Thought I'd start a thread where we can discuss the best jokes by our favourite stand ups
I'll start things off
Alan Carr:
I worked in an office, this woman had this sign, 'You don't have to be mad to work here. But it helps!'
She'd written it in her own shit!
Stewart Francis
My neighbour had concussion 24 times in 1 year.
He lives a stones throw away.
Roy Chubby Brown
Me dad used to tell me not to accept sweets from strangers
Unless they offer you a ride in the van!
One armed waiters, they can take it but they can't dish it out.
(Tim Vine)
Not technically standup but Hugh Dennis on Mock the Week. The subject was something like 'Things a sports caster wouldn't say at the winter olympics'
Then he goes 'Whoops!' and slips over on the ice.
F**king Genius!
Jimmy Carr in trouble again for telling politically incorrect jokes about dwarves.
If they didn't like it he said that they should grow up.
Frankie Boyle
You know why there's so many pedophiles
It's the sexy kids
Harry Hill
The thing with heroin is it's really moreish
Copied / stolen by Super hands on peep show but he said crack not heroin
Rick Mayall (RIP)
"What does a man with a twelve inch penis have for breakfast?
Well today I had a sausages".
Quote: Jamesey1967 @ 26th November 2015, 7:28 PM GMTRick Mayall (RIP)
"What does a man with a twelve inch penis have for breakfast?
Well today I had a sausages".
Isn't it "What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast?
This morning he had a boiled egg
Can't remember the comedian but:
"I wanked off over my ex-girlfriend last night. I know I shouldn't... but she's a heavy sleeper and I've still got my front door key."
The king of stand up Richard Pryor:
There are two billion chinese people living in China. That's how you know someone's doing some serious f**king.
Talking about when he was freebasing and accidently set himself on fire:
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!" Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.
and:
I learned something that day. When you're running down the street with your head on fire, people get out of your way!
Sit down comics.
Ronnie Corbett: Then everything went quiet. Not as quiet as this.
Dave Allen: "Don't mourn for me. I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever."
I asked God for a bicycle, but I know he doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and asked for his forgiveness. (Emo Philips)
Henning Wehn You Brits think we Germans have no sense of humour, and we don't think that's very funny