Mr Wright’s Cliché Bullshit

Mr Wright’s Cliché Bullshit
By Arlington Roth

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Quote from newspaper about serial killer trial:

Wright, 49, a fork-lift truck driver, denies murdering Miss Tania Nicol, 19, Gemma Adams, 25, Anneli Alderton, 24, Paula Clennell, 24 and Annette Nicholls, 29.

Wright said he picked up Tania Nicol but decided against sex because he was "put off" by her acne. He said Miss Nicol got out and he went home.

"As she got in the car I noticed she had acne on her face," he said. "Basically, that's what put me off, quite a bit, really."

He said he did not have "anything to do" with her disappearance.

Jurors heard that Wright's car was seen driving towards Copdock - where Miss Nicol's body was found on December 8 - two and a half hours later.

Wright said he could not sleep and had been for a drive.

Wright said he picked up street prostitutes about 13 times between October and December 19, 2006 - the date of his arrest.

The court heard this included the five murdered women.

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Prosecutor:
Let me get this clear: You couldn't sleep and so you went for a drive?

Mr Wright:
Yea, that's right. I do that when I can't sleep. It helps me unwind.

Prosecutor:
I see. It acts sort of like a sleeping tablet, does it?

Mr Wright:
Wot?

Prosecutor:
You drive around until you get sleepy and endanger the public with your vehicle and then come home and go to bed, is that it?

Mr Wright:
Yea, that's right. I go for a drive.

Prosecutor:
Uh-huh. So you drive around in the dark until you begin to nod off a bit at the wheel and then miraculously wake up long enough to get home safely.

Mr Wright:
Yea, a nice drive around and maybe a prostitute---without any murder, mind you----helps me feel sleepy after a stressful day.

Prosecutor:
I'm sure it does. What puzzles me, Mr Wright, is why were you unable to sleep in the first place? Was it because you had savagely murdered a human being and had her body in the boot of your car?

Mr Wright:
I had nothing to do with her disappearance. I told you, I couldn't sleep. I had things on my mind.

Prosecutor:
Like the 5 bodies of those young murdered women? You're a forklift driver! What the f**k can you have on your mind? Forward! Lift! Reverse! Left! Right! Move the pallets from the truck! Have some lunch! Tell me, where's the stress?

Defence Attorney:
Objection! The Crown prosecution is badgering the defendant!

Judge:
Sustained. The prosecution will refrain from badgering the defendant.

Prosecutor:
My apologies, my lord. Now, Mr Wright, honestly, why were you seen driving around the area where Miss Nicol's body was found?

Mr Wright:
Are we still on the same question? Man, if you were black you would’ve been sacked by now...

Prosecutor:
I beg your pardon?

Mr Wright:
I told you I drive to unwind. I didn't know her body was around. Anyone's body could've been around.

Prosecutor:
Yes, in fact four more were around, Mr Wright. That's five all together and you've already admitted that you picked up or allegedly rejected those same five prostitutes, isn't that right?

Mr Wright:
Are we about finished here? We seem to be going round in circles.

Prosecutor:
Well let's see: We have your DNA on some of the dead women; you have admitted to using all but one of them as prostitutes; the murders occurred within ten weeks of your moving into the area; you were interviewed by the police no less than 10 times about these murders and you never once said anything but "No comment"; and last but not least, you gave the serial killer’s cliché reply of going for a drive because you couldn't sleep and only just happened to be driving in the exact area where the dead women were found. Yea, I'd say you’re finished here, Mr Wright. The prosecution rests, my lord.

Judge:
Mr Wright, is there anything you'd like to say before the jurors leave to deliberate your fate?

Mr Wright:
My lord. Members of the jury. I would like to take this opportunity to ask each and every one of you to look into your hearts and answer me this question: Can I borrow someone's car?

THE END

©2008 Arlington Roth

Er it's not a joke. It's just a fictionalization of events, with some light banter, and a weak punchline. Maybe if you made if far neater, and shorter, or had a more restrained sarcastic prosecutor?

So you can't sleep? Tried verbena, horlix, or maybe valium? I mean murdering prostitutes isn't available on the NHS, maybe BUPA?

This kind of stuff works better, if you're writing from the point of view, of righteous fury.

I quite liked it.

I laughed out loud at this line:

"Like the 5 bodies of those young murdered women? You're a forklift driver! What the f**k can you have on your mind? Forward! Lift! Reverse! Left! Right! Move the pallets from the truck! Have some lunch! Tell me, where's the stress?"

The punchline wasn't strong enough though.

Cheers for the comments, gentlemen.

I wrote it for NewsRevue before the dude was convicted. It was an experiment to see if I could write a topical/current event sketch since I had never done so before.

I like the results very much. My favourite line was the one about nodding off at the wheel.

The punchline is just fine. If a funnier one exists, then you gentlemen are welcome to suggest one. If you cannot suggest a funnier one, then it does not exist.

It feels good to be the king.

You are a cad and a bounder Skibs! It's got some good lines but is too long for the NR team me thinks. Some prudent editing would have put it in the frame.

Write for yourself, or write for your audience.

NR rarely do anything over 1 may be 2 pages, of well spaced type.

Also anything that long that they would consider, would have to be very, very punchy, and rapid fire.

Your defence I like girls with big asses?
So?
I like girls who are junk in my trunk

It seemed more like poorly-directed stand-up material (in need of a tidy-up) to me than a sketch. The finish wasn't so much a punchline as an end-line. It was reasonably neat enough to end the piece, but the preceding dialogue wasn't funny enough to warrant its lack of punch. The dialogue was flabby and where there was a joke, it was overlong and not funny enough anyway.

I'm all for a neat ending with little "punch" if the rest of it has enough laughs. But I pretty much agree with Sooty.

Quote: James Williams @ March 8, 2008, 2:35 PM

It seemed more like poorly-directed stand-up material (in need of a tidy-up) to me than a sketch. The finish wasn't so much a punchline as an end-line. It was reasonably neat enough to end the piece, but the preceding dialogue wasn't funny enough to warrant its lack of punch. The dialogue was flabby and where there was a joke, it was overlong and not funny enough anyway.

I'm all for a neat ending with little "punch" if the rest of it has enough laughs. But I pretty much agree with Sooty.

View original

Right on, Soot & JW, your comments are much appreciated.
I re-examined the piece in question and found it has remained to be positively wonderful and funny. No changes needed!

I sympathize with your perception that the piece was in need of a tidy and had flabby lines but am utterly unable to agree as it clearly most certainly does not.

It is an excellent result for a 1st time topical/news-based sketchy thang.

I did not bother to send it to NewsRevue as I did not have it completely finished before Wright was convicted.

Gentlemen, I thank you for your participation!

Cheers!
SvS

ok.

n.b. saw the Treason show yesterday, and they had the same skit more or less, only reduce to 3 lines.

Quote: sootyj @ March 8, 2008, 4:45 PM

n.b. saw the Treason show yesterday, and they had the same skit more or less, only reduce to 3 lines.

View original

It is highly probable that they could not think up more than 3 lines (not the brightest bulbs on the tree, them writers for Treason). But nevermind. They gave it their best shot, and that's all anyone can do.

Sir, thank you very much for your participation. We want to hear from you again.

Cheers,
SvS

Quote: Skibbington von Skubber @ March 6, 2008, 1:51 PM

He said he did not have "anything to do" with her disappearance.

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View original

Or her appearance!

Quote: David Chapman @ March 8, 2008, 6:31 PM

Or her appearance!

View original

''

It was nicely written Skibs, and I thought the punchline was pretty good.
It wasn't an in-your-face gag fest kind of sketch, it was dark and subtle, and I enjoyed it.
At least you didn't delete this one before I got a chance to read it anyway!

It was readable but it did not feel like a well written, strong piece. It is your first attempt at a topical sketch but if I was buying it, I would not take that under consideration.

I like my sketches to be funny and I understand you are not new to comedy, so adding jokes wouldn't be a challenge, even topical ones which mainly involve a reference (what else).

I don't think it's bad, I just think it lacked humour or at least humour that I like.

I hope you keep trying though because you have ideas, just in the case IMHO not very well executed for a comedy piece, a piece to make people laugh.