British Comedy Guide

Funerals

Who put the fun in funeral?
I've just come back from one, and have another to go to soon
But today's was fun
RIP auntie Vera,
Meeting all the family again was lovely, shame it couldn;t have been a wedding or something instead.

Does anyone have any good funeral stories
The best i've got is my mates Auntie who got dropped out of the coffin outside the church
and once they'd got her back in, and carried on, the music they played in the Church (by her own previous request) was Queens's " I want to break free "

I've never been to a funeral.

I've discovered a lot of dead bodies...but those stories are neither interesting nor funny (I promise).

Quote: Davida Grimes @ 27th April 2017, 1:09 AM

I've discovered a lot of dead bodies...but those stories are neither interesting nor funny (I promise).

Davida Grim Reaper? :O

Sure, If you like.

(No, I've just worked at a lot of care homes. They were dead before I touched them, I swear!)

That's just what you would say!

I know! Ha.

"Born to Kill?"

Notice of funeral of RCP deleted here & mentioned in a more appropriate topic.

Fun in funeral
I don't know if this story is funny or a little tragic but is is absolutely true and word for word.
I have no need to embellish the story as I couldn't make this up.

A relative of mine died a few years back and I was asked to attend their house when the funeral director came to make the arrangements.
I was there as it was to be a slightly unusual funeral and they wanted me to help with suggestions and take notes.

They had decided the deceased was not in any way religious and so did not want a religious service.
I didn't know it at the time - but this causes big problems.

To be polite, this family are a bit eccentric.
And, there was just about every relative there in the packed out living room

The funeral director asked his usual questions but did not receive the usual answers.

He asked 'buried or cremated?' A long debate ensued with the most unbelievable questions and answers.
'If he is cremated can he still come back and see us?'
'If we only get the ashes, how can we be sure it's him'
'Do you get bits of burnt wood in the urn'

They didn't like the sound of a cremation and decided a burial would be the better option.
I bet the undertaker regretted asking which cemetery and which area of that cemetery they would like him interned.

Twenty minutes or more of debate on which cemetery.
'not that one. not many busses go that way and with my bad leg I can't walk from the town center'
'But there is a co'op close by - you like the co'op.
There was even ' definitely not that one - I have heard it's a gay meeting place'

The proximity of the Co'op eventually clinched it.

Which area?
Not by the roadside, there can be a lot of noisy traffic down that road
Under a tree, it'll keep the rain off.
Not on the main thoroughfare through the cemetery though - I have seen dogs wee on the headstones there.

They were just about settled on the far right corner under a tree, not near the road and out of the way of pissing dogs
when somebody said 'oh he can't go there, Ronnie Birch and his wife are buried there - and he never got on with his wife.

The undertaker then broached the subject of a none-religious service and burial.
He told them of the Humanist society.
Nobody had heard of them (including me) but he said, they will conduct it and talk about his life
with no mention of God.
They liked that.

Then the bombshell.

No church or crematorium (if they change their minds) will allow a none-religious service
They will have to book their own venue to hold the funeral.

With time being of the essence and no one being prepared to hold a funeral on their premises
They eventually managed to book a pub for it,

To be continued............... The funeral.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 28th April 2017, 9:21 AM

Fun in funeral

The undertaker then broached the subject of a none-religious service and burial.
He told them of the Humanist society.
Nobody had heard of them (including me) but he said, they will conduct it and talk about his life
with no mention of God.
They liked that.

Then the bombshell.

No church or crematorium (if they change their minds) will allow a none-religious service
They will have to book their own venue to hold the funeral.

With time being of the essence and no one being prepared to hold a funeral on their premises
They eventually managed to book a pub for it,

To be continued............... The funeral.

I find that really weird. I've been to a couple of humanist funerals (a lot more uplifting than the usual religious misery, I must say) and they were conducted in our local crematorium, no bother. Are the rules different in England?

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 28th April 2017, 9:21 AM

No church or crematorium (if they change their minds) will allow a none-religious service
They will have to book their own venue to hold the funeral.

Your local crematorium will allow humanist services. We had one for my mother - i highly recommend it. We arranged this after my fathers funeral many years earlier where a vicar he had never met kept getting his name wrong.

I went to a friends funeral a couple of years ago where the coffin arrived strapped to a motorbike sidecar. A few weeks later his ashes were put into the firebox of a steam locomotive - great day out!

Quote: playfull @ 28th April 2017, 11:57 AM

A few weeks later his ashes were put into the firebox of a steam locomotive - great day out!

Like it! :)

I have not checked any facts about the crem - but it was definitely what we were told.
Maybe just our local one - it does look like a church inside.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 28th April 2017, 2:37 PM

I have not checked any facts about the crem - but it was definitely what we were told.
Maybe just our local one - it does look like a church inside.

Or maybe the undertaker was just useless.

Quote: keewik @ 28th April 2017, 4:12 PM

Or maybe the undertaker was just useless.

There is always that.

I think he lost patience with the job

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