There were a lot of goolies at my door last night. I didn't know the local nudists did Halloween.
Tell us a joke Page 132
Quote: Frankie Rage @ 30th October 2015, 8:10 PM GMTI was staying at the Manhattan Hilton at the same time as Marilyn Monroe but I never came across her..
First wank, I don't know what came over me.
Andrew Dice Clay is in debt. Owe!
I love rowing. It's like really oarsome.
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 1st November 2015, 7:46 AM GMTThere were a lot of goolies at my door last night. I didn't know the local nudists did Halloween.
Enjoying Halloween is easy; it's like taking candy from a kid.
My wife's possessed, she's a real head turner.
OR
My wife is a sumu wrestler, she's a real head turner.
Everywhere I go, I turn heads. The other way.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st November 2015, 2:22 PM GMTEverywhere I go, I turn heads. The other way.
Perfect joke.
I'm not sure I should have trusted getting my Fake ID from that counterfeiter I found on the Internet,
But he had All those qualifications, and the certificates to prove it!!!
I've been having a problem with my Internet connection, so I phoned TalkTalk Customer Services and told then I can't seem to access some websites,
After a few questions, the best solution they could offer me was to try "Disabling Cookies",
So I've broken the legs off 5 Gingerbread Men, Lets hope that Helps!
Aw, thanks Mr N!
What's the different between strange offsprinbg and One Direction? Strange offspring are cookie runts.
My fish balances perfectly on a stool. Must be a perch.
Salinger doc penetrated a myth. Unlike Salinger, he penetrated a Miss.
What did the nudist say to the policeman? Got nuffin on, me.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st November 2015, 2:22 PM GMTEverywhere I go, I turn heads. The other way.
Hope you don't mind Michael, but I used this in my show yesterday. It got a laugh.
No, I'm flattered. Awesome! I'm stand-upping tonight and these things are good for confidence. (Confidence, I dream of having that. And Melanie C.)
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 5th November 2015, 9:17 AM GMTNo, I'm flattered. Awesome! I'm stand-upping tonight and these things are good for confidence. (Confidence, I dream of having that. And Melanie C.)
Michael you have way more jokes highlighted as funny on this thread than anyone else, so you should feel confident. You don't need to slum it with grade C Mel's, upgrade to B, ditch the shell suit.
Wow, two positive comments! Thank you. That's approximately 58 more than usual. If you're interested (and even if you aren't), last night went well and I'm really pleased.
When people say they hate me, I quip, The feeling's mutual. I hate me too.
Guy from 'Jigsaw' lost his key, but he's keeping an eye on it.
My cat's claustrophobic. Says there isn't room to swing me around.
Hinduists spent years seeing the true level behind the superficial level. I bought some 3D glasses, saves time.
(PS I think Mel B enjoyed the least of my man-milk: my three eyes were focussed on Sporty and the others just got splash-back. There's a nice anecdote to share at parties. I promise not to bring it up again.)
I tried to tell a joke about a colobus monkey the other day, it turned out to be a howler.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th November 2015, 7:43 AM GMTWhen people say they hate me, I quip, The feeling's mutual. I hate me too.
Hinduists spent years seeing the true level behind the superficial level. I bought some 3D glasses, saves time.
So you're keeping the best stuff back (me too). Took lots of people to persuade me to stand up and perform, but I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it went well for you. Not many people have the bottle and the sense of humour (actually I can only think of Frank Skinner, but there must be more).
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th November 2015, 7:43 AM GMTGuy from 'Jigsaw' lost his key, but he's keeping an eye on it.
Not sure that makes sense, you can't keep your eye on something you've lost - you could keep an eye *out* for it, does that work? (I have no idea what the reference is here, the only "guy from Jigsaw" I know is Mr Noseybonk).
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th November 2015, 7:43 AM GMTMy cat's claustrophobic. Says there isn't room to swing me around.
On the plus side I've proved to my landlord that my flat's too small; on the down side, showing him killed my cat. 
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th November 2015, 7:43 AM GMTMy cat's claustrophobic. Says there isn't room to swing a mouse around.
Probably been done...