Two that spring to mind are,
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They're not laughing now - Bob Monkhouse
Crime in a multi-story car-park wrong on so many levels - Tim Vine
Favourite One Liners
Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you! Tommy Cooper
I was puzzled by the brick that was getting bigger...and then it hit me.
Bob Monkhouse: He was imprisoned for his beliefs. He believed he could wank on the bus.
Jimmy Carr on that slut sticking a wine bottle up her bits on 'Big Brother': It's disgusting... Red wine with fish.
Jack Dee: They're gonna have a law to make it illegal to smack your kids. How are they going to enforce it - have a deadline, a last final day?
Barry Cryer, as quoted by Alan Bennett in his recently published diaries ("Keeping On Keeping On"):
A man means to take liquid viagra but swallows some Tipp-Ex by mistake. There are no ill effects except that the next morning he wakes up with a massive correction.
From the God that is Barry Cryer:-
Chap gets up from his ward bed and walks out of hospital in only his gown and pulling along his drip on its tripod wheels, and goes into the pub opposite. As he enters the crowded pub, the people part to let him get up to the bar and says quietly to the barman
"I'll have a double whisky please"
Barman gives it to him, which he knocks back in one go and he leans forward to whisper.
"Of course, I shouldn't be having this with what I've got"
"What have you got?" says the concerned barman
"10p"
My absolute favourites:
"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers." (Bob Monkhouse)
"The wife's Mother said, "when you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." I said, "good, I'm being buried at sea." (Les Dawson)
"Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first." (Groucho Marx)
"I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese." (Chic Murray)
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 29th October 2016, 3:07 PMFrom the God that is Barry Cryer:-
Chap gets up from his ward bed and walks out of hospital in only his gown and pulling along his drip on its tripod wheels, and goes into the pub opposite. As he enters the crowded pub, the people part to let him get up to the bar and says quietly to the barman
"I'll have a double whisky please"
Barman gives it to him, which he knocks back in one go and he leans forward to whisper.
"Of course, I shouldn't be having this with what I've got"
"What have you got?" says the concerned barman
"10p"
That's a long "one liner".
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Quote: Cicero84 @ 31st October 2016, 5:18 PM"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers." (Bob Monkhouse)
This! Pretty much the only joke I can ever remember. Brilliant.
My wife was giving me a right roasting about being immature and saying it was time I grew up. I noticed the windows had steamed up so I drew a cock and balls with spunk coming out.
Micky Flanagan
"And on tonight's programme, an interesting misprint that says 'PENIS'"
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Have you met the mother inlaw...don't laugh.
If you're ever thinking, "Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden," remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon.
Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?
-Maria Bamford