We did this at our Christmas giog the other day. Went down well, although what I condsider the best line didn't land.
RUDOLPH: [Excited] Everybody ready for the off? Up, up and away! [Whooshing noise]
DANCER: [Definitely not excited] Yeah, right.
R: Follow my nose, my little ones, I'll guide you!
D: We're not your little ones. I'm fed up with you calling us your little ones. You're not in charge of me, you just happen to be in front, that's all.
R: Sorry, didn't catch that, little one.
D: You're not my boss, Rudolph, you just happen to be positioned in this sleigh team such that your buttocks are directly in front of my face. It's not a managerial hierarchy.
R: Oh, that's just typical of you Dancer. You've always hated me.
D: What are you talking about?
R: All the lot of you: you, Donner, Blitzen, all the others whose names I can never remember, you hate me. You call me names.
D: We call you Rudolph.
R: Well, that's a name, isn't it? And you won't let me join in any of your reindeer games.
D: Reindeer games? What games are you talking about?
R: You know...antlerball.
D: We don't play games, we're reindeer. If we're not yanking a magical sleigh about, we spend our time eating and rutting, and that's all. Except perhaps fighting about who gets to do the most eating and rutting.
R: Well, you don't let me join in. Is it because of my nose?
D: Oh, here we go; I knew your nose would come up at some point. Nobody, Rudolph, has any problem with your nose except you. You're always on about it. It's not even that red.
R: Aha! So you do think I've got a red nose! I knew it, that's discrimination, that is.
D: No, you think you've got a red nose. I'd never even noticed it till you started going on about it every waking hour.
R: Well, I'll tell you who did notice it: Santa Claus! Yes, the big man himself. Why do you think I'm here, in charge of the sleigh?
D: You're not in charge of the-
R: Why do you think that? Because my rosy, red nose is useful in the fog.
D: God, it gets worse every year. Look, it doesn't matter how rubicund your little proboscis might be, it's not red enough for illumination purposes.
R: Well, why did I get asked to join that time then, eh?
D: It's because there are more children now than there used to be, so the increase in deliverable presents demanded a slightly larger towing force. It had been foggy in the past, you know. I suspect a man who can levitate a sleigh round the world at near light speed isn't troubled by a bit of mist of an evening.
R: Alright then, clever hooves, why am I at the front, if not for my astounding olfactory face torch?
D: I imagine it was the easiest way to amend the harness.
R: No. It wasn't. It was because of my glowing head beacon.
D: Look, Rudolph, we have two continents to go yet, and I really don't want to argue with you, but I just don't think that a mild mutation of nasal pigment was a big factor in your recruitment, OK?
R: Mild mutation of nasal pigment? It bloody glows, mate. I'll have you know that people say it glows.
D: Who does? Who says it glows?
R: Well, you might. If you saw it.
D: I have seen it. It's just a normal nose, with a very slight reddish tint, about which you're completely delusional. Now, if you don't shut your stinking mouth I shall give you such a battering when we get back to Greenland, get me?
R: [Sheepish] Yes.
D: Good.
[Pause]
BLITZEN: Dancer, I think you were maybe a little harsh on poor Rudolph.
D: Oh, leave it out, Blitzen, I'll do what I like. I'm in charge, OK? Who has the giant purple ballbag in this reindeer troupe, anyway?
