though I can see the editorial reasons for not using it.

Does anyone get the impression that the show avoids even slightly sardonic material? I appreciate that it's BBC, so it must be conservative with its output, but still. I'd like to see the more caustic jokes get selected ahead of the standard sleep-inducing satire.

Cheers. Yes I wrote it and winced.

I really struggle with the number crunchers - there's definitely an art to doing them well

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 16th September 2017, 5:32 AM

@AndyGilder. I really like the clown one. Good stuff.

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Cheers - apparently that one made it into the record but got cut in the edit.

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 19th September 2017, 1:19 AM

@BiggerPiece. I think you've misunderstood the format of the number crunchers. Look at how other people have done it:

Number X: a description explaining number X (setup).
Number Y: a description explaining number Y (punchline).

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Yes! I completely misfired on all three.

Hopefully this week's are a little better -- I'll whip them out in a couple of days!

Quote: Bigger Piece @ 19th September 2017, 9:28 PM

I'll whip them out in a couple of days!

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You're referring to your jokes, right?

Quote: Damian B @ 20th September 2017, 12:43 PM

You're referring to your jokes, right?

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Tell your friends ... I'll be here all week!

Not so much a reject as I wrote it then completely forgot to include it in my submission:

Liam Neeson has announced his retirement from action movies...at least until someone kidknaps his daughter and makes him come back for one last job...