Hey guys,
I've written a new sitcom (intended as an animation) and I was hoping some of you might to give it (or part of it) a bit of a look.
I had some really useful feedback on my last piece (which I really appreciated), which has (hopefully) led to this one being a bit better.
It can be read at the link below.
https://studios.amazon.com/projects/101484
Thanks.
Enjoyed this. Felt a bit light on laughs in some parts (e.g. the early expository scenes with Josh and the soldiers), which I admit is never a great thing for someone to say about your sitcom, but the pacing was good and I bought a lot of the futuristic-y stuff straight away (loved the whole time-compressed training bit, for example!). But I think it reads well.
Little unsure how you'd go about this without unnecessarily jamming up the first page with florid descriptions, but we don't get a sense this is in the future until the bottom of page two. Maybe this was deliberate, setting up what looks like a normal present-day family setting, then BOOM, teleportation watch, I dunno. Just an observation rather than a criticism!
And then on page 3 there's: "Josh stands alone, still wearing his console headset." I didn't know he was wearing a headset. Maybe that's a good bit to mention earlier to set the 'in the future' scene!
Obviously only you can answer this, but I guess the final act took everything in an unexpected direction. We spend a while getting to know Gene and then we end with her apparently going away forever. I get her role in helping Simon reappraise his marriage, but she seemed a fun character, seems a shame to ditch her so suddenly. But as I say, I have no idea if that's really what's happening.
I'm also assuming that Flaura would be one of the main characters, if we're centring around this one family. And she doesn't get a huge amount to do here. She sort of saves the day in the end, but for most of the episode she's just a sidelined bystander. Maybe give her a bit more to do while Josh is trapped in the game. Her calling the 'remote battle control unit' emergency helpline for advice on how to get a family member out of a warzone might be quite fun, for example.
Nitpick: "You think you can mess with me?! My generation invented video games." If they're in the future, her generation probably didn't invent video games.
Overall, this was fun, and could be really good with a few tweaks (IMHO). Let me know if any of this doesn't make sense, or if I've missed something obvious, just throwing you some feedback from my quick read through! 
Quote: Crindy @ 26th January 2016, 3:44 PM GMTEnjoyed this. Felt a bit light on laughs in some parts (e.g. the early expository scenes with Josh and the soldiers), which I admit is never a great thing for someone to say about your sitcom, but the pacing was good and I bought a lot of the futuristic-y stuff straight away (loved the whole time-compressed training bit, for example!). But I think it reads well.
Little unsure how you'd go about this without unnecessarily jamming up the first page with florid descriptions, but we don't get a sense this is in the future until the bottom of page two. Maybe this was deliberate, setting up what looks like a normal present-day family setting, then BOOM, teleportation watch, I dunno. Just an observation rather than a criticism!
And then on page 3 there's: "Josh stands alone, still wearing his console headset." I didn't know he was wearing a headset. Maybe that's a good bit to mention earlier to set the 'in the future' scene!
Obviously only you can answer this, but I guess the final act took everything in an unexpected direction. We spend a while getting to know Gene and then we end with her apparently going away forever. I get her role in helping Simon reappraise his marriage, but she seemed a fun character, seems a shame to ditch her so suddenly. But as I say, I have no idea if that's really what's happening.
I'm also assuming that Flaura would be one of the main characters, if we're centring around this one family. And she doesn't get a huge amount to do here. She sort of saves the day in the end, but for most of the episode she's just a sidelined bystander. Maybe give her a bit more to do while Josh is trapped in the game. Her calling the 'remote battle control unit' emergency helpline for advice on how to get a family member out of a warzone might be quite fun, for example.
Nitpick: "You think you can mess with me?! My generation invented video games." If they're in the future, her generation probably didn't invent video games.
Overall, this was fun, and could be really good with a few tweaks (IMHO). Let me know if any of this doesn't make sense, or if I've missed something obvious, just throwing you some feedback from my quick read through!
Hi Crindy, thanks for the feedback. It is much appreciated.
It isn't actually the future. It is actually set in the present, but this technology is only available to New World Order employees. I think was more an issue with the episode not necessarily being a pilot script, so the reader is (theoretically) already aware of the vague rules of the universe.
The headset thing was was something I added as necessity for a later scene, but clearly forgot to add the setup earlier on.
I wasn't sure what to do with Gene, to be honest. In my first writings of the show, she was a work colleague and regular in the show. Another idea I had was for her to be an enemy. Instead, I opted for a "guest" role essentially. Think it would be too difficult to write in every week, plus she would be a cool recurring character. I also wasn't too worried about "wasting" characters or ideas, as it seems pointless saving ideas for a second episode if you can't get the first one made.
Yes, Flaura would be one of the main characters. That is a really good idea, actually. Thank you.
All of that was really helpful. Thanks!
I think you hit your first joke on pafe 7. Its a good idea even if it feels very MiB the sitcom. But the situation and characters lack zing and jokes. You need believable characters in an unbelievable setting
Quote: sootyj @ 27th January 2016, 11:53 PM GMTI think you hit your first joke on pafe 7. Its a good idea even if it feels very MiB the sitcom. But the situation and characters lack zing and jokes. You need believable characters in an unbelievable setting
Thank you.
Lacking zing and joke, hmm? Page 7, hmm?
That's fair enough, and nothing that can't be fixed with a bit of polishing.
Thought the plot (both threads) was much stronger than the dialogue which is probably the best starting point for polishing. Concept is decent too although you're in Futurama/HHG2G/Red Dwarf territory. When I first saw the title I though it might be a David Icke conspiracist fantasy setting! Which actually sounds like a really good idea for a sitcom, but I digress.
The first scene - always the most important in a spec script - unfortunately reads like a mediocre family comedy set on earth rather than your actual concept. The later scenes are much stronger. I'd be tempted to start with Simon in space and then cut back to Josh being sucked into his game. Establishing there definitely *is* an outer space setting also makes the "the graphics on this this thing are so good" line funnier.
Quote: enigmatic @ 8th February 2016, 1:34 PM GMTThought the plot (both threads) was much stronger than the dialogue which is probably the best starting point for polishing. Concept is decent too although you're in Futurama/HHG2G/Red Dwarf territory. When I first saw the title I though it might be a David Icke conspiracist fantasy setting! Which actually sounds like a really good idea for a sitcom, but I digress.
The first scene - always the most important in a spec script - unfortunately reads like a mediocre family comedy set on earth rather than your actual concept. The later scenes are much stronger. I'd be tempted to start with Simon in space and then cut back to Josh being sucked into his game. Establishing there definitely *is* an outer space setting also makes the "the graphics on this this thing are so good" line funnier.
Thanks for the feedback.
I've always struggled with convincing dialogue (as in life, as in art), but even so, I am aware that this needs a thorough wordy polish.
There definitely is a strong element of the conspiracy world in it. Indeed, one of the taglines I was originally toying with was "Every conspiracy you've ever heard of is true". The opening (entirely cut) scene originally involved a talking lizard (who would likely appear in other episodes).
That was partly the point of the opening, but I see what you mean with being immersed in the possibilities of the world a bit sooner.
Thanks again.