My friend only indulges in foreplay with his wife. She has now said she wants a baby or she is off. I told him to get his finger out.
Tell us a joke Page 179
I added a Tiddlywinks factory to my investment portfolio, but it turned out to be counter-productive.
Quote: SSTT @ 22nd September 2016, 2:04 PMI added a Tiddlywinks factory to my investment portfolio, but it turned out to be counter-productive.
I like that one.
On reflection, I think it shoudl be shorter: "I bought a tiddly wink factory; that was counter-productive"
Yes, it reminds me of what my dad used to say:
If you work in a bell factory sooner or later you'll drop a clanger..
Reminds me of another old joke, can't remember where it came from originally.
My friend was sacked from the props department of Children's television at the BBC. He dropped a Clanger on his first day.
Who's the most persuasive singer? Jane Wiedlin'.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 24th September 2016, 9:08 AMWho's the most persuasive singer? Jane Wiedlin'.
A household name, there, Michael 
What drug do you take when you've made yourself sick trying to achieve your goals? Aspirin'.
Comedian with half a set of crazier pants. Jean Wilder.
Musician who shoots his laser weapon sincerely? Frank Zappa
Vaguely honest historical settlers? The Frankish.
Musician who takes books to the toilet? Lou Reed.
Superstitious wanker? Touch wood.
Astronaut at the top of his game? Tim Peake
To get to what Renee Descartyres was really on about:
"Je pense, dong je suis" - of course, translated correctly this means, "I am thinking about my cock.."
If Sam Allerdyce is found guilty of trying to accept bribes, he should receive the ultimate punishment -
A 5 year contract extension.
Anyone guilty of bribery ought to be given a back-hander!
They say if a man sees two massive tits, he'll believe anything he hears. Ain't working for Donald and Melania.
So Tyson Fury has failed a drugs test and will lose his belts.
Still, a nice change for a gypsy to be the one stripped of metal.