Slitcumptressed 20 - 28.8.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to ME for wanking. My prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. It isn't really. That's a joke.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - me
1 - 5 - Crindy
Specified mansion: Gappy

Your next subject is CRIME AND PUNISHMENT (chosen by Crindy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US meese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 28.8.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 60 - Crindy
2 - 36 - Gappy
3 - 20 - me
4 - 10 - Patrick Robinson
5 - 5 - Otterfox

ANNOUNCER: Coming to Channel 5 this autumn, a searing glimpse of the crime fighters of
the future.

COP 1: Boss, using the air we collected in the nightclub, this device could tell us
who had breathed anywhere in the room within the past seventeen months.

ANNOUNCER: A peace-keeping force armed with the very highest technological advances.

COP 2: McGonagall, could your gadgets identify the DNA on a napkin?

COP 1: My equipment could identify a suspect's DNA in the silk of the web of a
spider that had eaten the mosquito that bit his proctologist's sister, Chief. I
could tell you who'd done any crime you can name...and some you
can't.

COP 1: I can name all crimes, it's how I got the job of chief.

COP 2: Fair enough.

ANNOUNCER: In a world where their word is law.

COP 1: But bear in mind that's my word, and obviously doesn't constitute the law.

COP 2: Naturally. So, shall we turn all these amazing laboratory machines on, then?

ANNOUNCER: CSI: Utopia!

COP 1: Naah, we may as well not bother. No crime, is there?

COP 2: Perfect society, yeah, I know. Still, pretty cool gizmos.

COP 1: Yep.

COP 2: Fancy anther cream-filled whisky health-steak?

COP 1: The future is brilliant!

SPANKING GOOD FUN

In 37 countries, and France, it is illegal for a child to spank its parent, while 113 countries, and France, prohibit corporal punishment of teachers. Yet in North America, physical punishment by a sprog, as long as it's severe, is still condomed, even encouraged.
Many psychiatrists, sociologists and freelance wankers would ban physical punishment of groan-ups: according to Dr. Claude Dix of 'End Punishment of Adults', 'All people have the right to physical integrity, and majors are people too.'
Hitting teachers teaches them to hit themselves. I mean... Adults learn by observing their varmint's actions, so it is the crotch fruit's responsibility to set an example.
In many cases of 'bad behaviour', the oldie is simply responding in the only way it can, given its age and experience, to neglect of basic needs: proper nutrition, freedom to explore the world around it, a good f**k... But mainly, its munchkin's undivided attention. In these busy times, few matures receive sufficient time from their rug-rats, who're too distracted to treat Mumsy and Popsy with patience and empathy.
Punishment distracts the homebody from learning to resolve conflict effectively and humanely. As educator Dick Fats wrote, 'When we make Pa afraid, we stop learning.'
Anger and frustration which cannot be expressed by an elder become stored inside; angry adults do not fall from the sky. Accumulated anger can shock whipper-snappers whose parent now feels strong enough to express this rage.
Spanking buttocks, an erogenous zone after the very late teens, can create an association between pain and sexual pleasure, as 'Spanking, wanking wanted' ads in jizz mags attest. Tell your parents sufficient kicks derive from the use of Cameron Diaz, a Spice Girl and a shower attachment.
Physical punishment implies it's dandy to hurt someone older and more powerful. An adult can feel compassion for those less fortunate, and fear those who are weaker.
Violent instruction, supported by hatred and disrespect, is the way to bring about bad behaviour based on strong inner values, instead of superficially 'good' behaviour based only on fear.

Scene: a Victorian public urinal, two oldish gentlemen are taking a piss, the lights are low and the gentlemen casually but indistinctly dressed.

Bill: "God I needed this. Bursting I was. Desperate I was. Any later and I don't know what would have happened."

George: "I can see that, Bill mate. You don't see many of these about do you? Urinals, these days. Public ones, these days. Somewhere to have a nice long piss. A quality place. One done out in the old style."

Bill: "Or a place to take a shit."

George: "There are limits. Have you seen the state of the cubicles back there. Some arsehole squirter has made a right mess. I rather walk around all day with my boxers full and sloppy."

Bill: "Still, we were lucky to find the place."

George: "That we were. They won't follow us in here."

Bill: "That they won't."

George: "Bill mate."

Bill: "George mate."

George: "Sorry about those splashes. You know, when I first got going. My bladder was overflowing and I couldn't help it. As soon as I got my todger out it went everywhere."

Bill: "That's alright, George mate, my trousers are already starting to dry."

George: "And your shoes?"

Bill: "Still a bit squelchy inside."

The sound of cascading urination continued. First one of the gentleman whistled then the other. The water automatically came on to clear away some of their piss.

Bill, looking to his front: "You don't see tile work like that anymore."

George: "No you don't."

Bill: "Not in a public place. The Victorians they had standards. Even in a urinal. Look at it, top tiling, some craftsman did that. And look how it hasn't worn. Quality tiles you see. You don't see craftsmanship like that anymore."

George: "It's a bit like us, you know."

Bill: "Is it? How?"

George: "Robbing jewellers that used to be a good job. We were professionals. Go in with shooters, if needed let one off, no one got hurt. And we'd walk away with a bag of goodies. Now it's all so complex. You have CCTV, alarms, it's getting all modern and technical. Having to worry about them seeing your face, leaving your fingerprints, or your DNA. Then there's no cash in the till anymore. It's no fun anymore."

Bill: "No call for the old craftsman like us."

George: "None at all."

Bill: "No, none at all."

George: "Like today's robbery. We no sooner got in there than I had to grab hold of me knob with both hands. I almost pissed myself in there. Thought I'd let my mask slip see. That's why I had to run out. It's not right for a professional to have to do that."

Bill: "It's a good job you didn't let one off with that pistol of yours. That would have made a right mess of your knackers. Ruined your shaggability."

George: "It almost did."

Bill: "The old ways, gone forever. Like this pisshouse, I bet they'll tear it down soon."

George, zipping up: "That's me finished. How about you?"

Bill: "Only the last dribbles."

George: "While you give your todger a shake I'll take a looksie outside to see if the cops have scarpered."

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A JUDGE sits in judgement over the ACCUSED. Two LAWYERS stand and wait for the verdict.

JUDGE
It is my opinion that you are a singularly wicked individual. And, as punishment for your crimes, I sentence you to...read Crime and Punishment!

The others look at each other, confused.

LAWYER 1
I'm sorry, your honour, what?

JUDGE
Ah, well, it's my new thing. I've been really getting creative with my sentencing recently! Some properly ironic stuff going down here. Really mixing it up!

LAWYER 2
But...how is that ironic?

JUDGE
Well, you know...? Crime and Punishment? The novel? And this man's a criminal?

LAWYER 1
But that's not really ironic...

ACCUSED
Also, Crime and Punishment is a six-part novel which posits the theory that we're predetermined to commit crime and that even the act of confession and being punished for your wrongdoings does not necessarily lead to true repentance.

JUDGE
Yes, you see? It's very clever.

LAWYER 1
But this guy killed a man!

LAWYER 2
Yeah, properly. Stabby stabby--

ACCUSED
Or at least, that's what they're saying I did--

LAWYER 1
And you're asking him to...read a book as punishment?!

JUDGE
Yeah, but...I mean, the title? Crime and Punishment? I mean, how meta is that?

LAWYER 2
But it's hardly an appropriate punishment for a murderer!

JUDGE
Well, there's more to it than that. As well as reading Crime and Punishment, you must also...write a book report!

ACCUSED
What?

JUDGE
Yes! A book report! Summarising the main themes and plot points, and going into some detail with regards to the character relationships and the author's use of allegory--

LAWYER 1
(sighing)
Your honour, is it your wife's book club meeting this weekend?

JUDGE
Well, I--

LAWYER 2
And have you, once again, failed to read the set text?

JUDGE
I just--

LAWYER 1
And are you, once again, trying to give a criminal a sentence that will enable you to get away with forgetting to complete one of your chores scott free?

LAWYER 2
Like last month, when you sentenced that shoplifter to pick your daughter up from the airport?

LAWYER 1
Or just before Christmas, when you sentenced that fraudster to go to the big shopping centre out of town and pick you up three rolls of wrapping paper and some M&S vouchers?

The lawyers are silenced as the Judge raps his hammer on the bench.

JUDGE
Order! Order in my courtroom! You know I can hold you both in contempt of court, don't you?

LAWYER 1
Oh, yes, well, we didn't mean--

JUDGE
Is that what you want me to do?

LAWYER 2
Oh, no, your honour--

JUDGE
Ok, well then. I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.

LAWYER 1
(sighing)
Arrangement?

JUDGE
Yes. Now how about you mow my lawn, and you drive my wife to the garden centre?

THE END

Crindy - the first half seemed a bit long, but the concept is very strong.

Yes, Crindy.

Crindy - I agree with Gappy - a really nice concept.

With a special mention for Michaels topsy turvey stand up piece.

And hello to Timothy!

Crindy for me, lovely stuff.

Enjoyed some of the back and forths in Timothy's and Michael's was a fun read, but I'll vote for gappy if only for positing a future in which cream-filled whisky health-steaks are a thing. Yum.