gappy
Saturday 17th October 2015 12:58pm
Oxford
2,694 posts
1: Oh, hi there. Are you going in?
2: Yep, that's us, about to go in.
3: Oh yes. Through the old door, there.
1: Well, after you.
2: No, no after you.
3: [Pause] I'm not looking forward to my first day, I have to admit.
1: Me neither. I heard that everybody beats the new bugs if they aren't wearing the right colour laces, and that this was totally allowed.
2: Yeah. I heard they have a sort of mongoose, but if you look at the mongoose, then they all shout "mongoose!" and make you kiss the mongoose.
3: Cripes. I heard that every Michaelmas someone has to wear a jumpsuit made of holly and dance the hucklebuck, but if they cry, they have to eat their own cummerbund.
2: And then they get thrashed for not having a cummerbund.
1: Harsh. My brother told me that if you don't get your latin trig finished by second innings, they call you the costermonger and make you eat flummies.
2: Eurgh, disgusting.
3: Yeah, disgusting...err, what are flummies?
1: I don't know. But they sound horrible.
2: Probably not as horrible as having to polish the inside of the science rhino if you forget the 13th page of Peyton Place.
3: Or having to sing into your own foreskin on Thrushpress Tuesday.
1: And I heard that there's this Phrenology master called Mr Fffffffthhhhhh who opens all the windows and punishes the boy who photosynthesises least.
2: Yes, I heard he whips them with his belt.
3: I heard he scrapes their knuckles with his ruler.
1: I heard he scrapes their knuckles with his belt...which is admittedly not that painful, but probably quite weird. Oh God. I really don't want to go in.
2: Me neither, so many older boys have told me about how literally deadly this school is - and I don't let the fact that they clearly haven't died quell my terror.
3: Let's not go in. Let's run away and start a new life somewhere.
1: Come on, lads, we'll be alright. There's strength in numbers, and if we stick together we'll never be beaten,
2&3: Yeah!
1: So, come on, let's join hands, and close our eyes and will up the power to beat the bullies.
2: Alright!
3: Us against them! Give me your hand, brother.
[Beat. Door opens to reveal sounds of carousing children]
1: Hey, everyone!
[Clamour stops]
Come and bully these two, they're totally gay!
[Cheering and stampeding feet]