Skit Comp 16 - 24.1.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to OTTERFOX and FRANKIE RAGE for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Otterfox, Frankie
1 - 5 - Crindy, me

Your next subject is SPORT (chosen by PLAYFULL).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 24.1.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 35 - Frankie
2 - 25 - Gappy
3 - 20 - Playfull. Otterfox
4 - 15 - me
5 - 5 - Carlos Manwelly, Crindy

In the interests of sporting fair play i should point out that i didn't win the last comp.

Consider it dung.

I joined a committee preparing a proposal to make craps an Olympic sport. I told 'em, no way - too dicey. As an alternative, I said how about a sport for Trade Union Officials competing on who can say the word 'Appertaining' in the most profound manner.

Apparently, this was in consideration for the 1956 Summer Olympics in Melbourne when a ex-pat Yorkshire man, one Albert Residue (his slogan, 'always leave a little something behind') issued a 'r-eight belter' that is, an absolute thunderous and resonating 'Appertaining'.

Unfortunately though this 'worried' a few of the local sheep and his lack of 'Poll Dorset correctness' left him vilified and horribly taunted throughout the territory by the unmerciful 'bleatarati' which somewhat sullied the reputation of the 'sport' at that time.

Albert oft retorted (meeting with further abuse) that, '..it were on'y a few bleatin' sheep fer crisakes', but at any rate it halted a major sporting phenomenon in its tracks, well, according to Albert.

OK, so maybe craps is a better bet..

I've been asked to add a footnote:
I was unable to get a note out of my foot but what they wanted me to allude to was the irony of Albert's situation in 1956 because Albert, of course, was THE 'little Albert' who was so cruelly robbed of the title of World Farting Champion some 40 years earlier.

It was 1934, a year very much like this one, when the Scouts versus Guides faced each other off in the strictly amateur contest and the Chief Girl Guide had let out a stinky one which was in fact a number 6 on the RASPA scale. To the non-technical and uninitiated that is 'one helluva fart' of truly World Class status (pronounced statt-huss). Just as she came forward not expecting any sort of challenge, little Albert stepped out and let off a 6.5.

Well, there was uproar with the Chief Girl Guides family loudly disputing little Albert's validity. They claimed (and it was outrageously upheld at the time) that he was in fact no less than 'little Fred, the phantom farter' who was thought to be dead some ten years earlier in a farting tragedy (the now outlawed, 'freestyle farting without pants') but now 'back from the dead' and put in as a ringer by Scout leaders. As a former professional of course Fred would not have been eligible in the competition.

Although the title (and medal) for that event was eventually passed to Albert in later years, with history re-written and his honour fully restored, he never farted again.

Well now, back to those craps.. I just don't see it as an Olympic sport, I really don't..

Early days...

LANDLORD: Morning, squire, what can I do for you?

CLAMP: Is this the Nag's Head?

LANDLORD: That's right, boss.

CLAMP: And are you Mr Garrold Cripps?

LANDLORD: That's me indeed, proud proprietor of the finest pub in town.

CLAMP: Then, Mr Cripps, on behalf of Clamp, Cramp and Bejesus, solicitors, I am here to serve you.

LANDLORD: No, no, *I* serve *you*. You never been in a pub, son?

CLAMP: I am here to serve a cease and desist notice.

LANDLORD: Ah, I'm not very good on cocktails.

CLAMP: A cease and desist notice is a legal document that enshrines the requirement for you to stop doing something - in this instance, showing football on that large screen.

LANDLORD: But I'm all paid up on my Sky contract. I can get you the receipts if you want.

CLAMP: No, I'm afraid the fact that money has changed hands is immaterial. My client, the landlord of the Twig & Dachshund in Altringham, has exclusive rights to the broadcast of sporting endeavours as outsized projections.

LANDLORD: How come?

CLAMP: Because said hostelry is the home of big screen sports. They have a sign that says so.

LANDLORD: And that gives them legal rights, does it?

CLAMP: I would say so. Do you have a sign, Mr Cripps?

LANDLORD: No, but-

CLAMP: Then you cannot be the home of big screen sports. Therefore, if you continue to keep big screen sports here, where we agree is not its home, you will be guilty of, at best, copyright infringement, at worst, kidnapping.

LANDLORD: Alright. Can we be the home of medium sized screen sports?

CLAMP: I'm afraid the King Harold of Nottingham has secured that honour.

LANDLORD: Smallish screen sports?

CLAMP: The Alderman's Arms of Towcester, I'm afraid.

LANDLORD: Radio 5 up loud?

CLAMP: The Dram O' Friendship in rural Aberdeenshire has taken that right - pity, as they can't get Five Live there. Perhaps it's a tax dodge. Or a joke.

LANDLORD: So, what am I supposed to do?

CLAMP: I suggest you put up a sign to show you're home of something else, pretty swiftly, otherwise you'll not be able to do anything in this public house.

LANDLORD: Home of fruit machines?

CLAMP: Gone.

LANDLORD: Home of crisps?

CLAMP: Too late.

LANDLORD: Backgammon?

CLAMP: Nope.

LANDLORD: Home of men reminiscing about wars they weren't in?

CLAMP: Nice try, but no.

LANDLORD: How about The Nag'sHead, home of late night car park argy-bargy?

CLAMP: Dagenham's The Glottal Stop has had that right for some years, I regret.

LANDLORD: Right. Look, why don't you check your list, and tell me if there's anything left we can be the home of, before I shut the doors forever?

CLAMP: You could always be the home of lager, Mr Cripps.

LANDLORD: What good's that? Nobody comes to the pub for the Carling! It's about 20p a pint in Morrison's.

CLAMP: Yes. And it tastes like shit.

LANDLORD: That is definitely the truth, and not a matter of opinion - you should know, you're a lawyer.

CLAMP: Yes.

LANDLORD: Hang about - can this pub be the home of complaining about how supermarkets are killing old-fashioned pubs, and how crap beer is nowadays, and what actually is a craft keg, anyway, whilst we're on the subject?

CLAMP: Erm...yes, that one's available. Although, I must admit, I thought there'd we'd end up with something better.

LANDLORD: Yeah, me too...me too...

Final scores on Sky Sports.
Funny abbreviations for teams come up on the screen:

Steve 2, Carl 1
Swans 3, Shrews 2
Wok 3, Barrow 2
Brain 2, Read 4

REPORTER INTERVIEWING A FOOTBALLER AFTER A MATCH.

INTERVIEWER:
So Gary it finished one all. Do you feel that's a fair result all things considered?

GARY:
Well I actually haven't considered all things, but of the things I have considered maybe 2-2 would have been a fairer reflection.

INT:
Ok.. well you seem to be two very evenly matched sides. Would you share that view?

GARY:
I suppose so. I mean, I felt we dominated the first half but so did they and again in the second half.

INT:
At what point did you realise it was going to end in a stalemate?

GARY:
Well for me personally I knew when the final whistle blew that that was pretty much it.

INT:
And you seemed to be up for todays game. You gave a good display in the centre of the park.

GARY:
Oh well you know, we have a great bunch of lads they always give 110% we have a great manager who prepared us well for todays game.

We were happy to come away with a draw. It's another point on the board at the end of the day.

INT:
You're definitely not our man-of-the-match but thanks for joining us anyway. Back to you in the studio.

PRESENTER AND PUNDIT IN STUDIO.

PRESENTER:
Thanks Jim and thanks to Gary too. What did you make of his performance?

PUNDIT:
I thought it was solid but a little patchy in places. I just picked out a clip that I feel illustrates this...

CUT TO CLIP OF INTERVIEW GARY JUST GAVE.

PUNDIT:
..Here we see where he's asked when he realised it would end in a stalemate.
We can quite clearly see he takes his eyes off the interviewer. He can't afford lapses in concentration like that. Having said that he's young and it's still early in the season so I think that will develop in time.

Again with the final question we see him looking away. He tries to make up for this but I feel maybe that he didn't hear the question properly and just replied with a bunch of cliched answers. In the lower divisions you can get away with this but in the topflight all these are going to be spotted.

PRESENTER NODS IN AGREEMENT.

PRESENTER:
Thanks for that. We still have much more to come after the break. We hear from both managers and don't forget to enter our interview-of-the-month competition including these crackers..

CUT TO CLIPS OF ANOTHER PLAYERS BEING INTERVIEWED.

PLAYER:
..A game against this team is like playing chess with a duck. You know you should win but you don't know what to expect..

PLAYER 2: (SHAKESPERIAN MODE)
And whence the ball was ousted from thine bosom not once, not twice nay thrice. The outcome mattered greatly for those that see may not see the light from yonder window and thrust the ball with greatest vigour in the back of the bloody net.

MANAGER: (RURAL IRISH)
Ah shur Jaysus Chrisht almighty I'll tell ye something now lads. There's a crowd of players coming down there and the sparks that flew; Jaysus I'm surprised the fire brigade weren't called. And I'm blue in the face from telling the boys that you may aswell be arguing with a thistle as arguing with dem lads. And their number five. He wasn't a man at all shur, he was a bull and the one ting...

FADE OUT.

END.

CHAIR: So that is unanimous, the IOC rejects 'Badger Baiting's' application to become an Olympic event.

SOUNDS OF PEOPLE AGREEING

CHAIR: Well if that is all, then I think a spot of lunch...

ASSISTANT: There is one more application Mr President, a personal application from a Gentleman from the UK.

AUSTRALIAN MEMBER: Not another bloody cycling event is it? Medal greedy bastards.

GERMAN DELEGATE: Yes this will be for 'people with mutton chops, called Bradley Wiggins on a unicycle'!

CHAIR: Well we had better see him. Ask him to come in please.

AUSTRALIAN DELEGATE: Bloody British, always taking the piss.

GERMAN DELEGATE: No that's the Russians who take away the piss.

RUSSIAN DELGATE: Hey Fritz! Say that again when NATO has gone!

CHAIR: Gentleman please!

MAN WEARING UK TRACKSUIT ENTERS

CHAIR: Hello Mr?

Mr PIE: Mr Pie, Mr Harry Pie.

CHAIR: And what is the name of your sport, Mr Pie?

Mr PIE: 'Muff Diving'

CHAIR: I don't think I have heard of 'Muff Diving'?

AUSTRALIAN DELEGATE: Can I just say the Australian Delegate is happy to give this a yes straight away.

CHAIR: This 'Muff Diving', is it dangerous?

Mr PIE: It could be, depends what time her husband comes home.

CHAIR: Is this a sport that suitable for both men and women?

Mr PIE: Well traditionally it had been a mixed event, but I suppose it is open to both male and female contestants. In fact in the female only category you could happily change ends at half time.

AUSTRALIAN DELEGATE: That is a definite yes from me.

GERMAN DELEGATE: Is this a speed based event?

Mr PIE: I would say it is more about technique and stamina than speed. That and holding your breath of course.

CHAIR: And who do you see this sports target audience as?

Mr PIE: Well I see it appealing to the same audience as 'Beach Volleyball', and for much the same reasons.

CHAIR: Well Mr Pie we will consider your application over lunch. But just one more question, does 'Muff Diving' require any special equipment?

Mr PIE: Well if she is a big girl you might want to tie a plank across your back.

GAPPY takes this one (for me..)

I nearly went for this

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 18th January 2017, 9:28 AM

Consider it dung.

View original

Which i assume is Michael giving careers advice to a Chinaman...

But went for gappy

Otterfox for me this week; I enjoy his usual madcap style, but I do love a trad sketch, and this is a really great example (I must dig my own clichéd sports interview sketch out sometime).

Bugger, too late. Gappy just pimps it from Otterfux.

And it's Gappy for me. 'The Twig & Daschund' - fantastic name for a pub!

Gappy, excellent.