Breakfast

External view, of greasy spoon cafe. A tramp approaches and notices a sign in window: ALL DAY BREAKFAST ONLY £3:75.(Till 3:30)

We see him going through his pockets; it is obvious he doesn't have enough. Despite the heavy rain, he decides to sit outside the shop and begs for more money. Eventually he has exactly the right amount.

Int:Greasy spoon cafe. The tramp rushes in and points to the sign, the waitress checks the time, takes his money and points to an available seat, then disappears into the kitchen.
The tramp wrings out his soaking wet hat, then sits down, rubbing his rumbling tum and licking his trampy lips.
The waitress returns with a bowl of porridge!

OK.

Yea not bad mate. The visual was great. Can he not have something else besides porridge though. Maybe she gives him their bin.
I cant think what else he could have that would give it more zing. Someone else might though.

how about

I didn't order a starter and can I see the wine list please

The joke is that the "all day breakfast" is just a bowl of porridge! I think anything else would just detract from that. But thnanks for the comments.

the problem is he's a tramp who begs in the rain for pennies, he'd be happy with a bowl of poridge.

No, I like it, it does work. It sounds credible that in ripoff Britain they'd charge £3.75 for just a bowl of porridge as well.

Nice idea, but punch is a little weak, and it's a bit cruel (poor tramp)

Now a running set of skits where is presented with more and more improbable things could work.

Maybe A collection of bricks, a martial artist rapidly chops in in half (breaks fast)

Sorry my response was pointless, but it did bump you up and got you some replies! I didn't like it. Not at all. In fact, I'd be tempted to say I hated it. It sounds harsh, but I am only giving my opinion...to give depth to that opinion, I know what you were trying to do, but I didn't think the punchline was big enough or strong enough.

Remember though mate, that that is only one insignificant man's opinion.

I would like to read some more of your sketches though because I'm sure you have much better material that will appeal to me.

I think you need a forerunner to it. Same skit but he's a minute after 3:30. Following day the same thing but he checks clock and he's well under. Then the porridge.

Quote: roscoff @ March 6, 2008, 10:10 AM

I think you need a forerunner to it. Same skit but he's a minute after 3:30. Following day the same thing but he checks clock and he's well under. Then the porridge.

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Great idea that one, with some sad music to make you feel extra sorry for the tramp that he can't get the offer.

Quote: M Lewis @ March 6, 2008, 9:36 AM

the problem is he's a tramp who begs in the rain for pennies, he'd be happy with a bowl of poridge.

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Precisely.

I think with the sad intro music and and Write1's capper you might have something though. Not a whole hill of beans mind.

PS. Also, why do we need to know the exact time the All Day Breakfast offer ends?

I thought the gag was going to be about an all day breakfast ending at 3.30.

It's just a silly little sketch, not a sitcom pilot!

Quote: DIKTURNIP @ March 6, 2008, 8:38 PM

It's just a silly little sketch, not a sitcom pilot!

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No one said it was a sitcom. What they said was it wasn't funny. Then they tried to come up with ways to help you improve it. That's what the critique section is for.