Much better mate - still a bit flabby but there are funny lines now. Take some needless words out and it's good, the weakest part is the couple of paragraphs before the last one
And where you say:
"All bad jokes, bad haircut, n bad shirts, she stood by me"
say, "I stood by her"
maybe "I sat by her"
Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 8th October 2015, 9:19 AM BSTWithout question, the best routine I've seen live about disability of any sort was "Lost voice guy" I'd recommend watching some of his videos because he bring a surprising amount of presence and visual comedy considering he's hampered.
His trick is knowing what not to included, so as not to lose the audience. He also uses points of reference like Stephen Hawking for those of us that just have a basic understanding.
Also Ian's point of Jack Carroll (point of reference Harry Potter) I've met Jack Socially and he's just being himself on stage. That's why it works. But he also keeps it simple. I would be very interested in seeing a video of your performance (live or otherwise) whever that happens.
believe it or not, I am trying to write original material. Perhaps it's too early for that, and I should use some other stuff already written on this topic.
It was the video of me at the workshop.it's flat, and is crap. (There is some stuff in there)
https://onedrive.live.com/redir?resid=A1F3893A238A6B59!111621&authkey=!ALyn6OkG5FyONyk&ithint=video%2cmp4
I don't know why that address won't paste without the space, thus breaking the link, but if you copy it into the address bar, and take out the space, it works.
Thanks for taking the time.
Quote: Tremulous Tetra @ 13th October 2015, 11:13 AM BSThttps://onedrive.live.com/redir?resid=A1F3893A238A6B59!111621&authkey=!ALyn6OkG5FyONyk&ithint=video%2cmp4
Thanks for that. It's a good start, you come across as a genuinely nice guy, people don't laugh if they don't like you. Love the way you tell a story, but agree with Davy, cut to the jokes faster. Your bit about your wife is touching but takes too long, why not just "my wife has always stood by me, which raised eyebrows in the men's urinals" and leave it at that. Unless the event requires more than just jokes. Lee Mac is from Southport, every word of his routine is a joke or set up to a joke. Your jokes are old style, but then so is Southport and so is Lee Mac. I hope your audience is your age, as many of the references might pass a student by.
I also notice you get nervous as the punchline is about to come which ruins your rhythm. You also repeat words like "Actually" a lot, which also suggests nerves. Just practice until you're fluent and all that should go. I'd drop the Jimmy Savil joke. Your wheel chair also clicks, which would be fun to make a joke about. Best of luck, let us know how it goes.
Thanks Nick for suggesting lost voice. Think watching him help me a lot. Thanks Davey, I nicked some of your suggestions.
Don't expect anybody to critique this again, I'm actually quite proud of it now.
Thanks everybody..
1. Leaflet. Staring. Condition.
hi Southport, I was really excited when I picked up a leaflet that said, "in six weeks, Joe Bloggs, will teach you stand-up.
And when I realised it was a stand-up comedy workshop, I felt very awkward. I knew there would be this tension. I knew you would be staring at me, just dying to ask, are you wearing that shirt for a bet?
But I do have a serious and debilitating condition, I'm a Mancunian.
2. Fashion. Brothel. Lucky. Toryplegia
No, I'm only joking. I do genuinely need this wheelchair, it isn't just a fashion statement.
And when I had my accident, 31 years ago it was hard. You couldn't get in a taxi, couldn't get in a plane, and it was murder getting in a brothel.
Today, people's attitudes, public transport and technology are making my life easier and when I think about those people breaking their necks today I think you lucky bastards.
But my real condition is called, tetraplegic. Paraplegia paralysed from the waist down. Tetraplegia paralysed from the net down. Not to be confused with Toryplegia, where they are paralysed from the neck up.
3. Pushed. BNP. Activist. Outraged. Centre forward. SW record. Gave up urinals.
I got involved in politics, because I hated being pushed around.
I became a political wheelchair user, until my wheelchair joined the BNP.
And I became a disabled activist, which is ironic, because I'm not very physically active.
On a disability demonstration, people were outraged, when the police dragged me out me out of my wheelchair to arrest me. I thought it hilarious. The whole point of the wheelchair is to make moving people easier.
The copper asked me if I was a left-winger. I said no, I'm a centre forward.
But I am widely respected in the Socialist workers party. I have the record for the longest sitdown protest.
But when political friends say I'm cool, I just say, it's the way I roll.
I gave up politics to spend more time with my wife because no matter what, she has always stood by me, which has raised a few eyebrows at the pub urinals.
4. Benefits. Nurses. Shoes. Blue badge.
There are some benefits to being in a wheelchair.
Not many of you men have two 20-year-old nurses getting you up in the morning. Unfortunately, they're both men.
See these shoes, they're 20 years old. I can't wear them out.
It's great having a blue badge. Unfortunately I can't drive.
5. Thalassophobia. Scousers. Mancunians. Sand works lorry.
I moved to Southport because I have Thalassophobia. A fear of the sea.
I asked the local why there is no see at Southport, he said because the Scousers will take anything.
I said wait while the Mancunians get here, we'll nick everything.
This isn't a joke this is true. The sand works, used to sell sand, to the Arabs. Can you imagine the lorry driver, well where do you want it dropping?
6. Go. Joystick. Spill it.
Anyway, before I go, I need to tell you what happened to me recently.
I started going in these bottle shops, the beer is really strong, I only need a few bottles, and I don't know which joystick to drive with.
I was coming home in my wheelchair the other night. And these two coppers have the nerve to pull me up for drinking while driving! And I don't usually do that, because I spill it.
So I say, come on now man, I'm in a wheelchair, it's not as if I can kill anybody. But I suppose with hindsight I was in the fast lane of the M6.
But the calmed down and then they asked me, where are you going at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said I'm going to a lecture on drugs and alcohol. They said who's giving a lecture on drugs and alcohol at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said my wife.
And you know what they said to me than ladies and gentlemen, have you been on one of Joe Bloggs stand-up workshops?
Really great to see how immensely this has improved in a few days: good work on your efforts, and kudos to all the BCG members for some top notch advice. We've had a lot of people on here who just won't listen to the advice they ostensibly asked for, and it's pleasing to see how far something can come with some thoughtful editing.
All I would say is 2 things
1) Change the ending, the "I keep spilling it" and "lecture on alcohol" gags are good, but both absolutely ancient, and I think it cheapens some other wise good writing. I think the urinal gag could be a good ending line, but you might have something else in mind.
2) "...and getting in a brothel was murder" should be "and it was murder getting into a brothel" - alwasy finish the sentence with the actual joke.
Very best of luck with it.
Quote: gappy @ 13th October 2015, 8:45 PM BSTReally great to see how immensely this has improved in a few days: good work on your efforts, and kudos to all the BCG members for some top notch advice. We've had a lot of people on here who just won't listen to the advice they ostensibly asked for, and it's pleasing to see how far something can come with some thoughtful editing.
All I would say is 2 things
1) Change the ending, the "I keep spilling it" and "lecture on alcohol" gags are good, but both absolutely ancient, and I think it cheapens some other wise good writing. I think the urinal gag could be a good ending line, but you might have something else in mind.
2) "...and getting in a brothel was murder" should be "and it was murder getting into a brothel" - alwasy finish the sentence with the actual joke.
Very best of luck with it.
sorry, I have edited that after your comments, but took note of them. And There is some other new stuff.
Can't believe it,, I have been shit four weeks, and it's just spilling out of me tonight.
Toryplegia, I love that one. :-)
I'll be honest with you, I'm not confident enough yet, to take out your suggestion one. But, you never know. got to work on my memorising technique now.
Okay folks, one hell of a big thanks to you all, I absolutely smashed it. I knew once I was happy with the material, performing wouldn't be a problem. Comments that came from people were like;
is that your first time, you came across as really professional.
Thought you were the best.
You should be really proud of yourself, that was fantastic.
So good reviews :-D (I don't think it was just a sympathy vote.)
And even the producer and soundman were impressed. Past my name on to a guy who can get me some more stand-up in Liverpool. Spoke to him, looks like it is on. And hoping to do one in Manchester as well.
So here is the video. I am gutted. I asked both my son and my wife to film it, so if anything went wrong I had two copies. Asked them to film it in landscape. However, all I have is this. It misses off the introduction and the first three jokes, and it is in portrait instead of landscape. But I think you get a flavour of what I was like.
Once again, couldn't have done it without your help, so thanks very much.
edited to add
the first three jokes were.
hi Southport,there is something wrong with me. I always get the wrong end of the stick. I was really excited when I picked up a leaflet that said, "in six weeks, Brendan Reilly, will teach you stand-up.
And when I realised it was a stand-up comedy workshop, I felt very awkward. I knew there would be this tension. I knew you would be staring at me, all of you just dying to ask the same question, are you wearing that shirt for a bet?
But I do have a serious and debilitating condition, I'm a Mancunian.
I'll be back, Tremulous Tetra
Congratulations, nice confident set. Well done to those who pitched in with advice.
Loved it, you came across more relaxed and connected well with the audience. Top job.
I've been keeping track of this thread but didn't comment because I felt that being a wheelchair user myself my opinion would be biased.
Watching your set I can see that I definitely would be biased as jokes I had doubts about seemed to go down particularly well! I guess it's all subjective regardless of ability.
Very well done. It's great to see someone taking advice from the clever peeps here and seeing how your material developed and improved.
The difference between that live show and your earlier practice run was incredible, you really delivered that material well, excellent work.