I want to complain about the cockroaches, they are in my bed now.
Well pull it away from the wall.
I did, they pulled it back.
Favourite One Liners Page 2
I said "doctor, doctor I have broken my arm in two places". He said,"well you shouldn't go to those places"
I said to the doctor, "it hurts whenever I do this." He said, "Well, then don't do it!"
Somebody got the Tommy Cooper Joke Fest book for his birthday. 
Jack Dee: I hate fat people. Especially ones who think they'll get away with it by being friendly.
Jimmy Sadowitz (ouch): I'm a non-racist, non-sexist, non-ageist comedian. Which is a shame cos I've got this great joke about Tina Turner.
Jo Brand: My sexual fantasy is 10 beautiful men cover my naked body with chocolate - then they f**k off and I lick it off myself.
Marek Larwood: If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?
You have a very very rare medical condition called Homer Simpson syndrome.
'Ooh why me?
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 7th August 2017, 7:14 PMYou have a very very rare medical condition called Homer Simpson syndrome.
'Ooh why me?
What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? A thousand to one - Homer Simpson
This is more of a quote than a one liner. In the episode when a wild Bear wanders in to town and Homer leads an unruly mob objecting to the lack of protection from bears by incorrectly using a chant he had heard before.
Mob: We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!
Mob: We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!
Lenny: Hey Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it?
Homer: Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.
Mob:.....We don't want any more bears......
Quote: Ronald S @ 7th November 2016, 9:35 AMMy wife was giving me a right roasting about being immature and saying it was time I grew up. I noticed the windows had steamed up so I drew a cock and balls with spunk coming out.
Micky Flanagan
My wife thinks I'm immature. She told me over dindins.
My wife said I immature too. She said we should talk about it.
Not while it's Conker season.
My wife said I was immature
I would have said that it takes one to know one
but she had already said no returnsies
My Dad said, 'Michael, you are lazy and vulgar.' I couldn't be bothered to answer the c**t.
Kate Moss used to do a fair bit of one-liners
Jimmy Carr: When I was a kid, I had to go to church. And what annoyed me was all that standing up and sitting down and kneeling... I wished the priest'd just choose a position and f**k me.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
You have to stand on your own two feet. Unless you're Oscar Pistorius.
One of my personal favourites: I've got one of those anti-bullying armbands. I didn't buy it, I nicked it off this ginger c**t.