So I was writing for this Muslim-Jewish Sketch troupe a couple of years ago now. And I found some of my old skits left over and thought I'd share them, all feedback of course welcome.
ONE ROLE ACTOR 1
MOHAMMED (M) IS TALKING TO JONATHON (J)
M
What have you got me this week Jonathon, I'm not playing another cliched terrorist am I?
J
You wound me, Mohammed, you're a highly talented actor, one of the best new voices of our generation; you're my number one priority. That's how I got you on 24.
M
As the 3rd Middle Eastern terrorist with no lines who gets shot by Jack Bauer in episode one.
J
Did I get you the walking dead?
M
Zombie terrorist shot by the guy with a crossbow while eating a Rabbi's head.
J
You got a line.
M
Oh yes "euuurrrggghhh", my mum wouldn't speak to me for a week after that.
J
Was it the makeup? It does come with the part.
M
Human brains aren't halal; she said I shamed her in front of the whole mosque.
J
Well, I've got a peach of a role for you my boy, the best, an actor's dream, the immortal bard's greatest role.
M
Shakespeare?
J
Yes
M
Hamlet? The peak of any actor's career....
J
Yes
M
Hang on this isn't some crappy theatre with three seats above a pub? My mum won't let me perform above pubs.
J
Nope, it's a six week run at the Almeida, recorded and broadcast on BBC4, then BBC America. And you thought I didn't love you Bubela?
M
Hamlet, the Almeida and broadcast Jonathon you've come through this time. This will make up for when you got me the part as the terrorist on Coronation Street who blew up the tram.
J
Why don't you phone your mum and tell her the good news, she'll kvell.
M
Is that the script on your desk? Can I see?
J
Wait, no.
FX
SOUND OF SCRIPT BEING FLICKED THROUGH
M
I don't seem to have many lines, isn't Hamlet the main character?
J
It's a modern-dress version; the lines have been streamlined for modern audiences, so it's relevant to the youth, doing GCSEs.
M
The language doesn't look very Shakesperean?
J
The idea is Hamlet is a Muslim prince goes on a holiday to Syria gets radicalised and comes back to take vengeance on his stepfather, his mother and avenge himself on all the other court infidels by blowing himself up.
M
Ah found my line. "Die you infidels Ala Akbar."
J
Beautiful my boy, said like you said it 1000 times before.
ONE ROLE ACTOR 2
M
My boy has I got a new role for you.
J
Is it better than the last one?
M
That was a breakout role, a role traditionally only played by black actors and you were the first Asian to take it on in this country. You were making history.
J
I was playing a violent drug dealer in prison who rapes the white hero in the showers.
M
Yes granted a stereotypical role usually set aside for black actors.
J
And you were the first Asian to play it.
M
I got the impression I was a last minute casting change. My line being "eh honky mon drop de soap I is going to do you in da batty, irie!."
J
Good thing they cut it, don't say I don't do anything for you. Now how do you fancy being in a documentary?
M
You can't cast actors in a documentary that's cheating.
J
I know, but occasionally a documentary needs some scripted parts so the audience can identify the themes more quickly. In the invasion of Iraq, half the troops on both sides were from RADA.
M
Ok, what's the documentary? Arena? Unreported world?
J
Benefit street.
M
Oh great, so I get to play some stereotypical dole stealing, Muslim lay about crook with a dozen Afghani wives claiming child benefit? Jonathon, you get the worst roles, I'd do better putting up a card in my uncle's newsagent window.
J
No, no, my boy you play Mohamed, a passionate Muslim community worker who decides to visit James Turner Street to help improve the neighbourhood.
M
As a community activist and social worker? Like a Brummy Martin Luther King?
J
Not quite, just change social worker for the suicide bomber, here's your line.
M
Die you infidels, Ala Aquba!
J
Spoken like a natural.
6 PREOCCUPIED
A busy street KEV and TIFF are protesting we can hear their tent rustling all the protestors in this skit speak with megaphones.
KEV We the Occupy movement have retaken St Paul's Cathedral until the government dismantles, the whole capitalist, plutocratic system of economic enslavement.
TIF And brings back Spangles.
KEV You said you weren't going to mention spangles, how do you even remember Spangles? They were 20 years before you were born.
TIF It's not like anyone's paying attention two us I mean two people can't occupy the whole of St Paul's Cathedral. We're not just anonymous; we're literally and figuratively anonymous.
KEV Hang on Tif look another two people is turning up, with placards, hooray the protest is growing, the revolution is starting today.
TIF Hello sir welcome to the revolution.
FX Sound of the group of counter protestors turning up.
BRIAN This Cathedral was the traditional home of the Church of England for over a 1000 years before these vicious occupiers moved in. And ethnically cleansed the Bishops who'd lived here peacefully up until then.
KEV What on earth we've not ethnically cleansed anyone, and we're not occupying anyone.
BRIAN What's your group called.
JEN Occupy .....oh yeah I see what you mean, no we're a grass routes movement aiming to bring down world capitalism by occupying stuff.
BRIAN Look we're from the stop the occupation movement. And up until now, we've just protested the occupation of the Westbank and Gaza.
EMA Hi I'm Ema, we realised our brand was becoming stale and narrow focus so we decided to take on all occupations everywhere.
JEN All occupations.
EMA Yeh the attempt to stop people occupying public toilets wasn't a great start.
KEV and we just want to stop injustice everywhere. We've got a lot in common.
EMA We do
KEN We should go for a drink sometimes what are you up to tonight.
EMA Oh we can't
BRIAN We're already occupied.
?
