Hi! Aspiring comedian needs to recover any semblance of a career 
there's a comedy competition on its way and my set needs a rewrite- at my practices it absolutely bombed worse than I ever dreamed possible! I think among the other comedians I'm out in the wilderness and this is probably my last chance, how can I focus on moving forward without dwelling on what's gone before?
take acid.
in what way are you 'out in the wilderness'? if you think it's funny then you've already won the only competition that matters.
I'm a bit confused about what you want, Natz. If jokes never seem to work, remove them. Try to find jokes that match your voice. It's probably not your last chance, I'm 40 and I'm still learning about writing. And no doubt older people are doing the same.
Good luck out there.
Are you looking for someone to critique it? I've said before that sometimes you can read your own work and it looks crap but you can read the same thing another time and it seems fantastic.
I performed comedy in various modes for decades. (Have now retired) The most important things are (imho)
1. A stage personality/persona e.g yourself but slightly exaggerated. Something for the audience to look at and listen to. More intonation than normal conversation.
2. Opening remarks to create a rapport with audience. "How are you?" - maybe start a conversation with someone in front row.
3. Observational comedy is most popular nowadays. So YOU have to write the joke and the punchline. Cut out superfluous words and in the punchline, get the words in the right RHYTHM. Galton and Simpson took 15 minutes to get the wording right for the Blood Donor's "nearly an armful" line.
Watch old comics over the last 80 years via online video. Listen to how their jokes were constructed, the rhythm of the punchline and watch their stage persona.
And don't forget that important pause before the punchline. Best of luck!
You can always test out your material in advance on friends - or even strangers, like supermarket staff and cashiers or call centres (0800). Just one or two lines on an appropriate subject and you've brightened their day.
E.g in a supermarket, I said to an assistant "This display consists completely of CURED ham, right?" She said "Yeah...?" I folded my arms, looked annoyed and said "Why don't you... just get ham that wasn't ILL in the first place!?"
(By leaving a pause after "you", the rest of the punchline has a better rhythm)
You can make a joke seem funnier than it is by using character voices. That's why some well known comics use a camp persona on stage even though they're not gay because it gets a cheap laugh.
As a general rule, leave a 3 second pause before the punchline. If the punchline is dialogue, use the short pronoun - "He said / she said.." Try to avoid "the psychiatrist said" or "the managing director said.." Too long and distract the audience from the funny line. If you have to use e.g "The landlord said", move the comedy pause as in that horse joke "The landlord said...'Why the long face?'"
I live in Rochester, Kent and for years have thought about starting a club for would-be comics. Or maybe writing an instruction book.
Are you a bit like Colin Hunt, Yorick?
Are you 'aving a laff?
No, the advice I offered here was based on comments made to would-be comics on documentaries by Bob Monkhouse, Phyllis Diller and many others. And observing the most popular comics of today.
If you were watching Countdown in May 2007, I was a contestant on Countdown. Des O'Connor invited me to do a comedy impression so I did Mr Burns from the Simpsons. I think I'm the only contestant ever to do that. So if you remember somebody doing that, it was me.
Back in the 80s, I won prizes in some competitions with funny captions to pictures - the best one was a £1000 holiday.
Back in the 60s and 70s I did cabaret as a comedy impressionist then in 1983 I became a singer/guitarist playing all styles of music including comedy. And I also told jokes. So before I gave it up, I'd had about 30 years of performing comedy, writing my own scripts etc.
I've had a lot of health problems in recent years but I'm hoping to do some material I've written (at an open mike night)in the style of Bill Hicks/Chris Rock.
So what's your style of writing, young man? Miranda Hart? Smack the Pony? :-)
I'm not adverse to the jokes of Bob Monkhouse or Phyllis Diller. My trouble is just using them in public. Writing for me is something I like to put on a page. Strange, that.
Paul, you've missed the point. I mentioned those comics because they explained how they COMPOSED their jokes.
If you're speaking to an audience, you need to use everyday vocabulary. "He said... she said.."If you're writing a joke for Reader's Digest or a joke mag for instance, you need to flower it up."...,he enquired, to which she responded..."
So Paul, is there anywhere on the Internet we can see samples of your writing skills? Have you written any scripts from which you could quote a funny line? Seeing your technique could be very educational to NatZ who started this thread.
Or is it that you've had very little comedy experience so to compensate, you criticise others in an effort to raise your own self-esteem?
Sorry, but you did describe quite "Colin Hunt" behaviour. I did read that if you write all your characters as Bob Monkhouses or Phyllis Dillers you lose your audience. So even for writers who "keep it in a box" it's hard to work out when you take it out. We can't all be same. To paraphrase A Fish Called Wanda, we apes do study philosophy. It's just that we don't understand it.
When Neil Simon wrote his first comedy play, a critic said it sounded like "an excuse for a load of one-liners" Top writers say the comedy comes from the situation (although Clement and La Frenais worked a few old chestnuts into Porridge)
The hardest part about good scriptwriting is to pass the Producer's Test. This is where the producer opens up a page of your script, covers up the character names with a piece of paper but can still tell which characters are "speaking" by the vocabulary. turn of phrase etc even if they all have the same accent. That is beyond me! Maybe that's why so many sitcom writers work in pairs.
One final comment. When wannabe comics or writers ask for help and advice, at least give them a bit of encouragement. Or at best some warnings. Like, don't ever send comedy scripts to Jasper Carrott. You won't get paid even though his Celador ad in the Stage implies you will.
I should complain to the Stage then! That would seem to go against advertising guidelines. Sorry but it seems a daft thing to say on Jasper Carrott's part.
This is a well known fact in show business. He's even been interviewed on TV about it. He admits he does it but says he changes the words round a bit to "improve" it. (This also avoids copyright laws). But still doesn't pay the writer for anything.
One other little known fact - all the acts on BGT who get past the first round have to sign a contract giving 15% + Vat of their future earnings to Cowell's production company. Bearing in mind a performer would probably have to pay another agent's fee as well for the work, that's 35% of the fee gone before the performer starts paying his expenses.
Yes, I know you're not a performer, Paul, but you could mention it to any BGT wannabees you meet.
He's not really the go-to guy now is he, sad to say? Mind you did make a lot of money from Millionaire, so it's swings and the other things.