One year on, five drafts later Page 2

Hi all. James Carey's advice on pilots I think reinforces what's being suggested about getting to the 'shaking things up' part early? http://sitcomgeek.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/writing-pilot.html

Quote: maffew @ 2nd November 2016, 7:42 PM

i don't really see how you could get that scene across in a couple of lines

View original

I didn't say that.
I said you could get the information it contains across - ie she lives a hectic lifestyle whilst trying to hold down a job as a school teacher.
The opening lines of the scene on page four where she wakes in fancy dress does more than enough to describe her lifestyle and the place she lives. And those unnecessary first four pages of 'teaser' are a lot more than a minute of screen time, I assure you.
I know this sounds sarky, but it's not meant to be - write a novel.
If you want to share your experiences of living in a warehouse - if you want people to know how it 'feels' to be caught up in a chaotic lifestyle - if you have some great anecdotes - perhaps some moving moments - if you enjoy great descriptive writing - write a novel.
Not a sitcom.
Or even a film, come to that.
It's an entirely different discipline, where style must always be sacrificed to content.
Where brevity is the soul of wit.
Where story is all and where, like a shark, that story must keep moving.
Sorry, that's all I have.
Apart from, lose the "Cut To's" - literally no-one uses them now.

Don't be disheartened, five drafts is nothing - I lost count of the number of rewrites I had to do.
You've had some excellent advice from Lazzard, who knows what he's talking about. If you wants to write a successful sitcom, you've got to take people's advice on board, and concentrate on a fast-moving plot that starts on page one, and lose the long-winded set-ups. You can do it!

Thanks guys - I'm not trying to be defensive and I'm not disheartened you guys have been really helpful, -and I can be a bit precious about my long descriptive pieces, I like getting lost in the visual, probably to the detriment of actual comedy... I'm gonna tweak this and finish it over the course of the next two weeks... if I narrowed down the opening and brought the new guy in in earlier and not save him till the end do you think it would help?

Quote: maffew @ 3rd November 2016, 3:29 PM

if I narrowed down the opening and brought the new guy in in earlier and not save him till the end do you think it would help?

View original

Without a shadow of a doubt.
Bear in mind, whoever you start with - thats who the story's about.
If its about him, he needs to appear by page 3 - preferably page 1.
And don't keep apologising, but subtly defending, the wordy descriptions - cut them by at least 75%.
The only things that matter are character and story - the rest is set decoration and not your job - it just slows everything down.
As an experiment, format it in BBC sitcom-style - BBC WritersRoom has the templates - you'll instantly see how those great chunks of description clog things up.
And those bits are called 'action' for a reason!! Tell us whats happening, not what the place smells like.
Decide what each scene has to achieve, then achieve it as quickly as possible - join the action as late as you can, leave as early as you dare.
Have no truck with banter.
And did I mention the "Cut To's"?

Good luck, mate.

Quote: Lazzard @ 3rd November 2016, 4:26 PM

And did I mention the "Cut To's"?

View original

You did, I come from a film writing and directing background, it's hard to not think in cuts - they're very much alive and well in film scripts, but that's not what I'm writing I suppose..

Been checking out the comedy examples on the BBC site - you're right, they're brief and to the point... I got bored and distracted reading most of them, I had no context, it didn't interest me.. for a bit of contrast I skipped over to the drama section, Peaky Blinders.. found the below example.. It immediately grabbed my interest - people DO write like me - just not in sitcom land.. I don't really want to change the way I write, I like it, it's just wrong for TV sitcoms, obviously. I dunno... I'm going to strip it down and add some more gags for the channel 4 submission, and see how I go..

EXT. SLUM STREET - DAY 1 - 16:55 1/3

We are in a typical Small Heath tenement court. The yard is
a hundred foot long and dissected by a cobbled street. Two
four-storey tenements glare at each other across the
cobbles. Lines of washing are strung across the courtyard
and the sheets flap in the breeze.

Dozens of children of all ages, all barefoot and dressed in
rags, are playing on the cobbles. Women are hanging
washing or bringing it in, calling out to each other, their
voices echoing against the tenement walls. The air fizzes
with yelling and laughter.

We spend a moment with these people. A little boy pulls open
the door of an outside lavatory, exposing an old man inside,
to general hilarity. There are various cats and dogs about
the place. Tucked behind a blackened brick wall an illegal
gin still drips it's lethal liquor into a stone jar.

The women are all dressed in billowing dresses (in Victorian
style) with brightly colored calico head-scarves wrapped
around their heads.

In spite of the poverty, there is a feeling of huge energy
and vigor, rather than despair. In the background we hear
the thumping roar of heavy engineering factories.

After a few moments, a man riding a beautiful black horse
trots into the courtyard. The horse's hooves click on the
cobbles.

Instantly, all talking and laughter stops. Whispered word
goes around the children and mothers like wildfire. All
games are frozen. Washing is left in baskets. Mothers turn
to the crowds of children to summon their own.

We study the man who has produced such instant terror as he
rides into the courtyard. He is immaculately dressed in a
dark suit (odd for a man riding a horse) and his boots are
polished. He is mid-thirties, handsome and well groomed.
On his head he wears a Stetson Hatteras cap angled steeply
over his forehead, with generous folds of cloth hanging
over his ears. The peak puts his dark eyes in shadow.

This man is THOMAS Shelby.

Hey, look, you've got to do whatever makes you happy.
Good as he is, Steven Knight is atypical among drama writers - so I think you choose him as a benchmark at your peril.
And, as you say, all wrong for comedy.
The painful truth we all have to face, as writers, is that when someone reads our script , chances are they just go "Yadda, yadda, yadda," until they reach some meaningful action or dialogue. All that honed prose is wasted - mentally they're putting a red pen through it.
So, at best useless, at worst, it gets in the way and kills the sale.
On the "Cut To" front, I urge you to check out some recent screenplays - http://www.simplyscripts.com/oscar88.html They really are old hat - and more importantly they waste space.
Anyway - it's your call.
Enjoy your writing.

not to get bogged down in semantics, but I picked 2 scripts at random from that site - diary of a teenage girl and ex machina... i count 4 or 5 cut to's in the first 10 pages of Diary, ex machina had 4 on the FIRST page - but i get what you're saying, and checking a few others they seemed to be anomalies - I do read a lot of recent scripts, by the way, my brother's an actor and I read a lot of the scripts he gets sent, I'm not existing in a bubble or anything, I've always just used cut to for a significant scene or time change and used sluglines just to change location.. if they've been phased out gradually i just didn't notice - i agree on them taking up space though..

Way before my sitcom got to production stage, I was told to get rid of "cut to", which I'd used after every scene. I don't think it works well with Final Draft either, which is what everyone in the industry uses.

took some advice, first draft of my first scene - waffle removed, not super joke heavy yet but room for improvement... https://www.pdf-archive.com/2016/11/05/live-work-new-cene-1/live-work-new-cene.pdf edit: just noticed i included the title page, oops..

Excellent.
I know everything I need to know about her and her life, I'm invested in her - interested in what happens to her.
Can't help feeling you're wasting an opportunity in the classroom - some sort of visual juxtaposition between her grisly state and the innocence of her little charges. As a father, when I've had a terrible hangover and your innocent little toddler jumps on the bed and asks why Dad's eyes are all wobbly - there is a particular deep shame that would be good to mine at this point..
I think the African religious types and the rave 'juxtaposition' might be lost - not sure it's particularly 'filmable'.
In fact I'm not sure about that bike scene in general.
I'm sure that kind of thing occurs - you may have experienced it yourself - but might it be so far removed from the average viewer/readers experience that it feels unbelievable? Not sure.
Now, i don't know where you intend to go with this - but if the 'straight' guy is still in it - and you intend it to be a two-hander between Steph and him - he needs to crop up in the next scene.
Parallel action is the obvious route - but not the only one.
Anyway - I think this is vastly improved.
Good luck.

the africans/ravers happens every sunday - one time there was literally a carpark rave opposite the africans arriving for church.. it could stay it could go, it was my original inspiration for this angle.. I'm going to expand the classroom bit a little in the full version, this is scene one for channel 4 comedy blaps, and it needs to be 4 pages-ish - need to do 2 more plus the whole episode, treatment and supporting media.. next scene is written, it's her tripping in the headmasters room being fired, then she heads home, says shes lost her job, we meet the other flatmates along with Jack coming back into it, she says she's moving out, the place is a bad influence etc, then Caleb arrives, new housemate, she goes back on her word and decides to stay when she sees him. I'm kind of winging it now, this has tripped me up a bit and it's a different show slightly, but I think it's better - thanks for the feedback! Got 30 days to really iron this out and get it right

That's much better. Nice and pacy. Now's the time to introduce another strand of the plot - there's to be a school inspection? One of the kids is in trouble and asks advice? Keep it moving. You can add jokes later.

If it's of any interest to anyone still, i've been editing away, I've decided to focus on one character per episode - this is the first 10 pages of Stephs episode.
SCENE ONE

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Quiet.

A dripping tap provides a metronome in silence.

Party debris; a sea of sleeping bodies, entangled in
detritus.

From beneath the mass of people a head pops up with a start.

This is Steph, 29.

She winces in pain.
TITLE: STEPH

STEPH
Oh...

She holds her head and sits up.

STEPH
Oh God...

She is in hideous fancy dress.

Face painted badly, like a lion, wig tangled round her neck.

JACK, 31, rolls off the couch.

A crunch and clatter of empty cans beneath him.

JACK
Morning!

STEPH
(holding her head)
Shush - don't, don't be chipper.

JACK
I can't help it - hangovers agree
with me.

He sits up leaning against the couch. An arm from a sleeping
person behind him flops over his shoulder.

STEPH
This isn't a hangover it's a
sensory assault.
 2.

She falls to her knees at the living room table and paws at a
pint glass of water, putting it to her lips and drinking
deeply.

She immediately gags and spits it back into the glass.

JACK
(laughing)
Shit, what is it?

STEPH
Ugh, vodka...

Picking something out of her mouth.

STEPH
...And cigarettes.

Jack passes her another glass, she chugs it down, grimacing
at the taste.

STEPH
What time is it?

JACK
Almost eight.

STEPH
Tits! I've got work.

JACK
What? You don't work on Sunday.

STEPH
It's Monday, Jack, get your shit
together.

She grabs her bag and goes to leave.

JACK
Might wanna check the mirror, you
look like Mufasa!

She marches back and checks the mirror.

STEPH
I know that, I know - I was just
checking the... thing.

She goes into the bathroom.

Jack picks up her cup and pokes his finger in the bottom - a
squidgy white paste lines the bottom of the cup, he tastes it
and shudders.
 3.

She comes out of the bathroom wiping her face. She's shed the
brunt of the fancy dress and looks semi-respectable.

STEPH
Do I look OK?

JACK
Borderline - you've got a minor
crack whore vibe going on.

STEPH
How minor?

JACK
It's subtle, but it's there.

She puts gum in her mouth.

STEPH
Mmm, I can work with that, I've got
foundation in my bag. I've gotta
shoot!

She grabs her backpack and heads out.

Jack reaches for an open can on the table, cautiously sniffs
it and puts it to his lips.

INT. STAFF ROOM - MORNING

Other teachers are milling around drinking coffee.
 4.

Steph is routing through the fridge.

DAN, 30, glasses, sweater vest, corduroy, approaches and mock
surprises her. Steph remains in the fridge for the
conversation.

DAN
Miss Green!

STEPH
(playing along)
Aaah, Mr Phillips.

DAN
You missed a wild one last night.

STEPH
Oh, really?

DAN
Yeah! I'll say... Mad!

STEPH
Right...

DAN
Pints, shots, wine, pints, shots,
shots, shots, pints, back to the
bar for shots! I mean, my head
today... Zonked!

He scoffs.

STEPH
Sounds... Mental

DAN
Almost phoned in sick, but it's
like, hey, what am I, a student!?
"Mummy, mummy, can I stay home
today??"

He laughs at his own bad joke. He's cringingly awkward.

STEPH
Well, sounds like a great night.

DAN
Oh, our staff nights out are pretty
leg. Legendary. You've got to come
to the next one!
(shouting, almost on her)
I won't take "no" for an answer!
 5.

STEPH
(literally squirming)
Oooh... Please?

DAN
You... You are a character!

Steph grabs the milk out the fridge.

STEPH
Well, y'know I'd best... Make my
tea.

DAN
Oh, sure, sure. Catch ya later,
Miss Green!

He points his fingers into imaginary guns and fires them at
her making "pew pew!" noises.

She feigns getting shot.

She fills up the kettle and clicks it on.

Kettle boiling.

EXTREME CLOSE ON:

Cup.

Teabag.

Sugar in extreme macro tinkles in to the cup.

A thumping heart beat.

Eyes darting.

Dry mouth.

Pupils dilate.

Cuts become faster.

ON STEPH:

STEPH
(through clenched jaw)
Oh, shit...

One of the teachers gathers everyone round.
 6.

TEACHER
Guys, guys can I just grab a quick
word?

The staff semi-circle around him.

TEACHER
So, I don't know if you've heard,
it has been up on the board since
last week, but Ofstead are here
today to monitor.

Steph looks panicked.

She looks at her hands.

TEACHER
They'll just be popping in during
your class to have a word with the
kids and take some notes or what
have-you, so don't be alarmed. Miss
Green, the Head would like a word
before you start today.

STEPH
OK. I'll be right back.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steph slowly opens the door and checks for people.

Clear.

STEPH
Ok.

She cautiously approaches the mirror breathing heavily.

STEPH
Ok, ok...

Her reflection.

Fractal patterns.

The edges of the tiles in the reflection are wobbling
slightly.

She's tripping.

The door opens, a teacher enters.
 7.

Steph is reaching out, touching the mirror with a child like
curiosity.

SCENE TWO

INT. HEADMASTERS OFFICE - DAY

Steph is sat opposite an imposing HEADMASTER, mid 50s.

He is talking but his voice is a muted echo

CLOSE ON

Stephs eyes.

Back to the Headmaster - through Stephs vision fractal
pattern have emerged behind him.

The table seems to breathe. It's subtle, but noticeable.

Stephs eyes glaze over.

HEADMASTER
Miss Green!
She snaps out of it.

STEPH
Nothing!

HEADMASTER
It's important you understand this
process. For you and your students.
You're new here, I want you to-

STEPH
Your glasses, are they-

HEADMASTER
I'm not wearing glasses.

STEPH
You're not wearing glasses! That's
what I was going to say.

HEADMASTER
As I was saying.

STEPH
Yes. Continue.

She looks at his desk and runs her finger along the angles of
it. From right to left, left to right.
 8.

HEADMASTER
As teachers-

STEPH
(revelations...)
This is a right angle. It's on the
right, it's a right angle. I mean,
it's on the right, AND it's a right
angle! It's like describing it's
self, it's form, like, describes
what it is. Right?

HEADMASTER
Quite. There will be someone
monitoring your lessons after
lunch, we'll continue this later.

EXT. SCHOOL - MORNING

Steph is smoking out the back, squinting at her phone trying
to see her contacts.

She just about gets to Jack and hits call.

INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Jack is sleeping, under the living room table there are
strangers getting up and leaving. His phone rings and he
wakes with a start, hitting his head on the table.

He answers.

We cut between the warehouse and the school.

JACK
...Yes?

STEPH
(panicked)
I'm tripping.

JACK
What?

STEPH
I'm tripping, I'm in school, and
I'm tripping. I've got a class in
fifteen minutes and there's a man,
a man coming to watch me later.

JACK
A man?
 9.

STEPH
Ofstead - there's an Ofstead man
coming to, take notes or whatever
an Ofstead man does

JACK
Oh, this isn't good.

STEPH
Mmm. What have I taken? And when?

JACK
I don't know, I'll have to find
out.

STEPH
What should I do?

JACK
I dunno, teach your lesson I
guess...

STEPH
I can't teach year 7 like this!

JACK
They're kids, they won't even
notice. Just, fingerpaint with them
or something.

STEPH
They're teenagers...

JACK
Oh, I don't know - look, I'm on
this, I'll meet you after your
first class.

STEPH
Okay.

She hangs up.

STEPH
Bollocks.
 10.