Hi all. I've spent the last 4 weeks reading everything that's been posted on this critique and can honestly say what a talented bunch you all are.
This is something I've been working on for a while. Don't know if it would work as a sitcom or as recurring sketches. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
SCENE 1. EXT. NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
MAX AND CLIVE ARE BOUNCERS STANDING AT THE DOOR OF A
NIGHTCLUB. BOTH ARE IN THEIR MID THIRTIES, HEAVILY BUILT AND
WEARING BLACK SUITS. THERE IS A QUEUE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO
GET IN. MAX AND CLIVE ARE IN NO HURRY TO LET ANYONE IN.
VIOLET APPEARS BEHIND THEM. VIOLET IS ALSO HEAVILY BUILT
AND IN HER THIRTIES. SHE WEARS THE SAME SUIT AS MAX AND
CLIVE.
MAX:
Watcha Vi. You’re a bit late aintcha?
VIOLET:
Yeah. It was mine ‘n’ George’s anniversary weren’t it.
MAX:
That’s right. Eight years to the day that you first put him in hospital.
VIOLET:
Yeah. Well since the kids are only allowed out at weekends now we fot we’ve try and be a bit more adventurous in the bedroom.
MAX:
Oh yeah… Wot did you get up to then?
VIOLET:
Well I fot we’d try a bit of that S ‘n’ M.
CLIVE:
Wot. That new Marks’s up the precinct?
MAX:
You’re a right wally Clive. Aintcha.
CLIVE:
Wot?
MAX:
That’s a Selfridges aint it?
VIOLET:
No. I’m talking about tying up and fings. That sort of S ‘n’ M. I got George to read it out of one of those magazines our Kevin keeps under his bed.
CLIVE GIGGLES SILENTLY. HIS SHOULDERS HEAVING
VIOLET:
Wots up wif him?
MAX:
He’s got one of them magazines under my bed as well.
VIOLET:
But I fot he couldn’t read.
MAX:
He can’t… he just look at the pictures. Anyway Vi, I bet George enjoyed himself eh?
VIOLET:
I dunno. He passed out after three hours.
MAX:
Well you aint missed much ‘ere. Eh Clive?
CLIVE:
Wot?
A SOBER YOUNG MAN TRIES TO ENTER. MAX STOPS HIM
MAX:
Too drunk mate.
THE YOUNG MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD, AND WALKS AWAY.
MAX:
(SHOUTING AFTER YOUNG MAN)
Come back when you can stand up straight.
MR CHAMBERS APPEARS FROM BEHIND THEM. HE IS A YOUNG MAN. SMARTLY DRESSED. BUSINESS-LIKE.
MR. CHAMBERS:
Well boys.. and Violet. What’s going on?
MAX:
Nuffin. No trouble so far Mr. Chambers.
MR.CHAMBERS:
No. What I meant was why is the place empty and there’s all these people out here waiting to get in?
MAX:
But it’s only ten past eleven Mr Chambers.
MR CHAMBERS:
I know, so what?
MAX:
Tell ‘im Vi.
VIOLET:
(TALKS AS IF TALKING TO A CHILD)
If we let them in before twelve. All drinks are a quid.
MR CHAMBERS:
That’s the point. We want them in early to stop them going anywhere else.
MAX:
I don’t fink you understand Mr Chambers.
(DELIBERATLY) YOU WILL GO BUST.
MR CHAMBERS:
I don’t think you understand. If no-one comes in I will go bust. Now I am the proprietor of this nightclub. What I say goes and I am telling you to let them in. Now.
MAX:
Alright Mr Chambers anyfing you say.
MR CHAMBERS RE-ENTERS THE NIGHTCLUB
CLIVE:
(TO OTHERS) Wots proprietor mean?
