New sitcom

I put the early scenes of a sitcom on here about a year ago and got some helpful comments. I have just gone back to writing it. I have changed it to give it more of a story but the characters are the same. This is the first two scenes I have so far. Hope you enjoy it.

Scene 1 INT Restaurant

Danny and Jess are sitting in a restaurant. A waiter takes away their plates. Danny gets a ring out of his pocket.

Jess- This has just been the perfect evening. Thank you so much.

Danny- I think so to. Every evening with you is perfect.

Jess- Oh that's sweet. Are you going to have a dessert?

Danny- Err, no I'm fine. The thing is..

Jess- I don't know whether to have the cheesecake or not. I was going to have it but someone over there had it and it looks quite filling. Do you want to share it?

Danny- Yes fine, if you want to. As I was saying, we've been together for 3 years now..

Jess- I know I can't believe it.

Danny- Yes it's shocking. I have a question I want to ask you.

Matt walks past the table.

Jess- Matt?

Danny- I'm Danny.

Matt- Jess. Hi how are you?

Jess- I'm good thanks. Matt this is my boyfriend Danny. Danny this is Matt. He's one of my oldest friends.

Matt- Yeah I'm 107. Haha. No I'm 27. Nice to meet you.

Danny- You to.

Jess- How have you been?

Matt- Not great to tell you the truth. Can I sit down?

Jess- Yeah of course.

Matt gets a chair from the table behind and sits down. Danny puts the ring back in his pocket.

Matt- I got sacked from my job last week.

Jess- Why?

Matt- It's a long story. I just wondered if they were taking anyone on at your place?

Jess- No not at the moment. Danny's got his own building firm. Are you still looking to take someone on?

Danny- Possibly. Have you worked in the building trade before?

Matt- No.

Danny- Sorry but I'm really looking for someone with experience.

Matt- I'm a fast learner. And I love building things. When I was younger I was always playing with Lego. Once I built a house that had 3 floors.

Danny- That is impressive but I think I'm going to have to pass. I'm sorry.

Jess- Can't you just give him a trial. He's a hard worker. Please?

Matt- Please?

Danny- I suppose I could give you a one week trial and see how it goes.

Matt- Thank you so much. I won't let you down.

Jess- So where are you living now Matt?

Matt- I'm still at my mum and dads.

Jess- How are you getting on with your dad now?

Matt- We still argue a lot. I want to move out but I can't afford it. I just wish I had someone I could rent a place with.

Jess- We've got a spare room at ours if your interested.

Danny- What?

Jess- Think about it. Matt needs somewhere to live and we need some extra money coming in. We've still got to save up for the holiday. Everybody's happy.

Matt- This is brilliant. Thank you so much. We're going to have such a laugh I just know it.

Jess- This calls for a celebration. Danny go and get us a round of drinks in.

Matt- No it's ok Danny. Tonight you two have given me a job, a home and most importantly of all, the belief in human kindness. I'll pay for my drink, you just pay for you and Jess. I'll have whatever you're having.

Matt gives Danny some money. Danny goes to the bar looking annoyed.

Matt- So where are you going on holiday?

Jess- Switzerland. We're going skiing. It's the first time for both of us.

Matt- I went skiing a couple of years ago and broke my leg.

Jess- You're the second person to tell me that. My friend went last year. She jumped 10 foot in to the air but landed awkwardly and rolled down to the bottom of the mountain. How did you do yours?

Matt- I fell over getting off the plane. I didn't even see a mountain the whole week I was there. Well, there was one on the postcard that I sent my mum and dad but it's not the same.

Jess- I'll be careful when I'm getting off the plane then.

Matt- Thanks so much for letting me stay with you both. Are you sure Danny's ok with it?

Jess- Yes of course he is. Just wait you two will become best friends.

Danny comes back to the table with the drinks.

Danny- You were 40p short.

Matt- Oh that's ok, don't worry about it.

Jess- Cheers.

They all drink. Danny looks annoyed.

Scene 2 INT Flat

Danny and Jess are looking at 2 pictures. 1 is a picture of them on holiday. The one next to it is a picture of Matt on holiday.

Danny- Did you tell him he could put that here?

Jess- No.

Danny- I know you said make yourself at home but this is taking it a bit far.

Matt comes out of his room.

Matt- I love the room. I can tell I'm going to have a great time living here.

Danny- We were just admiring this picture.

Matt- Yes that's when I was in Spain. I broke my arm 20 minutes after that picture was taken. We'll have to get a picture of the 3 of us soon.

Jess- Have you got everything you need?

Matt- Yes everything is perfect.

Jess- Me and Danny are going jogging soon. Do you want to come?

Matt- No thanks. I don't see the fun in jogging.

Jess- Ok I'm going to go and get ready. I've left the door open for Lucy.

She goes in to her room to get ready.

Danny- Can I have a quick word with you please Matt?

Matt- Yes, is everything ok?

Danny- Yes. I was just wondering if you could go out tonight. I'm going to propose to Jess.

Matt- Thats brilliant news. How are you going to do it?

Danny- I'm making her a meal tonight and I'll just ask her.

Matt- Oh.

Danny- What?

Matt- No nothing I'm sure it'll be fine.

Danny- How do you think I should do it?

Matt- You know Jess, she loves being the centre of attention. Why don't you invite a load of her friends round and ask her then.

Danny- It's a bit short notice. She'll think it's a bit suspicious if I invite people round now.

Matt- Tell her it's for a house warming party for me. She will love it. I'll help you with the food.

Danny- I suppose so.

Matt- Thinking about it, you should have done it last night at that restaurant. That would have been perfect.

Danny- Oh yeah I didn't think of that. I'm going to go and get ready.

Danny goes in to his room.

Cut to.
The front door has been left slightly open. Lucy walks in and walks through to the living room looking anxious. Matt is doing press ups looking tired.

Matt- 463, 464, 465.

Lucy grabs the picture frame from the side.

Lucy- Get out now before I call the police! I'm armed.

Matt- Oh you must be Lucy. I'm Matt. I've moved in with Danny and Jess.

Lucy- You expect me to believe that. Get out!

Matt- Look at the picture!

She looks at the picture. Jess walks in to the room.

Jess- Is everything ok?

Matt- Everything's fine. I nearly had my head smashed in with my own picture frame but other than that everything's good.

Matt takes the picture off of her and puts it back next to the one of Danny and Jess.

Lucy- Sorry I thought you were being burgled. The door was left open.

Matt- What sort of burglar does press ups while burgling a house?

Lucy- I don't know. That was impressive by the way. 465 press ups.

Matt- That's the running total. I only did 5 just then.

Lucy- Oh. Are you ready to go.

Jess- Yes, Danny's just coming.

Matt- Are you going jogging. I'll have to come along next time.

Jess- I thought you hated jogging.

Matt- No, I love it.

Jess- When I asked you if you wanted to come, you said you didn't see the fun in it.

Matt- I thought you said something else.

Jess- What?

Matt- Dogging. I thought you said you and Danny were going dogging and I just don't see the fun in it.

Danny has just walked out and looks shocked. There is a few seconds awkward silence.

Jess- Right, shall we go then?

Lucy- Yes.

Jess- See you later Matt.

Lucy and Jess walk out of the room.

Danny- If you get a minute can you go to the shops to get some food in for the party later please. I'll start making some calls soon. Here's some money for it.

Matt- Thanks. Are you going to invite Lucy?

Danny- Yeah she's Jess' best friend.

Matt- Can you put in a good word for me? I know it's hard to believe but I usually make a bad first impression.

Danny- I'll see what I can do.

Matt- Thanks. Don't worry about the food or decorations. I'll take care of all that.

Danny leaves looking worried.

Well, it's not bad as far as it goes. Does it go any further? I think writing a few scenes is relatively easy so it's hard to say. Is it different than other sitcoms, it does seem very familiar territory somehow but maybe that's a good thing. I read it to the end anyway, usually I give up after the first few exchanges.

Reads pretty good. Seems like an interesting enough premise, though if I was being pedantic, I'd have a few questions as to why they've been going out for three years and he's never met one of her oldest friends, and why he was walking through the restaurant at that point.

I'm intrigued to see how the rest of it shapes up, and to see if my pedantry is kicked to the kerb by the rest of the episode.

So the concept is that innocent loser Matt keeps getting in between Jess and Danny and Danny is powerless to do anything about it? That's a really strong concept to build a sitcom around. Can remember bits of the original script but can't remember how it compared overall.

Matt seems to get all the good lines at the moment. I think Danny's reactions to Matt need strengthening a bit, whether it's ultra awkward tolerance, dismissive sarcasm or suppressed rage. Use the tension you've built. Sure, a lot of this can probably be done with the actor's expressions rather than words, but the script should drop some hints. If nothing else, he needs to stop saying mundane things like "I'm going to go and get ready". The "Thinking about it, you should have done it last night at that restaurant. That would have been perfect" line is excellent and could probably finish the scene by itself; anything Danny says afterwards has to emphasise rather than downplay his frustration.

In a couple of places it's almost crying out for him to make impact with some more cutting lines, e.g.
"I broke my arm 20 minutes after that picture was taken. We'll have to get a picture of the 3 of us soon."
which seems to be a running joke calls for Danny to reply along the lines of
"Best to do it now. Before you break something else"
Or if Danny is supposed to be a bit less sarcastic/aggressive about what he actually says the script could cut to a mental image of Danny and Jess together with Matt sitting in suspension in a hospital bed and Danny desperately trying not to look too happy about the turn of events. Either way it's as good a cue as any for an actual reaction.

i like it as far as dialogue goes, reads nicely... could do with a bit of context in the scenes though, just like a little bit of stage direction or scene setting, but as section of dialogue, it's good!

Is everyone else reading the same thing? There's no conflict here, no feeling. Don't reveal everything all at once. Get more ers and ums in.

Most importantly, I think it's worth mentioning that the formatting is incorrect for a TV sitcom (which I presume you are going for?)

It's probably far easier to get that right at this stage, then reformatting everything when you get to the end.

As for the content, I think it's fine, as far as the situation goes. Traditional Odd Trio set-up.

The dialogue seems a little unnatural though. Perhaps have an actual read-through to get a more natural flow?

It might be useful to post a brief story outline here as well? It's hard to see what the b-plot is (assume a-plot is attempt to propose?)