First Scene of Golf Sitcom - Advice appreciated

Hey this is my first scene of my sitcom I've been writing, set in a golf club. I would appreciate any advice on what could be improved as I find the opening scene of a pilot episode very hard to write. Cheers.

SCENE 1 - INT - RESTAURANT - 19:00

The restaurant is packed for the leaving dinner of female captain STACEY CONNORS. 3 younger people are sat together. One of the boys, Aaron, is midway through a story. The other two look bored.

AARON
Yeah so the 15th was like this long par 4 with a dogleg left about 360 yards, similar to the 7th that I was just talking about. So wind against me, uphill, how far do you think I hit it?

JAMES
160?

AARON
Double it. About 250. And yeah so birdied that to get two under, so a pretty good round if you ask me.

JAMES
That's great but did you want another drink like I asked?

AARON
Oh yeah. Same again cheers.

James gets up to go to the bar leaving AARON to chat with Alice.

AARON
And then came the par 5.

ALICE
Oh for f...

Cuts to JAMES at the bar. An attractive woman similar to his age comes to talk to him.

JENNIFER
James! Oh my god what are you doing here?

JAMES has no clue who she is.

JAMES
WOW. It's... It's good to see you... friend. How are you?

JENNIFER
I'm good thanks. This is fun right?

JAMES
Yep. Just how I like to spend my Saturday nights.

JENNIFER
This is totally my scene.

JAMES
Yeah that's weird I was just saying to my mates, 'you'd know who'd love this? Sarah...' and you as well as Sarah, because that's not your name!

JENNIFER
(awkwardly) Yes.

Jennifer spots a sign that says '40 years'.

JENNIFER
40 years! I can't believe granny's been here so long.

JAMES
(JOKING) Yeah the old bat. I'm surprised she's not dead yet! Bloody grandma!

JENNIFER
She is actually my gran.

JAMES
Shit. I mean... shit.
(nervously) Seriously she's great, got a lot of funny memories of her.

JENNIFER
Oh yeah?

JAMES
Now? (making a story up) Oh um... there was this one time where she hit this shot and it hit a... um... hit an eagle...

JENNIFER is anticipating more of a story.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Oh... and then I said 'That doesn't count as a birdie!'

Silence.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Because she hit a bird with her shot.

JENNIFER
No I understand it's just you know...

She walks off. James goes back to the table, AARON is still mid-story.

AARON
... and then I putted for par. Now yesterday's round... Where are our drinks?

JAMES
Oh shit!

AARON
Great you see a pair of tits in front of you and you lose all focus!

JAMES
Well no wonder I can't concentrate when I'm sat here then.

ALICE looks freaked out and covers her chest.

JAMES
I'm calling you both tits... I'm not staring at those.

Silence.

AARON
I'll get my own bloody drink then shall I?

AARON walks off the other two are sat in an awkward silence.

JAMES
I mean there's nothing wrong with your br...

ALICE
Who was she then?

JAMES
Good call, changing the subject. I'm not sure, she knew me but I have no idea. Was she the weird one with braces and glasses at school?

ALICE
That was me. I wasn't weird!

JAMES
No not you. The one everyone called Alice the phallus... Oh no that was you.

ALICE
No one called me that.

AARON returns with three drinks.

AARON
There you are Phallus. Hey remember when we used to call her Phallus at school?

ALICE
Piss off Aaron.

AARON
So James what was your line you used to that lucky girl?

JAMES
I said her gran was about to die.

AARON and Alice look puzzled.

AARON
Did it work?

JAMES
It's up in the air. Do you know who she is?

AARON
Is it Amy, the weirdo from school?

ALICE
I think its Lucy.

JAMES
Tenner it's Jennifer?

AARON & ALICE
Deal.

(CHARLIE) AARON's DAD and the club captain gets up on stage in the background. He hits his glass to make a speech.

CHARLIE
Attention everyone. Your captain would like to speak.

A couple carry on talking.

CHARLIE
Hey! Silence when the captain is speaking! Do you want me to permanently ban you?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
You don't have that authority.

CHARLIE
No, but I can request an 'expellment' form from the owner, put your name on it and then in 4-6 weeks you will have to have a meeting with him to potentially get a lifetime ban. So what's your name?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
Well i'm not going to tell you then, am I?

CHARLIE
Don't be a dick. Tell me your name.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
No.

CHARLIE
Tell me your name!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
Get on with it you pillock.

CHARLIE
(angry) I'm the captain. I deserve all of your respect! (joking) Now im not saying Stacey's old but the head boy in her year was Shakespeare!

SILENCE

CHARLIE
It's a joke. She's not actually 400 years old... Mrs Connors has played here for over 42 years and has hit over 200,000 shots on this course... which is what most women hit in a single round.

Someone coughs.

CHARLIE
Come on let me speak, you're ruining it. But seriously she's a really good golfer... for a woman. She's got nowhere near my best score of 61, but she kept trying so... what was your best like eighty-something? Where was I...? Oh yes she's good but not as good as me. Aaron, tell everyone the time I drove the ball 350 yards.

AARON
Well I wasn't really measuring it.

CHARLIE
No, but it was around 350.

AARON
I guess.

CHARLIE
350 yards. I'll just let that sink in. Anyway lets raise a glass to STACEY CONNORS who can now sit back and spend her time in the kitchen... where she should be. To STACEY.

A muffled response. STACEY then steps up to the microphone.

STACEY
Thank you CHARLIE. I've been here for a long time...

CHARLIE
(interrupting) And then some!

He laughs to himself.

STACEY
I've been here a long time and had the honour of meeting some great people...

CHARLIE
Yeah like Shakespeare!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
You've already made that joke.

CHARLIE
It's called humour. She's loving it.

She looks unimpressed

AUDIENCE MEMBER#1
Well you've had your moment so let her speak.

STACEY
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone whos known me, worked here or has just made these last 40 years great. So thank you.

CHARLIE
Pfft. That's not very funny.

STACEY
Oh and also thank you to CHARLIE who has been a great frien... associate for many years. 350 yards eh? That's not the first time you've lied about the length of something.

The crowd laugh and applaud.

CHARLIE
Didn't lie and if you're referring to my penis, it's actually 2cm above average in the right conditions... so yeah.

The crowd are silent again.

STACEY
Oh and before I go I'd like to introduce the club's new captain. She's a fantastic golfer, and a brilliant granddaughter. Give a warm welcome to JESSICA CONNORS.

The girl James was talking to walks up and hugs STACEY.

JAMES
HAHA! In your face, it's JESSICA! Get in!

People turn to look at him.

JAMES
(embarrassed) Sorry, she's just a great girl, I'm happy for her.

FADE OUT.

Hey Dave. I think you could vary the characters' names a bit more: you have James, Jennifer/Jessica and Alice and Aaron. Good original premise though. Might be better if James approaches Jessica to pull her but keeps putting his foot in it, rather than her approach him. It's really funny the way he bombs though.
I think Aaron returns a bit too quickly with the three drinks - unless they are all cans or something.
Charlie's a really good character - I like the way he makes everything about him; even someone's retirement do. Is he the main character? It feels like it from this scene.
James is really pleased that the girl's name is confirmed as Jessica - but his guess was Jennifer. So if you intended that, then the joke didn't quite land for me.

Overall, this is quite nicely written - would be interested in reading more.
Hope this helps - best wishes
Alan

Why is James at this awful club? His reaction to Aaron imply he's not that keen on golf.
I think you need to explain this up front - especially if this is the main location/premise of the sitcom.

That was my thought too, I wasn't sure of the relationship of everyone to the club: I think it could be fun if there were one person who hates golf (maybe he got the membership as a present and goes there to avoid the wife, or he works there, or it's the cheapest beer in the county, or whatever). I guess I'd like to see the characters' roles and relationships laid out ast the start.

Some very nice lines, and I like how you have varied the tempo and exchanges without leaving the single set, and then built the scene to a finale. I'm not convicned by Charlie's speech, though, I feel as though the unfunny speech is a bit of a well-trodden apth, and some of these remind me quite specifically of Brent's welcome to the Swindon branch.

I think this is a strong start, good stuff, I'd say it has potential.

Thanks for the responses and feedback everyone. Much appreciated. I'll clear up a couple of things;
The names were meant to be similar for a joke later in the episode but I may change them if they're a bit dull,
Janes works there as a Green keeper but I didn't want to cram too many characters in one scene.

Quote: gappy @ 31st December 2016, 2:04 PM

Some very nice lines, and I like how you have varied the tempo and exchanges without leaving the single set, and then built the scene to a finale. I'm not convicned by Charlie's speech, though, I feel as though the unfunny speech is a bit of a well-trodden apth, and some of these remind me quite specifically of Brent's welcome to the Swindon branch.

View original

I wanted to portray Charlie as a guy who has a big ego and thinks he's the greatest at everything because of his golf skills and I thought a speech was the easiest way to do this but I agree it's a similar character trait to Brent.

Also I like your idea of the guy who hates the place who stays there to get out of the house so I may 'steal' that idea if you don't mind?

Also are there any lines/jokes that are obviously rubbish?

Quote: Dave C @ 31st December 2016, 5:06 PM

Also I like your idea of the guy who hates the place who stays there to get out of the house so I may 'steal' that idea if you don't mind?

Also are there any lines/jokes that are obviously rubbish?

View original

You'd be most welcome to have that idea.

The only specific joke I didn;t like was the pair of tits bit. It's probably not my sort of line anyway, but generally it felt like awkward banter, you could see the join, as it were. Contrast the "that was me" for the weird gril at school, that slipped into the conversation really nicely and made me smile.

I think a golf club is a bit too snooty to be a location for a sitcom, I know that in Scotland everyone plays golf, so maybe sell it to a Scots company?

It definitely is not set in a private members only club as I too thought that'd be too snooty, it's instead set in a failing, Yorkshire/Midlands one that is cheap. So basically if you read all the characters with a thick northern accent you'll think it's set in a place as common as dirt!

I liked the character Charlie. He was completely self centred, sexist and offensive. For me he was the standout person in your extract and I couldn't help laughing at a few things he said.

There doesn't seem to be a plot yet, you're just establishing characters. You need to have both, working together.

Quote: Deferenz @ 28th July 2017, 12:39 AM

I liked the character Charlie. He was completely self centred, sexist and offensive. For me he was the standout person in your extract and I couldn't help laughing at a few things he said.

View original

Hey Deferenz, thanks for that compliment I appreciate it. For some reason Charlie is the easiest character to write for... I don't know what that says about me.

Quote: beaky @ 28th July 2017, 10:20 AM

There doesn't seem to be a plot yet, you're just establishing characters. You need to have both, working together.

View original

Cheers for the feedback Beaky, reading it through I agree it's just people talking and not really going anywhere and could possibly be a bit boring. I've thickened the plot up a bit in the rewrite by adding a molehill infestation on the course.

Write the plot first. You want a main A plot and a secondary B plot, a third minor one if possible. The molehill one sounds like the B plot. If you've got a tablet, I recommend the Index Cards app. I learned the hard way that you've got to have a really good tight plot before you even think of dialogue and jokes.

Quote: beaky @ 28th July 2017, 10:20 PM

Write the plot first. You want a main A plot and a secondary B plot, a third minor one if possible. The molehill one sounds like the B plot. If you've got a tablet, I recommend the Index Cards app. I learned the hard way that you've got to have a really good tight plot before you even think of dialogue and jokes.

View original

I would totally agree with beaky on this. I too learnt the hard way. When I first started writing sitcom I pretty much dived into the script writing and banter straight away, but this only led to a bit of a tangled mess. Or if I'm being honest, a lot of a mess. Looking back though I don't actually regret it. I was self taught and I had to learn the ropes somehow, and I still had a lot of fun writing it. Now though, I do not even consider the actual script writing until I have my story/plot fully worked out, and I look to ensure that every strand (the A, B & C that beaky mentions) all neatly intertwine and then tie up to the overall story. When you have done this you will likely find, to use a cliche, the first draft of your script pretty much writes itself. Of course there are many rewrites to go after that, as well as sessions to improve the dialogue and jokes, but getting that first draft completed is a big achievement in itself and worthy of a pat on the back and a slap up chicken madras takeaway.

Wow thanks for the in-depth critique and advice you two, I really do appreciate it and will use it to helpfully better the script. Also I guess I don't have to pay for any script help with everyone's help on here!!

In regards to the plot, I have rewritten the episode now and it has the molehill plot and showing the new ladies captain around the course as the two plot strands which I think connect quite well now