ANGELA: You really can't beat a good football crowd on a Saturday - not since the Met issued body-worn cameras anyway. But the reputation that football is played and watched by thugs and thickos, could be about to change with the announcement that football pundit and mole-rat look-a-like Gary Neville, is to start his own university with former Man United colleagues 'The Class of '92' or as they're better known 'The IQ of '62'. Based in Manchester the university will specialise in sports studies with the best football students predicted to get a 1:2. Newsjack wondered how they might fare in the future against the establishment.
GRAMS: THEME FROM UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
PAXMAN:Now let's meet the team from Gary Neville College, Manchester
NEVILLE: (Dull) Hi I'm Neville Neville Neville-Neville, from Salford reading 'Terrace Chants and Monosyllabic Clichés'. (Chants) At the end of the day, at the end of the day-ee-ay.
ANNA : Hello I am Anna-Tessa Rostrone, from Moscow. Not man. Not KGB. Studying Sports Psychology and Propaganda. I am still also reading David Beckham's emails.
PAXMAN: And their Captain...
JANE: (Exited) I'm Jane Sports-Bra, from Birmingham reading 'The Rise and fall of the Alex Ferguson-Hungarian Empire - the hairdryer years. You looking at my Jubblies! (Deliberate) Trending on twitter #forgetMonkman - i'm sporty-geeky-fit.
PAXMAN: Fingers on buzzers. Your starter for ten. Derived from an oft misquoted Arabian love call, what 4 word term of endearment is given at the marriage ceremony of the Zuma People of Iraq?
FX: BUZZER
ANNOUNCER: Manchester, Sports-bra
JANE: Nominate Neville-Neville
NEVILLE: (Chants) The Referee's a bastard...
ALL: (Chants) The Referee's a bastard.
PAXMAN: I'll give you that, the correct answer was 'God is always right'. Your questions are on conflict. Which planet nestling in the Andromeda Galaxy was controversially named after the 17th century Austrian merchant who founded the Royal Observatory in Vienna in 1683?
JANE: (Hyper) I have no idea but I'm wearing yoga pants! (Dejected) I was too thick to do media.
PAXMAN: I don't think i can give you that
ANNA: I am not man, not KGB but answer is correct, or you meet my friend in dark lane, with umbrella. We play to win.
PAXMAN: That's correct. How did Roman poet Juvenal describe the 1st Century Roman Civil War?
NEVILLE: (Very Dull) It was a game of two halves, they gave 110%, it was a real 6 pointer.
PAXMAN: (Pompous) No, no no that was the first Roman-Jewish war. the answer is 'Who's the wanker in the black'. And finally, which committee decides on the Queen's honours for sport.
JANE: Can I nominate Beckham
PAXMAN: I wouldn't bother.
FX: END OF GAME GONG
ANGELA: We did wonder if the Gary Neville University was an oxymoron. There's a joke there, but we just can't see it.
END