Skitcomp 8 - 16.2.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to OTTERFOX and FRANKIE RAGE for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your next subject is MORRIS DANCERS (chosen by FRANKIE RAGE).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 16.2.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Frankie, Gappy
2 - 25 - Otterfox
3 - 20 - Playfull
4 - 15 - me
5 - 5 - Carlos Manwelly, Crindy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gbz-Lau5tc

She likes my jizz, I earn red wings
She rides my knight, lil Stevie
She slurps chrome off my pipe
Gets my knees dirty, slobs my knob
She's blown, chicken head
With fellatio, got chewed on

She squeals, my bone in her face
My mallet in her teeth
Can't f**k her vagine I'm out of her beav

Gush my goo on her knees
Splurge her quim on my cock cheese
She likes my jizz

I f**k cake hole like Lewinski
Like a gorilla with a washing machine
Am I just splooging her quiff
Will I bop the poon
Licking her poon tang I'd squelch her brain

She squeals, my bone in my face
My mallet in her teeth
Can't f**k her vagine I'm out of her beav

Gush my goo on her knees
Splurge her quim on my cock cheese
She likes my jizz

[MORRIS DANCERS ARE COMING TO THE END OF A DANCE - STICKS CLACK, BELLS JANGLE, WHITE TROUSERED LEGS JIGGLE. THEY STOP AND SHAKE EACH OTHER'S HANDS, WITH GENERAL CONVIVILIATIES EXCHANGED]

ALWYN: Thanks, good stuff.

FINZI: Yeah! Great game!

ALWYN: Game?

FINZI: Sorry, not game. I meant, match! Great match. Great match of quidditch.

ALWYN: But we...did you...do you think we've been playing quidditch?

FINZI: Course. Because we have.

ALWYN: No. No, we've been morris dancing.

FINZI: Oh, yeah, sure, regional variations, I get that. But, underneath, it's still quidditch.

ALWYN: It's not! Morris is a dance, not a sport.

FINZI: Then why is a group of morris dancers called a side?

ALWYN: I'm not going to answer that.

FINZI: Because I'm right?

FINZI: No, because I don't think enough people know that fact to make it worth developing. .Just take it from me, this wasn't quidditch.

FINZI: How would you know?

ALWYN: Because quidditch is nothing like this. Quidditch is completely different.

FINZI: Quidditch doesn't exist, you know.

ALWYN: Right.

FINZI: So, how can you say what it's not? It can be what you want. Don't be illogical.

ALWYN: It's...I...but...look,I can't quite work out why that doesn't make sense, but I'm sure it doesn't. Anyway, if this was quidditch, who won?

FINZI: Don't know. Depends how got the snitch.

ALWYN: What?

FINZI: Oh, yes. Catching the snitch effectively makes the entire rest of the game of quidditch redundant - a bit like the last round of Only Connect.

ALWYN: That sounds...odd.

FINZI: Yep, completely ridiculous. So, the way I see it, for the rest of a quidditch side, there's as much point in flying about playing gay wizard netball as there is in putting bells on your shins and prancing round the corn exchange.

ALWYN: There's a bit more to morris than that.

FINZI: With sticks.

ALWYN: Yeah, that's pretty much covered it.

FINZI: So, you see, I just figure that anything we do can be called quidditch, so long as someone, somewhere, is chasing the snitch. When they get it, we'll know who won. I saw you doing this last week, thought it looked fun, so figured I'd join in.

ALWYN: Wait - you watched us morris dancing last week?

FINZI: Yep. Loved it.

ALWYN: Gosh, well, literally nobody has ever done that before. Fair enough. Come on, let's join the others in The Bear, I'll buy you a pint. We could play shove ha'penny.

FINZI: Oh, I can't. I'm not a Hindu.

ALWYN: That...that sort of sounds as though it's a logical development of what you've been saying, but actually doesn't make any sense.

FINZI: No. Doesn't matter, we don't have to make sense, we're just filling time till the golden snitch gets caught.

ALWYN: Oh, right. [PAUSE] But, there is no such thing as a golden snitch.

FINZI: Ah. [PAUSE] Yes, of course. [LONG PAUSE] That might be a problem.

[LONG PAUSE, THEN FADE]

INT. TV NEWSROOM - DAY

A NEWSREADER sits at the newsdesk, a SPOKESMAN patiently waits to be interviewed.

NEWSREADER
Now, Sky Sports have been criticised for inflicting another price hike on its customers, despite the channel's recent loss of numerous live broadcast rights. Here to discuss the situation with me is Sky TV's chief spokesperson. How can you defend these price rises?

SPOKESMAN
Well, this tiny, barely newsworthy increase in our subscription packages will allow us to continue to secure the best possible range of sports for our customers.

NEWSREADER
But what about the recent losses your company has suffered from your portfolio? Rugby, football, cricket, you're losing the lot.

SPOKESMAN
Well, Sky Sports have worked tirelessly to secure a plethora of new and better sports to replace any that our competitors may have taken from us.

NEWSREADER
Like what?

SPOKESMAN
Well, we recently launched our all-new interactive coverage of the world's foremost Kabaddi tournament, and from next season, we have secured exclusive rights to the Kazakhstan Premier League, the most up-and-coming professional football league in all of the Kazakhstan region.

NEWSREADER
I see...

SPOKESMAN
And furthermore, I can confirm right here that from next month, Sky Sports will be providing live coverage of Britain's newest and most exciting sport.

NEWSREADER
Which is?

SPOKESMAN
Morris dancing.

NEWSREADER
I'm sorry?

SPOKESMAN
No need to apologise.

NEWSREADER
But how is that a sport?

SPOKESMAN
Well, we've worked long and hard with the British Morris Dancing Federation, and we've put together a brand new rules package for competitive Morris Dancing. The tagline: Two teams enter, one team leaves. While the other team remains in the arena following the pre-agreed rules of 'winner stays on'.

NEWSREADER
I see...

SPOKESMAN
And we'll be ratcheting up the entertainment on the sidelines as well. Pyrotechnics, cheerleaders, live replays on a big screen, fans will never have seen anything like it. Well, fans of morris dancing probably won't, anyway.

NEWSREADER
But morris dancing is a form of choreographed medieval folk art. How have you been able to apply a competitive element?

SPOKESMAN
Well, it's quite simple really. Both dances will be judged on a series of different categories. Style, choreography, the tensile strength of their choice of ribbon...

NEWSREADER
Can it really be called a sport if the victor is decided by a series of subjective judging criteria?

SPOKESMAN
Of course! Is boxing a sport? Or Robot Wars?

NEWSREADER
I'm not sure Robot Wars is.

SPOKESMAN
We'll see about that, when the new series launches on Sky Sports HD later this year!

NEWSREADER
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't really see 'competitive morris dancing' capturing the public's imagination.

SPOKESMAN
Oh, I beg to differ. Sky Sports really feels that this could be to traditional morris dancing what Twenty20 cricket was to...that other type of cricket nobody used to watch.

NEWSREADER
Tests?

SPOKESMAN
We'll be pretty thorough, yes.

NEWSREADER
And how have the teams been selected?

SPOKESMAN
Well, we've also completely overhauled the divisional structure of morris dancing. There will be one dance troupe per region, and we've worked with a top American marketing team to properly brand each franchise.

NEWSREADER
I'm sorry, to brand them?

SPOKESMAN
Indeed. In fact the opening live match will be between the Kendal Earthquakes and the Abingdon Red Sox at the start of next month!

NEWSREADER
And morris dancers are going along with this?

SPOKESMAN
Of course. We can promise them unrivalled television coverage, and plenty of revenue money for the winners. We've got teams from all over the country signed up. Ledbury, Stony Stratford, Calderbridge, Bideford...

NEWSREADER
Cockermouth?

SPOKESMAN
Well, there's no need for that.

NEWSREADER
And what about your critics, who say that if you want to raise your prices, you should be paying more for the rights to real sports, with proper history.

SPOKESMAN
Oh no, we made that mistake with the Formula One. We're not falling for that again.

ANOUNCER. It is the year 2024. The Nation is held in the vice like grip of the fifth year of the May administration's special martial law measures. Food is short and queues are long. The National health service's last remaining public service - the distribution of life ending free high tar cigarettes is about to be shut down by Feared Health Tsar Hunt.

US Life President Trump has announced at the launch of his daughter's spring range of boarder guard uniforms, that he is going to build a moat around the UK and make us pay for it. It is going to be "great, really great", he added.

The will of the people has been crushed after years of news, fake news and fake fake news. The family unit has been smashed after the shockingly vigorous implementation of the spare bedroom tax, followed by the second bedroom tax, followed by the first bedroom tax, followed by the any bedroom tax, followed by the cupboard under the stairs and then stairs tax.

But deep in the heart of Midsummer, resistance is flickering to life.

In a dark cellar a circle of faces are dimly lit by a single naked lightbulb.

DAVE: Right are we all here?

MICKY: Well I'm not sure, it's dark.

RON: And we don't know who you invited? Do we.

MICKY: Is that you Ron?

RON: Micky?

MICKY: Yeah, how are you? I haven't seen you since the free Corben march.

SID: Err, that was fake news.

MICKY: What! No it wasn't, me and Ron went on the march.

SID: Not the march, I mean Corben. Corben didn't exist, he was fake news.

MICKY: Never.

SID: Yep, the Russians hacked the commons and installed a hologram.

RON: Well that explains a lot.

DAVE: Can we get back to the meeting?

KEVIN: Is this a real meeting or a fake meeting?

DAVE: What? It's real you muppet.

KEVIN: Well I get confused, it's so hard to tell what is Fake news and what Isn't.

RON: But you're here, aren't you?

KEVIN: Yes, but my wife left me because she thought I might be fake. So I'm not even sure I'm real.

DAVE: This is it! This is exactly why I called the meeting. The bastards have got us all questioning everything. They control us by keeping us in a state of constant bafflement.

SID: Not everything is fake. Don't forget 'in May we trust'.

DAVE: Yes but remember, think back, when May came to power.

RON: Yes?

DAVE: Well remember...It wasn't James May was it...

MICKY: God no... it was a woman...

DAVE: Yes!

RON: It was Theresa!

DAVE: Halleluiah!

SID: That is Fake news. It has always been James May. The Sun says so.

DAVE: That is another thing, there used to be other newspapers...remember?

SID: Yes but the Sun was the only one we could trust. That's why the others had to go. It said so in the Sun.

DAVE: It's time to fight back. We need to somehow find a beauty in trustagain. Something we can rely on to offer us true timeless values.

MICKY: Just a minute, there are only men here...

DAVE: We need to come together. To forge an unbreakable bond of shared values...

SID: Can I hear tiny bells...

DAVE: Brothers, we can resist together we can forge a new path...

RON: It's bloody Morris dancing again isn't? It's always about Morris dancing with you!

MICKY: Right, I'm off.

SID: Me too, things aren't that bad.

RON: I'd rather trust in May...can I borrow your Sun Sid.

Could have been trimmed a bit, but enjoyed Crindys effort, franchising the teams with names like Kendal Earthquakes tickled me.

Whilst Michael was channelling Bernard Manning, Gappy was fun as ever but it is Crindy for me this week. Nice sketch and particularly liked the F1 ending.

I'll go with MICHAEL - well dung.. in the true spirit of the Morris

Quote: Frankie Rage @ 17th February 2017, 10:10 AM

I'll go with MICHAEL - well dung.. in the true spirit of the Morris

View original

Am I missing something? I can't work out how Michael's fits the theme at all, apart from a tangential relationship to dancing in general. Anyway, Crindy for me - probably in need a of a trim, but balances a good concept with regular gag delivery.

It's half relevant. like saying One Direction are shit hot.
Crindy.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 17th February 2017, 1:21 PM

It's half relevant. like saying One Direction are shit hot.
Crindy.

View original

I'd argue it's half half relevant. But the 1D gag was good, I'd have voted for that

I'll vote for gappy, if only for the phrase 'gay wizard netball'.

Quote: gappy @ 17th February 2017, 5:48 PM

I'd argue it's half half relevant. But the 1D gag was good, I'd have voted for that

View original

I saw on Youtube, 'One Direction: High Quality.' I said, F**k off.